First, a note before I begin; I realize that you are several weeks into your first semester and this is much overdue. Forgive me, for I have spent these weeks pondering how best to welcome this new group of young people. I am glad now that I did, considering Nancy Dye’s unfortunate absence at Convocation. Out of my selfless concern for the Oberlin community, I shall assume the responsibility of greeting the new class. So without further ado…

Welcome to Oberlin. Welcome to the ranks of the fearless. Although we no longer believe that one person can change the world, if anyone could, it would be a person without fear. A fearless warrior, a fearless leader or perhaps a fearless serial arsonist. At Oberlin, you are more likely to encounter the fearless Greek scholar, the fearless hookah smoker and of course, the fearless earthworms. The people (and annelids) who will lead our generation. Yes, you can feel the winds of change in the air…and they smell suspiciously of cloves.

Of course, our fearless spirit carries over into our athletic department. Freshmen are particularly encouraged to join Oberlin’s famous shot-put team, an individual sport of endurance where the athlete tries to put as many shots into the body as possible. Other popular sports include curling, squash, tofu-making, test-cramming and dog-walking. Oberlin is never the underdog; more often, it is behind the dog.

Although never quite as popular as athletics, the arts will always have a cherished place in the Oberlin community. Arts…yes. Indeed.

While I take a moment to find the words to describe the arts at Oberlin, here’s some advice for the fresh-blooded youngsters: (1) Professors at Oberlin are so excellent, complete attendance at class isn’t really necessary. The knowledge will just exude from them, like gamma rays from radioisotopes. Your tissue can only absorb so much, so try only a few days. (2) Enjoy beverages responsibly. If you are not careful, they may stain your clothing — especially grape juice. (3) Your roommate can be your best friend. But oh, they can be so much more…(4) Facebook is the most efficient way to make friends. Especially with the recent addition of the “minifeed”: “Hey, so I noticed you friended my boyfriend…” makes a great icebreaker.

Okay, as far as the arts go, I have been told by fellow students that art is life. I think that is their way of saying that the athletics count as the arts. Fair enough, every school has its strengths and its stronger strengths.

Now I shall touch upon the meat of the pie, academics. As my editor has informed me that I am running short on words, I will be brief. At Oberlin, we learn things, things of great importance. You may discover something you have an aptitude for that you didn’t know previously. Or you may take a class on something you thought you were pretty good at, then start failing exams and then your parents call to ask about your midterm and to tell your llama Suzy died, and you finally just CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE…

Well, I think that’s everything in a nutshell. Have at it, ickle first-years.