DM: Yo.
DC: All I can say is that I took all the darts out of the board so that you wouldn’t throw any at me, in one of your little rages, like you did the one at the bed. Why don’t you tell them all about that one.

I don’t think that is relevant. Fix my dartboard.
DC: You wouldn’t.
DM: It’s so bootleg now.
DC: How does this thing fit on there? Oh, that’s how it fits on there. Oh, fuck me. Sil, the problem is you got a screw loose

I hate you. OK, Dan, now that you’ve managed to destroy my room having only been here a matter of minutes, what’s it like to be back in the states after being abroad in New Zealand for a semester?
DC: Back in the states? Or, like, back in Oberlin? It’s pretty cold. It was all, like, sunny there and stuff.

What about the women?
DC: Very strong women.

Since Dan’s on the phone now
DC: I’m off the phone! You were on the phone! I can’t be on the phone!?

DeVaugh, you’re from Harlem of all places
DC: Hey dude, I live across the river from Harlem! Oh yeah! Don’t put that in, I think the word “dude” indicates that I should never be in Harlem.

Anyways, what the hell brought you to Oberlin?
DM: To get away from the craziness of the city. Too many distractions.
DC: Drugs? He is “Doctor Assfunk.” Assfunk is one word. And I think he came here because he was very much frustrated by women, lots of women. This is just a lesson that you can’t try to give yourself a nickname, man.
DM: Yo, but you can’t stop the funk. You can’t fake the funk. Yo, I’m full of the funk.
DC: He can’t stop the assfunk either, I guess.

What is assfunk?
DC: Do you really want me to answer that, Sil?

God help me...Yes, Dan, what is assfunk?
DC: You just gotta’ know, man, and once you know, you know that it is you know, I have no answer to this question, you just have to know. And obviously you don’t know.

I still hate you. DeVaughn, you never played lacrosse before this year how did you get involved with the team? Dan, shut up, I asked DeVaughn a question.
DM: I thought about playing basketball
Indiscriminate laughter.
DC: How tall are you?
DM: Yo, you don’t have to be tall to play basketball, that’s a myth.

DeVaughn how tall are you?
Crickets chirp.
DM: It was time for a change.
DC: You could have tried fencing.

Ok, another question why does every sentence you say start with “yo?”
DC: Man, have you noticed that I put “man” in front of everything? Yours is “Shut up, I hate you and I want to kill you.” That’s usually how you start your sentences.

Shut up. I hate you. Alrighty (No, Laura, Iam not Tre damn it), we seriously need to talk about some sports here. Practice has started, and the season begins before too long, what do you think this season will bring?
DC: Uh, ya’ know, I’m pretty excited about this year. We have about 20 guys which is a lot more than we’ve had before. And I’m hoping we can actually use that number in order to play well for a long time. We used to always get tired about three quarters of the way through games, and hopefully this year we can get through and actually beat some of our opponents because we’ve got some good new guys. I’d like to make a shoutout to all the new guys. You’re all beautifulDiaz, pull your pants up.
DM: You’re not black (By the way; DeVaughn is black).

I’m going to a bad part of Hell.
DC: So, DeVaughn, do you have anything to say?
DM: I just want everybody to bear with me for this first season, because I’m new to the game, so I’m not at the same level that a lot of the other players are. I’ll try not to mess up the flow a little bit.

So with the new players the team has gotten new helmets, new gloves and new shorts. What do you think about the attention that is being paid to the team now?
DC: Those helmets are hot. It’s good to see that people care.
DM: Yeah, it makes people on the team feel like the school pays attention to us. It’s more motivation to do better.

DeVaughn, you’re an offensive player what do you think about the offense thus far?
DM: Offense? Brother plays defense! Before I can play offense I have to learn how to throw and catch, so I’m more concerned about that right now.
DC: I heard that AK [senior Aaron Krohn] was giving you lessons. So you should be ready to go soon.
DM: Ya’ gotta’ start somewhere.

The team has a road trip planned for Spring Break that will take them all the way from Oberlin to North Carolina for games. Are you looking forward to this?
DC: Definitely. I’ve had to stay in Ohio for two years during Spring Break, and it’s going to be so nice to get out of here. Going to North Carolina, should be a little bit warmer than here, play a couple games, practice a little bit down there. I definitely think that this trip is a good start to getting this program going again, getting people excited about it.
DM: It will be a good bonding session for the team.

All right, thanks for your time, fellas. Here’s hoping there is another “In the Locker Room” next week and I’m not suspended.