Satirical Distractions

God Apologizes for Typos in Arts Calendar

Last week as I was enjoying my morning coffee, I was reading over the delightful Letters to the Editor section of the Review and noticed that some of you were upset about some of the errors in the Arts Calendar. That was my bad. Usually I’m really good about catching typos but last week was just hectic.

I was trying to mix things up by giving hurricanes a rest and letting earthquakes have their moment. I also raised the Earth’s thermostat a bit because I really think the penguins will learn to fly if I remove all their ice. They just need a push. Oh, and I was constantly checking to see if Iran had gone from a country to a giant radioactive crater. And then there’s that American President constantly yakking at me. It’s cute at first but after a while I just want to tell him it’s nap time and he should get his ba-ba.

And since I’m omniscient (speaking of which, get your hand out of your pants because the Baby Jesus will not stop crying), I knew that the concert would get canceled, but I figured that with all the flyers and the online events calendar, you guys would be all right. But it was wrong of me to assume so much of you, because when you assume, it makes an ass out of you and me (more you than me, but let’s not play the blame game).

So I just wanted to apologize and I hope your weekend wasn’t completely ruined and I would really hate for you to stop reading the Review. Perhaps there’s some way I can make it up to you? Maybe a little money from the lottery or taking away some person’s free will so they’ll have sex with you? C’mon, Divine High-Five!

Your pal,
God

Breaking News: College Students Protest!

On May 1, college students across the country made a dramatic stand by walking out of their classes to show support for immigration. Rather than join the nationwide boycott, Oberlin students instead decided to cut out of their classes five to twenty minutes early. Such a response has shaken the nation to its very core. While the students walked out on their production of nothing, the repercussions of this action could be devastating in the long run.

Many believed that college students across the country would not leave class early but show the same laziness they showed on Election Day in 2004.

Outrage Expert Jerry Poppincock explained, “After extensive polling and statistical analysis, we’ve learned that while citizens ages 18-22 are reluctant to stand in line for an hour to decide who will lead the country for the next four years, they are happy to get an early lunch break if all they have to do is support a cause.”

When asked about students’ thoughts on the issue of immigration reform, Poppincock said that most of the respondents just responded with a glazed expression and then went to go play Ultimate Frisbee. Some students even smoked marijuana to show their support of the long-suffering South American drug business. Representatives for the drug lords thanked the students for their continued support.

Historians are calling this the most powerful display of moral indignation since the Day X walkout of 2003 in protest of the War in Iraq.

Moral historian Lily Fractures explained, “What makes these college walkouts so brilliant is that it’s a show of moral outrage that actually benefits the activist while hurting no one! These college organizers have discovered that being moral is much easier when you don’t have to sacrifice anything.”

Fractures went on to explain that while the walkout was referred to as a “strike,” the students never actually produced anything of value so the College will probably not have to hire replacement students to compensate for the loss.

We’ll have more on this shocking story as it develops.