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Alum
Responds to Basketball Crisis
To
the Editors:
As
a recent Oberlin College graduate and life long basketball fan,
I felt great pride this season at the strong showing of the OC men’s
hoops squad. True, the nine games the Yeomen won in Division III
pales in comparison to the #2 ranked Terrapins of the University
of Maryland where I currently attend graduate school. But everything
is relative, and for a program that has been largely uncompetitive
in recent years, this season was a big step in the right direction.
So you can imagine the shame I felt when I took my seat in my Communications
Law class this past Thursday only to be greeted by the taunts of
a fellow Maryland student and sports fan waving a copy of the Washington
Times sports page in my face. Closer inspection of the paper revealed
a blurb about my alma mater forfeiting all nine of its wins for
having played the entire season with a player on the roster who
was ineligible by NCAC rules. I was overcome with embarrassment!
If spending $120,000 dollars for a first tier liberal arts degree
does nothing else, it should certainly buy me the right to point
out to my state school peers at every opportunity how much better
than them I am. They should never, under any circumstances, have
occasion to laugh at my alma mater!
Now as those of you who remember me from my time at Oberlin know,
I’ve never been the type of guy to mock, criticize or kick
the institution when it is down. So to assist the College in making
sure a sort of shameful oversight never occurs again, here now are
the Top Ten Signs That Your New Basketball Star May Be Ineligible:
10.)
Had to sell his ownership stake in the Washington Wizards in order
to play.
9.) After being held scoreless in season opener, remarks that it
“feels like the SAT all over again.”
8.) Points out he’d average a triple double if you would include
blood alcohol level on the stat line.
7.) Official transcript includes the phrase “sentence reduced
for good behavior.”
6.) Regales teammates with tales of his sexual escapades with Madonna
and quickie marriage to Carmen Electra.
5.) Petitions the athletic department to make Depends the official
undergarments of Oberlin basketball — oh wait, that’s
one of the Top Ten Signs That Your New Basketball Star May Be Incontinent.
4.) Decorates his room in Zeke to look like a cave and punctuates
rousing pre-game pep talks with, “Death to the infidels.”
3.) GPA: A free throw.
2.) Continually badgers the Theater and Dance department to let
him star in a musical version of Kazaam!
1.) Her slogan: “I’m not only the basketball star, I’m
also the president!”
–Jeff Harvey
OC ’01
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