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This weekend again confirmed that long walks are entheogenic. I'll take my meditation on the hoof, thanks. That's my preference, having spent way too much of my waking life thus far on my tush.

There is such an exquisite sense of freedom when walking outdoors, with no particular destination and no particular timeframe. Energy is flowing freely everywhere, completely unbound.

The core physical being rejoices, and the core mental being resumes control. The oceanic peace, the clarity, the perfect freedom, of the core being.

When walking, all there is is pure being and pure awareness.

As much as I respect the traditions of Buddhism, Hinduism, Sufism, all the great spiritual traditions, I still like to reinvent, rediscover, make from scratch, from the materials at hand, which are the same materials ever at hand.

Those materials are pure being and pure awareness, core being and core awareness, that which remains. Pure being is the body and its elements, an energy pattern that remains more or less intact for a time, in this case the ground of being--the stuff of the universe--assuming human form, as well as every other form it assumes. Pure awareness is the I AM that persists, the universal energy's awareness, which assumes all forms.

There is loss of identification with a false self, the limited identity of name and form. There remains a separate self, a unique form, a separate node of awareness, which, although separate in a sense, is the same Ground of Being, the same universal energy, the same pure being, the same pure awareness. It is One Identity, One Universal Self, in many forms. The forms are many and appear separate, but are not separate in essence, not separate in identity. It is the same One in every form.

This very mind and body, what a glorious Being lives here! This is it! In every mind, in every body! As every mind, as every body!

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It's getting harder to be able to be distracted. I'm embarrassed by my plethora of toys. If I only knew then what I know now, I'd be living the most absurdly austere existence with wild joy. As it is, I'm surrounded by the trappings of a self-indulgent life, of which I would not shed a tear over if all of it suddenly vanished.

What would I cherish, and preserve, that I have now? Jean, the cats, the plants. The basic necessities for health and safety and household next. Then the options, the value-adders: guitar, drum, keyboard, candles. Then the modern tools of communion: Internet and telephone. Then radio, broadcast and two-way. And daily newspaper. Lastly, my least favorite option, television. A very occasional hilarious or thought-provoking or eye-opening program. Otherwise the essence of endless materialistic distraction, the primary purveyor of mass delusion in our age.

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This morning wa a four-panther morning. Getting up 90 minutes before the usual time, to find the paper has arrived. Breakfast, and sitting in the comfy chair with four lap cats and a mug of strong french press coffee. Silence, the electric clock jumping from second to second the only sound, other than the purring of cats. It doesn't get much better than this.

But it does. When I am as awake as I can be, I remember That which I AM. This mind, this body, it's been here all along. So beautiful. There is nothing better. It's always here, it's always now. The Present, the Presence. Just being this.

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A copy of the new book "Slaughterhouse" made its way to the library today. Uh-oh. Shouldn't have opened it, but did anyway. No wonder the ranks of vegans are on the increase.

It's easy to identify with other metazoans, no matter what species. Other organisms, just like me, are just trying to make it. All of us feeling pain. To be able to make it without causing pain to other organisms makes a lot of sense, especially when we're aware of awareness wherever it is, in whatever species it resides. The metazoa called cattle, and hogs, and chickens, just want to make it--when I see them at the fair or by the roadside I see them seeing me, and it's impossible not to be aware of their awareness, their lives, as circumscribed as they are, or have been made to be. My own life is fairly circumscribed, too, only I won't get a stun-gun to my head and hung on a hook and have my throat cut and sent through the factory. If I love all life, and respect all life, and identify with all life, I live and eat in a way that confirms that. I may make only a negligible difference in the face of it, but it makes all the difference to me. Beans might not be as savory as turkey, but my self-respect gets what it needs. Hypocrisy is the Eighth Deadly Sin.

Funny how a new resolve in the direction of what's good for life brings happiness. Following your bliss is the way to go. When I'm following my bliss, I hear music, the most beautiful joyful music, in my head.

My circumstances are what they are, it's as if I've just landed in this body, inheriting Bill's karma, and Bill is gone, having taken the next train out of town. So I look at this karma, the circumstances Bill got himself into, in a calm, dispassionate way. Well, now, guess it's time to work on it, clean things up. These circumstances don't cause the suffering, my perception of these circumstances does. Things could be a lot worse, I could be in a rotten circumstance with a rotten perception of it...maybe the worst of the worst is to be in a pretty outrageously decent circumstance and still have a rotten perception of it. In my household there's enough water, food, clothing, shelter, heat, fuel, health care. We lack for nothing. I should make friends with the collection agents.

As teenagers a friend and I had this regular thought-exercise where we would talk about another teenager we knew, usually a guy who smokes, drinks, cusses, a ne'er-do-well, and imagine what we would do if we were in his body. Of course we would stop smoking. Of course we would stop drinking. Etc. etc. Resulting in transforming a juvenile delinquent into a prize pupil, of clean mind and clean body. My friend has long ago gone off and become a successful, if prudish, physician. I, alas, eventually became in his eyes just another juvenile delinquent, of unclean habits and self-destructive path, and we have gone our separate ways over the decades. I met up with him by accident a few years ago, and time has not healed the rift. Funny how the last memory of a person stays fixed in the mind, a snapshot of that person that doesn't change, even though the ever-changing person has. The person I was decades ago was not me, any more than the person I was an hour ago was not me. I keep re-inhabiting this body as if for the first time, over and over.

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Seeing Body Worlds in Cleveland a few months ago left an indelible impression, and what is most useful now is the image of the core human body, a graceful, supple, universally similar physique. As I walk through town I feel that core human body's presence, feel its long sinews, and visualize becoming evermore closer to this core being, in the physical sense. Also, it's evident to me there is also a core human mind, the natural mind, uncluttered, unburdened, clear, awake, aware. We were all born with core bodies and core minds, natural bodies and natural minds. At some point we can regain our innate 'coreness', our natural purity, and live each day as this core being, our bodies a nature preserve, our minds a clear, wide-open sky.

I've spent most of my adult life in the larval and pupal stages, relentlessly self-indulgent and living in a self-absorbed chrysalis. Only lately have I found my wings, and have learned that I can fly. I have flown far, and flown high, glorious days of free flight. Just one day of freedom has made the preceding decades of self-imprisonment an understandable experience. I'm a late bloomer, but I've bloomed, blooming right here right now right where I'm planted. If people can bloom just once, can fly just once, that's enough.

It feels so good to find the way to being skuzzy simple, enjoying the simple pleasures, living in the moment, in a state of ineffable surrender to that no-self Self of universal energy that has assumed this form. The funky material plane, having a sense of humor as this ship sinks slowly in the sea of entropy and red ink.

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A request for discussion of the problem of providing a context for the entheogenic experience arose on the SalviaD_Alliance board. Our culture has no context for mystical experiences, period. It's geared toward materialism, consumerism, and that's the official state religion. Mystical experiences fall very much outside the state religion. It's up to us to create a context for safe, meaningful use of entheogenic plants, especially for initiates, or novitiates.

I was lucky to have a park and the company of open-minded friends for my first entheogenic experience as a young man. With lesser company, and without the presence of trees, grass, sunlight, wide open sky, my first experience could have just as easily been hellish.

Walt's comment rings true: we really do need some sort of ceremonial, religious context to provide the right mindset and setting. We already have the right entheogen: Salvia divinorum, fresh living leaves of it, chewed well--a direct connection to all of nature, within and without.

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So good to be home again--a great sacrifice compromise it was, spending a weekend in a hotel, to keep peace in the family, to fulfill a social obligation. Had a good time in spite of my misgivings, got a couple good long brisk walks in, found Johnny Appleseed's gravesite and had a nice moment with Mr. Chapman's spirit there on top of the mound. Even though he was very much an evangelical Christian, a Swedenborgian in fact, he was a man of the earth. I just said out loud "it's always the same Holy Spirit, isn't it." Felt a fine rush of that spirit as I descended the mound.

This morning, two cats on the lap, French-pressed coffee getting into my system, did the usual worship and adoration of the animals melted onto me. Animals are people of the Earth, truly. All animals are beautiful people of the Earth. In animals, in plants, in rivers and sky and boulders and fields and woods, in sun and moon and stars, is such perfect beauty. I can tolerate my fellow human beings and their art and artifices in the physical and mental realm, that's what humans 'do' obviously, and arguably all human activity is part of nature, an extension of nature. But still... the roaring of traffic on the nearby Interstate near Chapman's gravesite, the sprawling concrete-and-steel edifices looming in every direction...they don't affect me quite like a forest, or a skyful of stars.

A note on the 'suggestion board' in the library this morning, requesting a 'non-silent study room' that has music playing. The student complained that silence creeps him out.

In a previous life I couldn't get enough music. Of course Cannabis makes musicophilia that much worse. I understand the White-Wired IPod-People Culture very well. Now, I'm a hard-core minimalist, silence is perfect music, emptiness is fulfillment. From the baseline of clear empty silence all things rise and fall. That which is beyond all the senses, is music to my ears, the Beholder beholding the Beholder is perfect Beauty. At least this way I can overcome negative feelings about the ongoing changes human beings are making to the Earth.

The roar of a dozen giant earthmovers changing a fallow field into a Wal-Mart Supercenter and parking lot two miles south of town. Topsoil removed, asphalt and concrete soon to follow.

Who owns the Earth? Who has the authority to zone ever-enlarging parts of the Earth "Commercial"? Should we just go ahead and zone the whole Earth commercial, and let the people who want so much stuff get it out of their system when they see what the desire for stuff is doing to the Earth?

Although with nonduality I've overcome much of my despair over the ongoing desecration of the Earth. For this civilization to collapse so that the jungle can return is a wish that will inevitably be fulfilled.

Just as Kat Harrison's Salvia vision told her to 'show them the edge of the Garden' so does mine--same vision, same Garden. Communing with the Garden, and helping others commune with the Garden, is all I want to do. All ground is sacred. All life is sacred. Animals are people of the Earth, pure spirits. To be an animal--which I am--feels so right, so good, so beautiful, so real. Whatever supports life in all its forms is Good. Whatever doesn't support life in all its forms, or is harmful to life in all its forms, is not so good. If it's anti-life, it will not stick around forever. The Garden overtakes it all, sooner or later.

To do outreach work for the Garden, it's useful to fully be the Garden. The Salvia vision reveals the Garden so clearly, the Garden within in all its glory. To walk around, being the Garden, requires surrender to the Garden, in this moment. There is redemption to be found in this moment, salvation in this moment, surrendering to, and being, the Garden.

To be the Garden is the way to help people recognize the Garden within themselves. Garden recognizes Garden. When I am fully manifesting Garden, the Garden in others recognizes the Garden in me, just as I see only Garden when a living radiant awareness stands before me. When I remember that I'm the Garden I remember that others are the Garden.

Animals can't help but be what they are, and how they are; likewise human beings, after suffering through free will of egocentricity, can return to this spontaneous authenticity of the animal. I have no name, no species, no idea of who I am, I am nothing, but there is this silverback great ape wearing clothes and shoes and glasses, going about his great-ape business. Hairy back, fingers and toes, striding along swinging knuckles through the air, looking around.

To be a simple animal. Most people like to be around animals, animals make people feel good. Dangerous animals thrill and inspire; harmless animals delight. Affectionate animals provide a wild blessing, healing. Animals are altogether therapeutic just by being animals. Fully in the moment. No agenda, hidden or otherwise. No pretense whatsoever. People can be this way, because people are animals. Beautiful animals. We can be beautiful people of the Earth, because that's what we really are.

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Silence. Stillness. Serenity. Spirit. Just to be in this, always here, always available. Return to the source, come home.

My personal history is of no interest to me, as it all is history, has slipped away and vanished, all that I thought was home and family, gone, long gone. All that's left is what's been in me as me all along, that glorious being of energy, of earth and sky and sunlight and rivers and lifespirit. This is my home now, always has, always will be, wherever I AM happens to be.

Writing about these things is something I enjoy doing, even though words are of limited usefulness. Only people who can read and understand English, who have come across these words, may or may not find anything new or useful or pertinent. Better than writing about, is to embody. The writing-about is an urge, a way to howl in the treetops just for the sheer joy of howling.

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Flesh and metal. Spirit and semiconductors. Being high, and high technology. To each his own, certainly, we all must work through our desires and our attachments by reaching the point of diminishing returns, of outgrowing them, of getting them out of our system. Until then, the toys, the distractions, the stimulations, remain our objects of attention, our valuables.

As much as I appreciate high technology and its benefits and its fascinating toys I have come to realize, somewhat late in life, that I have one attention span and a finite, ever-decreasing number of days left in this form. Do I spend the days remaining stimulating myself, amusing myself? I've seen the most beautiful sights, I've heard the most beautiful sounds, I've tasted the best food and drink, I've inhaled the headiest aromas, I've felt the most pleasurable tactile sensations, I've thought the most beautiful thoughts. All for what? Who cares? Does it benefit others? Am I a better person for all that stimulation?

The challenge presented by Salvia divinorum is the challenge of living a spirit-centered life. Salvia experiences take me directly to the lifespirit, to that 'still, small voice within.' This changes the value system to one based on lifespirit, all living beings and the natural environment that supports all life. Let the oil and the minerals stay underground, and leave the forests alone.

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How to behave as the One in full possession of the form it has assumed, especially after decades of heavily-conditioned habitual behavior? I look no further than the beloved cats for guidance. Cats, pure spirits, totally natural, spontaneous, just go about the business of the moment. Eating when hungry. Drinking when thirsty. Resting when weary. Active when feisty. Communicating when necessary. The moves are smooth, graceful, spontaneous.

How to be the human equivalent of a cat or any other species of animal other than conditioned-human persuasion? What's my next move, my next word? Issuing from thoughts, but when thought-domination is in abeyance, then what is said and done?

The best I can do at the moment is to be as much in the moment as possible, i.e. be spontaneous, letting the acts and words come as they may from the depths of my being, my true self. To let go and be a pure spirit, a bipedal animal, as welcome as any animal, as therapeutic as a cat or a dog. The role of the unconditioned human being is to be a friend to all beings, especially human beings, especially conditioned--suffering--human beings. To be Man's Best Friend. Woof! Meow. Purrrpurrrpurrrrrr.

Nuts to the time-stamps. It's always Now, and Here, and the One. Timelessness. Won't tell time anymore, for now.

