It’s not likely that anyone on this campus has forgotten that finals are just around the corner — but just in case, we thought we’d remind you! Cheer up and commiserate retroactively with your 1987 schoolmates, who apparently suffered “mass hysteria” this week.

–The News Team

December 4, 1987

“Life becomes hell,” said sophomore Lorca Shepperd, sitting on the cold floor under the harsh glare of the fluorescent lights on A-Level in Mudd. She was referring, of course, to the dreaded period at the end of the semester when normally sane people start to lose their perspective, their appetites and their minds.

Sophomores Farisa Zarinetchi and Jody Madell huddled in the stairwell of the library discussing their woes. When asked how she was coping with the impending crisis, Madell said tersely, “No comment.”

Zarinetchi added, “She screams a lot.”

A wide range of bizarre behavior emerges at this time of year. Junior Katherine Zieman recalled an incident that occurred in the A-Level smoking lounge late one night. “It was completely silent. All of a sudden, a woman shrieked ‘I hate college!’ Then she banged her head on the table and started crying hysterically.”

Senior John Dent witnessed an odd scene at a recent ensemble rehearsal. “They were rehearsing something and the conductor got frustrated and stuck his baton up his nose. He left it up there for quite a while.”

One result of this mass hysteria is a severe strain on various facilities around campus. “There are 75 million people frantically studying in Kettering library,” estimated junior Dean Carpick. “People stand in line to get in.”