Falls Short in Costume Contest
past weekend, Oberlin attended the annual Halloween Invitational
tournament in Athens, Ohio, held by Ohio University. Teams are encouraged
to dress up and wear costumes as they play, providing the games
with a less formal sense of ultimate than is usually the case.
“This tournament is pretty low-key. We still want to be successful
and play hard, but we’re doing those things in a much less
pressured environment than usual,” senior Aaron “Barbie”
Webber remarked. He then lifted up his plaid skirt to expose himself,
and began to run around in circles making gargling noises.
Oberlin traditionally obliterates the competition as far as the
quality of costumes is concerned, and this year was no exception.
Abe Lincoln, a droog from A Clockwork Orange, Luigi from Super Mario
Brothers, Goldberg the wrestler and Kareem Abdul-Jabar were far
superior to costumes at other schools. The Horsecows decided that
the blue ribbon for best costume on the team went to seniors Nick
“Big Nick” Calabrese and Dan “The Rock”
Scott for appearing as Krusty the Klown and Sideshow Mel from “the
Simpsons.” Despite the powerful turnout of costumes from the
Horsecows and the lackluster work of other teams, the Cows once
again failed to garner the official Best Team Costume award.
“That’s it!” sophomore Noah “The Deuce”
Hoskins-Forsythe declared. “Who do I have to blow so we can
win this award?”
Somewhere in the distance, a series of gunshots rang out. Teammates
were horrified to find that a disgruntled frisbee player had taken
exception to junior Robin “The Blah” Walker’s
choice of dressing up as Tupac Shakur. A brief service was held.
first game pitted them against a small squadron of players from
Miami University of Ohio, who were collectively dressed in a high-class-country-club
“How are those fucking costumes? Those preppy fucks wear that
shit all the time,” first-year Ben “Soul Man”
Sulman spat, before kicking a puppy on the sideline in the head
and pushing over an occupied baby stroller.
Miami featured some inexperienced throwers, which in the vicious
windy conditions made their offense fairly difficult to run. Strong
defensive plays by first-year Dan “Snoop” Greif, senior
Dan “Toto” Reeves and Calabrese allowed Oberlin to handily
defeat Miami to the tune of 13-6.
Oberlin’s second game was scheduled to be against Kent State.
However, the team that arrived upon the playing field was mostly
comprised of ultimate players from the Ohio club team Cuyahoga Sheet
Metal, dressed up as dominoes.
“Dominoes?!” Mike “MKD” Kramer-Duffield
scoffed. “That’s pretty creative. Did they put a whole
five minutes of time and energy into deciding that one? What a bunch
of crazy dudes! Playing ultimate in domino outfits? Watch out for
these guys! Hey, can we please go as dominoes next year? Because
they pulled it off so well. I mean, we couldn’t live up to
their standard but…” Kramer-Duffield was cut off by
the darkness of his own soul, as his sarcasm sucked him into a black
hole of despair and loneliness from which he will never return.
Cuyahoga Sheet Metal is known for a severe lack of athletic spirit,
and on this day they lived up to their reputation. The Horsecows
grew disenfranchised with Cuyahoga’s fast-counting on the
mark, weak foul-calls and an overall lack of enjoyment for the game
of Ultimate, falling to the imposters 13-6. The game was marked
by impressive running and good hustle from Sean “Stiff-arm”
Abbott-Klafter and Steve “The Mullet” Kleinman.
“Cuyahoga wasn’t even that good,” Lee “Zalinski”
Rubenstein squeaked. “Plus they were fat. And ugly. I hope
their kids get shot by accident or die of cancer or something. What
a bunch of assholes.”
The Horsecows next faced a powerful athletic group from Navy. Using
wily veteran guile, the Horsecows were able to sink their opponents
13-8. The Horsecows shut down the Navy offense through a potent
zone defense, which featured Ethan “The Spleen” Witkovsky
providing intimidating defense on long throws. The Oberlin offense
featured a series of impressive diving catches from first-year Luke
“The Snake” Eddins and smoothly run handler cuts and
throws from junior captain Mike “Degs” Degnan and Webber.
“Yeah, we won,” first-year Zach “Kinish”
Carter said, “but the real heroes are those working men and
women of America, who provide us with the things we need to get
through our busy lives. They don’t ask for much, but they
deserve a whole lot more. You’ll never see those fatcats in
Washington give it to ’em, but I say now is the time. Am I
being clear or making any sense? Perhaps not.” Carter then
removed his Luigi hat, placing it upon his breast, and gazed into
the setting sun as a single tear ran down his cheek.
Oberlin’s final game pitted them against sectional and regional
rivals Ohio State University. OSU is an opponent to be reckoned
with, as they were at one point ranked 10th in the country last
year. However, Oberlin came ready to play and quickly went up 3-0,
marked by a diving score from junior Brendan “B-Jar”
Curran and savvy handler work from sophomores Ted “The Bear”
Olds and Gabe “The Splinter” McCormick.
OSU took a quick timeout and regained their composure, quickly scoring
in successive points to tie the score at three. However, Oberlin
marched forward, relying on its powerful zone defense once again.
Sophomores Ben “Kruk” Pred, Braden “Raven”
Paynter, Wilson “The Principal” Skinner, Ben “Penny”
Warrington, Scott, Olds and Curran all worked within the cup at
various times to contain the OSU offense, causing their opponents
to turn it over in the back of their own end zone innumerable times.
Unfortunately, the windy conditions caused Oberlin’s offense
to turn it over just as quickly, causing frustration to mount and
tension to rise. However, the wind did not overly perturb the strong
Horsecow spirit, as the ’Cows took the half from OSU 7-5 after
a long bomb was put up to Mike “Creepy” Hamm, who made
a jaw-dropping catch over the heads of two OSU players.
Because the game had started late, the time cap was set, meaning
that the first team to score eight would have the victory. OSU was
determined not to give the game to Oberlin, as they came out strong
from halftime and tied the game at seven. Oberlin received the disc
on the double game point and turned it over after a few throws.
OSU quickly moved it down the field and was inches away from the
end zone before turning over the disc. Hamm threw the score to Warrington
in the end zone to win the game 8-7.
In fear of drunken frat boys hitting on those members of the Horsecows
who were dressed in sexually ambiguous costumes, the Horsecows packed
up their things and departed from Athens in high spirits. The victory
over OSU was hopefully a sign of things to come.
Curran is a member of the men’s ultimate frisbee team.