To the Editors:

After easily obtaining a search-warrant with the help of my fraternity brother John Ashcroft, I was able to search the Library records and Financial activities (including car purchases) of Walker Evans.

I can assure you that his reading and spending habits would induce ulcers in the stomach linings of many a fine young lass, lad or platypus.

Mr. Evans’ proposed “One Ring to Rule them All[1]” doctrine is nearly as corrupt as the numerous Halliburton contracts which have been granted by our current administration, whose vice president Dick Cheney is rumored to have been a top runner-up for Luce Professor of Emerging Arts (Mr. Cheney had vowed to give lectures limited to dead white men, preferring those whose last names began with the letters “S” or “B”).

All Enlightenment philosophy aside, the time for action might be now. We must move upwards for progress is surely circular and stagnation may only follow abreast its hoary white head.

The salutary effects of oatmeal [2] upon mongoose living out of dumpsters is indexical of the current trend towards globalization and increased nuclear armaments.

We must not fall behind. We must not fall forward. We must not falter. We must not think. We must accept passively. We must progress.

“Upwards[3].” Forwards. Onwards. Outwards. Our manifest destiny is clear at last: a Wal-Mart in every lunch pail.

–Joe Kimmel
Double-degree junior
[1] The Lord of The Rings, J.R.R. Tolkien.
[2] “The Salutary Effects of Oatmeal on Quakers,” Quaker Oatmeal Corp. Quarterly, vol 34. No. 11.
[3] “Ascension,” The Biennial Publication of Directional Words, vol 1.