Attending any high-ranking college or conservatory comes with its specific challenges, but the one I struggled with the most when arriving at Oberlin was imposter syndrome, leading to pretty severe performance anxiety. (Don’t worry, it sounds drastic but this blog will have its redemption arc.)
For any conservatory-bound student coming from a public high school, it isn’t wrong to assume that you were probably either the, or one of the, “star(s)” of your music department. This was the case with me. Leads in the musicals, solos in choir, and extra meetings with music teachers managed to make me believe I was special. This isn’t me telling you that you aren’t special, but you aren’t as individualistic as you may believe. Coming to Oberlin, I learned that pretty quickly. I went from being the top of my high school’s music department, to being an incredibly small fish in a big pond. I looked around at my fellow first-years and saw students who have been training classically since early childhood, had world-class voice teachers in high school, and had already won competitions and sung around the world. My singing and experiences were pretty much limited to my hometown of Buffalo, New York.
It is true when they say “comparison is the devil’s playground.” Because it MESSES with your head - big time. I had to give my first public performance about one week into my first semester. It is customary in the voice department for each of the freshmen to sing and introduce themselves in the first studio class. We were supposed to sing something we knew well and felt comfortable with. I chose Robert Schumann’s “Widmung.” I’d been singing it for months, what could go wrong!
A lot could go wrong. About a sentence into the piece I started having an anxiety attack. I had NEVER experienced one while singing, let alone performing. It really caught me off guard, but through tears and bated breath I was able to make it through the whole song.
An hour after my performance I had a lesson with my teacher, and I fully confided in her about everything I had been feeling since arriving at school. I felt like no one would understand what I was going through. Apparently I was wrong. Apparently ALL of my peers were dealing with this imposter syndrome in some way or another. She encouraged me to talk with my therapist related to my performance-induced anxiety, and to talk to some of my closest peers about my imposter syndrome.
I initially confided in one friend from my studio with whom I’d been instagram dming all summer, and I found out she was feeling the exact same way. After her first studio performance, she went home and cried. Eventually, I started getting closer with more people from the voice department, and in talks with the people who I thought were the most talented and confident, I found out they also felt the same way! Everyone is putting on a brave face in a new environment, but it is scary for everyone, no matter their musical background.
When coming to Oberlin, it is important to remember that no matter what your past experiences were, you and your classmates are all experiencing Oberlin for the first time together. :)
