Every year I am amazed by how Oberlin students materialize in the quads and squares and bowls and basically any place where the ground is green. I’m amazed not because people like spending time outdoors, but because it happens all at once. There’s never a slow build. One day, Oberlin looks like a ghost town and the next, all the souls of the damned have reappeared.
But I am disturbed by this love of the outdoors. I do not share in this love — do not judge me (the Bible says only Jesus and televangelists can do that), for I was born into this opposition, as I’ve been beset with seasonal allergies since the tender age of six (perhaps the age was more juicy or succulent than tender, but meaty, nonetheless). While others frolicked and played in the grass, I watched from behind the glass, tissues jammed into my nostrils and eye sockets (it is difficult to watch anything with Kleenex in your eyes, but it is possible).
However, being an outsider, I can see the forest from the trees and say to you now, we must bulldoze the forest and the trees. While you may see this as an idyllic spring, I feel it is my responsibility/moral duty/God-given-crazy-mission to warn you of the dangers that could strike at any time.
The following objects could strike you at any time: balls, Frisbees, sticks, flyers, laptops, Frisbees, unwashed hippies, washed hippies, non-Coca-Cola drink bottles and did I mention, Frisbees?
Watch out for Frisbees. Oh, you laugh now, but you won’t think it’s so funny when you’re hit with one. Do you have any idea how dangerous those things can be? Didn’t you see Tron?
You can’t download Internet porn outside. The wireless connection just isn’t strong enough.
God hates Oberlin. This may seem like a harsh statement, but the weather proves me right on this one. In what twisted world does it snow one day and then is perfectly lovely out the next? I woke up one morning, saw snow outside, went back to bed, woke up a few hours later and the snow was gone. God is messing with us before the kill. And I’m not talking rain, sleet or even hail the size of Buicks (Buick: The only car analogous to large objects).
No, it’s almost Passover time and everyone is just out dancing around. Bad things fall from the sky during Passover. There’s blood, frogs, locusts, and I think rotten meat is in there somewhere. So while you’re playing your Ultimate and your Hackey Sack and surfing your laptops and whatever else you unfortunate souls do, don’t be surprised when Kermit splatters all over your PowerBook.
Take heed of my words, for it is the hermits that shall inherit the Earth.
Granted, there may not be much of a hermit “community,” but we still
get the Earth. I just hope there won’t be any pollen-producing plants