Hey kids, I have returned, but first I have been told to give the following public message: due to an overwhelming amount of Jenna Jameson requests, Direct Connect is changing its name to the Oberlin Loves Porn Network.

Moving on, I hope your week was as good as mine, especially for that whole Saturday where I found myself eating honey with a pudgy yellow bear.

Besides that, all my picks are looking pretty good, except of course for the Cowboys of Oklahoma State. But I am not surprised, seeing as the Big 12 is really the Big Choke conference where whomever you pick will lose or tease you with a few wins and then drop it when it really counts. Because of this, I am going to curse Kansas with my pick and truthfully know that chances are they will blow it.

So who will be invited to the coveted forest ball of basketball? Well, the number ones who can go ahead and purchase the pink dress with the rhinestone snaps are UNC, Wake Forest (even though Chris Paul is a criminal), Illinois and Arizona.

Maybe it’s that wonderful new grass I have been eating, but something tells me that if the Wildcats can demolish their conference, then they can get the one spot. This is because Kansas should have punch spilled on their gowns in the tourney pre-party. The lower level two seeds with their fur-free jackets should be Louisville, Boston College, stained Kansas and Kentucky.

Let us look now on those guests who are on their hands and knees, begging and crawling for that invitation. From the ACC, there shall arrive in a decent limo Duke, who will be trying to look a lot better in the postseason than they did in the regular season. Georgia Tech and that nonviolent Wolf Pack from N.C. State will be right behind driving the Hyundai their dad let them borrow.

While we’re speaking of great conferences, let’s go to the Big East where seven teams look to make their appearance. Following UConn and B.C. will be: Syracuse, which has broken about 100 heels practicing for the dance; Villanova, which dress-shops at Goodwill; and West Virginia and Notre Dame, which are both sneaking in the back door propped open by an Orange. But Pittsburgh has been seen around Tiffany’s lately and just might not look too bad for a dance.

Checking out the rest, I see lovely people like Stanford, UCLA and Washington all showing up in their fake Tommy dresses and getting spanked early in the night. Michigan State, Wisconsin and Minnesota should all arrive from the Big Ten but look for State to be the only one still dancing after two rounds. Charlotte, Cincinnati and DePaul should be ready to go for what has become an annual tradition for these teams. Unfortunately, it’s also an annual event that all three are passed out before the fine dining can begin.

The southern belles of Florida, Mississippi State, Alabama and LSU will be, as usual, looking quite nice for the ball. However, like the Confederacy at Gettysburg, these Southern comforts will be running home by the third day.

To wrap up the long list of those coming to the party, UTEP and Nevada are two western dwellers who will be ready to shock and awe the crowd with their moves. Utah and New Mexico should also blaze into the tourney with an eye on showing everyone how to two step. Watch for my underdog from Creighton, who may not look the best but has been known to put conference queens in the mud.

Well, that’s all the time I have. Join me next week for a preview of the first round. I am Moose and this article has been brought to you by the Save the Arizona Wildcat Foundation. Check back next week for Part III.