The Oberlin Review
<< Front page Arts March 17, 2006

Wanton Distraction
By Matt Goldberg

Brokeback Boys Ain’t Never Gonna Get No Lovin’

I said no more movie articles, but I lied. My cultural depth extends about as far as my television set (but that television is a window to the world!) and I was still consumed with bitterness about Crash winning Best Picture at the Oscars a couple weeks ago. I was having such a good night that night. I looked so smart having called five-for-five in the major categories and I was certain Brokeback Mountain would win. Sure, I called Crash as a spoiler, but it was a long shot. And then Crash spoiled my evening.

As I retreated into my cocoon of loathing, I tried to comfort myself with the thought of other undeserving Best Picture winners. Unfortunately, this turned out to be like trying to remedy a bullet wound by thinking of the previous times you were shot.

And then I realized that I wasn’t so upset that Crash won but that people were so taken in by its ruse. Of course, Crash is hardly the first Best Picture winner to be guilty of this crime.

So this week I’m going to take some of the films that make you feel good and then explain why you’re a sucker. If anyone reads this column, I would expect it to be wildly unpopular. But I’d rather be unpopular and right than popular and wrong. Speaking of which...

Forrest Gump (1994)

The Trickery: Oh, this film is one of the most devious ever made. Even though most now recognize its inferiority to other Best Picture contenders Pulp Fiction and The Shawshank Redemption, the film is very good at manipulation. You have Tom Hanks, the most lovable guy in cinema, playing a character who beats the odds, has an incredible life and gives us great little sayings like “Life is like a box of chocolates, I hope you’re not a diabetic.” That’s the quote, right?

The Reality: Forrest Gump is based on a novel of the same name. The problem is that the novel is a satire. Forrest is a reactive character. He does what he’s told and he succeeds. This is in comparison to Jenny, who finds her own way through life and ends up getting AIDS. In the book, that’s the joke, but in the movie, it’s the moral. The film helps baby boomers who abandoned their rebellion of the ’60s and ’70s get all the sweet nostalgia of the era without any of the bitter sellout aftertaste.

The moral of the story... Do what you’re told and don’t think for yourself or you’ll get AIDS.

American Beauty (1999)

The Trickery: Great leading performances, beautiful cinematography, some memorable dialogue, dancing trash bags.

The Reality: It’s Ordinary People for a brand new generation of middle class white people in suburbia who still want to feel like their life is so hard. And because it is a retread, what does it really bring to the table? Ooooh, people act one way but are actually different on the inside! If you’re not true to yourself, you will be unhappy and eventually do something crazy like shoot your neighbor or even worse, have sex with Peter Gallagher! I feel richer for the experience already.

The moral of the story... If your apparently homophobic neighbor tries to make out with you, you make out with him right back. Also, a middle-aged guy who hangs out with a teenager and gets high is in no way sad.

Crash (2005)

The Trickery: We are all connected and we are all racist but we do not realize it. Through the illumination this film provides, we can overcome racism. Apparently, it was always that simple.

The Reality: Unless you are in the South, racism is subversive. We don’t look at someone who we believe is Arab and call him “Osama.” We just don’t want to be on the same flight. And while cops will racially profile drivers, racism does not make you sexually molest strangers. It’s broad strokes like these which make the film so ridiculous and yet so deceptive. It’s RACISM in capital letters, because apparently we are too stupid to grasp the dangerous and subtle reality of it.

The moral of the story... Falling down the stairs will cure your racism.
 
 

   

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