Thank goodness you wrote in. I have been hoping and hoping someone would write in about twincest because I just really, really think it is such good idea. I mean, basically, incest in general is the best idea I can even imagine. What brings a family closer than incestuous activities?

If you haven’t participated in incest, you are seriously missing out. It’s a level of connection you’ve never felt. I don’t have a twin, but if I did, you had better believe that we would constantly be bangin’. Fo’ reals. I mean, what is hotter than someone you’ve grown up with for your entire life and looks almost exactly like you? It’s so hot. Narcissism is so, so hot.

It would be like having sex with yourself. Again… soooo hot. I mean, I know I want to have sex with myself (but then, who doesn’t?). Every time I look in the mirror, I have to contain myself from just attacking it. I am so hot. If I had a twin…oh man, oh man. And, if I looked like the Olsen twins, I would be on that faster than a starving man on a Christmas ham. The cracked-out, anorexic look with giant eyes and too much makeup is the new “in” thing, and it’s so hot.

Okay, so I have decided to stop being unreasonably sarcastic. I mean, I could probably keep this going with false enthusiasm, horrendously obvious sarcasm and thinly veiled disgust, but I think that might even be too much for me. Though I really love sarcasm, it might be time to stop.

So, that “respect” I guess I was supposed to treat this question with…well, I can’t. If you asked me this in real life, I would not be able to respond reasonably, rationally or even quietly. If it were appropriate I would probably continue writing in all caps. But that’s just not okay, so I won’t.

Alright, basically, the Olsen twins (neither Ashley nor Mary-Kate, even though Mary-Kate is a bit more screwed up) are not at all attractive. Please. They are really skinny, and I watched them grow up, which is creepy, weird and stalker-ish. I mean, Full House was awesome. The Olsen twins will forever, forever be 8 years old or younger to me. They were super cute then (in a completely non-sexual way, you creepy, perverted bastards), just not anymore.

I guess if you’re into money and really skinny, coked-out women, that’d be cool, and by cool I mean relatively unacceptable. It’s really not okay. Cracked-out, anorexic women have problems and are too skinny. People need to eat. Please understand that. It’s a key part of my life, and I don’t know how or why people don’t get that or why it’s good. Food is wonderful.

However, that is completely beside the point. Well, not completely, but mostly. Still, though, twincest is weird and creepy, and I disagree with it. It would be like having sex with yourself. If you are legitimately enough into yourself to perform sexual acts with yourself, please just masturbate. It’s significantly less frightening, and you don’t have to explain yourself to the disapproving public (me).

So, as a thing, I don’t understand twincest in any way whatsoever. Watching it or doing it or anything surrounding it except for finding it gross. ’Cause it is. It’s gross. Just narcissistic in lots and lots of ways and could you really be okay with it in the depths of your soul, really? Having sex with someone who you grew up with and have lived with and shares your genes and has the same parents and EW? Now, after saying that, I believe that the law should not judge anyone’s sexual choices, and everyone should be able to perform whatever adult consensual acts they want to and blah, blah, blah. But I am going to judge, and it’s going to be full of yelling and disbelief. Super. Glad we had this talk.

Send your relationship questions for Glad We Had This Talk to Julia.Chauvin@oberlin.edu