Dear Nina,
I finally went on a date with this hunk I’ve been eyeing all semester. Everything was great until I watched him slobber on a buffalo shistawouk like a starving rodent. We haven’t made out yet but we’re going on another date this weekend. I have a theory that men eat the way they hump. Needless to say, I’m very concerned. When the time comes, is this guy gonna fondle me like an autistic 7-year old?
–Sloppy Seconds

Dear Ms. Seconds,
I am intrigued by this theory of yours, but I wonder what you would hope to see at the dinner table. I mean, I’m a neurotic freak about table manners, but if the bedroom rapport was quite so neat and polite as my ideal date, it could easily become boring. Then again, making sure to chew with your mouth closed is an act of consideration, and it is nice to be considerate during sexy time too.
Would you want him to eat really slowly? Deliberately? Passionately? I’m now picturing your date caressing his shistawouk, moaning and yelling “ah, shistawouk!” at the Feve bar. My advice is to calm down. Have a nice date. Of course, he’s going to have to learn how to eat in a non-disgusting manner, but you’ll work on that later.
–Nina
Dear Nina,
I bombed the midterm in Evolution of the Earth, so I’ve started studying early for the final with this study group. And there’s this one really cute girl who helps me out a lot. She’s really organized, keeps her notes in color-coded tabs and really likes explaining things to me — we always end up staying in the library until it closes. We’ve even started e-mailing each other independent of the study group, and she signs her e-mails with those little things, you know. So is she trying take it to the next level, or what?
–Hot For Teacher
Dear Study Sucker,
Hi, emoticons? Clearly, used only by sociopaths. Underneath the cheery, “have-a-nice-day” facade, there is a tortured soul so desperate to express their overreaching joy with the world that they string together a cute series of semi-colons, equals signs and apostrophes in an almost seizure of smiling. This is the girl who has a Mint Chocolate Chip Martini for her 21st birthday, giggles uncontrollably for 20 minutes and then starts crying and immediately passes out, but forever refers to it as her “wild college days.”
Also, what exactly is the “next level” with this girl? What level are you on now? Like, A-Level? The next level for this girl is Reese Witherspoon’s breakdown in Election, not a date with you.
–XOXO,
Me ;- )
Dear Nina,
My girlfriend and I have been together for like a million years, literally — almost three months. Sometimes I just don’t want to talk. This is the case especially when I’m watching Elimidate and The 5th Wheel. She makes all these jokes the whole time, but I just want to like see what happens with the date.
I like to watch the whole line-up from start to finish with no talking, sometimes even “Rendez-View,” if I’ve got a lot on my mind. I think of it as my meditation time, and I want her to hang out with me during it.
I keep trying to explain that it’s alone time, but together. I just don’t have anything to say and I don’t understand how she can always be talking when we hardly spend any time apart. She was probably there if anything interesting happened to me anyway. Man, am I in the doghouse!
–Dawg
Dear Strong Silent Doggy,
Why do guys like that alone-together stuff so much? When I see a couple at a restaurant sit through an entire meal silently, I assume they hate each other and like sleep in separate wings of their mansion and I vow never to wed (unless he has a mansion, actually). But guys seem to think of it as an achievement in love, to not need to talk, like, we used to have to talk but thank God we are passed that phase now, and I can just lie around grunting occasionally.
Also, dating shows were, I think, created for the sole reason of providing material for discussion, which should happen during the episode. It’s practically interactive, like interactive sociological experiments meets hilarious slapstick. How could you not talk? Your girlfriend is right to find this infuriating. Have alone time alone and be interested in her when she’s around.
–Nina
Dear Nina,
My indie-rock boyfriend has proven to possess deep-seated rage. What of this sensitive man-child?
–Disconcerted in Lorain County
Dear Lorain,
I have not completed any conclusive investigation as of yet, but I think you are making a common discovery. My hypothesis? Sensitive men have top-secret rage. (Though can we really call them men?)
Guys…guys who cry, guys who write letters and songs, who like to give you presents they made themselves, remember when you first held hands, tell their moms about you, say “amazing” all the time, never make the first move, talk about their own hair, like liquid shower gel and chilled soups…they all have rage.
The most obvious explanation is that they were not too cool in high school, or middle school, whatever. They were not athletic and might be short or something. They talked about music and had a lot of female friends, so they developed the comforting habit of sharing their feelings incessantly, but could never win over anyone but dudes.
Then they got to Oberlin and got some ass. Their confidence has grown remarkably, but they have weird insecurities and resentments and therefore, rage. The reason it manifests so randomly is it doesn’t so much make sense now, because they are no longer ostracized to the same degree. Anyone can sit anywhere when it’s Dascomb.
Still, they are more likely than others to explode or become inappropriately frustrated and yell a lot. They might take out their rage exclusively on inanimate objects, or it might be strangers. I’ve seen a lot of both. I have no advice really but maybe talk about the rage. Get him a Tears for Fears album or something.
–Nina