Canada
Must Be Stopped Now
To
the Editors:
Im writing in response to Benjamin Holts outrageous
letter, entitled Student Demands Canadian Studies Program
Now, which was printed in the April 5 issue of The Oberlin
Review. This cowardly individual whines that the Oberlin Department
of Politics teaches about Uzbekistan and Transjordan
while ignoring his homeland. Well Mr. Holt, ignoring
that dreadful nation of yours is the smartest thing the department
could do.
I was born and raised in the great state of Minnesota, home to such
true patriots as Navy Seal/Governor Jesse Ventura and the great
Theologian Tammy Faye Baker. Being from a border state, I can attest
to the real threat that Canadia poses to our great land. Did you
know that more than 75 percent of the Canadian population lives
within 100 miles of the U.S./Canadian border? I would say thats
rather suspicious. Seems like a military build-up to me. In addition,
there are thousands upon thousands of sleeper Canadians
living within our border, going to our schools (Mr. Holt), attending
our churches, and leading seemingly normal American lives. BUT
as
soon as Prime Minister Jean Chrétien gives the signal (most
likely through a pre-recorded television message) these individuals
will strike against our unprepared nation.
Popular culture tends to portray Canadians as passive, friendly
individuals with not a care in the world. We are endeared by the
way that they turn every statement into a question, eh? We drink
their beer and share national pastimes (though while we are obviously
quite proficient at their game, they are quite awful at ours
cmon the EXPOS?). This is all a façade designed to
fool us! Who would ever expect those Commies up north to harm the
greatest power on Earth? If Al-Qaeda can do it, so can Al-Canada.
Canadians are all true Evildoers. On Jan. 29 our President George
W. Bush, a fine man indeed, presented to the world the new Axis
of Evil: North Korea, Iraq, and Iran. To him I appeal, please add
Canada to the list. They must be stopped. While I would suggest
annexing Canada all together, the more likely step would be to build
a giant wall on the border separating our two nations to prevent
further evil-doers from sneaking into our land. We must round up
all Canadians living in the United States, especially the troublemakers
like Mr. Holt, put them in detention centers and try them via Military
Tribunals. Their crimes may not yet be apparent, but that is of
no concern. WE MUST STOP CANADA NOW!
P.S. Because this is AMERICA and we speak AMERICAN here, this letter
will not be written in two languages, especially some sissy language
like FRENCH!
Jesse
Kanson-Benanav
College junior
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