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Nov. 17, 2005. The temptation to subscribe to an "ism" whether it be shamanism, Buddhism, Hinduism, Judaism, Catholicism, is pretty widespread and pretty compelling. Some people of the guru persuasion even go so far as to say that we should pick an "ism" and take it as far and as deep as we can, and not be a dilettante or an amateur about matters of spirit.

As much as I'm attracted to shamanism and Buddhism and mysticism and so on I get to the point where I say whoa Nellie, hold the phone, boxes are boxes no matter how fascinating they look.

At the moment I toy with the idea of a Church of Nonduality, where people come together and hang out, drinking coffee, talking, maybe chewing a few Salvia leaves in a comfy room. It tickles me to think about what a nonduality prayer would look like, no-one praying to nothing, or divinity praying to divinity, same difference. It's so tempting to have an other to look up to, to worship, to pray to, to love, to hate, to praise, to blame. It's all me, they're all me, we're all it, it is it. That's it.

So I suffer in heretical silence, a beautiful deluxe hot dog: "one with everything." No-one can help me, no-one can hurt me, anyone can be me, i.e., that which we all are, cosmic energy, cosmic awareness.

Hmm. That old racist Canadian doctor R. M. Bucke in his quaint book "Cosmic Consciousness." If not me, then who/if not now, then when? Who is qualified to become cosmically conscious? Who is entitled? Who deserves it? Who is Worthy?

We are all worthy, dammit, we're all it, cosmic energy, cosmic awareness. We're just so fookin' distracted. Call the Distractors Satan, playing into our monkey urge to be stimulated by sight, sound, thoughts, sensations...until people take those goddamn white wires out of their ears and stop being hypnotized by flickering screens for once. The future is here, and it ain't pretty. The planet is trashed and burning while we seek stimulation.

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So easy for me to find fault, to be 'the critic' of society, of human foibles. It doesn't do me any good to have dim views. The 3rd Chinese Patriarch warned against 'holding views.' What a wise guy. So I stop holding views and take care of business in a gentle, introspective, considerate manner. No-one cares about what views anyone holds. Views, opinions, like talk, are cheap.

That's the problem with writing--it's only possible to write about what CAN be written about, and opinions and words are synergistic, words fueling opinion and vice-versa.

What REALLY interests me is the One who is writing, the One who is moving these finger muscles and the One who is watching these words appear on the screen. This Awareness, this Energy. What IS this?

Kaboom! there is only One writer in the universe. Only one. The One and Only. Does it make the NY Times Bestseller List? Yes. Does it form letters of the alphabet, or ideograms, wherever they are formed, by every hand humble and proud? Yes. It's the same One.

What is so difficult about this to understand? Oh, forgot, distracted. I forget that in this ever-changing form there were the Dark Ages, woeful miserable distracted ignorance, materialism, totally suffering deludedness. When I took a separate self very seriously, a case of mistaken identity to be sure. Alienated in the extreme.

The way is clear, open, here, now. Whenever we want it, whenever we're ready for it. I want it, I'm ready for it. Now THIS is what I call some fiiiiiine Self-indulgence!

There is writing. There is reading. There is working. There is living. There is loving. There is being. There is awareness. The One does all, is all.

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Nov. 16, 2005. Last night went upstairs to the Salvia Room, lit the candles, drummed, and ate several leaves that looked a bit old and tired on the plants. Stood before the plants, nibbling, relaxing, and letting go. The Salvia did what it does well for me, getting me back to the lifeforce, in synch with the chi. Doing tai chi type moves. The leaves glowed with life, and when I saw my reflection in the window, so did I. A being of light, a being of energy. This is what we are, at the core, nothing but energy.

We have to be careful what we call ourselves, what we think ourselves to be, how we identify ourselves. For some reason my life has taken me to this point of ineffable sublimity. My guardian angel, everyone's guardian angel, is their true nature, the being of light and energy.

The cynical forces of conditioned deluded beings discounts, devalues, things of spirit, dismissing them as "New Age" folderol. Such beings have not yet seen the energy field surrounding them, have not yet gotten the message from the Earth that all ground is sacred, all life is sacred. Those who would desecrate the earth, those who would desecrate the body, those who would desecrate their lives and their relationships with other beings, have yet to encounter the spirit of the universe dwelling in all things, the very essence of all existence and awareness, the One.

So the rest of the days in this form I have assumed will be working with the energy, and remembering what we really are, and being that. Having, sharing, living, expressing, and spreading this ineffable understanding in daily life.

What's a being of light to do?

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Choosing to live in one place for the sake of living in one place, being place-centered rather than career-centered, is a decision that has helped me get to a place, a space, a headplace, a headspace, that is the fulfillment of my longest, deepest hopes. Not having to commute by car in itself has been a great blessing. To be able to walk everywhere I need to go has gotten my feet back on the ground. Sacred ground. Sacred feet. Sacred feat.

As someone who happens to be of European descent, born and raised in urban-industrial society, I've strayed from the path such a person would be expected to follow. Somewhere along the lines I've become voluntary or involuntarily indigenous. The spirit of the Earth got me good, at various times in childhood, adolescence, and adulthood. Now as I grow ever nearer to returning corporeally to the Earth--the earth, air, fire, water, and spirit of this form slipping back into nature, the dewdrop slipping back into the shining sea of energy--my relationship with the Earth, with Spirit, with Sunlight, with Water, with Sky, with all that lives--is deeper, more meaningful by the day.

These changes happen on their own accord, at their own pace. The inner growth, the deeper understanding, happen silently, invisibly, until one finds himself a completely different person. Blooming where I'm planted, becoming something that has always been deep within me, but could never see before the blooming.

The brief excursions into core shamanism were perhaps premature, or perhaps they planted seeds in me, or perhaps they quickened the sprouting of seeds that were already in me. At this point in my life, I've come to realize that what matters most is nature and spirit, and for that I am deeply grateful.

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I can appreciate why some people are attracted to Buddhism. It's scientific. It's experiential. It's practical. It gets right to the nut: suffering, the cause of suffering, the end of suffering, the path to insight. And then the delightful life as a no-self being of pure unadulterated buddha-nature.

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Nov. 15, 2005, full moon. Been in touch with a relative whose husband left her. My father used to tell me, even when I was a child, "your mind can make you ill." He knew the truth of that statement from firsthand experience. My relative is as old as my father was when he had his 'nervous breakdown.' The karma of strong ego, busy mind, out-of-control thoughts and mistaken notions. I know that well. So I remember Gautama Buddha's words: "All that is, is the result of thought, it is founded on thought, it is made of thought. If a man speaks or acts with an evil thought, pain follows him, as the wheel follows the foot of the ox that draws the carriage. All that is, is the result of thought, it is founded on thought, it is made of thought. If a man speaks or acts with a pure thought, happiness follows him, like a shadow that never leaves him."

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Introspection is therapeutic because it is simply 'looking inward' to see what's there, no more, no less. Introversion is often unhealthy because it ruminates on the delusions within without being objective about them, taking them seriously, identifying with them, engrossed in them. The whole experience is one of inner turmoil, murkiness that doesn't see itself clearly.

Introspection is clarity, a free, supple attention that can be directed anywhere, within, without. There is no opposite of introspection, there is no 'extrospection' or 'extrospective' person in common usage.

How good it is to be aware, alert, introspective, silent, responding from the depth of one's true self, letting the true self in its unfathomable clarity and peace be fully in control, living this life which is its, after all, the universe.

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Nov. 14, 2005. Unusually warm and sunny weekend for mid-November. Went for long walks Saturday and Sunday. There is nothing quite like spending hours outdoors, alone, under the sky, to melt away the little 'I' and walk eye to eye with the Big I.

Walking through a muddy field on my way back to the abandoned rail right-of-way a lady taking her young horse for a walk greeted me. We chatted for a few minutes, and the horse, named Shalom, nuzzled my ear as I praised him. He's like a big cat who eats grass full-time, a beautiful animal. The lady Nancy and I parted ways and I found my way home, tired and happy. Long walks are magical.

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It's all about headspace. Headspace makes all the difference. With the proper headspace life is magical, and needs are few and easily met.

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Last night I spent some time in the Salvia Room drumming, playing instruments, and just sitting, with Furbananda on my lap, in purring ecstasy. The presence of the lush Salvia plants, and the presence of a delightful affectionate cat, conspired to remind me of how good pure Presence is to be in, to love lifeforce in all its forms, it's so beauiful. I pinched off a pair of new leaves at the top of the very robust plant nearest the window and nibbled them, symbolically, although the time spent in the room by the light of several candles only was a time of healing and remembrance and awareness of awareness, awareness of lifeforce. Tai chi moves, sitting in completeness. Making music was a joy.

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Activity, expression, pursuit, creating...to get into the headspace of peace and fulfillment. That place of spiritual beauty, spiritual meaning, spiritual illumination, spiritual freedom. It really doesn't take much to get to that place, that headspace. In fact, just to remember the "I AM" and that One who IS the I AM wherever I AM appears is to be in the supreme headspace.

Nisargadatta and his guru were spot-on: meditation on I AM gets you right there. Right here. Right now.

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Introspection is a good thing. Being introspective is a blessing. I think the reason I understand what I understand so well is due to being an introspective person. An introspective child/adolescent/adult. Looking within, seeking within, and finding within. It's very okay to be quiet, and reticent, and alert, shy even. I think that's what endeared me to my teachers in public school, I was such a good, quiet, thoughtful boy. Introspective.

Being introspective doesn't preclude being extroverted when the situation calls for action and expression. It's a big pet peeve of mine to see so many otherwise intelligent, introspective people shut off from normal communication because they're wearing headphones and listening to something more important or more entertaining than real life and other living beings. Just to acknowledge the Presence of each other via smile, eye contact, Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening is a significant, important expression that demands being conscientiously extroverted. Failure to acknowledge the Other is, in my book, a cardinal sin of omission. To make a point of acknowledging the Presence of the other is an act of the highest virtue.

Introversion, though, has a dubious reputation. Introversion is often equated with incipient mental illness: those who brood, those who contemplate dark things, violent things, suicidal things...the bottled-up frustrated loners who explode in rampages of vicious extroversion, unable to tolerate the accumulation of vile rancid thoughts and negative emotions.

To be able to distinguish introspection from introversion is a good thing. That way, we can be as introspective as we need to be, any time, and not feel compelled to act out, or blurt out, or otherwise do things we'd regret later.

The Witness, The Presence, is the quintessence of cosmic introspectiveness, the culmination and union of the individual's introspectiveness with the Self's innate introspectiveness, which are understood to be one and the same Awareness.

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The tree of life is a great metaphor, a factual, scientific metaphor. I see people who are buds just turning into leaf; flowers; fruits; seeds; leaves falling off the tree to nourish the tree and become tree and all its leafing, flowering, fruiting and seeding. Too bad more people don't see the tree of life and live for the tree, as the tree. At least more should return to the earth in easily biodegradable nontoxic condition, the 'natural burial' that's slowly gaining favor over the traditional postponement of recycling the dead leaf/body by aggressive embalming, entombing, hermetically-sealing.

O the young leaves, fruits and flowers. The sap still flows in abundance in this old leaf. The sap is the tree's sap, can't help it.

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Another elusive quality of being that may have contributed to this charmed life is that of good faith--not faith per se, but good faith. To live with total trust and confidence in life, in people, in society. To believe implicitly in the rightness of things and people. To live in good faith--to interact with everything and everyone in good faith. To have a naive, positive, wholesome attitude and approach.

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Innocence lost, and innocence restored. Who could refuse a wholesome, innocent child? Is wholesomeness and innocence recoverable?

The source of wholesomeness and innocence is the Whole, the Self, the Real, which is in essence benignly indifferent, absolutely without guile, without malice, innocent. Finding myself to be in fact the Self, I am once again hopelessly wholesome, indescribably innocent. That's just how I really am. Babies are children are not too badly conditioned, and manifest the goodness of the Self for a while, until the mind-dominant culture alienates the individual from his source, his true nature, his real identity.

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Nov. 11, 2005. Might as well put the date on these entries and time-stamp the Eternal Now.

For most of my adult life I confess to feeling undeserving of the comforts and privileges into which I was born, not that I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth--more like a stainless steel fork.

Increasingly, it's clear to me that most of the world's human population doesn't have a pot to piss in, and are really really hurting.

If not extreme poverty with hunger and total material wretchedness, the majority of people live lives of quiet, or not-so-quiet, desperation--the 2nd-Worlders, who are desperately poor, not quite starvation level, but quite impoverished.

Having failed to take my Affluenza shot, I'm the worst kind of poor: working poor, trying to get out of self-generated debt, taking for granted a way of life that is unaffordable and unsustainable. Improvident, months and years of We'll-Worry-About-It-Later. Later has arrived, and I am worried.

At least I'm aware that I'm worried. Maybe I can channel worry into something useful.

In the meantime I'm right there with all the Have-Nots. I feel your pain, if not your hunger.

Rich monkeys want to keep it all, and get more. Poor monkeys want enough to survive. Alpha monkeys and beta monkeys--so many, so many...and on this Veteran's Day, reading the recollections of veterans in the newspaper, they all say, in so many words, War is Hell, and War is Stupid...leaders misleading the followers, and life devalued, desecrated, them vs. us, kill maim torture, conquer, eliminate. Who will survive? Who deserves to survive?

Getting up at 4 a.m. worrying about personal finances is a rotten way to start the day. With time, patience, sacrifice, things will get better. Right now they couldn't get much worse, although I know what IS far worse: catastrophic illness, serious injury, natural disaster, sudden death. Existence is suffering. Extremely.

Where's my cosmic philosophy now?

Bing! Right here, right now, what has assumed this human form, what is playing out this banal karma?

I feel like the Starship Enterprise with shields about to fail with the next incoming phaser blast. So what. I'm the Living Cadaver, the Skeleton Man, why should I care about anything? In this body, there is not a single cell, not a single strand of DNA, not a single molecule, particle, fiber, wave of me that gives a flying fook about anything, because THERE'S NO-ONE THERE. NO-ONE HERE. NO-ONE ANYWHERE and NO-ONE EVERYWHERE.

