What Would Nina Do?

Dear Nina,
I just got pictures back from Drag Ball and I think I might have to, like, transfer schools. Literally. I drank a large quantity of Southern Comfort in record time and was wearing a miniskirt. Which was fine until I started like freaking everyone I ever met with my balls fully hanging out my skirt. For some reason, my prime target was the guy who’s fooling around with the girl I am in love with. I was later told that I kept screaming, “What’s up now, white girl?” at him also. I now have pictures of her staring at me disgusted and shocked.
Next, the heel on my shoe broke off so I spent the rest of the night hobbling around like a gimpy crack whore until I puked on all the clothes I borrowed and passed out in the main lounge of my dorm, where my friends piled a bunch of garbage all over me, took pictures, and left me to be mocked by everyone who walked through the dorm.
I remember nothing, but unfortunately there is ample documentation. I am never drinking again.
–Hung Over Like a Mule

Sorry Sucker,
Yeah, there’s not much I can work with here. When your balls are on Broadway, the best thing you can do is joke about it since everyone else will. But don’t go overboard with that because you’ll only look more pathetic for thinking college is awesome because binge-drinking provides such amazing anecdotes. As for the girl, just let her know that you are embarrassed and know you are a total loser. Eventually that image of you will fade if you let her see the smoother side often enough.
Aside from that, just wait it out. Time just has to pass — maybe a lot of time. At least it’s spring. After the summer it won’t be such a big deal. Only your very best friends will talk about it forever and put the pictures on their fucking web pages or something cool like that.
—Nina
Dear Nina,

I am a sophomore living in Keep, where there is a serious Goth-Chic revival taking place. I am a surfer girl from Santa Cruz but I feel like I need a more East Coast look to fit in. I really want to be friends with these girls because they’re way deep, but how do I make the shift? They think I’m vapid because I wear colors and gesture when I talk… help!

–Makeover Manson

Dear Marilyn,

Make a serious B-line for Hot Topic, right after you check yourself. I mean, you have to decide first: do they think you’re vapid because you have a skateboard, or do they think you’re vapid because you are vapid?
Luckily, I don’t care if you are and I think it would only be funny if more people were wearing kabuki makeup and corsets, quoting Lord Byron while painting their nails black or whatever. I mean, I don’t know you but I absolutely love to picture you hiking up your crushed-velvet frock to run the Hobart in Keep kitchen.
Darkness is obviously and unconditionally “way deep.” Can you handle it? If the clique still won’t accept you, you could always one-up them all and kill yourself.

–Nina