Glad We Had This Talk
I love my roommate but hate her boyfriend. He is a big ungrateful jerk and NOT good enough for her. He isn’t treating my roommate well, and I really don’t think they’re good for each other, because they want such different things out of life. How can I help her see that she deserves so much better? Is there a way to break them up without causing a roommate disaster?
What you have to do first is ask yourself how comfortable you are infringing upon your roommate’s autonomy in her choice of boyfriend (This is Oberlin…you have to…in those exact words). If you feel pretty good about it, then we’re in business. If you don’t really know, then ask Jay Nolan. He’ll tell you. It’s not my job to discuss with you what’s right or not. Hell if I care. I’m just going to tell you what could potentially work to break them apart.
You could stage an elaborate plot involving seven different people, a car, a stolen car, three kittens, Edelweiss, a horse head and one crazy night in jail. I don’t know if it will work without the cheesy music and awkward cinematography one finds in surprisingly entertaining but thoroughly meritless teen films, but it’s always worth a good, solid try. Besides, no matter the calamity, it’ll all work out in the end.
But that takes lots of planning and effort, and who really knows where to find seven willing people? It could be a difficult situation. In the same vein, however, you could contact the mob and “arrange” an “accident” for the boyfriend, but that’s only if you’re in a relatively comfortable financial or kneecap situation.
Perhaps some more feasible options should be pondered. Whatever.
I mean, you could always talk to your roommate about it, or even the boyfriend if he’s up for it (though that may or may not be a particularly good choice). Not both at the same time! Never both at the same time! They’ll never acknowledge or accept the truth and rightness of what you say. Try to have a rational discussion.
That means no yelling. None. On anyone’s part. If yelling occurs, that means no more discussion. It is a fight. Just tell her how you feel: that her boyfriend is a dick and she could do way, way better. Perhaps not exactly in those words, but you get my drift, right?
Just be rational. Make it seem as though the words you say make up a logical, well thought-out argument, even if they just don’t. Also, boost the hell out of your roommate’s ego. Make her feel good about herself. As soon as you ask the question, “Why are you still with him?” and her response is something other than “Because I deeply, deeply love him and really desperately enjoy spending time with him,” pounce! Discuss why she’s unhappy. Keep battering that weakness until a crack is made in the wall!
If you’ve tried talking and it hasn’t worked. You can flank her on both sides with a squadron of soldiers of justice. If all of your friends feel the same as you, get them all to attempt an intervention. You just have to be wary in that situation. Don’t make your roommate have to choose between her friends and her boyfriend. That’s messed up. You might never see any of your stuff intact ever again. Just make sure your concerns are heard (loudly) and understood. Remain kind. Do not provoke. Simply suggest.
More talking ain’t working? Is your roommate mad obstinate? The most effective way to lure people out of relationships is with delicious bait. If you can find one, throw an irresistible piece of meat out there for your roommate to catch. Make your roommate think it was her idea to break it off with current boyfriend and date new one. Be devious, devious, devious, and you’ll feel really accomplished afterward. But that’s only if it’s for the betterment of both parties. Don’t just be manipulative to play with people’s lives. You must consider the happiness of all parties involved and weigh said happiness against your actions. Utilitarianism, bitch. Learn it.
Just try to communicate, and if that doesn’t work, then, well, play with her life a little. As long as it makes everyone happy. Kay. Great. Thanks. Glad we had this talk.
To submit questions to Glad We Had This Talk, contact Julia Chauvin.