The Pragmatic Animal, the Honest Animal. When I'm thirsty, I must find water. When I'm hungry, I must find food. When I'm cold, I must find warmth and shelter. Give me these things that any animal needs, and I will be okay. I am proud to be an animal. Animals have simple needs, few needs, and only wish to survive, to live out the days allotted to the animal form. The real needs are so very few, so very simple. If everyone was as content as the animal, Earth would still be unspoiled. Now that the humble Chinese people are forsaking bicycles for automobiles, our planet's doom is sealed.

Amazing how no-one sees it coming--Earth allowing one species of cunning ape to overpopulate its surface, allowing this species to self-destruct. Billions becoming consumers. Breed and consume more than you need, take it to the limit.

Sleep deprivation really muddles the head. Half-remembered scenes from childhood on up, sometimes full-blown daydreams. The moment profoundly surreal. Good time to cry out to the Great Spirit, putting this life in its hands. Good time to say goodbye to the personal life, to the old me, to any me. It's my esoteric profession to be NO-ONE, for the sake of all sentient beings, including this one known as Bill.

..........................

Inspiration from Cadavers and Impoverishment
Will always remember the flayed skinless cadavers of Body Worlds exhibit, how it taught how slender, how supple, how elegant, the core human form. All the systems working in unison, all cells of organism living and dying as one, for one. Feeling this flesh, these bones, the moist electric animal. Just an animal, adapting to survive.

I praise animals, I adore animals, because they are pure spirits, no self, no ego, just pure living beings. Seeing the cadavers, being reminded of the fact that I too am an animal, is liberating--the body is an animal, the body is a pure spirit, no self, no ego. It's only the superimposed superstructure of mental conditioning that sullies the purity of the pure animal we are. Once we are no longer in the grip of thoughts, of mental conditioning, we are pure spirits again, free again, animals again. We were born as pure spirits, as animals, and we will be as dead as any dead animal. Through the span of life, we pick up mental conditioning and are more or less enslaved by thoughts, acquired from others; enslaved by conditioning, performed by others who are themselves enslaved by conditioning. So the spiritual slavery, the mental conditioning, is passed on from animal to animal.

At any time, anyone, in any circumstance, can resume the condition of pure being, of pure spirit, if they are willing and able to do so, if they want to badly enough. It's all about spiritual freedom--people can't control circumstances, or other people, much at all--but people can be spiritually free, in this moment, if they want it badly enough, and are willing to break free of the grip of thoughts, of conditioning.

Accepting the state of relative impoverishment, of perpetual debt. As long as I can provide the essentials for my spouse and my furry children and myself, that's the main thing. Keep the clean water running. Keep food stocked in the pantry. Keep the house warm enough to be comfortable. Shoes and clothing sufficient for all weather. Medicines if needed. Basic telecommunications for safety and security purposes--the cell phones are lifelines, extremely useful in the context of the Buddy System, which is what marriage, family, community is at heart. Mutual assistance, mutual protection. We are not alone. Together we can survive well, better than we can alone. Society takes care of its own. At least societies based on love, on spiritual values do. So the tools to stay in touch for those times when help is needed. Home phones for 911, for family emergencies, to keep up with family sagas near and far.

Cell phones, landline phones are not inexpensive, and are out of reach of those poorer than me. The Internet is a luxury, still, although life without Internet access would feel deprived.

My creditors are not happy with me, but in deconstructing the creditors there is no-one who is personally concerned with late or non-payments--we have not borrowed from individuals, but from institutions. The people who call and write for money are just doing their job, they don't care if we pay them or not.

I will pay them as I can, and hope to eventually pay them all off, with the exception of house mortgage, which will be paid off only if I live to be 75 years old. If I can see the day before then when the only outstanding debt is the mortgage, that will be good enough. In fact, if we can marshall our yearly tax-refund windfall and use it wisely to satisfy all the creditors even without paying them off completely--to be caught up and actually ahead--that will be good enough for me. Never again will I fall prey to consumerist weakness, even though I daydream of digital pianos and large refractor telescopes. No. No. What I have is more than enough, and just to be able to pay the perpetual utility, food, fuel, insurance, telecommunication bills will be plenty good enough for me.

The recurrent prolonged agonizing over insufficient funds has become unbearable to the point where I had to do something to break the cycle of psychological suffering. The breakthrough came from the cats: they lack for nothing, they need nothing, they know how to survive, what's essential. All they need is water, food, shelter. They grow their own clothing, and have no need for shoes. Their means of transportation is also homegrown. I need not worry. I will get what I need from the same source which provides for the animals. Just survive, adapt to survive, do what it takes to survive. I am adapting, psychologically, so that I will survive, and survive untroubled, as my cats so brilliantly exemplify. We're just simple animals, beautiful beings all. They're all mine, I'm all theirs, we're all one. Purring together, surviving together, enjoying our survival.

*

There comes a time when it's necessary to come out and say what one really wants to say, to whomever will listen, to whomever would understand. Kind of a primal scream, a howl, a baying, from the core of one's being, bringing it all upward and outward, turning oneself inside out.

What one finds in oneself, is so wonderful. Knowing that it's findable in every person is wonderful. To be this thing that one has found within, is wonderful.

For lack of a better word, it's spirit. To be a being of spirit, all spirit. Quantum physics agrees, we are all energy, interchanging constantly. No reason not to call the energy of life 'spirit.'

To live as a being of energy, of light, of spirit, is wonderful. To see spirit, to feel spirit, to be spirit. Beings of light we are, of the one light.

*

Soybeans and Salvia
How could it be that a legume called soya could exist--inedible raw, taking a long time to cook, or cunning to know how to ferment, or make into milk and tofu--and able to provide all the protein a human being requires. I'm surrounded by soybean fields, and the golden beans flow by the countless tons into silos, until they go to the soybean oil, soybean meal, processing plants far away. Too bad these noble beans go to livestock rather than to more humans--humans would benefit from eating these beans, which are inexpensive and health-promoting, rather than eating livestock: a miserable, cruel, bioethically-bankrupt way of life, an unhealthy and ultimately unsustainable way to sustain human civilization.
It took hours to cook the beans, but they're tender now, and I have a week's worth of protein in the freezer now, cruelty-free. And the fiber! I must be getting old when I rejoice over effortless, complete, gut-emptying shitting.

How could it be that a plant called Salvia divinorum could exist--not much of a food crop, bitter in fact, taking a special advanced knowledge to get the motivation to consume such a bitter plant. It takes a certain amount of wisdom and life experience to be willing to undergo the changes Salvia induces in the human being. When an individual has tired of the ignorance of his own people, of his own ignorance too, it's time to open up to the wisdom of nature as revealed by chewing the leaves of the Salvia divinorum plant.

That nature provides so abundantly, meeting all our needs, so great and benign a being, no wonder humans haven't been able to resist anthropomorphizing her, either as God or Goddess.

Those lovely hours, wandering besaged in the midst of nature, singing little songs of love and praise, so beautiful, so beautiful.

In your loving arms
In your loving arms
I live forever

*

O the Wonder of Google, and of cut-and-paste:

Artist: Song Of The South Lyrics
Song: Evrybody Has A Laughing Place Lyrics

hee hee ha ha hee hee hoo hoo

Boy are we in luck!
We're visiting a laughing place
Hee hee hoo ha hoo hoo
Everybody's got a laughing place
A laughing place to go
Take a frown, turn it upside down
And you'll find yours we know
Honey and rainbows on our way
Where everyone is worth his weight
Boy are we in luck
We're visiting a laughing place
Everybody's got a laughing place
A laughing place to go
Take a smile and for a while
You'll find yours we know
Honey and rainbows on our way
Take that frown, turn it upside down
And soon you'll find you're here to stay
Everybody's got a laughing place to go
Come on in, give us all a grin
And you'll find yours I know
Laughing has always been our game
Honey fun is what we bring
Boy are we in luck
We're visiting a laughing place
Everybody's got a laughing place
A laughing place to go
We've found one thats filled with fun
And you'll find yours we know
Everybody's got a laughing place
A laughing place to go
Take a frown, turn it upside down
And you'll find yours we say we think

*

Laughing Place People
There's an old Walt Disney movie "Song of the South" that has the song "Evrybody Has A Laughing Place"--forget the lyrics but remember the gist, which is to be in that place where humor abides, where there's a hair-trigger on the load of explosive laughter. I remember so clearly my childhood laughing place, and the people who were also in it. Those special classmates, friends, relatives who catalyzed the zany absurdity, total comic freedom, no limits, no restrictions, the wilder the better.

As a mature adult I find few people to share the laughing place, but when they're found, it makes all the difference. Today, this morning, I was feeling rather depressed, serious, and this afternoon ran into two people at work who were laughing place people. They brought the laughs out of me, and I brought the laughs out of them. And I feel soooooooooo much better now.

That's a path with heart, an avenue worth exploring--the fool, the clown, the jester, the comic, the wiseacre. Not only do I benefit from repeated contact with the laughing place, but I help to promote, restore, the laughing place in the noosphere local and, eventually, distant.

Television has been good lately, with "Arrested Development" and "The Daily Show" being sources of many very good laughs. And on the Internet, with "The Onion." The people involved with realizing these shows are doing a great service, they're certified Laughing Place People too.

That cool, wry, detached, receptive, wide-open, alert headspace, taking in the ongoing sight gag that is the universe. It takes work to clean up the head enough to be in such a headspace, but headspace is EVERYTHING. The laughing place headspace is primo.

*

To feel burdened by debts, feeling the 'Middle Class Squeeze', is a variant of "Affluenza"--life becoming far more complicated and expensive than it really needs to be. I will not be cast into debtor's prison, or be maimed by a rep from Visa, but I can be tortured by my own worry. In fact, I feel now qualified to confirm that worry--stress--can kill, maiming heart muscle and the lining of arteries, and certainly being a psychological prison, psychological self-torture.

Radical voluntary simplicity--I can almost taste it. If I was single, I could easily pull it off. I've made a lifetime commitment to this other living breathing human being, and I must take into consideration her needs--and attachments.

It's really getting to be time to have a heart-to-heart talk with Salvia and get some guidance, and strength, and perspective on the situation. I should not feel so anxious, I should not be living a life of 'quiet desperation' as has been the case lately.

Maybe it's time for me to acknowledge an attachment to unrealistic goals, such as that of being completely debt-free in this lifetime.

*

Overcoming aversion to politics and personalities, remembering that love does indeed conquer all. Even the Institutional Drearies. The dreariest institution in my experience has requested my presence at a voluntary meeting tomorrow at lunch. There may be politics and personalities in abundance, in the context of the dreariest of spaces. I have decided to attend, only after I managed to get my mind right and remember that love conquers all. And that if I don't dwell in Presence, who will...I will bring Presence to the table, if nothing else. Presence, and that all-embracing love and acceptance that is the hallmark of Presence. The gnarliest of bureaucrats, the most insufferable of self-important administrators, will not be excluded from unstoppable radiant Presence. The Presence will awaken long-dormant stirrings within them, and they will lock the doors of the conference room, and they will remove all of their clothing and melt into oneness in a metasexual group hug. Or at least be a bit more relaxed, natural, and candid in their clothing.

*

Two Questions
1. Who am I?
2. Am I spiritually free in this moment?

*

Game Over
The roles people identify with makes life on this planet a global Role-Playing Game, the ultimate RPG. Perhaps throughout the universe people on different planets are playing out their own RPGs as well.

A person dabbling in nonduality can take a person out of the game, though, at least for a while. When the state of no-self no-role is realized and stabilized, the person can then re-enter the ongoing RPG, playing any role, but not identifying with any of them, not taking any of them seriously. The nondualistic person sees people not as their roles, but as their true Self, the pure being behind every awareness. The opportunities of Self to commune with Self even when Self is wearing a disguise just can't be passed up just because the Self wears disguises so cunning that they fool even the wearer into thinking he is the disguise.

Multiple-Personality Disorder
The human population suffers from widespread Multiple-Personality Disorder (MPD). From moment to moment people manifest the spirits of their ancestors, or the spirits of their peers, or the spirits of television programs, by whatever the impressionable mind has been impressed.

There are the occasional persons who have grown weary of hosting restive spirits, and just want to be one stable spirit, comfortable in the skin. Fortunately, there is one stable spirit who is in all skin, and whose very nature is to be comfortable.

*

Old Clothes
This morning, in something of a rush to find clothes to wear to work, I grabbed one of my favorite shirts and favorite pants and noticed the collar and cuffs were starting to get threadbare. The pants had a small hole that Jean sewed together, and the pants were also getting threadbare. So there I stood, clad in old threadbare clothes, pulling on shoes on the verge of falling apart, donning a slightly torn jacket that has a black paperclip that replaced a lost zipper handle. In short, I was not dressed as a high-roller, not as a mover or a shaker. If I was a high rolling mover shaker I would not wear these clothes to work, I would dress for success, dress to impress, dress to feel confident, competent, successful. I would put lots of money into wardrobe and grooming, and have a nice house and a nice car. Instead, all that I own is old, worn, scratched, dented, used.

When I have been taken over by the Impressor, the clothes embarrass me.
When I have been taken over by the Old Hippie, the clothes flatter me.
When I am no-one, playing no role, when I am awareness with nothing but the Self as me, the clothes keep me warm. I feel the comfort of the cotton fibers, the protection and support of the shoes.

People really are playing roles, possessed by various selves/spirits/identities. They must speak/dress/act according to role, a role fully identified with, a role taken very seriously. The role is inherited, acquired, and seems to perpetuate itself.

What interests me now is who is behind awareness, who is the awareness, where am "I" coming from.
The object of my interest is not far from me, it's closer to me than me.
All I can do is just let go and be it, seeing through these eyes, writing with these fingers, speaking through this voice, listening through these ears.

Nisarga yoga, jnana yoga. Those who know they are the Self, live daily life as the Self. A wonderful state of being, a wonderful state of mind, a wonderful reality, all beings can enjoy this, if only they know they are the Self, and live the rest of their days as the Self. When old age, illness, injury, loss, death come, as they must, the beings who know they are the Self meet them with acceptance and good humor, as the Self is birthless and deathless, universal and eternal, assuming every brief form that comes and goes. Nothing can change or take away the Self.

