|Horsecows’ Package Gets Burned But Unit’s Okay
By Rachel Walker
a tiger; he pounced just like a tiger. Grrr,” first-year Horsecow
Luke “I’m your daddy” Eddins exclaimed after watching
senior co-captain Mike “Waffle House” Degnan’s
layout D-catch in the end zone that tied the game at 11 and brought
a saucy Dayton team to its knees. The catch was one of the many
highlights of Club Sectionals Ultimate Frisbee tournament last weekend
in Versailles, Ohio, the traditional start to the Ultimate season
for the Flying Horsecows. As usual for the first tournament of the
year the ’Cows sent two teams. This year, like last year,
the two teams were an evenly matched group of rookies and veterans,
but instead of Fahrenheit and Celsius they sent teams Package and
Team Package started off against familiar foe Denison
University. The team broke the usual Oberlin curse of the slow start,
taking an early half at 7-0. Denison didn’t waste any time
licking their wounds at halftime however, and quickly turned it
into a game, scoring four out of the first six points after half.
Oberlin regrouped, thanks to some superb hucks from sophomore handler
Henry “Firecrotch” Ladd and solid leadership from Senior
Barbie “damn this ground’s hard” Webber, and after
realizing the game was to 15, not 13, eked out a 15-10 win despite
the lack of momentum in the second half.
Next, Package faced sectional powerhouse Ohio University
who, like the ’Cows, had sent two teams to Club Sectionals.
OU’s teams were not split evenly, and the team Package faced
had almost all of Ohio’s starters, including a strong zone
defense that had Oberlin players adjusting their compression shorts
in frustration. Despite chilly play from handlers Ladd, Webber,
senior Dan “Acorn” Reeves and junior Robin “Turf”
Walker, Package found themselves in too deep a hole to dig themselves
out of. Swearing that a combined team would deliver sweet victory
against the black-clad warriors from Athens, Package went under
“It was like in book four of The Wheel of
Time, when the evil forces surround… wait, are you writing
this down?” first year Adam “Foxy Cleopatra” Vogel
Package held their heads up and pointed their equipment
in a new direction, heading to another field to play the Club regional
champions Burn, made up of almost all of the best Ultimate players
Ohio schools have ever produced. The Burn players proved too experienced,
talented and smart for Package. Despite a great defensive play in
the end zone by Brian “Protect Your HEAD!!!” Block on
the first point, Burn neatly, efficiently, almost effortlessly and
even nicely hit Package where it hurts most and sent them home with
something between their legs, 15-0.
Unwilling to call it a day, Package headed over
to the far field to watch their better half take on the University
of Dayton. Not the elite team they had been a few years ago under
the leadership of Matt “Chunk’s Daddy” Poole,
Dayton was made up of young yet salty players. Every huck they put
up that got D’d, often by junior Will “Whipper”
Miller, sophomore Ted “Show it to Me” Olds and first
year sensation Lee “who says I’m short?” Rubenstein,
would result in a contested foul call and be sent back to the thrower.
Nonetheless Dayton caught enough hucks to go up 11-9, game capped
at 13. Unit came right back, marched down the field and scored in
response. After a good downwind pull Oberlin threw a nasty zone
D and Degnan, playing wing, made his ridiculous layout pancake catch
to tie the game. With both Package and Unit erupting in orgasmic
celebration Unit clamped down and administered the coup de gras
on the ill-spirited Ghetto Force, winning 13-12.
The third place teams in the A and B pools would
have to play each other to determine who would go to the quarterfinals
and who would drop down to the championship. This pitted Package
and Unit in a junk grudge match. Deciding to use the game as a practice
the ’Cows rested before starting a game to eight. After three
points of very sloppy play, senior co-captain James “Superknee”
Burris called timeout and talked to both teams. Package came back,
scored its first point of the game and started playing much smarter.
The more intense play was not without cost however, as sophomore
Gabe “Flash” McCormick went down after re-spraining
“It’s a small price I paid for putting
foot to ass for my team,” reflected McCormick as he sat fondling
an ice bag.
Finding themselves down 7-6, game point for Unit,
Package showed who was the bigger team by breaking Unit’s
zone with a series of huge swings, culminating in a cross-field
throw to junior Noah “Is this ever going to heal?” Hoskins-Forsyth.
At 7-7, game point for both sides, Unit squandered the received
pull and Webber broke the mark for a weak side score, ending the
contest. Team and individual play, both good and bad, was discussed
and the teams combined for a game against Cuyahoga Sheet Metal,
the Cleveland area club team.
The tired ’Cows put up a good fight but in
the end Sheet Metal was just too good and defeated Oberlin 13-6
in an excellent-spirited game. Everyone lined up to break the rookies
of both teams in with the “gauntlet of death,” a challenge
that, with enough prods at people’s manhood, several Horsecalves
“We did not emerge unscathed, but we ran
with honor,” declared junior rookie Paul “Venus”
Facing the prospect of another night at the Econolodge,
which had proved to be far too much Econo and not enough Lodge for
comfort the previous night, in return for only one game per team
the next day, the ’Cows headed North to catch the end of the
parties and prepare for next week’s tournament hosted by Carleton
and St. Olaf colleges in Minnesota.
Robin Walker is a member of the men’s ultimate
frisbee team, the Flying Horsecows.