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Review soccer makes ‘whine’ out of the Grape

By Ryan Silakoski

We came. We saw. We conquered. Despite The Oberlin Grape’s best efforts, they were unable to live up to the hype that they had created for themselves on the soccer field. In the 10-1 loss last Sunday, the title of “Coolest Paper on Campus, Effective Until the End of Time” was rightfully bestowed upon the Review after what can only be described as the beating of a smaller and weaker life form.

After showing up late for the game, the Grape staff realized that they had bitten off more than they could chew before the game even started. The words “Wait a minute, you’re playing!?” were overheard as Review sports editor Ryan Silakoski passed Grape sophomore Eva Green.

The rules were decided upon quickly. The game would be the first to five and each team would field five players. The starters took the field and the game quickly took off.

Even though the Review did not have sophomore women’s soccer player and sports editor Laurie Stein (in case excuses are given, the Review had no college soccer players on their squad), Review sports writer Jamie Frankel scored the first goal merely a few minutes into the game as he sliced through the Grape’s defense and into the goal.

Following him was a header goal by Silakoski, and the Review’s third goal by sports writer Sehban Zaidi. After 20 minutes of play Jamie Frankel scored his second goal to bring the score to 4-0.

With the game on the line, it was decided that the Review would bring in their secret weapon – editor-in-chief Doug Dowty.

With the speed of a stallion and the grace of a gazelle, Dowty deked in and out of the Grape defense as he worked his way to the goal. After a few missed opportunities to score, Dowty saw another chance as he dribbled the ball down the left sideline. With brilliant athletic ability, the Review secret weapon “steamrolled” (sound familiar Grape staff?) past the defense and into the goal for the game-winning score.

After reaching the five goal mark within half an hour, it was decided that the game would be extended until a team scored ten. Reasons for this are not certain, however; it is rumored that the Review was disappointed that they had not yet begun to sweat and wanted to continue in hopes of getting some sort of exercise.

It was at this point that the beating became little more than a sadistic assault on the Grape’s inflated ego. Goal after goal was scored as the Review attempted to spread the statistics around. Goals were scored by Review photo editors Miguel Rojas and Kirkley Silverman as well as computer manager Andrew Parsons as the Review marched on to victory.

Having reached the score of 9-0 the Review decided that they would make the Grape sorry for their arrogant challenge by merely passing the ball around and playing keep-away. This little game continued for about five to ten minutes before a wild shot was taken by the Grape from nearly midfield and somehow squeaked into the Review goal giving them their lone score for the day.

The shutout over, it was now time to end the game. Zaidi took the ball down the field, passing between Silakoski and Frankel while the Grape’s heads spun in utter disarray as they attempted in vain to stop him.

The 10th and final goal was quickly scored and the game ended. Hands were shook and the Review immediately went back to the office to continue their hard work on the newspaper.

If you were fortunate, you may have gotten a glimpse of the victory march as the Review staff marched back to their Burton office. The team, led by captain Dowty, marched down Woodland Street and over North Quad with Silakoski’s truck tailing (yes, over the grass) playing “We are the Champions.” Cheers went up, hands showing the number one were raised, and a general sense of pure victory was in the air. The “pansy-assed geekazoids” had now destroyed the Grape not only on paper, but also on the soccer field.