*

It isn't such a bad thing to call this living universal Presence the "Divine Presence." This is a way of making it clear that this Presence is to be respected, accepted, followed, even though it is, strangely and wonderfully enough, our own presence. Wrapped in the Divine Presence that is everywhere, always, it's always possible, anywhere, to surrender to it, to find refuge in it. To think, speak, and act from the Divine Presence, as the Divine Presence, is a pretty slick way to be, to take whatever time is left in this human form that the Divine Presence has temporarily assumed and just be Divine Presence, and think, speak, and act accordingly.

Whatever circumstances one happens to be in, it's possible to live it out, live it through, see it through to the end, as Divine Presence. No situation is ideal, no one gets away easily, but if one has realized the Divine Presence, the destination is reached, in the eternal now.

Truly it is no longer the name, the form, the person, the small self, the limited identity, that lives out the life, but the Divine Presence. This quantum shift is done without fanfare, in silence, the only clues to the transformation being the outflow of joy, peace, and lovingkindness in all circumstances.

*

No matter what I say, or don't say; no matter what I do, or don't do; no matter what I think, or don't think; changes what I really am. There is either realization of the real self--the Self--or there isn't. Even without self-realization, the Self remains the Self. But to not realize the Self as oneself is to be subject to all manner of suffering. To be filled with delusions, desires, fears, attachments, to have a mistaken identity, to take one's role in society seriously, to identify with name and form, is to set oneself up for major protracted suffering.

In this moment the Self abides. Be the Self, and be beyond all suffering, birth and death. This is what we are.

The I AM, wherever it is, is the same I AM, the I AM of the Self, universal, deathless, birthless. The forms the Self has assumed are temporary, yet all forms are the Self, filled with nothing but the Self. The Self see through every eye, feels through all skin, hears through every ear, speaks through every voice.

Ordinary life is the life of the Self. Ordinary awareness is the Self's awareness. This mind is the universe's mind, totally impersonal.

The drama of duality unfolds as it must, those forms ignorant of the fact that Self abides as all selves mistreating each other badly, creating all manner of misery for each other.

The big inequity of dualistic life on earth is the existence of widespread poverty side-by-side with great affluence. The challenge at hand is to reduce the world's population by birth control, move people away from non-arable and dangerous places, and establish societies worldwide that are uniformly blessed with clean water, sanitation, balanced nutrition, adequate shelter, clothing, education, and medical care. The existence of have-too-muches and have-nots need not be a permanent state of affairs. It's possible to equalize the wealth of the world so that everyone has enough to live a healthy, wholesome life, a life conducive to Self-realization, a sustainable, meaningful way of life. The current civilization is in the process of collapse, and the replacement civilization can be created to be sustainable and equitable.

*

I like to write so much that it borders on clinical hypergraphia, for which medications exist to treat it. I'll continue to write what's writeable, because I just plain like to write. Embroidering on the living truth, making complex what is simple, perhaps, but writing regularly is therapeutic, keeps the writing muscles toned.

Walking to work, thoughts aflutter, until I deliberately ask myself, Who Am I? Who is this which is aware? and the ever-present universal awareness settles in, clear and real. What a luxury that human beings, hairless apes that we are, can, if they are so inclined, be aware of awareness, and marvel at this awareness, this universal awareness, that just is. Just to be this being, just to be the awareness, so simple, so real, so liberating. It's no longer me, or about me. The trappings of individuality persist, just as the form persists, temporarily. "I have assumed this temporary human form."

So this natural pure constant self-existent universal eternal Being and Awareness is the grand prize. What now?

That's easy, continue to live, work, play, do what monkeys do in their society, and enjoy the communion and community of monkeys and living things. To be joyful, to be peaceful, to be kind, to express that thing we all are.

*

November has been an especially magical month over the years, particularly early November. Synchronicities abound, dreams, visions presaging events. Yesterday morning dreamed of a harpsichord, but it was being played like a violion, with a bow against the strings somehow. The music was rich and beautiful nonetheless. Okay, nice dream.

Today a mensch I've known for years dropped by the office to tell me he and his wife were in the process of 'slimming down' their house in preparation for a move to an apartment, and he would like to give me their harpsichord.

This is one of those Novembers.

*

As a teenager I crossed paths with spiritualists and psychics, both religious and professional varieties of each. One minister of the Spiritualist Church, in a trance, advised me to "do your own thinking." What excellent advice indeed! A very flamboyant professional psychic who my mother urged me to see--as I was a worrisome youth--told me he saw a "double star of destiny." Wow, a double star. A single would be fine, thanks, but a double? Whatever that means. Must be good. Hope it's good. He did pick up that I had "Eastern teachers." May have been the shaved head I had at the time.

At any rate, I've been doing what I think is my own thinking, and growing into a destiny that isn't very easy to describe. How can you say anything about universal awareness to anyone? That this very awareness is the universal awareness? That the hackneyed pursuit of "finding yourself" is beside the point, but "finding the Self" is an unbearably blindingly intense annihilation of all that is delusional, and resumption of life as the Self in the temporary human form it has assumed? That the most wonderful things are simple things, loving things, living things, like walking outdoors, or communicating in real-time with flesh-and-blood-and-spirit beings such as people and animals? That a lapful of purring cats in the peace and quiet of home is total fulfillment? That's my destiny is not a double-star but all the galaxies and all the emptiness and all the energy flowing forever in emptiness?

Have experienced multiple personalities, each grandparent, each parent, by turns...maybe the uneasiness of the mix, the sheer incongruity of personality types, drove me to find that elusive person known as the 'real me.' The miserable madness of being an 'unreal me', being at the mercy of thoughts, notions and emotions, identifying with them, has driven me to stop at nothing short of the true self.

Looking for the real me has brought me to the real me, here all along, that good mellow person shadowing those other anguished persons over the decades. The true self, the Self, is everyone's "Guardian Angel." A sweet angel indeed. Always in charge, waiting in abeyance, silently, patiently, to reclaim himself, redeem himself, salvage himself, after prolonged periods of suffering the stresses of delusional thinking of delusional self.

*

If everyone was totally in control by the universal I, what a grand reunion that would be, a nonstop reunion.

Parts of the universe are flying apart, and parts are coming together. Eventually all parts of the universe come together. The universe gathers itself as it can, as it will.

*

For a long time took musicmaking very personally seriously. It was reaffirmation of the presence of Talent, inherited from musical ancestors. I should do something with this Talent, study, become a professional. Get better and better, faster and faster. Don't waste the Talent.

Becoming a professional musician makes as much sense as becoming a professional poet, a professional contemplative, a professional meditator. What it is in music that I've ultimately come to value is the Place from which the music comes, for when the music comes from that Place, it's not the music that matters but being in that Place. That Place is spiritual freedom, spiritual beauty. Music helps to realize spiritual freedom, spiritual beauty, but true spiritual freedom and true spiritual beauty does not depend on any outside stimulus, does not depend on anything at all. The beauty, the freedom, is found in the ground of being itself, the spirit, which is eternally present in the eternal now.

To hear music from that Place...to quietly sing a few notes from that Place...it doesn't take much to be in that Place. Being in that Place is what matters. IPods go to many places, not necessary that Place.

*

The perfect expression of the true self may be sitting in silence, and it may also be going about one's business, spontaneously doing what has to be done, the Self doing all the work. Another perfect expression that transcends all barriers of language and technical limitations is the Hug. Hugging a trusted and trusting cat is the way I communicate to him that I consider him part of me, which he is, and at times he'll wrap himself around my head to let me know I'm part of him too. I could always use a hug, and I pass people who sure look like they could use a hug too. I miss the days on the spiritual commune when everyone greeted each other with at least smiles and bright full eye contact when passing on the way, if not stopping for hugs too.

*

Emptiness, transparency, no-thingness, no-selfness, is ageless, timeless, beyond birth and death, closer than close in everything.

In this monkey form, deliberately slow, no longer in a hurry. Where is better than here? When is better than now? I am already here, now. I am always here, now. Here, now, is presence, is spirit, is energy, is emptiness. If I'm not complete here, now, I will never be complete.

That first adult experience of being fully in the present, sitting under a tree in the park, totally complete, the ecstasy of being, in the midst of shimmering energy. That was some good Orange Barrel. How lucky could I get.

In those wonderful hours, watching cars on a nearby road zoom by, in a hurry to get somewhere. How crazy is that.

The seat-of-the-pants knowledge imparted directly from the earth, "all ground is sacred."

The uncontrolled mirth. One of my two friends with me on the trip pulled out a pack of cigars, VanDyke "Straight." The picture of VanDyke on the pack, looking very straight indeed, causing me to lose all control every time he appeared. My friend didn't help matters by croaking "straight!" every time he'd pull out the cigar pack from his pocket.

Childhood laughing jags, blessed to have schoolmates and friends who had keen senses of the absurd, who knew how to make me laugh, who let themselves be made to laugh as well, a delightful feedback loop of delirious laughter. In class, delicious laughter.

In class, delicious daydreaming. The spirit of the universe, the sweet peaceful energies, through the ripply glass windows of the old school building.

Laughing and daydreaming and on a nonstop trip now. Can't help it, why fight it, just go with.

*

When I worked night shift as orderly in a big city hospital I took a journal with me and scribbled in it. There was the occasional patient who talked at some length with me, and it was good to have such opportunities to go beyond vital signs and catheter care. One patient, a young man a few years my senior who had an obvious Counterculture appearance, was a thoughtful, open fellow who contributed a verse to my journal, at my request:

"If the universe exists,
Then so might I.
The universe is me
and I am its eye."

Over the decades since I've been so busy making 'personal history' that I forgot to get 'impersonal.' It's like riding a bike, though, once mastered, you never forget how. I first got 'impersonal' when I became technically an independent adult, age 18, and split a certain compound three ways with two close friends.

Now three and a half decades later in the middle of the workday I go about as It, seeing through Its eye. Perfect transparency, perfect emptiness. The same beautiful awareness always here.

I've been looking for that certain something that makes for universal communication, universal meaning, that can transcend all barriers, language barriers, technical barriers...music is a universal language, but what good is that for the deaf people? Meaningful beautiful visual art is useless to the blind people. For people both blind and deaf, for anyone, how to communicate that which is worth communicating, which is universal unconditional love, the recognition of spirit by spirit?

Touch is probably the most universal method to communicate. Few people, few lifeforms, lack touch sensitivity. Through touch it's possible to convey love, acceptance, mutual recognition, even between species. Voice, quality of voice, transcends language barriers--even if the words are not understood, the quality of energy empowering the words is understood. Eye contact with other beings who have the faculty of sight is a powerful method of communicating, facilitating the exchange of energy between beings. Body language, facial expressions reinforce the nonverbal communication.

And then there's energy vibrations, 'vibes.' Vibes are as real as the energy of the universe, which is all vibratory. How we are can't be hidden, it radiates from us as our vibes. Every being is surrounded by a field of unique energy, bearing the energy signature of that being. Our energy fields interpenetrate, and it's not always clear whose energy is whose. Moot point anyway, it's all one, it's all its.

*

What makes individuals individuals, unique, distinguishable, is our energy signature, the quality of the energy that radiates from us, the degree of purity of the energy that we give back to other individuals, to the universe. It is up to the individual, such as he is, to transmute and transform the incoming pure energy in such a way that the outgoing energy is reasonably pure, if not totally pure. The qualities called love, peace, and joy are energy states, qualities of energy, that unblock the flow of energy wherever it goes.

We are all powerful radio transmitters of energy, and sensitive radio receivers of energy. We can rebroadcast what we receive, if we so choose, or transmit original programming, from the pure center of being, pure energy, pure unitive energy.

*

What melds science and religion is the presence of energy. Morality, ethics, spirituality, physics, chemistry, astrophysics, everything in the voidness is energy in form, or formlessness. Energy Morality, Energy Ethics, Energy Spirituality, is based on the intimate connectedness all forms of energy have by their very nature, their shared single identity as energy. To have too much energy, to have too little energy, is unstable, and sooner or later must resolve itself. Sin is blocking the flow of energy; virtue is restoring the flow of energy, and manifesting its unblocked flow.

Lifeforce is energy, lifeforce is awareness. Energy is fully aware of energy.

A spiritual teacher once told me to be respectful of the energy. I knew what he meant, and he knew I knew what he meant. In the present moment, in the field of energy, as crystallizations of energy, patterns of living aware energy, we have an incessant responsibility to keep our energy pure, or rather to let our energy resume its natural purity.

It's liberating to know that what we are is nothing but energy, no separate energy really, it's all shared, flowing, belonging to no-one and to everyone simultaneously. There is no-one but energy, nothing but energy.

The New Age ideal of a civilization populated by beings of light and love and peace is based in reality, the reality of omnipresent, omniscient, omnipotent energy.

Spiritual values includes providing food (energy) to the hungry, and manifesting unconditional love, unconditional acceptance, unconditional forgiveness: unblocking the healing flow of energy within beings with energy-blockages. To do this we must first unblock ourselves, the energy-pattern we happen to be, the node of energy, the wave of energy, that has a name, and a form, for its brief appearance.

The source of every I AM is energy; within that energy, no-one exists. Wherever I AM appears, it is the same being appearing.

*

The primary religious experience is what is important to those who understand what entheogens are all about. There is also the issue of cognitive liberty, and included in such liberty is the primary religious experience. Having experienced firsthand the power of entheogens to effect primary religious experiences, life-changing experiences, I'm very interested in promoting the ceremonial use of entheogens, even if the ceremony is very small and very humble. Indeed, small, humble ceremonies may be the most effective.

I'm also cognizant that entheogens are not necessary for ongoing religious experience. Again, by firsthand experience, I am able to utilize the fundamental essence of this ordinary human life--self-aware sentient existence--to reach a stable, sustainable, nondual awareness that can best be described as emptiness. Mind in its essence is emptiness; Being in its essence is emptiness. In this absence, this voidness, this nothingness, is a wondrous fullness, that reveals all things in this moment to be whole, and pure. This perspective of emptiness only requires fully surrendering the false self and its feverish imaginings.

In emptiness even residual feverish imaginings are allowed to have their transient existence, rising and falling in the great ongoing emptiness of mind, emptiness of true self.

Entheogens have a way of bringing people into the present, into Presence; once there, it's possible to stay there, without entheogenic assistance. I honor the entheogens, as they took me on a road not well traveled that has taken me to the destination of the present, Presence; more people should take such a road. A civilization based on timeless spiritual values, on being whole in the present moment without need of anything beyond the basics, would be a sustainable, joyful, fulfilled civilization.

