Would Nina Do?
Im scared. My obsession with the fairer sex used to be one
of my most rewarding pursuits of self-knowledge. But lately, I feel
godless as my sex-drive deflates over time. How can I learn to deal,
replace my sexual/spiritual canon?
-Agnost the Eunuch
a.k.a. Tanner Brooks
Dear Mr. Brooks,
Whoa, Agnost! Ouch. Well, if I understand you correctly, you have
grown out of some kind of experimentally kinky phase and are bored
by it now. Well, theres nothing you can do.
I dont know what to tell you except that this will continue
to happen at a constant rate as you approach middle age if you continue
to feed your cravings so readily.
I mean, say you get really into painting tiny fantasy figurines
(unicorns, griffins, Space Marines) with a tiny paintbrush while
wearing a magnifying monocle. That might seem deeply life-affirming
now, but Id be willing to bet that after a few years, you
might not be satisfied.
The question to ask yourself is not with what to replace sex, but
how to derive pleasure from the various parts of your life as a
whole, instead of focusing so obsessively on one.
I finally planted a wet one on my major crush after months of lusting,
and it was below-par! Im not sure whose fault it was but Im
scared we utterly lack chemistry. Moreover, what if I dont
even get to find out?
- Sad Smoocher
Dear Awkward Osculator,
There, there, poor girl. I know this is hard to recover from, but
basically, you have to take it lightly, because the reason your
face-sucking went sour is your placing too much importance on perfect
execution of such romantic moments.
The summer after 10th grade, when I spent all my time chain-smoking,
wearing a tattered nightgown and complaining about my dysfunctional
family, I had a crush on a sexually confused boy exactly 12 inches
taller than myself. We became friends and then he told everyone
I knew that he liked me.
Every night, we awkwardly gave each other five and parted ways.
I knew he was hot for my bod, but we both refused to make a move
for weeks! Finally, the much built-up night came. He invited me
upstairs (dorm room) and I sat there until I had to leave. I was
out the door when he yelled, in a desperate, pained voice, Nina!
I whipped around and met his glance and we rushed towards each other.
He swooped down for the kiss and it was seriously impossible, due
to the height difference, and how weird we both were.
Then I ran, full-speed ahead, but turned the wrong direction in
the hallway and had to then turn around, passing his door twice
in my startled condition.
There is a happy ending, however. We spent a good three weeks as
a very happy, very awkward couple. So if I can come back from that,
Im sure your guy also knows that first kisses can be a fluke,
and if you dont waste any time, you can nip the awkwardness
in the bud. Just remember that he is probably worrying about your
reaction as you are his.