Hines is a Liar and a Braggart

To the Editors:

I am writing in response to Emily Hines’ letter of last week. I am not in opposition to the sentiment behind Ms. Hines’ polemic — in fact, I am wholeheartedly in support of it. However, upon reading the letter I felt that I needed to warn the good people of Oberlin that we include in our number a liar and a braggart.
Ms. Hines claims, “I’m a functional alcoholic!” To this I can only respond that if Ms. Hines were actually functional, there would be far fewer dirty dishes in her sink, and if Ms. Hines were actually an alcoholic, there would be far less Miller High Life in her refrigerator. Where is Ms. Emily Bartlett Hines when one is seeking accompaniment at the Feve bar? Why, she’s in her room, writing a paper on heretics! And where is Ms. Emily Hines when her off-campus housemate is looking for a drinking companion? Why, she’s in her room again, reading Aeschylus!
Ms. Hines may fancy herself a modern day Dorothy Parker, but the sad truth of the matter is that even the most teetotalling member of the Algonquin Round Table could drink Ms. Hines under the table any day of the week. This young lady, who fancies herself an alcoholic, is in fact drinking four nights out of the week at best, and at worst only on Fridays or not at all. Functional alcoholism is a dream, Emily, it is a grand and beautiful dream, but we all must work to make our dreams come true. I can only hope that once this issue comes to light, Emily Hines will be putting her money — preferably in the form of a dry martini — where her mouth is, and work to make her dubious personal claims a reality.

–Cynthia Taylor
College senior