Although most students are unaware of its existence, there is a war going on at Oberlin, and so far very few people seem to care about this war at all. It is called the co-op war.

After interviewing numerous students, it became apparent that outside of the co-ops, students have no idea what the co-op war is about. When pressed, junior Jamina Creason said, “I don’t know about any co-op war. Leave me alone.”

Within the co-ops, only a few people seemed to know anything and what they did know they were unwilling to share with me. One Keep member, who would identify himself only as Lieutenant Whatley, demanded to know what side I was on and why he should talk to me. He did share this letter with me:

“Lt. Whatley took the attempt on his life by two inebriated Harkies very seriously and these matters shall not be handled lightly by Keepers. You can quote him on that. Lt. Whatley may wish to speak to you after tomorrow’s war tribunal if you play your cards right.” This was in a letter also copied to junior Nate Anderson.

When questioned, Anderson said he knew nothing about it. After other Keep students assured me that he did know something about it and I questioned him again, he again turned me down, showing he would refuse to talk or cooperate at all.

I attempted to talk to Whatley again, after the war tribunal, and was given no answer.

“I personally haven’t dealt with any wars this year,” said Tank resident sophomore Sarah Humphreys. She said that there are still stuffed animals in Tank taken last year from Harkness.

“I think co-op spirit is healthy, except when it leads to large-scale theft of College property that co-ops are responsible for at the end of the year,” said Humphreys.

There were some people that were willing to talk; they just all happened to live at Harkness. From them and Harkness’s super-super secret website, I was able to obtain the information I will share with you now. They asked to remain anonymous.

“This semester the wars started after two Harkness people pranked each other,” one Harkness member reported. “One moved all the stuff out of the others room but left a board to sleep on and a spear. Then the other taped recyclables all over the other’s room. Then it was one of their birthdays and the other forgot a present. He stole the grandfather clock from Keep to give to her.”

On the way back, the students with the clock were stopped by security and reported that they were bringing the grandfather clock back to Harkness after it had been stolen by Keep.

During the Vikings special meal there was a raid by Keep to retrieve their clock. They also stole Harkness’ salad and beer. It was returned to Harkness after the culprits were whipped with a potato masher. Lacrosse sticks, snowballs and freezing water were used in the battle between Harkness and Keep. During the raid the grandfather clock was broken. By the end, there was peace between Keep and Harkness. Soon after, they marched on Tank together.

They stole Tank’s microwave, butter, and its co-op sign.

“Tank really sucked about it. They were really lame and just said to ‘leave us alone,’” reports one Harkie.

“I’m not too annoyed,” said Tank’s Humphrey. “Except when our microwave keeps disappearing, but at least we have another one.”

Harkness also pranked Old Barrows by putting “dirty diapers” (homemade) all over the co-op. Colored rice paper was put in Tank’s showers so that the water would come out colored. Tank’s microwave was put in Keep and Old Barrows was blamed. Keep’s banner was hung from Harkness.

“During Spring Break, we switched all the microwaves and took the ‘Keepers Draw Blood’ banner and hung it from King,” said a Harkness student.

To conclude, the Harkness Mafia left me with a message:

“Harkness are the masterminds and invite all others to bring on the war. The less that others attack, the more they will be attacked and the more honor for Harkness.”

As yet, there has been no response to the statement from other co-ops.