I am not an impressive man. I am neither at the very top nor very bottom of my class. Since my only distinction is that I would be the last person to ever speak at an Oberlin graduation, I will now use this final Wanton Distraction to bestow upon you my words of wisdom, because graduation + self-indulgence = speech!

First, a look at my experience in Oberlin by the numbers:

Days Logged: 1,030
Days Where Dropping Out Was Given Serious Consideration: 1,030
Days Where Parental Threats Stopped Me From Dropping Out: 1,030
Days My Parents Want To Keep Giving Me Money: zero

ACADEMICS:

Number of Courses: 36
Courses Regretted: 37 (the day I accidentally wandered into a mid-level Japanese language class was not my best day ever).
Grades of note: Three As, five Gold Stars, two Smiley Faces, one Scratch-n-Sniff “You’re Grape!” sticker.
Number of times I signed the Honor Code: 50
Number of times I thought the Honor Code was an empty gesture: 1,030

SOCIAL ACTIVITIES:

Longest time spent at a party: one hour, two minutes.
Shortest time spent at a party: negative 30 minutes (yeah...I had to undo some things and my disruption of the space-time continuum resulted in Bush getting re-elected in 2008, so please accept my apologies in advance).
Four-some: FAIL.
Three-some: FAIL.
Two-some: FAIL.
One-some: FAIL.Rejected by 25 women.
Rejected by three men.
Rejected by eight inanimate objects (my family has a proud tradition of being rejected by non-organic materials; my brother was once stood-up by his American History textbook).
Number of times there was sex in my bed: one
Number of times I was involved in that sex: zero

And now, some words of wisdom:

When someone asks you where you attend/attended college, chances are they won’t recognize the name “Oberlin.” Instead, tell them that you’re really not allowed to talk about it other than that you have been hand-selected among the best of the best and that only ten percent make it out of the program alive. End the conversation by commenting that they should keep their Death Spot better protected.

When someone inquires about your major, be creative. I recommend the following responses: gardening, home ec., muppetry, activism, hedonism, Nihilism, pornography, economics.

Whenever anyone mentions the real world, immediately grab him or her and yell, “You mean I’m still in the Matrix?! Quick, give me the red pill! I want to be able to dodge bullets, stupid questions and bill collectors!”

Drinking and drugs are not mandatory at college. It’s okay to be the only person in the room not laughing at the word “muffin.”

Just because you have a liberal arts education doesn’t necessarily mean that you will be homeless and unemployed. It just means that people will be slightly more understanding when you explain why you’re homeless and unemployed.

Realize that your diploma was probably made from the same tree used to make the placemats at Denny’s. Unfortunately, your diploma will probably not contain a jumble where the answer is “Grand Slam.”

But since you will be receiving the most expensive piece of paper in your life (unless you happen to take home a novelty cheque or the U.S. Constitution), I believe the diploma should do something. I think everyone’s diploma should come with a counter that displays how much you have left to pay on your student loans. When the counter reaches zero, it plays a little jingle. I recommend the theme from The Price Is Right.

I hope that after graduation, we can all join together and sign up for the military, because we truly are “fearless” and not just posturing for the sake of public relations.

I know you will take the life lessons you’ve learned here and pass them on to your children. Lessons like “Writing papers is easier while high, and it will probably only improve your grade,” “It’s important to voice your opinion on everything, no matter how uninformed and obnoxious it might be” and, most importantly, “Blame rich white men for everything that’s gone wrong in the history of humanity” (if you happen to be a rich white man, take out a 20 dollar bill and dry your eyes).

To the Class of 2006, I honor you. I thank you. I am sure you will all do...things.

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Now kindly get the hell out.