Memo to NBA players: Oberlin needs you!

As the National Basketball Association gradually allows its season to waste away while jaded owners and avaricious players battle for a greater share of the annual profits, sportswriters across the country have little choice but to sit back and concentrate their creative energy into wringing more and more compelling stories from the current NFL campaign. (Luckily, the 1998 football season has not disappointed. From the resurgence of quarterbacks Doug Flutie and Randall Cunningham to the remarkable exploits of the undefeated Denver Broncos, there have been plenty of good stories to fill the pages of the Review.) Still, my mind occasionally wanders, and I find myself dreaming of an NBA season uninterrupted by lockouts, endless negotiations, and deceptive posturing.

Would Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippen have led the Chicago Bulls to their fourth consecutive championship title? Would Shaquille O'Neal have learned to sink a free throw, helping his Los Angeles Lakers to win close games in the fourth quarter? Would the Golden State Warriors have found yet another embarrassing way to collapse by midseason? Sadly, the answers to these and other pressing questions may never be known.

Then again, perhaps it is time for basketball fans to stop dwelling upon the negative aspects of the labor strike and to embrace the lockout for all of the wonderful avenues of possibility that it opens. That's right, folks. Forget the emotional and financial investments that you have made to your favorite team over the years. Pay no mind to the cries of small business owners in cities across America who have lost their sources of income due to the bickering of a few pampered millionaires. Instead, learn to stop caring and love the lockout.

By now, you are probably wondering how the NBA labor stoppage could affect life here in Oberlin, a relatively sleepy college town located 30 miles from the nearest mecca of commerce. The answer is as simple as it is beautiful. What do Kevin Garnett, Antoine Walker, Marcus Camby, and Kobe Bryant all have in common? Years of college eligibility!

Yes, friends, each of the young basketball superstars who left college early - or simply did not attend - has the option of completing his education at the college or university of his choice. Imagine walking to King one fine morning, only to bump into a world-famous athlete somewhere along Professor Street. It could happen, and if the Oberlin College Athletic Department plays its cards right, it will.

Currently, the Oberlin men's basketball team is languishing at the bottom of its division with a disappointing 0-6 record. Their schedule still includes contests against top-rated NCAC opponents like Wooster, Case Western Reserve, and Allegheny. After enduring losing seasons in men's football, men's soccer, and women's volleyball during a fall that can only be described as horrific, college administrators must resort to drastic measures in order to restore the credibility of our athletics program. What better way to accomplish that goal than to lure a bunch of phenomenally talented, albeit undereducated, egomaniacs to our hallowed campus?

How could our Athletic Department, renowned for its bumbling incompetence, pull off such a coup? Lure them with fully-paid scholarships--not that the bastards need financial support, but it's the thought that counts. Remind them that Black Enterprise magazine recently named Oberlin the 12th best college in the country for African American males. Finally, impress upon their undeveloped minds that, in coming to Oberlin, they would be joining a legitimate contender. After all, the addition of one Kevin Garnett to our roster would guarantee at least a tie for first place in our conference.

The arrangement would be beneficial to both parties. An Oberlin education could broaden the academic horizons of the NBA players, helping them to prepare for life after basketball. (It would also be a great public relations move, disproving the popular theory that professional athletes are interested in nothing more than money.) Meanwhile, the college would enjoy much-needed publicity, prompting more and more high school seniors to consider Oberlin as an alternative to, say, the University of Kentucky; increased revenue from the influx of out-of-town fans; and even a higher rating in the U.S. News and World Report polls. It would also resuscitate an athletic program that is currently sinking faster than the Titanic.

Imagine the surprise of arrogant Division III powerhouses like Allegheny and Wittenberg when they stroll leisurely onto the hardwood floors of Philips Gymnasium only to find Shawn Kemp regulating the post for the Yeomen. Try to envision their horror when former Georgetown Hoya Allen Iversen lines up against their starting point guard. Better yet, think of an opposing power forward streaking down the lane for an easy layup, only to have the ball swatted away by Antoine Walker. (Admittedly, defense has never been Walker's area of expertise, but I doubt he would have any problems shutting down a team of neophytes from the NCAC.) Students could finally go to the games, secure in the knowledge that the good guys would win, and win in dazzling fashion.

So, college administrators, your course of action is clear. The NBA players are out there for the taking. Superstars who would normally command salaries of $15 million per season can now be obtained for a measly 30 grand. Go and get them.