This week I was pondering who I should interview for the final article. During my search I was speaking with an acquaintance who informed me of a mysterious character on campus. The character calls himself “the Ninja” and is known to move silently through the night, causing mischief around town.

I was able to contact the Ninja and the exclusive first-time public interview follows. The Ninja is a real character — the alter ego of an everyday person in Oberlin. He would not allow more to be said for fear of revealing his true identity.

Moose Terry: What should I call you and what is your occupation?

Ninja: The Ninja. My occupation is debauchery.

MT: What exactly is involved in the art of debauchery?

N: Skulking through the night. Slipping into restricted areas and machines. No violence. It’s not breaking and entering; it’s slipping and entering.

 

MT: What hobbies do you have outside of your occupation?

N: Hi Li, reading, drinking, smoking and all other types of ill shit. Oh yeah, peeing in the shower. Yes, the Ninja showers occasionally. I do not want my prey to smell me creeping in the night. 

 

MT: What draws you to play Hi Li?

N: Gambling in Miami and their escort services. Lots and lots of escorts in dark alleyways.

MT: What motivates you to do what you do?

N: Nothing motivates me really, except a genuine love for the night, the thrill and candy. Also a couple of special paper candies really get my engine going.

 

MT: Some people’s activities are inhibited by the weather. How does the change of seasons affect your activities?

N: I prefer warmer weather, but the rain covers my tracks.  I can wear my light gear during the warm weather and I have to wear my heavy gear during the cold season. My heavy gear is itchy because it makes me all sweaty.

 

MT: If you had a movie made about you, what would the soundtrack be?

N: First, I need Sean Penn to play my character. The soundtrack would be the music they play at Casa Fiesta. I really like that CD they play all the time when I’m in there.

 

MT: Besides his amazing talent, why Sean Penn, and who would co-star with him in the film?

N: Neal Patrick Harris and Tom Cruise would be the co-stars. Sean Penn, Tom Cruise and Neal Patrick Harris are all the man.  Sean Penn would play my everyday character. Tom Cruise would play my ninja, my night character. And Neal Patrick Harris would play my subconscious because he loves escorts too. And White Castle.

 

MT: What dreams did you have as a child, growing up a little ninja?

N: When I was hella mini I wanted to steal the crown jewels. I wanted to be a master thief. However, as I started to grow up, I realized vending machines were easier and the reward was oh-so-sweet. To quote Homer Simpson, “It was sacri-licious.”

 

MT: Is there any guilt in what you do, or are you proud of your accomplishments?

N: I take pride because I distribute what I steal to the masses. No regrets except for [not] getting a full night’s sleep for getting up and living my normal life. Shit, I even clean up after my activities. I’ve never been caught. And I will never surrender. Because although I move through the night, my path is the light of fun, thrill and debauchery. And one confectionary deliciousness. So fight on, fellow creatures.

MT: Well, the Ninja, it’s time for this week’s Casa Fiesta question of the week. Would you rather be eaten by a raptor or T-Rex?

N: I would choose T-Rex if he eats me in one bite.  I could not fight back because my ninja powers are for moving through the night.