Horsecows Take Third at Great Lakes Invite

As the third annual Great Lakes Invitational approached last week, dozens of Flying Horsecows and Preying Manti scurried around Oberlin making final arrangements. Port-a-potties were ordered, posters were photocopied, bagels secured and free beer at the Feve wrangled. Finally, after pounding in the last stake for the information tent and wiping the sweat from their brows, they announced themselves ready for the onslaught of teams. Questions remained: would the weather cooperate? Would all of the teams show up as promised? Finally, the ’Cows asked themselves, would they show up, or would their lumbering, slow-witted stepbrothers, “The Big Chokers,” as they are called in Oberlin men’s ultimate circles, run the show?

(photo by Tom Shortliffe)

The answers to all three questions proved to be neither decisively positive or negative. Despite the threat of thunderstorms, sunny skies and warm temperatures greeted teams Saturday morning. Teams basked in balmy weather entirely alien to Ohio for a good hour and a half before 30 mph winds arrived (winds which would continue to blow for the duration of the tournament). Similarly, despite the absence of several teams, most of the top-tier teams made it, including Indiana University, Notre Dame, Ohio State and Union Crew, a collection of Chicago club players and Oberlin alumni. As for the Horsecows, Oberlin’s men’s ultimate contingent turned in another one of their classic schizophrenic performances, losing to teams they could have beaten and showing up with surprising intensity against others.

Saturday
Against Northwestern University, the ’Cows proved their reputation as the slowest team in the nation to wake up, letting the Vomit Monkeys take half 7-6 before storming back to win 13-8. 
“We were in a trance for most of the Northwestern game,” senior Adam Zucker said. “But not the good kind where you squawk like a chicken. It was more like the kind where you dutifully obey some evil overlord who causes you to destroy all you hold dear.”
Having disposed of one Chicago team, Oberlin retreated to the shade to prepare for a game with another one: Union Crew. Led by Matt “Brady” Meisenhelder (OC ’98) and playing with ex-Oberlin all-stars Andrew “Smiley” McCormick (OC ’98), Alexander “Sandy” Bilus (OC ’99) and Paul “Dangé” Pitcher (OC ’00), Union Crew promised to be a crafty opponent. The game would present the first test of Oberlin’s frisbee intelligence of the tournament, and it proved to be a test that they failed miserably. Faced with multiple zone looks, a stifling wind and the no-mistake offense of an experienced club team, the ‘Cows simply made too many costly turnovers and forced too few d’s, losing 13-7. What highlights there were on the Oberlin side were greeted with calls of “check the scoreboard,” from Meisenhelder and McCormick, a refrain that would be heard often throughout the weekend, both on and off the field.
“I can’t believe we beat them,” McCormick said while eating a crispy patty on the sideline. “This is pretty much our pre-season, so we’re not in the best shape, but they gave us a lot of turnovers and hey, we’re going to score on those. I learned something in my seven years here.”
Meisenhelder concurred. “It must have been in my fifth year here that I suddenly realized: college ultimate players are not that smart. [Oberlin] may be Rex the Robo-Dog smart, but not Furby-smart, that’s for sure,” he said.
The rest of the day followed the same pattern of unforced errors, sloppy defense and strategic misjudgments. Against an experienced and skilled Indiana team, Oberlin couldn’t keep up with the Hoosier Mamas, going down 13-7, and against Ohio University, the ’Cows came out flat, giving Divine Hammer several quick upwind points at the start of the game. 
“We dig holes so fucking well I think we should consider changing careers,” said junior Nate Marsh, kicking over a water jug. “I’m an anthropology and philosophy major, but even I can’t comprehend the bizarre self-destructive behavior we’re displaying here.”
After struggling to beat OU’s zone, the ’Cows found themselves down at half 7-3. The critical point in the game came after halftime, when the ’Cows decided to throw some zone of their own. The strategy worked, and they soon found themselves back in the game, having scored two up-wind points to narrow the gap to 12-10. After breaking OU’s zone all the way up the field upwind, the ’Cows had a chance to close the gap to one on a wide-open pass to the end zone. The pass was dropped however, and OU quickly hucked it down-wind to win the game, 13-10. 
Far on the other side of North Fields, the Oberlin men’s B-team, the Flaming Rainbow, fared surprisingly well in their first-ever tournament together. After falling to the University of Chicago 13-7 in the first game of the day (as they would nearly repeat in the lone Sunday game, losing there 13-6), the Rainbow rebounded for two straight victories. The team was a motley crew. There were some-time and former Horsecow veterans: seniors Josh Adler, Casey Pickett, Morgan Williams, Aaron Leavy, Ben Ezinga, Matt Merrins, Hardy Merriman and juniors Dave Karpf and Aaron Mucciolo. There were younger ’Cows: sophomores Dan Scott, Dan Reeves, Nick Calabrese, as well as first-years Steve Weintraub, Michael Kramer-Duffield, Robin Walker, Will Baldwin and Clark Ainsworth. For good measure, there was an alumnus and current Oberlin professor, Wil Wilson. 
This lot was captained by junior Jacob Kramer-Duffield, and after early struggles the Rainbow rolled over Case Western’s Fighting Guppies in the day’s second game, 13-6. Against a very tired Ohio Northern team, they wrapped up the day’s action in a 11-7 victory. “This was like drinking beer, but without the hangover,” Scott said. “Except that I did have a hangover. Hmm.”
The first day of the tournament over, having gone a disappointing 1-3 in front of the impressive showing of home fans that turned out on North Fields, many Horsecows went home depressed and doubtful. Some sought spiritual guidance to deal with the collapse, others turned to works of great literature for insight. Most, however, looked for inspiration in the free beer served for ultimate players at the Feve that night. Even there, however, they suffered a defeat, falling to Indiana again, this time in a boat race. 
At that point in the evening, luckily, many found themselves too caught up in the euphoric arc of the alcoholic cycle to notice, and would only realize their shame the next day as they struggled to recover from the previous night’s activities. When asked, many cited Indiana’s strong anchor drinker, and the methodical “German” drinking-style of sophomore Oberlin anchor Mike Hamm, as the causes of Oberlin’s failure. Hamm was unavailable for comment at press time, although one close friend who chose to remain nameless described him as “emotionally shattered.”