*

Am enjoying studying the local history, particularly the transportation history, particularly the trains that once criss-crossed Oberlin. There was a time around 100 years ago that Oberlin was connected to other towns via rail, both steam and electric. Passenger trains eventually were doomed by the private automobile, and freight trains by the 18-wheeler semi. One main train right of way is now a paved bike path; another is defunct, overgrown; and two others exist only as long enigmatic earthworks through fields, long tree lines in the middle of nowhere that if not for old maps would be inexplicable.

It's a gut-felt longing to bring back a time when the land was not yet totally desecrated by commercial interests coming in to 'own' the fields and forests and turn them into tacky commercial and residential developments, when there wasn't the incessant, ubiquitous zooming-by of internal-combustion vehicles. The scale, the context, of town life was smaller, slower--the world was larger, and not overexploited. Fewer people, more forests--there were aspects of early 20th century life that I wish were still present in early 21st century.

One of the central recurring themes of my recent series of Salvia journeys starting in 2000 is the primacy of nature, that the natural, organic world wishes to grow, grow back, take back every part of the planet. Just as the ruins of ancient collapsed civilizations have been overtaken by jungle, so too will our cities, by the native flora and fauna. I, in this form, will not live to see this happen, but I, in the form of the web of life, will do what I must do, and take back all those places the proud monkeys and their plastic, metal, concrete and asphalt cages have despoiled. In the meantime I commune with the web of life, in silent unity and understanding. And infinite patience.

*

Haven't consorted with Salvia divinorum very much, other than in symbolic ways that seldom are very strong in a physical sense. It's as if there was a time I needed to be rendered powerless by the plant so that I could better receive the message from this green messenger of nature. Having received the message many times, it's no longer necessary for me to forcibly surrender to it. In fact, with the right mindset and setting--such as standing before the plants, alone, in gratitude for the pure life, pure awareness, pure being, pure spirit, pure energy that Salvia is, and that Salvia delivers to a dense, heavily-conditioned, concept-enslaved monkey such as this form called Bill--a small leaf chewed brings back the pure message of nature in its fullness, and I stand complete, pure, a natural being of light and life and purity again, fully rejoining the Overbeing of all existence.

This is my yoga, and I do it not just to save myself from myself but to do what I can to help others find their way out of the misery of false self and toward the true self, the selfless Self of the universe. In this very moment, for any being, there exists the end of suffering through realizing that the suffering self does not in fact exist--there is only glorious emptiness at the core. Who then is ready for the liberation of emptiness, for the resumption of life as self-less energy, spirit, the eternal Self?

*

The old-timey word for cosmic energy was, and is, Spirit. Nice word, spirit is less scientific, less technical, much warmer, than Energy. Spirit implies an aware energy, a living energy. Why not call it spirit.

Whatever it's called, it's The Stuff; sometimes it's in a captive state, being held prisoner by heavily-conditioned and ignorant beings, filled with fear and desire and attachment; sometimes it's absolutely free, totally open and fully aware, the state of enlightened beings.

Spirit, and things spiritual, are timeless, as spirit is timeless. The spiritual knowledge is gained, and passed on, so that every being of spirit can learn how to be free, and how to transmit the knowledge of spiritual freedom. Spirit is handing down a message to itself, eye to eye, heart to heart, being to being, generation to generation.

To have as many beings as possible live in a state of spiritual freedom is the mission. Suffering is inevitable in this process until there is sufficient insight into That Which Experiences All Things. When the selfless Self is again fully in control of the form it happens to be in, that which was formerly interpreted as suffering ceases to be suffering. Hunger, thirst, cold, illness, injury, old age, death, loss of loved ones and possessions, loss of every thing...the impermanence of form, inevitable, to be accepted gracefully.

That's the spiritual secret passed on to whomever is ready to understand: to understand we are nothing but spirit, one spirit, one universal energy, rising and falling in these forms, with one eternal I, one eternal Eye. Nobody dies, nobody is born, spirit is birthless and deathless. The newborn has a load of karma waiting to be taken on, a whole lot of suffering to work through; the deceased has shucked it all, returned to oneness. If anyone should be mourned, it's the newborn, not the deceased. There should be a spiritual rite of passage celebrated with great joy, when the individual has surrendered all notions of individuality and has realized his true universal Self. It could happen at any age, and when it does, it should be commemorated by throwing a big party, where a good time will be had by all.

It harkens back to a dream I had a while back, where Jesus' disciples laughed when someone mentioned that Jesus was dead; they all understood that what Jesus is, what they are, is one and the same, and never dies. The end of the delusion of separate self is the resumption of eternal life, universal identity.

*

Everything is dancing energy, and everything dancing is energy, part of it all, destined to live forever dancing. The dance is pretty crummy sometimes, in some places, until the dancers get it right. Getting the dance smoother, more fun, more effortless, for everyone, is the way of the eternal dance.

I can feel that Sufi urge now--that strong smooth rich french press coffee, that liberating understanding, free energy wants to dance. The workplace is a dance, making life easier for each other, making the dance smoother, more fun, more sustainable.

It's a passing show, transforming constantly, changing, energy can't be created or destroyed just changed, changed, changed in form. The dance of energy goes on.

A dream of energy, that dreamlike energy, no wonder it's felt like a dream all this time. Nothing to do but be a lucid part of the ongoing dream, listening, responding, participating, identifying with everything and everyone and loving loving loving these dream beings, these energy beings.

*

Everything is energy. The consequences of an action result in a change of energy state. If I cheat on my wife, my energy is encumbered, and the once-stable energy of mutual trust becomes degraded with the unstable negative energies of jealousy and anger. Even though there is no self, only energy, the quality of energy determines the quality of experience, and the quality of the energy/experience can be improved, stabilized, enhanced, when energies are combined in a harmonious way. All the energy of the universe is accessed when the individual surrenders to the universe, allows the universe to become the form, the identity. Once this unity is recognized, there is only one presence, manifesting in many forms. The universe brings itself into harmony, separating and reuniting with itself incessantly. The universe forgets it's the universe, and assumes various identities, and there the saga, soapopera, and suffering begins, only to end when the suffering forms remember what they really are.

*

There is only one way to end suffering, and that is to end the sufferer, i.e., the illusory, non-existent self. Anyone in any circumstance, no matter how wretched, can, if the intent is earnest and single-minded, keep asking 'what is this thing that's suffering?' and get to the blessed no-self Self and put up with anything, as the Self.

Every living being is a leaf on the tree of life. The tree of life brings forth leaf after leaf, each leaf imbued with its life, its awareness, the same life, the same awareness. Each leaf eventually craps out, to fall and fertilize the ongoing tree of life. The crapping-out is not tragic, what's tragic is the leaf not realizing it's the same life and awareness as the tree of life and every other leaf.

The cult of individuality-worship this materialistic civilization is currently practicing is a great tragedy, leaves en masse unaware of what they really are, and instead infatuated with how unique each leaf is, how superior one leaf is, or how inferior other leaves are, how important it is for each leaf to fear death, and hope for an afterlife, or at least to live to be 200 with all your teeth and sex organ function intact, prolonging personal youth at all costs, with nanotechnology perhaps. Each leaf is to believe it is separate, independent, its life is its very own, nevermind the stem that ties it to the twig and the branch and the limb and the trunk and the roots and the water and the air and the sun and the earth and every other leaf and every other being.

*

All the traditional sins--lust, laziness, gluttony, greed, pride, anger, envy--are hallmarks of a dualistic mindset. In the course of any given day I can say I've felt at least one of them, or all of them. The delicious irony is that with a truly nondualistic mindset not only is there no sin, but no sinner, no self, and no judge of oneself or other selves. There are only consequences of actions, actions springing from mindset. The cats could be said to sin, as I've watched them indulge in every one of the Seven Deadlies: lust, the urge to hump; sloth, the 16-hour-a-day sleepathons; gluttony, scarfing down food as if there's no tomorrow; greed, unwillingness to share the morsels in the food bowl with others; pride, maintaining dignity at all costs, even after doing something stupid; anger, hissing and spitting and hassling with fangs bared, claws deployed; envy, or maybe jealousy, looking balefully at siblings hogging up all available lap space. Sin is an abstract concept, with no real existence. There is, ultimately, at the heart of everything, energy--cosmic energy--and at the heart of cosmic energy there is nothing, no-one, nobody. Sin, virtue, good, evil, is nothing but energy flowing, dispersing and accumulating, following the course of its own nature.

If I really believed that a God or even discarnate entities were watching me live this life I'd be deeply ashamed, or at least embarrassed. I don't particularly care for the presence of my dear departed when I'm in the bathroom, toying with body fluids.

Of course I ask myself, why, as Mr.-Nobody-Home, am I playing with my body fluids in the first place? Maybe I still need to confirm that there is nothing and nobody, to remind myself that no matter what I do, no-one is watching, not even me.

There is something around, though, an ethereal field of energy, an electric Presence. There's an immense benignly indifferent intelligence to this Presence, as I perceive it in my own being--Presence experiencing Presence. This is the same Presence I experience so acutely when in the woods and meadow soon after chewing the leaves of Salvia divinorum. The Presence is Nature. True Nature is my true nature.

How good it feels to forgo the restless monkey thoughts and monkeyshines and just be Presence. That's the payoff of so-called virtue, of ceasing to so-called sin: to enjoy being Presence, to tune into Presence, to make Presence be the Great Endless Instant Gratification. Experiencing the consequences of surrendering to Presence is a payoff that feeds itself. Being a Presence-junkie is only natural, and is the best addiction, the ultimate addiction, truly a fatal addiction in that it is the end of the self and the restoration of the unparalleled fate of being genuine universal Presence Energy. There is no end to Presence, impossible to run away from, or run out of, Presence, as it is the stuff of the universe.

*

If it weren't for the persistence of enslaving thoughts I'd have been on a nonstop nonduality bender for decades by now, insteads of the fits and starts and brief flashes. How many years ago was it when, while walking along Lorain Street by Finney Chapel on my way to work did it first occur to me "who's this minding the store all on its own?" The first clear understanding, the first direct experience, of the pure natural fundamental awareness, the self-existent universal intelligence manifesting as 'me.' That was, and is, and always will be, the real deal, and maybe I needed to suffer a bit longer to learn my lesson. Enough is enough. I'm getting long in the tooth, and the only thing that matters to me anymore is to be real, that's all. To be this thing I always naturally am. It's a little embarrassing to think of all the rigamarole I've put myself through to get to this thing that's always here anyway. Truly I've been wandering around, looking for my lost ass upon which I've been riding to try to find my lost ass. All this time I've been that lost ass, and now I've found me. What an ass! At least now I can find my own ass with my own hands.

And I can't talk about it, or write about it, or be a huckster for it. All I can do is just be it. Just let it be it. Let it do it. Let it say it. Trust it, trust in it. In It I Trust.

So I go back to talking about what can be talked about. Such as how good it is to make coffee using the french press method, a heaping coffee measure of any old ground coffee with hot water dumped on it, stirred and steeped for five minutes, then pressed. Never too strong, even with two measures per cup, although I'm feeling great with one measure per cup, three times a day. Yesssss!

And that South Beach Diet is a keeper. Can make it vegan, can make it omnivorous, and it's working. Can function, and I'm not ravenously hungry, and it's curing the obesity epidemic which has infected our household over the years.

Underlying all, is This Presence. Still have to try to talk about it, as dangerous as that might be to merely think about it instead of being it.

*

It is one of the highest points of my day whenever the cats come together to share their life and warmth with mine. It happens in the early morning when they cluster around my head when I return to bed after taking a piss; it happens later in the morning when I'm reading the newspaper and they melt on my lap; it happens during lunch hour when I nap upstairs; it happens when I journey with Salvia and lay on my back. This is reunion of animals, basking in the interpenetrating radiance of pure natural spirit. There is nothing better. Whatever form love takes, is the highest good. Love is the One recognizing itself in other forms.

*

Yesterday, and the day before yesterday, took two long brisk walks, including the loop of Westwood Cemetery. The meditation topic emerged at the cemetery, each time: what would you do if you came back to life? what would you say? how would you feel? how would you be?

And a headstone had a clue: "Love is never wasted."

The power to love comes from our true nature, the true self, which exists as the one true self everywhere, within everyone as the true self. To be the true self is to live again, and to live forever, in all forms.

For us to grieve at our funerals makes as much sense as a living organism grieving whenever its cells die and are reabsorbed by that organism. There are no Loved Ones--there is only the One, which alone loves, and is loved by, itself.

*

I delight in the freedom and spontaneity of the cats. They come and go as they please. They are free beings, content with what they are, where they are, what they do. I have also experienced what it's like to be a free being, just to be, whether moving or still, in whatever position or activity. I understand why zazen is the perfect expression of perfect freedom. To be in the state of pure being. Just to sit is enough. There is no need for certain special conditions to be met in order to be truly free. In this moment the true self is free, just as the cat is content in the same moment. What comes naturally to the cat, human beings must strive toward until the spontaneous freedom of pure being true self in this very moment is realized, and manifested effortlessly.

*

Was browsing through a book of ca. 1930 photographs and was struck by how even in the most homely scenes there was an undeniable charm to the buildings and to the overall level of high technology and affluence, or rather the lack thereof.

I could live very happily in the '30s, and perhaps I'll get my wish as the economy continues to deteriorate.

Simple dwellings, simple way of life, compared to nowadays.

I would forgo computers, televisions, cell phones, every appliance that beeps and is digital.

Charm in life. Slowness. Simplicity. Frugality. Retro.

The beeping digital spasticity of this energy-drunk era has no charm.

My favorite spot in the house is the upstairs room where the Salvia grows. No electronics, no electricity except for the ceiling light. Sitting in this room, illuminated by the rays from the Sun or from a candle, there is refuge, there is charm.

Maybe because I'm so well-acquainted with electronics and digital crap that I've lost interest in it all. To be off-line and unplugged would be a blessing, if ever the time came to this. On-line and plugged in for now, I gamely work and play with the toys of the day. Non-attachment.

