After The Oberlin Review drew up its own strategic plan in a very serious attempt to self-analyze and think about the future of Oberlin’s “newspaper of record,” the fact emerged that the Review’s staff have not come under public scrutiny in some time. And with all the pressure coming from the Student Senate Referendum asking such pressing questions as “Do you have confidence in President Nancy S. Dye?” and “Do you have confidence in Student Senate?” we just had to stop and ponder. Do the student body, faculty and administration have confidence in the Review? Only the publication of statistics and hard facts about our [GRADUATING] staff can possibly allow you to make an educated decision on this question.

Douglass Dowty: Position – Editor-in-Chief until October 9, 2004. Worst moment – Medieval allegory used to try and explain the town-gown situation in the opening editorial of Fall semester. Best moment – quitting the Review due to allegations made by the Grape concerning his alcohol “problem.”

Rachel Decker: Position – News editor, Spring 2005. Worst moment – slept through Friday morning because her hairdryer blew out the electrical circuits in her room. Best moment – finding the fussers every week without fail even though everyone else has “already looked there” without results.

Elizabeth Logan: Position – Arts editor, Spring 2005. Worst moment – wrote her first article as an arts editor on a lecture that news was already covering. Best moment – managed to make an article she had deleted reappear with no parts missing.

April Gentile -Miserandino: Position – Sports editor, Spring 2005. Worst moment – breaking two new brooms in half during a rambunctious game of can hockey in the Burton laundry room even though they were covered in all the duct tape that the Review office could produce, and nearly ending the traditional midnight game forever. Best moment – being stuffed into the garbage can by sports writer, Moose, with the assistance of the entire women’s lacrosse team.

Mohammed Nauman Hafiz: Position – News layout editor. Worst moment – showed up to the office drunk at 11:30 p.m., took a cigarette break at 11:32 p.m., came back into the office at 11:59 p.m., took another cigarette break at 12:06 a.m., came back into the office and declared that he would go on strike if we complained any more about his cigarette breaks. Best moment – inserting the following PSA in the News section at 5 a.m. for the editors to discover the next morning: “Help me please, call the police, you are my only hope, get me out of this job, get me out...aaagh...the boss is coming...the cat o’ nine tails, oh god, pulease, oh god, save me...save me. I can’t work anymore...I can’t do this anymore. HELP ME I AM IN HELL. Work for the Review.”

Miguel Rojas: Position – Photo editor. Worst moment – telling the chief arts editor at 2 a.m. to never speak to him again because she would not put a photo he had taken into the arts layout which had been finished for three hours. Best moment – performing high velocity tricks on his scooter in the office.

Kirkley Silverman: Position – Photo editor. Worst moment – coming back to the office and announcing that the orchestra concert wouldn’t have any photos because she wasn’t allowed in with a camera. Best moment – saving the day one night by coming in to fix photos that hadn’t come in until about midnight.

Lillian Copeland: Position – News clerk and subscriptions manager. Worst moment – failing to notice that the issue numbers on the front page and in the staff box were not the same, causing the library to send an affronted email to the managing editor. Best moment – dealing with out of town subscribers to the paper calling and complaining that they had not received a copy of the Review in the mail even though she had spent three hours at the post office sending them out.

Matt Levitas: Position – Copy-editor and emergency Friday layout crisis manager. Worst moment – expressing ridicule over a certain column in the arts section during Fall semester and claiming superiority of writing style and content due to his major in creative writing. Best moment – celebrating with copy-editor extraordinaire Harrison Demchick for having finally mastered the difference between an italicized and a plain-text period.

Steven Kwan: Position – Production manager and long-term manager until December 17, 2004. Worst moment – when questioned about exactly what being “long-term” manager meant, he answered “well...it’s hard to explain...nobody really knows...” Best moment – sticking rigidly to the idea that there must be an editor-in-chief against the strong opposition of the rest of the staff, yet still being there for everyone when they needed him.

Faith Richards: [job evaluation by guest writer and computer manager Ben Regenspan] Position: Managing editor. Worst moment – That time when she was talking all that crazy LARP shite. Best moment – That time when she was talking all that crazy LARP shite, and it turns out she almost killed some vampire or something.

Disclaimer: The opinions you form about the staff members in this column will actually have no bearing on the Review next semester, so don’t expect anything. Be prepared – nobody knows what might happen in the fall.