My girlfriend and I have been together for five months now, and we feel like we’re ready to take our relationship to the next level. We’re thinking of adopting, because we cannot conceive our own hamster. This is something we’ve been thinking about for some time now, but my girlfriend is getting cold feet. Should I be worried? My friend Brad thinks so.

–Gay Hopeful Mom

Wow! This is such a huge step in your relationship, and the commitment required is extraordinary. My first thought is to try to make sure you’re ready for this and the intense responsibilities involved in hamster rearing.

Just because everyone can do it doesn’t mean they should.

Primarily, hamsters are just a drain on time. Any moments you might have set aside for only you or you and your partner: gone. Just kiss any alone time goodbye. That hamster is going to pervade every aspect of your life. And you have to feed it, shelter it, give it attention. Do you think you’re ready for that kind of time suck?

And they are annoying. Always asking you for things, like…water and food. Just deal with it, hamster! Why can’t they take care of themselves? Clean your own cage for once, you bastard! And the wheel just never stops. It’s always with the friggin’ wheel!

All right, all right, I’ll assume that you think you are ready to go through the arduous adoption process — hamster-acquirement papers in hand. But I won’t give you a straight answer. That’s just not in my nature. It is ultimately up to you and your girlfriend to decide what’s best for your relationship’s (and your potential hamster’s) future.

You have to be ready for anything and everything you do to be absorbed and processed by your hamster’s developing mind. Your actions will have to be much more calculated. I can’t imagine you want your hamster to learn how to squeak curse words. It’s imperative you watch what you do around your hamster, and try to teach it the ways of the world in the best way you know how.

We also have to keep in mind that you’re gay. Ouch. Your poor hamster. This isn’t to say that gay folk can’t make good parents, ‘cause I’m sure they can, it’s just that the world might not accept your hamster quite as readily as they would if one of you was male. Also, what sort of gender roles are you going to teach your hamster? Where are you going to find a male influence? Try to avoid having your alternative lifestyle effect your new hamster’s development.

Now, as to worrying about your girlfriend’s cold feet, some people don’t become parents until they see their new hamster (all the books say so), so I wouldn’t worry too much about it. I am also assuming that you would be the primary caregiver of this hamster, so if your girlfriend unconsciously rejects your new family member, it can still have some form of parental guidance.

So, if you’re absolutely sure you want to go through with this hamster adoption, I think you should go for it, though you should have the financial and emotional resources to care for your new hamster alone. Because, besides a contingency plan for breaks, you have to be prepared to be the sole parent of this hamster. This is a lot of stress and this hamster (I am sorry to say) could be something your girlfriend can’t take. I’m sorry I had to be the one to say it, but…you have to be ready for the worst sometimes. I am glad we had this talk. I am. Really.

Don’t flip a shit! (Or just tell Julia.Chauvin@oberlin.edu)