The Oberlin Review
<< Front page Sports March 14, 2008

In the Locker Room: Colin Burling

This week’s In the Locker Room is with men’s tennis player, senior Colin Burling. He talks about goals, his preferred useless superpower and his celebrity inspirations.

Moose: What has been the biggest obstacle for you to overcome in your final season?
Colin:
The team as a whole has been dealing with a lot of injuries. From top to bottom we have injuries across the board. I have knee problems and arm issues, which have kept me out of singles competition. We just need to get healthy before the bulk of the season.

M: What nickname does your coach call you and why?
C Bear:
It started in high school, back when everyone was called “H Dog” or “J Dog.” My friends and I would say it to each other and, one day, someone switched it to “Bear,” and it stuck for me. We have a lot of names for each player. I am also known as Burlingitis for my ailments.

M: What goals does the program have for this season? Which teams do you really want to smack in the mouth with a racket?
C:
The team really wants to finish the season ranked in the top 4 of conference. The conference has gotten stronger so the task will be tough. Wooster and Allegheny are teams we really want to stick it to; and Kenyon will be the hardest, but that’s the one we want to win the most. I personally would like to beat Denison and get a win over my dad, who is their coach. Pretty much, fuck Kenyon.

M: Athletes are often encouraged to play through any circumstances that arise. What if, during the most intense match of your life, the court was invaded by millions of alien cockroaches — would you keep playing anyway? Discuss why or why not?
C:
I would have to play through it, unlike the Yankees who are little punks. I would for sure still win the match and overcome stupid little bugs.

M: If there was one sport outside of tennis you could be good at, what would it be and what would be your signature move?
C:
Snowboarding, because I have always been a skateboarder but never had the chance to snowboard. And snowboarding is sweet as butter. The move would be the C-Bear 1080 backbreaker because anyone else would break their back doing it. I’m that sexy.

M: What female tennis player has inspired you the most out of all the tennis players in the world? If you were a women’s tennis player, who would be your role model and why?
C:
Not the Williams sisters because they are terrible examples of respecting sport. Billie Jean King because of the social impact she had on the game. And she did beat Bobby Riggs.

M: If you had a useless, but sweet, superpower, what would it be and why? (When I say useless, I mean something that would not benefit society, like the ability to eat an unlimited amount of hot dogs.)
C:
Ability to skateboard without falling down. I would do every trick imaginable. I would jump from buildings and do sweet-ass kick flips. Also perfect gay-dar would be a good power to have.

M: As a doubles player, who would be involved in your dream doubles match-up? Your partner and your opponents or anyone in the history of existence?
C:
My partner would be Ilie Naustase because he is a hilarious trickster. We would face the Woodies, a team of Aussies, who are the best ever. The Woodies would beat our ass but Naustase would start a fight halfway through the match.

M: Who do you think would win the following tennis match: Jesus and the prophet Muhammad versus Roger Federer and Pete Sampras? (All involved are at they’re peak playing condition.) 
C:
Federer and Sampras because Federer is God. Sampras is Greek, so he’s Zeus. The prophet and Jesus are only the offspring and Prophet, they would totally get smoked by the gods.

M: It’s the final question! (Fireworks everywhere!) This week’s “Screw college!  Let’s open a bar on the beaches of Mexico!” question of the week is: Would you rather be saved or chosen?
C:
I believe that I have been saved by the touch of His noodly appendage. The Flying Spaghetti Monster is the light and the way. Ramen.

 
 
   

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