Oberlin Blogs

April Fools!

April 1, 2010

I opened the Oberlin website today on the recommendation of one of our awesome admissions interns (thanks, Patrick!) to see this awesome April Fools' themed post about our president, Marvin Krislov. For those of you who don't customarily read the news updates on our website, I've put the article here in its entirety. Enjoy!

Oberlin President Marvin Krislov Chosen as Supreme Leader of Cosmos
Apr. 01, 2010

OBERLIN, OHIO--In a 4-1 vote, leaders of the universe this morning elected current Oberlin College president Marvin Krislov to the post of Supreme Leader of the Cosmos. In his new position at the helm of the universe, Krislov will have unlimited authority over the civilizations of all existing galaxies.

Krislov's selection, which comes on the heels of his triumph over actors Brad Pitt and Johnny Depp in People magazine's Sexiest Man Alive contest, was all but certain, analysts say. Krislov's successful worldwide campaigns to eliminate war, drugs, and famine have long painted him as the universe's most promising candidate.

"There certainly wasn't any doubt in my mind that he'd get it," said U.S. president Barack Obama, one of the finalists for the position. "I mean, this is the guy who ended the great depression, solved the traveling salesman problem, built the pyramids, and saved the whales. He's pretty much the most awesome dude I've ever met."

"I heard he routinely divides by zero," added British Prime Minister Gordon Brown, another finalist.

In his first official decree after taking office, Krislov acted swiftly on a campaign promise of environmental action and forbade the use of carbon emissions on any scale. To generate needed power, he asked citizens of the world to instead employ an unlimited-energy device he had devised on the campaign trail out of peanuts and bits of string. As for existing damage to the ozone, Krislov said he would personally "go up there and patch it up by lunchtime."

Krislov also announced--in a move that has left some policy analysts puzzled--the creation of a global multi-billion dollar research program that will investigate methods of limiting melanin production in the animal family sciuridae.

Sources close to Krislov say his new duties may force him to relinquish his current presidency of Oberlin College--in which case he would likely pass the reins to friend and colleague Oprah Winfrey, expected to rename the college "Oprahlin"--but Krislov hopes to remain both college president and cosmic ambassador.

"I would miss hanging out with him every day," said Ben Jones, Oberlin's Vice President for Communications. "He's done so much for our school--from changing Ohio's climate to mirror that of the Caribbean, to promising a personal donation of three iPads to each incoming freshman."

During Krislov's tenure as Oberlin president, Harvard University changed its official motto from "Veritas" to "Harvard: Boston's Oberlin." In addition, Harvard's iconic official seal was changed to an image of Krislov's face; many other colleges and universities soon followed suit.

Before becoming president of Oberlin College, Krislov wrote the United States Constitution, won the Super Bowl a record twenty-seven times, and founded the University of Oxford in the 11th century. He has 431 degrees--earned, not honorary--and is a Nobel laureate nine times over.

For more information about Krislov and his appointment, please see the official press release on the Office of the Supreme Leader of the Cosmos website.

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Responses to this Entry

Brilliant. I love Oberlin.

Posted by: Tess on April 1, 2010 2:01 PM

"Oprahlin" - priceless...

Posted by: Eli on April 2, 2010 10:23 AM

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