*

The most eloquent expression is not found in words, or music, or artifice, but in living, aware presence. My heart leaps with joy when I'm face to face with the cats; their presence is pure, and strong, and delightful, as their spirit is pure. When presences communicate wordlessly and establish implicit tacit trust, there is the presence of peace, love, joy. It is possible for any human being to resume being pure spirit, and thus have a pure, strong, loving, peaceful, joyous presence--the big obstacle to surrendering to, and expressing, pure spirit is mind-dominance, being controlled by--and identifying with--thoughts.

*

What interests me the most is what all beings have in common, what all beings ARE in common, which is everything, literally everything. Taking what we all have, what we all are, and using it to find an end to suffering, means everything to me now.

And NOW is the operative word. Right now, with this very mind, this very awareness, this very life, is the material to work with, to find insight, to find the end of suffering in this very moment.

If I can find insight in this moment, any being can find insight in this very moment. If I can find the way to end suffering in this moment, any being can find the way to end suffering in this very moment.

I'm reluctant to focus on anything that is peculiar to me--such is the stuff of duality, the worship of individuality. Anything that is different about me is purely form-al, of form only; cosmetic, not cosmic.

This world is fast approaching the time when it can no longer afford the luxury of have-too-much's and have-nots. No human being should ever have to be condemned to a lifetime of hunger, thirst, poverty, deprivation, ignorance. To live in places where people ought not to live has to stop. To bring more people into the world than the land can support has to stop. Taking care of the people who are already here is absolutely top priority, with planning to make life sustainable, and wholesome. The human experience on this planet can be one of needs-met, everyone having enough, indefinitely.

What's needed is a change of mindset, to get off the abominable global 'gold standard' and on the 'lifespirit standard.'

*

Had a sneezing fit at 4 a.m., got up to piss, and when I returned to bed all four cats clustered around my head, neck, and shoulders, purring loudly. Couldn't get back to sleep, so just lay there, enjoying the companionship of the warm purry furry pure spirits.

After breakfast, sat down with the morning paper and four cats found their way to my lap. The cats, those pure spirits, are content and complete, and have only the basic needs of the pure animal spirit. They have accepted me into their ranks, and I'm so happy about that. Just to be a fuzzy skuzzy animal that walks on two legs, no pretensions whatsoever, simple needs, simple pleasures.

*

Read with interest an article this morning about a man who drove 200 miles at 55 miles per hour, in southern California no less. He saved a great deal of fuel, lost some time, and was meet with sneers and jeers of adults and even some prepubescents as they whizzed past.

I am definitely ready for a 55-mph road trip, literally and figuratively. I'm in it for the long haul. I have a finite amount of time left in this slowly sinking vessel of human form, as do all beings in their respective forms. Should I be dashing around at top speed, or slow down, and god forbid, stop, get out, walk, sit, be, sitting in the middle of the universe?

In my delightful routine walking commute to work this morning, mindful of the careening vehicles late for whatever requires their immediate presence, it was a little clearer to me how DESIRES make people's lives expensive, complicated, and altogether miserable. Desires drive us, desires blind us, and there we are, a mass of beings driving blind, and driving to excess.

What is our goal, our pursuit, our destination that's so terribly important that we have to suck up millions of barrels of oil every day? It wasn't like this a century ago. I've lived half a century and I KNOW our energy gluttony is recent, unnecessary, and a clear and present danger to the well-being of individuals as well as to our species and the planet. Oil wars, global warming, depletion of resources, loss of habitat, and degradation of the quality of daily life.

And financial duress for schlubs like me and my wife. To keep two vehicles running and to pay off of these two vehicles, we don't have enough money left over for far more important needs.

If it were up to me, which in my case it's not, being married and compromising to the max, I'd keep one small cheap-running paid-for vehicle and sell the gas hog, and make extremely few forays out onto the highway, and forgo long trips unless absolutely necessary, such as on the occasion of the inevitable family emergencies in faraway places.

How little the Self requires. When the Self is in charge, there is no desire, only basic animal needs: water, food, sleep, shelter. That's it. There's a good reason why Buddhist monks and Gautama himself chucked everything and wandered around with nothing but a robe and a beggar's bowl. That's all the Self, the True Self, the Original Self, needs. As insight is deepened and perfected, desires fall away until none are left, and there is no-one but the selfless Self present in the human form. The needs of the human form remain, but not the desires of the conditioned false illusory little self.

But human beings desire, and desire more and more and more, and must pay dearly for satisfying those desires. The irony is, what we desire, we get; once we own the object of our desire, we want to keep it, and the object then owns us. So we hustle for money, and hustle to get to the job to get the money, so we can pay for all the shit we desire. What marvelous shit is available these days, the shit keeps getting better and better. Factories all over the world cranking out shit fulfillment of mass desires.

*

What a relief it is to see oneself in everything, and everything in oneself. There is no you, no me, no yours, no mine, no us, no them. It's all one thing, one being, one identity, one life, one flesh, one mind, one awareness, one energy. No-one to hate, no-one to fear, no-one to envy, no-one to be jealous about, no-one to lust after. How can one hate, fear, envy, be jealous of, or lust after, oneself?

It's all just energy, ever-changing ever-flowing energy. This is all that we are. We are all one energy, interpenetrating, eternal, infinite energy.

*

Renewed acquaintance with Salvia last evening, ate two large fresh leaves and spent the next hour lying on the guest bed with the cats, in darkness and silence, getting in touch with life itself. The life of Salvia, and the life in this body, came together, and together as one complete lifeforce enjoyed silent understanding of beingness. Impossible to put into words, even though utterly simple. Just be, be life, be lifeforce, love all beings as our true self and rejoice.

*

Have been stopping by the Salvias to thank them for what they are, and for what they've done for me. The Salvias, and the cats, have helped me get to that place of purity, of innocence, good will, good faith, simplicity. There is immanent excellence, there is perfection, in Salvia, in cat, and potentially in human being, if human being is willing to empty himself of himself.

What a relief, to become empty, to free the mind and the body to be what it is. Accepting the moment as it is, offering no resistance, one with the moment, one with the surroundings, at last remembering what, exactly, has assumed this human form. The universe reclaims its rightful place, and occupies the space formerly 'owned' by a fictional tenant of name and role.

A tremendous amount of worry, despair, discontent is easy enough for me to bring about and suffer from. I could slip into the cynical critic, and be harsh, unsparing, in views of everything and everyone. Fortunately, I've learned, as did the 3rd Chinese Zen Patriarch, to "stop holding views." Letting go of views, the healing emptiness is re-established, radiant reality is restored, and suffering ceases.

I've heard the cunning businesspeople speak knowingly about "perception" particularly the public perception of their products, services, or establishments. As long as they can produce the right "perception" in their customers they will make money, and the customers will be happy. This is admission of the fundamental illusoriness of the business, that it requires manipulation of the customer's perception in order to convince him to shop, and keep shopping, at a particular establishment. "It's all about perception" they say, privy to the manipulatability of people. So the Wal-Mart execs go forth and spread the word of how extremely virtuous is their corporation. Winning over the public perception is everything. Business is politics is business.

*

So good to be outside, under the sky, and walking. The clearest headspace then. It's because of the sky, the free sky, the open sky, the beautiful sky, containing everything. Sky. The sky of mind, mind and sky contain all things, clear sky, cloudy sky, daytime sky, nighttime sky. The free sky, the free mind. To spend even just a little time outside, under the sky, every day, so wholesome, so healing. Some of the most glorious, unforgettable days are those spent outside, all day and into the night. The spirit of the outside, the spirit of the sky, the spirit of nature, the spirit of the universe, infusing all, present everywhere, just as the sky. Spirit is sky, sky is spirit. Mind is sky, sky is mind. Vast, oceanic, serene, benignly indifferent, without any self or personhood whatsoever.

Animals. Easy, and so refreshing, to catch the eye of an animal, to make contact with a being who is pure spirit, who has no false notion of self. I recognize the Self in animals, and animals recognize the Self in me. Life recognizes life. Spirit recognizes spirit. Self recognizes Self. Human beings, so full of themselves, fail to recognize the Self within, and fail to recognize the Self in others. Their eye is impossible to catch, their attention going to restless thoughts or to particular forms in the field of vision or hearing.

Just being the Self is almost more than I can bear, if not for the fact that it is the Self bearing the Self.

*

Writing with this computer, and going through the deliberate machinations to upload and download, ostensibly to communicate with other beings who are of a very small subset of a small subset of a small subset: self-aware English-speaking people with Internet access and of an entheological persuasion. Why do I write, and write, and write...for the sake of writing, hypergraphia, the creative urge...

I am somewhat skilled with the English language, and can type like a demon.

How ironic that what most matters to me can't be put into words!

Nonconceptual nonverbal awareness, pure Mind...words only distract, a buzzing of thoughts in the writer transferred to the reader.

But for those people who can read past these words, it is simply a matter of it's fun to play with words, appearing and disappearing in pure Mind as any other form in the formless universal awareness. Why not write? Why not read? Established in the pure Mind, there is no form, no activity, to be craved or to be avoided. Without discrimination, without desire, without fear, with no-one writing and no-one reading, words happen. All is as it is, all is what it is. Cosmic energy writing, cosmic energy reading, cosmic energy knowing, the knower and the known--one and the same.

*

What can be said to be permanent? What will be around for the ages? As I look about, walking outside, I see that there will always be pure Mind, empty, transparent, all-embracing. There will always be forms appearing and disappearing and changing in pure Mind, the forms are not permanent, but pure Mind, having no form, is permanent.

Pure Mind is the legacy the universe provides for itself, a selfless, vast, calm refuge. Wherever there is sentience, there is pure Mind. Pure Mind is the same, wherever it appears.

As I go about, taking care of the business of the day, it is my greatest pleasure to be in my right Mind. It's the most wonderful entertainment there could possibly be. Music may be the universal language, and a smile may need no translation, but pure Mind is better than anything in terms of universal presence. Even a blind and deaf being is in pure Mind, perhaps moreso than those with eyes and ears whose vision and hearing are so often distracted by pretty sights and pretty sounds.

*

To identify oneself as the 'doer' is a common mistake. Someone who writes well, writes often, and writes for income 'is a writer.' Someone who sings well, etc., 'is a singer'... What is uncommon is to attribute these skills to the One True Doer, which doesn't need to identify itself as anything at all, because it is in fact nothing, no-one, selfless: the eternal, universal Self.

The Self does like to make music and the Self does get good with words, here and there. To exercise and express skills long-practiced that give satisfaction just by the doing is only natural. What needs to be understood is just who is doing the doing, and just who is appreciating what is done. The Self communicating with Itself. The universe communicating with itself.

The old-fashioned way this was summed up was, "for the glory of God." J. S. Bach took pains to make clear the beautiful music coming forth from the Self in the form of JSB was dedicated to the glory of God. Beautiful music comes from the glory of God, and goes to the glory of God. It's all God's glory, the cosmic energy field.

*

Re-reading a very old yellowing brittle paperback "The Teachings of the Compassionate Buddha" last night, and was reminded that the career of anyone who has managed to find the freedom of the innate Tathagata is that of the bodhisattva. There is no complete freedom until all beings are free. The Tathagata is in every being; every being is just as much in every other being as they are in their own being. There is, in fact, no ownership, no separate self. We are all each other, and share a common fate.

Throughout our shared experience as one being in many forms, there is a way every form can be free of suffering. This way requires the form to ask, "who is this that is suffering?" and "where exactly is this suffering located?". The answers to these questions results in the end of suffering. There is no self to suffer. The mind, being formless, transparent, vast, has no place where suffering can take hold.

Forms suffer when ignorant of That which abides within each form as the selfless Self and the mindless Mind. Children, animals, deluded adult human beings suffer. There is an immense amount of suffering in the world experienced by every form that believes it has a separate self and separate existence.

The course of action of the bodhisattva community is to help the world obtain what it needs, to work toward a sustainable equitable world where everyone's needs are met: water, food, shelter, clothing, sanitation, medicine, fuel, education. The major problem with attaining such a state of needs-met is the presence of selfish desire: those who want more than they need, those whose indulgence in selfish desire create situations where needs can't be easily met, such as having too many children to adequately care for. Overpopulation and the accumulation of wealth. Desire's effect on the world.

Even though the effort seems futile, a sustainable equitable world is worth striving toward; speaking out about the true cause of suffering and the way out of suffering is also worth doing, as futile as it may seem.

In this eternal moment the all-embracing transparent Mind takes in all phenomena, and is my refuge. My mind used to be the source of misery, when thoughts were uncontrolled and when I identified with my thoughts. Now my mind is my refuge, my inspiration, my constant guide. My mind is universal, and I look for ways to show everyone I can this wonderful mind of ours, our true mind, our shared pure mind. To be in this true mind is how we share its blessings.

*

The worst of times/the best of times. The worst of times in terms of material plane/financial aspects, really grim, could be worse, but bad enough--never have I owed so much to so many for so long. The best of times because I've matured enough to recognize the difference between "Little I" and "Big I". Little I gets frustrated, depressed, and in despair because he forgets he's Big I and lets himself get personally affected by the impermanence of all things. Big I laughs and laughs...

Like Suzuki Roshi says, the Little I forgets who's actually doing it, forgets about Big I.

I don't have a pot to piss in anymore, but that's okay--I understand now--I have always been the Big I, and it's always right here, silent, calm, real, radiant, universal, deathless.

So the Big I deals as candidly and fearlessly as the Big I is with the bill collectors--debts amassed by the Little I--and the Little I's, in whatever form they have their illusory existence, this one included.

*

Having lost everything, having learned that everything is impermanent, only now am I ready to find That which can't ever be lost, the true Home that is always here.

Having been alienated from the universe for so long, it's absolutely beyond bliss to wrap myself up in it, all of it, it's my true self.

To recall now the parts of the universe which have suddenly undergone great misfortune, the earthquake victims, all those parts in pain, not knowing That which feels the pain, not knowing That which is beyond pain. What would a buddha do in an earthquake, besides being equanimous?

*

I have the greatest sympathy for people who must live and work with other people, or rather for those people who do not get sufficient solitude. In solitude, the true self can more easily be recognized and realized and incorporated, especially at first. The presence of other thought-riddled beings--humans being the only species so riddled--makes it difficult to go beyond false self and be true self.

I'm fortunate to have a working and living situation where I have many opportunities to contemplate, in solitude. It's my greatest joy to recognize, realize, and be, the true self.

How sad that bright people take their rare periods of solitude and ruin them with iPod ear candy or cell phone chatter or Internet brain-candy. The fate of being terminally distracted has befallen too many human beings.

