Franny Choi’s spoken word performance, “Whiteness Walks into a Bar,” is so very resonant with me. I first watched it in a Comparative American Studies (CAST) class and it became a centerpiece for a BIPOC dialogue I co-facilitated later that year. I knew I had experiences as an Asian American adoptee that were nearly exactly like those described by Choi, but needed some time to put them together and puzzle them out in my mind. Recently, I have undergone extremely similar things to what Choi describes and have quoted them below (written to me in an email from a family member) along with comparisons from her performance. Real life words are listed first and Choi’s blunt translations of racial experiences are listed after each quote. The full performance piece is linked at the end of this post.
Quote 1 from Email: “I wish for your sake that you hadn’t had to be adopted and that you hadn’t had to end up in this family.”
Choi’s Translation: “Can I also get all your resources, political autonomy, and sense of self worth?”
Choi isn’t talking about adoption, but does talk about whiteness. Having been adopted into a white family, a lot of the discussion tends to center around gratitude. Adoptees are grateful to be saved, grateful for a better life. This isn’t necessarily untrue, especially economically. Adoptees are raised in households that can afford children, unlike many of their birth families. While there is a spectrum of experiences within adoptive families ranging from negative to positive, gratitude--particularly to whiteness and white saviorism--seems to be a consistent quiet expectation. When adoptees, especially transracial, start to have thoughts and feelings that challenge the narrative, we can evoke reactions that are telling of others’ inner truths. To be told that a family member would undo my adoption for my sake, puts the onus of these thoughts and feelings onto me. Because it would allegedly make me happier, I shouldn’t have been adopted at all. This is a way to dodge accountability around raising a child of color and to blame the adoptee for their discomfort. It’s saying, “This isn’t my fault, it’s yours for feeling this way.” The impact of telling an adoptee something like this works as likely intended, to strip the individual of the validity of their experience and to take their sense of independence and confidence away from them. It is a low blow that works to leave the adoptee reeling, particularly from a family member whom they love. Therefore, Choi’s performance of whiteness asking for someone’s resources, political autonomy, and sense of self worth hits the nail on the head.
Quote 2: “I can’t change what’s already happened, but I am promising you I will try to do better moving forward.”
Translation: “Hey we can’t change the past but you know what, this round’s on me!”
“I can’t change what’s already happened” is meant to avoid taking accountability for previous mistakes or harm done. Although the writer may be trying to turn over a new leaf, if they cannot honestly look at the past, then they cannot learn from it and will ultimately repeat it. How can you try to do better if you will not understand what you have done wrong?
Quote 3: “Our conversations need to have space for mutual respect. When things spiral into blame and painful accusations, I shut down--not because I don’t care, but because I don’t think either of us can hear the other well in that place.”
Translation: “Woah woah woah woah, tone… If you want me to respect you and your cause, you could try being a little less confrontational.”
Shutting down means not listening. It means refusing to engage. It means, “I will only talk to you if I am not at fault.” It means, “I don’t listen to what makes me feel uncomfortable.” This is what Choi is getting at when she takes on the voice of whiteness, accusing non-white people of using the wrong tone, or being too confrontational. This is once again intended to swerve responsibility for harm done. Focusing on the way someone reacts (rather than what they say) after provoking that reaction takes away from having to really consider the content of the adoptee's words which may hold uncomfortable truths. My reaction to these experiences can be encompassed by Cathy Park Hong’s definition of minor feelings, defined in a previous blog post.
So yes, these CAST classes at Oberlin can help you figure out your personal life too!
BTW, here is Choi's full performance.
