So, I have the ability to and really want to sexile my roommate this semester…a lot. Is that actually okay?

—Captain Sex

I can’t really say anything for your roommate, but I totally approve of your getting of ass. Congratulations, dear. This is, of course, assuming you deserve it and aren’t a ridiculous jackass or anything. But, as you read my column, you have to be a reasonable human being. There’s no way around it.

The first question I have for you is if your roommate is male or female. Okay, my bad; screw the gender binary and whatnot. What sort of mentality does your roommate have toward sex? It really makes a difference. Are they a fan of it pretty much no matter what? Do they really like it when their friends get laid? Do they actually care where they sleep? Oh, right, and do they often hook up or have a significant other? Because if they spend a lot of time out of the room (or at least a little bit) you can just have fun, sexy times without them even knowing.

If your roommate has another bed to sleep in, you could subtly suggest that they spend more time there by locking the door and writing “SEX” in big letters on the message board. I mean, you could have more tact if you want, but who really wants to be polite or nice or a person who respects others? If they don’t, other alternatives may or may not have to go into effect.

I am attempting to exhaust all perceivable options before telling you to suck it up and stop having sex so much. I don’t want that for you. I really don’t. And if I were your roommate, as long as I had a bed to sleep in and you kept me updated on the lock-out situation (so I could have all of my belongings…like for class and stuff), I would be beyond happy to help you efficiently and frequently get laid.

But it just really matters what kind of person your roommate is and how attached (both physically and emotionally)  he or she is to being in the room. I mean, if you don’t even know if your roommate goes to class, there are permanent ass-impressions in either their chair or bed, and there is a peculiar stench next to a bottle on the floor, the chances of you having sex in there without your roommate participating in some way are frighteningly small. However, if they have a relatively active social life, chances are pretty high they want you to have one too.

There is always the chance of a “walk-in” (Hopefully, with 14 other people who you don’t really know but want to in tow), and that must be avoided for the comfort of everyone involved. This is not to say that some people aren’t strangely comfortable with that situation, but I feel as though we should not test this theory. So, some sort of creative and individual symbol must be designed in order to prevent such awkward encounters, like a purple elephant of some kind.

What you should clearly do is talk, talk, talk, talk to your roommate about the situation…actually. I feel as though this is a trend. Am I wrong? Communication is…good? And whatever you find out about the person you share a room with is going to be how you deal with the sexile situation. If you do not work this properly it could be the end of any pleasant roommate interactions you may ever, ever have. It will be DOOM! Okay, not quite so much as that, ‘cause it’s second semester, but just because of that doesn’t mean you should be a dick about it.

It’s good to be back, my children, so to make me happy, please send me your problems. Okay. I’m very much still glad we had this talk.

Relationship issues? Send questions for Glad We Had This Talk to Julia.Chauvin@oberlin.edu