To live for something larger than oneself sounds grand and noble...if the self in question is the false self. To live for the true self, which IS one's self--one's true self--is not an ideological, political, or religious endeavor--it is nothing less than the universe being the universe, in whatever form it takes.

The fundamental activity of the universe is to be itself, spontaneously, eternally. It's absolutely free and always fully complete in the Now. Surrounded by itself, it never dies.

*

A fitful sleep, but when returning to bed later in the wee hours of the morning all the cats clustered around my head, purring, and I fell asleep remembering the primacy of unconditional love. Had a dream where acquaintances were being arrested for possessing and using illegal herb, while the legal herb, Salvia divinorum, I possessed and not having used was of no interest to the authorities. The message was that Salvia facilitated spiritual growth without the need for frequently being 'under the influence' and that the changes of 'trait' due to Salvia teachings were permanent and independent of any outside support from the plant.

Which is exactly where I'm at now. I have no need, and no desire, to repeat the Salvia experience anytime soon. It's more important to remember all I need is to be what I am, and what I am is, to put it mildly, a rich inner resource. It's the desired implied result of entheogen use: realize the God within, and let It take over. Once that happens, further entheogen use is superfluous.

Enjoyed a PBS 'Nature' special last night showing how monkeys and great apes use tools and have cultures, including warfare and politics. And how 'lost civilizations' collapsed due to their all-consuming bigness. And how our civilization is well on its way to collapse for all the same reasons.

In my morning insomnia looked around Earth using 'Google Earth' and landed in the middle of the Amazonian rain forest, pure beautiful unbroken green, flowing rivers and tributaries. The cool peace in my heart is starting to return.

*

One of the secrets of establishing close rapport with a cat is to make it clear that at no time will you jeopardize his freedom. He will always be a free being, free to come and go as he pleases.

Likewise, the cat encourages me to be an equal, and equally free, an equally free being. In the human experience, the freedom to physically come and go is not always an option, and that is really beside the point, experientially, existentially. The crucial freedom for human beings is mental, spiritual: when the mind is free, the human being is free; when the spirit is free, the human being is free. Freedom is a state of mind, 'tis so.

I savor the perfect freedom of a mind in its natural, undisturbed, pure state: free of the prisons of fear, of desire, of attachment, of despair, of regret, of envy, of perfectionism. To have a free mind is to be truly free. The irony is, every human being was born with a free mind, and mind in its essence is always free, always pure, always transparent, as free as free can be.

I like to go for long rambling walks outdoors because the universe, the natural world, has an oceanic self-less calm that I can surrender my feverish ego to as I walk. The universe has no self, and the longer I walk, the more "I" shrink, until all that's left is an oceanic, self-less, calm awareness.

People really do need to get away from people at least for a bit, once in a while, as needed. Thoughts! Words! Opinions! Enough!!!

*

Sometimes I'll find all four cats on my lap in the morning while I read the newspaper. The purring fur, the untroubled, blissful eyes, the total relaxation, helps me be sane and whole. Life can be very simple: the simple things, the little things, are what make up life, 'tis so. A little sleep, a little food, a good bowel movement, a shower...it doesn't take much to be in that all-important baseline creature-comfort zone. And maybe that's "Why We're Here": just to be, and keep be-ing. Just to be, is enough. The cats are content to melt onto whatever surface they happen to be upon. There is no sense of urgency.

Human beings are the only animals on earth who let themselves get sleep-deprived, who torture themselves and each other with thoughts.

*

This very mind...this very body...all this time...so beautiful, so beautiful. It's for everyone, it's in everyone, if anyone wants it, needs it. In religious terms, our awareness is God's awareness, our body is God's body. In this moment God takes over, takes back his body, his awareness, and accepts the circumstances in which he happens to dwell. God is a three-letter one-syllable code word for spirit, and spirit is a six-letter two-syllable code word for universal natural cosmic energy. The presence of That which we are is palpable, vibrant, as real as it gets. God alone is. Spirit alone is. That alone is.

*

In a rush to be Here soon? Planning to be in the Now someday? Hoping to be an Enlightened person? No more rushing, no more plans, no more pretending. We're here, we're now, we're spirit--already, all along.

Maintaining the sublest relationship with Salvia divinorum. I'm getting more benefits from tending the plants than by eating them, although I do on occasion nibble a small fresh or dried leaf for old time's sake, and for symbolic ceremonial intent. I know when my vision is clear when I can see the spirit of the plant--it is a powerful green incandescence, intense, beautiful. Salvia is a pure spirit, and a powerful ally. Salvia helps me overcome morbid mind-dominance and directs me to the spirit, to nature.

People need to be reminded they are part of nature. When people forget that they are part of nature, they do very stupid, selfish, dangerous things, and live in a very stupid, selfish, and dangerous way.

I like animals because they're pure spirits, of nature. Nature, pure spirits, animals, they don't give me any crap--they're selfless. They have no views, no opinions, no judgements, no criticism. They are not mind-dominated, or more precisely, not thought-dominated. Give me the honest pure furry face of a cat any day.

*

Noodling on this on-line spiritual journal is 'talking the talk' or 'wording the words' or 'writing the writing' -- very easy, very natural for me, as wordsmithing is evidently one of this monkey's fortes. Writing, and musicmaking, are methods I use to focus my intent, so in a sense I am walking the walk by such talking of the talk. The walk is to be spirit, and to live as spirit. That's it. All my life I've considered many options, made many mistakes, found much bliss, and lost much bliss, and now as I grow older the most important thing I've found is to just be spirit. Spirit is the electricity of this human light bulb. Spirit is the luminous life of every living being, one electricity flowing through every light bulb. Homely analogy, nonetheless accurate. Anyone can recognize that their "I" is in fact spirit. So thus illumined by this living universal electricity, I go forth to walk the walk, to be spirit, which is what we truly are.

*

Who am I? Who am "I"? This is a universally-applicable question with a universally-applicable answer, since everyone who refers to "I" has an "I"."I"-ness is universal. Who, or what, is this "I" then?

Diving deep, deeper, evermore deeply into the mystery of "I"-ness there comes the realization that the I is nothing more, or less, than Awareness. What we ascribe to this fundamental, universal Awareness is what we come to regard as "I".

We were all born, without our consent. What we are born as, is a monkey-like body with Awareness. Our first possessions are body and Awareness, unbidden, inherent. This we carry with us throughout our life. The Awareness remains transparent while the body grows and then declines. The body is subject to pain, pleasure, heat, cold, hunger, thirst, fatigue, illness, injury, senescence and death. Awareness remains transparent throughout all the changes the bodily form undergoes.

Awareness contemplates itself, and wonders then what, exactly, is Aware? Is it a separate person? Is it the brain? Where exactly in the brain? What cell or molecule is Aware?

Diving deeper still, the livingness that makes all living things alive is understood to be energy, sunlight in fact, feeding plants, and the plants feeding the animals, including these Aware monkey-bodies. Awareness is solar energy, made flesh, made Aware.

So solar energy is Awareness; cosmic energy, actually, is Awareness. Energy is Awareness itself, energy is life itself, living energy, lifespirit.

Rather than toy with nomenclature for this living aware Essence that is the universal "I" I am quite content to call it spirit, which is the spirit of the universe, the spirit of nature. To live in spirit, for spirit, as spirit, is what "I" was born to do, what every "I" is born to do. Every "I" is spirit, the Eye of spirit. Simple, elegant, real, beautiful, meaningful. All the suffering was, and is, inevitable, as every "I" struggles with the suffering of denying it is spirit, from the ignorance of true identity as spirit.

*

The fact that there is no self is the ultimate heresy, the unacceptable blasphemy. Few are willing to look deep enough within to see where the I originates, and fewer still are willing to accept, once they start to realize the origin point, that there's no-one there.

Yet if one really wants to know the truth, and thus to be free--free of delusion, free of suffering--it's essential that the truth of no-self be experienced, even though, ironically, there's no-one to experience the no-self experience.

Extreme existentiality. For existential geniuses only.

*

Amazing there's still this dichotomy, a split personality of sorts, a struggle between 'good' and 'evil' in my own personal experience. I can be in a heaven of loving clarity one moment, then in the next moment a conceptual hell spawned by my reaction to a bank statement, for instance. That a series of numbers on a sheet of paper could be cause for outrage and depression is something I need to work out of my system.

There's a relationship between chronic financial problems and the problem of existence. Money, and personal existence, are both borrowed. There is absolutely no chance of getting out of the debt owed to the banks and to nature--sooner or later they must be paid in full, in the end.

This fact is not depressing to me, it is in fact liberating. In good faith I shall repay all my debts in full, as I can. I will make arrangements to pay the banks in such a way that I can continue to survive and function as anyone must. I will 'borrow' as little as possible from nature in order to survive and function, and do what I can to repay her in whatever way I can while alive, being her advocate, lover, and promoter in this human form, and of course when this form can no longer hold together it will be returned to nature in full measure, to be recycled, to feed the cycle of life of which it is always a part.

The main thing is to remember there's nothing I can do about the situation, other than to do what I can do, in good faith, in this cosmic dream we're all in together. In short, it's time to forgive my debtors and myself, to de-stress and relax, to be in a state of grace and blessedness, of lovingkindness and mindfulness, in the eternal Now. Payback Time indeed!

*

It took about 30-40 years to begin to understand the implications of the energy field I could see since a teenager. This flowing, streaming, glowing radiance, it's there, I see it now just as I saw it then, around all living flesh, around all matter in fact. Matter is condensed energy, and there is energy radiating from all matter.

Everything is energy. The ground of being is really the energy of being. All reality is virtual reality, a display of energy, no more substantial than the flickering forms seen on a television screen or computer monitor. At the heart of every form is...nothing. Insubstantial energy, giving the illusion of substance.

Energy comes together and grows eyes and hands and feet and nervous system and flesh and blood. Energy sees here, and there, shifting, transforming, uncreated, indestructible, only changing its form.

Energy is spirit is energy. This energy-stuff of the universe is the basis of all science, religion, being, and awareness.

*

Had all four cats on lap this morning. In the midst of fur and pur, paw and claw, perfect animal contentment, realized once again we're all one flesh. One awareness. One flesh. Went upstairs, gave Furbananda a dried Salvia divinorum leaf, while I found and ate a fresh leaf from a cutting that didn't root. Almost immediately was reminded that it's all about lifeforce, rejoice and be glad to be lifeforce, flowing everywhere. There is no death, only living energy flowing everywhere, forever, formless and in every form.

Mansions, fancy vehicles, luxuries of every kind, the pursuit of material wealth...the old story. The real wealth is spiritual, of spirit, of living energy. To know that we are this eternal omnipresent living energy is the ultimate wild wealth, as well as the source of all that is called 'good' and 'virtue.' To be spirit is to be loaded with the fruits of the spirit.

*

O glorious transparent pure point of awareness. Universal awareness. Universal selfless self. If we were to say what "I" really is, it's pure awareness, transparent, formless. Everywhere, in every being, it's the same. Most beings take it for granted, as concerned as they are about survival and self-gratification. After getting beyond survival and self-gratification, awareness stands revealed, radiant, fully obvious, absolutely unfettered, vast as the sky.

*

Accepting the what-is, the essential no-selfitude of the what-is--energy is not a self, after all.
Part of the accepting is accepting that lots of people are convinced there is a self, they have a self, a separate self.
This is the common assumption, the fixation, the grand delusion disease infecting most human beings.
Playing along, and looking for those opportunities to connect to the energy core of the deluded beings.
With any other animal, such connection is easy, as easy as eye contact, as easy as a stroking of the furry pelt along the spine.
Unable any longer to be anything else but the same stuff, a spokesnonperson for the stuff of the universe.

*

Stuck in this body.
Stuck in this mind.
Stuck in this situation.
Stuck in this moment.
What to do about it...
Today, at lunch, stretched out with the cats, relaxing on the guest bed, praising them for being Brahman in little furry bodies,
It dawned on me Brahman is stuck in its body, mind, situation and moment, eternally.
What's it do about it, is continue to Hang Out.
The cats are wise enough to Hang Out, in between trips to the food bowl and litterbox.
So I, also being Brahman, vow to Hang Out for the welfare of all sentient beings, starting with this one.
Would that all sentient beings be wise enough to just Hang Out, to be content, to be relaxed in this body, mind, situation, moment we're ALL stuck in.
That's the secret, to Hang Out, and relax in this body, this mind, this situation, this moment, eternally.
No-one asked to be born, but our parents went ahead and enjoyed the pleasures of the flesh and made more flesh.
To continue to enjoy the pleasures of the flesh, and make more flesh? Is that it?

Lately I've gotten really really austere about my headspace. No distractions. No amusements. No iPods, no compulsive incessant cell-phone chattering, no eye candy, no ear candy, very few pleasures of the flesh, as much sensory deprivation as possible. No avoidance of the beauty of nature, but no headphones in my ears, no movies or much TV, no music-listening to speak of, occasionally making music but that's it.

This I do, or rather NOT do, so that I can better focus on the core root source of my own suffering, which is to be not as mindful of headspace as I could be--my headspace gets negative, I give myself reasons to be Ugly.

All of which, of course, fly in the face of the ultimate fact, which is that I'm Brahman, and Self-realized at that. Why do I persist in feeling anger and despair over transient worldly materialistic concerns such as being chronically flat broke for some stupid reason. Better I should accept the changing fortunes of these times and greet the Repo Men with mindful lovingkindness.
I foresee a way of life as austere as my headspace, to unfold as it will. In the meantime, I will strive to just Hang Out, in mindful lovingkind relaxed blessedness, Brahman in the form of an average middle-aged white man. I will strive to be gracious, and graceful, and let things unfold as they must unfold. I'm as ahead of the curve as it's possible to be, and extreme patience is called for. Dead, buried, all energy dispersed, and still getting up in the morning and putting my pants on one leg at a time.

*

There is truly no fixed self to be found. The self is nowhere, in fact, and does not exist. The volatile pseudo-self, the person, or the personality, changes from moment to moment.

This could be interpreted as an explanation of multiple-personality disorder. EVERYONE has MPD. We can just learn to work with it, and play pretend to 'be' this kind of person or that kind of person.