Sunday

There must have been something in the Guinness, because the ’Cows came out strong on Sunday morning. Facing OU again in the tournament quarterfinals, the ’Cows made the decision to “punt” the disc downwind, forcing Divine Hammer to work the disc 70 yards against a solid zone manned by Marsh, senior co-captain Nick Dent and first-year defensive sensation Bryan Woliner. OU struggled with the wind, and Oberlin converted their turnovers into easy downwind scores. When they found themselves facing that same gale-force wind, Dent and senior co-captain Kristian Whitsett called in their upwind team, made of junior Richard Raz, Zucker, juniors Adam Marvel and Mateo Pastore, first-year Will Miller, Whitsett and senior Jamie Merchant. 
This squad’s task was to toss risky throws into the wind, hoping that the taller ’Cows could come down with some throws over the smaller OU players. They did this with abandon, and Zucker, Marvel and Whitsett proved adept at boxing out and hauling down hucks that would normally be deemed “swilly.” The ’Cows converted enough of these hucks for upwind scores that OU quickly found themselves out of the game. Final score: Oberlin 13, OU 6. 
Against Indiana, Oberlin’s semifinal opponent, the ’Cows knew they would have to play a more balanced, less risky game to win against the relatively tall, athletic Mamas. Indiana quickly caught on to the ’Cows huck-it-or-nothing approach to the game, and countered by contesting every throw up field and jumping with the ’Cows once the disc was in the air. Despite frustrating Indiana with solid man and zone defense, Oberlin again made too many errors, giving up the disc close to their own end zone on numerous upwind points, and finally succumbing in a game that indicated a great deal of improvement despite the 15-9 final score.
“We’re kind of like a big sleepy bear, or maybe more accurately, a sleepy gibbon,” Marvel said. “If you leave us to our own devices, we won’t hurt a fly; but provoke us, or possibly threaten our young, and we’ll come after your ass.”

Jamie Merchant is a member of the ultimate frisbee team.