The Oberlin Review
<< Front page Arts March 11, 2005

Modern mommies explored by aluma
Alum discusses gender roles

Wednesday in Wilder 101, author Peggy Orenstein (OC ‘83) delivered an informal talk entitled, “From ‘You Can Do Anything’ to ‘You Can’t Have It All’: Women’s Lives in a Half-changed World.” Only two Oberlin students showed up.

“I’m not surprised there aren’t many students here,” said Orenstein to the small group comprised mainly of administrators and faculty, including some of her former professors. Orenstein’s work tackles women’s issues, particularly marriage and family — topics that aren’t on the radar yet for most college kids, she acknowledged.

Orenstein based her talk on the book she published in 2000, Flux: Women on Sex, Work, Kids, Love and Life in a Half-Changed World. Drawn from several hundred interviews, the book addresses the burdens that remain on mothers in the wake of the fragmented feminist movement. Orenstein’s own apprehension about the impact that having children would have on her career and marriage inspired the book. “I don’t know about you,” she said to the group, “but when I’m struggling intensely with something, I like to ask two or three hundred other people what they did.”

The world is “half-changed” according to Orenstein because it has become acceptable for mothers to work outside the home, but not equally acceptable for men to take on equal or greater responsibilities in the home. Stay-at-home dads are stigmatized with comments like, “You’re the mommy,” which reinforce again and again the traditional male role as bread-winner.

While men feel drawn away from the home and the family’s emotional center, working women feel drawn back into the home by what Orenstein calls “a culture of guilt.” The executive power of stay-at-home moms over the family and the home is seductive, and working moms don’t want to entirely relinquish that power to their husbands or anyone else. Motherhood also gives women an overwhelming sense of responsibility. “The words ‘bad mother’ are like kryptonite to women,” said Orenstein. Orenstein’s articles on women’s issues have appeared in numerous publications, including the New York Times Magazine (where she is a contributing writer), Vogue, Elle, Salon, and The New Yorker. Her first book, the national bestseller SchoolGirls: Young Women, Self-Esteem and the Confidence Gap (1994) explored why adolescent girls fall into self-doubt as they search for voice and authenticity. She is currently working on a memoir entitled, Waiting for Daisy: Some Lessons on Love, Loss, and Making a Baby.

Perhaps college students made a smart choice in staying away from Orenstein, and far-off ideas like motherhood and mid-life crisis. As if I didn’t have enough on my mind this week, I now feel the sudden urge to ask my boyfriend questions like, “Are you going to stay home with our kids?” On the other hand, it’s good to get some perspective — to know that Oberlin is a mere prelude to host of exciting, although difficult, experiences.

More information on Peggy Orenstein is available at www.peggyorenstein.com.
 
 

   


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