To the Editor:
Recently, someone approached me about something I said my freshman year during orientation. This night has been etched permanently as one of the few times, out of the many, that I've put my foot in my mouth, later regretting what I've said. The comment was a sort of twisted joke made in reference to rape and to some extent about lesbians. Some friends have advised me to "get over it, if they can't take a joke screw `em." Others have said that it is too late to do anything now and that the best thing I can do is try and live my life in contradiction to that statement knowing in my mind that I really didn't mean it and that I am not that type of person. I tend to disagree with both forms of advice because I believe people should be held responsible for their actions. If I said the words, I should be held accountable for saying them.
The situation occurred my second night in Oberlin when my roommate brought over a bunch of unfamiliar people to our room. One of the girls in the group noticed a Blue Velvet poster and noted she wanted to "fuck" the director, David Lynch. I said, "I know what you mean. I want to do the same with (the Twin Peaks actress) Sherilyn Fenn," and I went on further to say, "In fact, if I had no morals, I would rape her." Of course everyone was aghast at this statement as I tried to convince them it was only a "joke," so I can never forget it. In some sense this statement is true, since it is our own morals that hold us back from committing an act. And others might say it's just an extreme statement of teenage infatuation. No matter, the statement goes beyond being un-p.c.; it is dehumanizing and shows a complete lack of character or class. My parents raised me better than that. They taught me to respect women and other people.
I'm still not sure why I said the statement. Had the group dynamics of going to an all boys Catholic school led me to dehumanize all women to the point of thinking of them as only sexual objects? I don't think so. Had I really meant to say that or would I actually ever conceive of attempting to do such a thing? Certainly not. Had I ever known at the time Sherilyn Fenn was a lesbian, would that actually have made a difference in my perceptions? I don't know. Was I just trying to get people all riled up in only my second day at Oberlin? I really don't think so. I really don't know how or why I said it, but the point is: I didn't bother to think before I spoke. I didn't think about the repercussions of my statement. I didn't think about what the statement was actually saying. I didn't think about how my parents taught me to respect women. I didn't think about how it was more than a sick joke. I didn't think about rape victims. Just didn't think. And if I ever did think an inkling in this fashion, I certainly do not today.
Since this time, two fairly close friends have been sexually assaulted. Like anyone close to a sexual assault victim, I wanted to seek out the ultimate revenge against the person who committed this most inhumane act. I have thought about this statement often since that night two and a half years ago. And even though I know many of those people in that room, including my roommate, have left this school, if I could remember everyone's face I would apologize to them individually. Statements and words do have a profound effect on people, and affect the way you think about yourself. I realize this may be too little, too late, but as long as I feel that I should be held accountable, I guess now is better than never saying anything at all. It is therefore, with great sincerity that I would like to apologize to all those individuals whose faces I can't remember, as well as, all women, rape victims, and lesbians in general for saying such a crass, stupid, unjustified, disrespectful and dehumanizing statement. MAYBE, one of these days I'll smarten up, and think a little about what I'm really saying before I speak.
Copyright © 1996, The Oberlin Review.
Volume 125, Number 10; November 22, 1996
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