This past weekend, the Oberlin Flying Horsecows journeyed far across the Midwest to attend Exit 69, a tournament hosted by St. Olaf College in Northfield, Minn. The Horsecows lodged themselves at teammate junior Brendan “Jar-Jar” Curran’s home in the fair city of Minneapolis, birthplace of Kirby Puckett, Bob Dylan and thousands of other wonderful people.
“Minneapolis is full of bad drivers and women of ill repute,” declared Dan “Rock” Scott before tripping over himself and falling on his head. The drive from Oberlin to Minneapolis took a good 14 hours, causing many Horsecows to arrive at their destination around 3 a.m.
“I didn’t mind,” quipped senior Mike “Creepy” Hamm. “Sure, there were no beds left, but I just slept on the floor. Brendan’s cat came up to me in the middle of the night and I tried to lick its belly but it scratched me, so I drew a picture of a cat with a knife through its head and sticks of dynamite stuck in its ears with the word ‘you’ inscribed above it. I taped that to my forehead, and after that the cat left me alone. Yeah, I got a pretty good night’s sleep.”
Oberlin’s first game was against the University of Iowa, a team that last year edged its way into College Nationals. However, the team was only able to bring eight players to the tournament, much to the Horsecow’s advantage. The Horsecows’ beautifully orchestrated offense was led by senior captain Mike “Degs” Degnan and Curran, allowing the ’Cows to quickly take half from Iowa 7-3. During the second half, some sloppy play and laziness on the Horsecow’s part lead to some painfully long points. However, Oberlin won many of these bouts of eternity, marked by some eye-popping catches from sophomore David “Chilo” Kreiss-Tomkins and Hamm, leading Oberlin to victory over Iowa 15-8.
“We’re nastier than Iowa. We were everything they weren’t, baby, times two!” junior Robin “Superstar” Walker sang, before spinning in a pirouette, flipping back over his head, and landing in a split with his hands raised in the air.
The ’Cows’ second game pitted them against St. Cloud State, a growing powerhouse in the increasingly competitive central region. The “Luckydogs” were seeded second in the tournament to Carleton, priding themselves on a Hail-Mary-run-and-gun offense and a strong core of athletes. The ’Cows at times ran some spectacular offense, featuring gravity-defying endzone leaps by junior Will “Miller” Miller and sophomore Ted “The Bear” Olds. However, the ’Cows defense was suspect against the fleet-footed Luckydogs, and — despite a no-look tip by senior Aaron “Barbie” Webber to prevent a score — proved to be their downfall, as St. Cloud won 13-7.
“C’mon meow, Horsecows,” sophomore Gabe “The Splinter” McCormick shook his head and cooed. “C’mon meow.”
Oberlin sat out a two-hour bye round before facing the University of Minnesota’s B-team. Not to be underestimated, the B-Team featured the talents of coach Guy Pugh, a former member of national and world contender SubZero. Oberlin’s play was less than satisfactory against the inexperienced U of M players, making the 13-4 win a lot more difficult than it needed to be. Despite some lapses in concentration, the U of M game featured some promising performances from rookies sophomore Ben “Kruk” Pred and first-year Zach “Kinish” Carter. Concerning the bouts of inconsistency, junior Mike “MKD” Kramer-Duffield remarked, “Oo-blah-dee, oo-blah-daa, life goes on,” before getting run over by a Volkswagen.
The Horsecow’s final game of the day came against St. John’s University. This game was to determine which team would advance to the A bracket and a possible bid for the championship of the tournament. St. John’s took an early 7-3 lead, featuring a quick offense geared toward deep passes. Oberlin threw a zone defense against St. John’s, stifling their quick receivers, but it was too little too late as the ’Cows suffered a 13-8 loss.
“My mom teaches at that school. I guess I know now why she doesn’t love me anymore,” Curran remarked before taking a painfully long pull from a handle of Jack Daniels.
On Sunday, Oberlin saw themselves seeded first in the consolation bracket, facing North Park, a squad of inexperienced but athletic rookies. North Park played well for their first tournament, but fell to the Horsecows 13-3.
“Not much you can say about that one,” noted first-year Ben “The Con” Sulman. “I mean, I guess you could say we cleaned house with that no-talent, anus-licking non-team, but that would kind of make me a jerk.”
For the final game of the day, Oberlin squared off against the University of Kansas. Fired up from the success of the previous game and determined not to come out flat-footed, Oberlin grabbed a quick 4-0 lead on the overwhelmed Kansas squad, featuring Miller and Curran scoring off of full field bombs from Degnan and Webber. Kansas then called a timeout and stepped up their play, but the ’Cows took the half all the same 7-4. Following an inspired locker-room speech from veterans Degnan and Hamm, the ’Cows came rearing forward in the second half. Sophomores Keith “Gasman” Apfelbaum and Steve “The Mullet” Kleinman worked with senior Webber to undermine the Kansas defense with crafty play patterns, taking Oberlin into an 11-7 lead. The next point reached epic proportions, highlighted by a series of fine defensive plays from Hamm and sophomore Wilson “The Principle” Skinner. Each side battled fiercely in an attempt to score, with Oberlin eventually coming out on top after Skinner made a heart-stopping leap in the endzone to grab a giant throw from Degnan.
“Yeah, it was a nice snatch,” first-year Luke “The Snake” Eddins said. “Real nice.”
This vanquished the hopes of the Kansas squad, as they fell 13-7 to Oberlin.
So with a 4-2 record, the Horsecows were generally pleased with the impression they made in the far off land of Minnesota. Consolation champions are champions nonetheless, and the ’Cows took this comfort home with them, as it kept them company for the 14-hour journey back into the heartland of America.

Junior Brendan Curran is a member of the men’s ultimate frisbee team, the Flying Horsecows.