The Wonky ExpressThe Wonky Express

Campaign Name: "The Wonky Express"
Type: Tabletop
Setting: D&D Homebrew
Premise: Six adventurers are chosen to save a very silly world.
DM: Naomi Goodman

Characters:
Kakihara - A morally ambiguos ninja with skill points in Smile. Played by Ivan.
Lucreta - A liberal vampire. Played by Abigail.
Stormrider - A psychic half-giant. Played by Jonas.
Cavil - A fire mage with a split personality. Played by Coulter.
Tekel - A kender, with all the attributes of a kender. Played by Jessie.
Azodi - A monk who, whenever he attacked, was either extremely effective or hurt himself. Played by Greg.

Quotes

Jonas: I just have to choose a feat.

Ivan: Wouldn't that be a foot?

Jonas: Can we have a troop of kender?

Naomi: They go through the town, and suddenly no one has clothes.

Greg: Or houses.

Naomi: Or hair.

Do geodudes count as exotic weapons?

- Ivan

You made a geode, dude.

- Abigail, after Stormrider hit a pokemon so hard it broke

Naomi: It misses. And there is much rejoicing.

Ivan + Coulter: Yay!

The kender is using the spyglass to examine the anime maid's earings.

- Jessie

I serach the corpses for artifacts of great power.

- Kakihara

Isn't that sweet. We're all not dead yet.

- Kakihara

Naomi: You find one half of a broken key.

Ivan: So we find one fourth of a key?

Kakihara: Who are you and why shouldn't I kill you?

Stormrider: Because I have a greatsword that's bigger than your body.

Those are cool kneecaps you've got

- The kender to the half-giant

I'm saving the world with a bunch of sociopaths.

- Lucreta

I make an untrained smile check.

- Jonas

You actually have a significantly better chance of being stabilized if I stab you.

- Kakihara, who has skillpoints in acupuncture

Tekel: Try not to puncture a lung.

Kakihara: It's okay. He's got two.

(Kakihara heals Stormrider with acupuncture.)

Lucreta: Kakihara helped you.

Stormrider: Am I going to explode?

Jonas: You really think that?

Abigail: No. I just like to agree with the DM.

Naomi: Why do I feel like no one really likes me anymore?

Lucreta: We'll do whatever you feel is best.

Kakihara: I get worried when you say things like that.

Kakihara's like: No! Bad poetry! My only weakness!

- Ivan

I never try to kill you. It just kind of happens.

- Naomi, apologizing to Greg

You're just jealous beause the spirits only talk to me.

- Cavil

Don't tease the ninjas, dear.

- Lucreta

Your attention span isn't long enough and I'm not serious enough to hold a grudge.

- Kakihara, making up with Tekel

She's luting the tavern?

- Jessie, on a bard

Kakihara, you are now being flanked by a vampire and a pikachu.

- Naomi

You know, if I'm going to keep you alive, in the future I'm going to expect better jokes.

- Kakihara to Azodi

Azo-di, Azo-die, life goes oooo-on!

- Naomi

Ivan: And even if it's immune to acid, it's not immune to earth elementals falling on it.

Jessie: I choose that immunity for all my characters.

I yell 'zombie, zombie, zombie' in hopes that the zombies become confused and run into the mud.

- Ivan

Remember: Ninjas are pointy on every end.

- Jessie