I've been all over the map, a chameleon of personality, for a long time. My father was that way, and used it to his advantage in his salesmanship. Two things he used to exhort to me: "Be yourself!" and "Sell yourself!"

To Be Yourself is a Zen koan--what is the true personality, true voice, and where is it found? When is it found, as it changes constantly? To finally learn how to be your true self is a leap of faith into living in a realm of total selfless spontaneity--the one who lives, moves, has its being, speaks, writes, thinks, acts, is a mystery, it just says what it says, does what it does, without forethought.

To Sell Yourself is what I'm learning how to do lately...in my case it's learning how to sell the true self at every juncture. What I've learned is that when anyone is being their true self, or more correctly THE true self, which is universal, its presence as us, its expression through our form, is all that's required to sell the true self. When in the presence of a being who is manifesting the true self, the true self recognizes itself. That's why animals--pure spirits, true self in furry feathered finned forms--inspire us, delight us, because animals are just being themselves, the true self. Catch an animal's eye, and there is mutual recognition.

The fact that animals don't conceptualize, aren't deluded, don't talk, confirms their status as perfect beings, the true self incarnate.

So starting this moment, and remaining in this moment, I continue the Happy Excursion as expressed by Chuang Tzu. I do what I do, say what I say, go where I go, for no reason at all--when the energy of the universe flows, who ever knows?

*

No self, only energy, pure being, pure awareness. So be it. The fact remains, in this energy matrix, in this energy dream, energy recognizes energy; life recognizes life; awareness recognizes awareness. To be in a condition where there is only one recognizing itself--one energy recognizing itself--is what some religious believers call Heaven. Heaven is real, Heaven is home, Heaven is right here, right now, eternally. To simply be that pure spirit we are, that energy, to be of one essence, one heart, one eye, which is eternal and universal and real, is the kingdom of Heaven. God recognizing itself, God revealing itself to itself, God keeping company with itself in every form, is Heaven.

*

While flat on my back resting at home for a few minutes today at lunch with the cats I caught myself replaying last night's episode of "CSI" in my mind. Not just taken away by fixated ideas, but entire TV shows. Programs. Programming. What I have managed to do is 'deprogram' myself so that I am no longer in the thrall of any program in my head. Recognizing programs and thoughts when they emerge in the empty transparency of mind is the technique that works to deprogram, and thus to be free.

People running around with programs driving them, organic computers, with those software programs programmed by others, being programmed and programming in turn. All those different programs...

Looking for deprogrammed people. I find plants and animals perfectly unprogrammed, and commune with their pure energy essence; to do likewise with members of my own species would be a pleasure indeed. Pure energy, pure awareness, pure being: I will, starting now, be a beacon of this, a temple of flesh and awareness, doors wide open to all comers.

*

The self, and God, mercifully do not exist. Selflessness is not some goody-two-shoes martyr complex thing, it's a literal fact. There is no-one inside, no-one home. There is only energy. Sometimes when energy organizes and aggregates and congeals it thinks it has a self, but such is a delusion. There is only energy.

Selflessness is not self-denial. Selflessness is not nihilism. Selflessness just is. In the reality of the absence of self there is freedom, the end of suffering. There is no-one who suffers, there is no-one to be held captive, either self-captive or other-captive. There is no self, there is no other. There is only energy.

All these years, seeing the shimmering energy around this body, every body, and wondering: this has to imply something huge. It does. There is only energy. We are all only energy.

This is.

*

My guru is the totality of experience, everything just as it is. In this, my four black cats--the little panthers--offer more substantial therapeutic wisdom than anyone I know. When in doubt, I go ask the panthers. They respect me because I respect them so totally. Feeling those little purry furry bodies next to mine, seeing those bright trusting eyes, we recognize in each other the highest wisdom of the present. The wisdom of resting when tired. The wisdom of eating when hungry. The wisdom of drinking when thirsty. The wisdom of attending to every call of nature as it arises. The wisdom of perfect repose, perfect contentment. The wisdom of simply being.

*

Guru-worship, idolatry, dominant-submissive alpha-beta relationships, being on or putting on pedestals...elitism of every stripe...authoritarianism and unchecked selfishness...identification with role, occupation, gender, sexual orientation, family, nation, age group, profession, interests, hobbies...inevitable, understandable, and delusional. Mind-dominated living, mind-dominated identity.

I think back to a pivotal experience of my childhood when I was once enrolled in a summer school for 'gifted' children. What I took away from that experience was the snobbery of my classmates and the humorless self-importance of the instructors. In a word, elitism. The Ruling Class being groomed.

Away from people, way off the beaten path, I have found the Great Equality. Nature has provided everything I need, including meaning and identity. I am, and realize I have been all along, a totally free being, completely real, 100% pure Ground of Being. I see every animal and plant as equals, as manifestations of my true self.

Once again following the bliss, the path with heart, and feeling that resonance that comes with living the Way. A scuzzy, humble, scavenging Way...worn and ragged around the edges, to the eye that sees only outward forms...the combined light of the universe, to those whose true original Eye is opened.

There is, all on its own, Being. There is, all on its own, Awareness. In this very moment, on and on. That Thing which IS, that Thing which is AWARE. It's alive, it's an animal, it's a living being. Mind wide open, all-embracing, all-accepting, non-discriminating. This is the true mind, the mind of sanity, the mind of peace, the mind of freedom. Freedom is not so much a state of mind, but true mind itself, vast, empty, pure, transparent.

For most of my life I've been at the mercy of thoughts, assaulted by uncontrolled thoughts, terrorized by thoughts. No more. No more. For all those who have, are, or will be putting a gun to their heads to Stop the Thoughts, I say: why in hell didn't you just stop taking your frigging thoughts seriously and just watch them rise and fall in the emptiness of pure Awareness. You identified with your thoughts, didn't you? So did I. No more. No more.

I feel empathy for those who are still mind-dominated, or rather, thought-dominated. Freedom is in this moment, in this body, in this mind. It is this body. It is this mind. It's always here, always now. Hear me now, believe me later, know it later, know it NOW.

*

The delight I experience when graced by the presence of my beloved housecats is acute, i.e., because they are cute, i.e., acute, i.e., fully in the present, spontaneous, ingenuous, natural, authentic, real. The lifespirit, the spirit of nature, is always in the present, is acute, and all living beings are, in the truest sense of the word, cute. Watching a slug crawl on the ground or watching and listening to a bird in full-throated song, all living beings are the most precious jewels. Wealth is found in pure life itself, the living spirit fully present in the present.

I felt envy and regret at an elegant soiree in an elegant mansion, surrounded by affluence and affluent people. Why am I struggling to pay the bills when others have more money than they know what to do with? What boat did I miss, and why did I miss it?

Somewhere along the line I realized the boat I hopped aboard was not destined for fame or fortune, in fact was sailing 180 degrees away from them.

What I have found, instead of worldly wealth, is the wealth of nature. The lifespirit, the spirit of nature, immanent, transcendent, pure, the source of all peace and freedom and wisdom and unconditional love. Within every being. I see the spirit of nature in all beings. I feel the spirit of nature as my own true spirit, my own true nature, which is nature itself.

It's considered blasphemous or psychotic to claim to be God. It's suspect to go around claiming to be life itself. Now I can say, with complete conviction, and impunity, and irrefutability, that I am nature itself. Every being is nature. Nature is one being, interconnected, of the same living spirit. Everywhere I look, I see the spirit of nature in every eye, including my own.

That is wealth, wild, inexpressible, unbearably wonderful wealth. My responsibility is to remain with this wealth by remaining in the present, where it dwells, always. The wealth is shared by sharing presence in the present, and the wealth is shared because the wealth is already in everyone's living breathing bank account. Awareness, being, insight, illumination--how wealthy we are! The pure spirit, just being pure spirit. Right now, always.

*

In an instant it's as if someone else is occupying this body. Actually, what's happening is that the body is at last occupying the body, or more precisely, the circulating energy of the living body, in other words, life-force--cosmic energy--is occupying the body. This energy has no self, no history, no identity, no memory. It flows everywhere, through everything, and is that which sees through every eye, that which feels through every nerve-ending. It leaves a body when there's no longer enough structural integrity to keep the body going, and continues to flow everywhere. This energy is elegantly called spirit. It belongs to everyone and no-one--all belongs to spirit. To come home to spirit is to become spirit, or to realize one has been spirit all along.

Occupying this body as if for the first time, I inherit the karma of this body's actions--its words, its deeds, its habits, its desires, its attachments, its mental conditioning, its thoughts, and yes...its debts.

Embarrassing, yet in the final analysis, hilarious, that pure spirit has to deal with a personal debt load that is analogous to the U.S. Federal Government's deficit.

Not much can be done about it, other than to make a good-faith effort to pay down the debts, a little at a time, even though it might take more than one lifetime to become debt-free.

At least, being spirit, I will not likely succumb to greed and get as acquisitive about materialistic goodies as the former occupant of this body was wont to be. New strings as needed for the guitar; tires for the bicycle; the requisite food, water, clothing, shelter, fuel, medicine, necessary goods and services for health and well-being...if that can all be obtained I may still have enough wherewithal left over to pay down the debts, a little at a time.

The main thing is to not worry about money, to not dwell on money...in short, to live a spiritual life, and give the material life enough attention as necessary, but not more.

*

That delicious feeling of 'having arrived.' In my case, it's having arrived at presence, or Presence, or Self, or Awareness, or That, or This, or True Nature, or No-Self. Ground of Being. Nonduality. Isness, Thisness. Tathagata. Buddha-nature.

The litmus test is suffering: where is the suffering coming from? who is suffering? Is there suffering inherent in pure Awareness, pure Being? Where then, is the suffering coming from? Who then, is suffering? Aha! Just as I thought. There is no-one to suffer, there is no source of suffering. There can be suffering--desires, fears, all the drama and heartbreak of duality--but fundamentally, there is merciful emptiness, beautiful transparency, at the core of being and awareness. No-one here. Just dust of the universe, dancing dust.

*

What we are can't be taken away--it's impossible. What we are sustains us through everything. What we are is the wellspring of mindfulness and lovingkindness. What we are is present, is Presence. This Presence is what we are. In Presence, as Presence, we are mindful, loving, and kind. Mindfulness and lovingkindness readies us to realize the Presence we already are.

*

It really is necessary to hold all egoic desires in abeyance in order to get that insight into the real I that is our I-ness. Otherwise the flurry of thoughts surrounding acquisition of desires and avoidance of undesirables--the opacity of the needy insecure false I--obscures the shining realization of true I, the universal Self.

The needs of the Self are few, and simple, and easily met; the needs of the false self are many, and complex, and insatiable.

*

The question "Who Am I?" is fateful, crucial, critical, of the most-ut importance. When it is understood that this I-ness is the same I in every being, the same Big Being, this makes every relationship totally meaningful. Who is doing what to whom? Who is saying what to whom? Truly we are speaking to the Self; truly we are doing to the Self. The Self speaks to Self. The Self acts upon Self.

I may call you by your birth name, you may call me by my birth name, and we may happen to be born as a particular species, gender, race, in a favorable or unfavorable socioeconomic stratum, of the many walks of life...all the differences are impermanent. The great similarity, which is permanent, is what we are: the Self. Our forms are different, and ever-changing, and relative; our identity, our true self, is one and the same.

*

Who IS this "I"??? Who am I??? What is this I-ness???

This is truly the line of inquiry that will lead to Self-realization. Truly truly truly.

Everything's the same, everything's different, the I-ness changes everything once the I makes the breakthrough from little I to big I. Being the big I is the end of suffering, the beginning of transcendent waking bliss.

*

Entheogens may be too much too fast to help optimally with the process of Self-realization. It can help with initial awakening, but eventually I-ness itself becomes the ultimate powerful constant, self-existent, self-sustained entheogen. The layer upon layer the little I builds can sometimes be peeled away better without external help such as from teacher plants, as they are sometimes very subtle, and wear away best in the course of the day on their own accord, amidst the difficulties of everyday life and the epiphanies and awakenings that arise to deal with that particular layer when it's time for that layer to go.

*

The insecurity of the typical adult human "I" is both the problem and the solution to the problem. It's suffering to be this little "I" which is so demanding, so needful of propping up with externals, so insecure in general. Yet the profound solution to the problem of the suffering "I" is found in the "I"--to finally come to realize the "I" just is, that is, its being and its awareness just is. The "I"-ness is absolutely pure and real and inextinguishable--when there is a suffering "I" there is also the basis of the Self-realized I. The I is in fact the Self. Once realization of the I as Self has been fully experienced, the I-ness is experienced as the Self's I-ness, absolutely authentic, the real thing, absolutely secure and filled with the joy of our true nature, the Self.

To suffer from the limited perspective and false identity of the little I is in fact the impetus, the prerequisite, to transcending the little I. The I-ness will not go away...suffering will not go away. Something's got to give. Where is the suffering coming from? Not from the I-ness per se, but from the false beliefs of the little I. Give up false beliefs, all beliefs in fact, and experience firsthand how I-ness per se creates no suffering whatsoever. Only thoughts, beliefs, notions, delusions, conditioned thinking create suffering. Once this is understood, this paves the way to the direct experience of I-ness itself, that is, pure being, pure awareness, that just is throughout every lifetime.

Being in I-ness is the end of suffering, as the I who experiences the conditions of existence is the ultimate I--the Self, Brahman, the universe itself, living as every form, every being.

Self-realization is potentially available to everyone, as the Self is everyone. It only requires the individual to let go of all thoughts, desires, opinions, beliefs, and just be pure I-ness. The I-ness, that same I-ness as ever was, is recognized for what it is, which is the true self, the true identity, universal, eternal.

*

There is only one I. Everywhere there is an I, there is the same I. There is only one love, the One-I Love. We are either living as the universe, or we are living as a delusion. If everybody woke up the streets would be filled with people filled with wild joy and love and full recognition of ourselves and each other as the one I.

*

Theoretical, conceptual understanding of the existential truth "it's all in the mind" "heaven and hell are mental states" etc. can't prevent mental illness. That's what it is, mental illness, acute and/or chronic. Feeling sick ABOUT whatever. Psychological suffering, mental malaise. I speak from such a malaise--thinking about the hurricane aftermath, the world situation in general, my bank account...if existential nausea didn't exist, it would be necessary to invent it, and I would be the inventor.

It will take some time for me to recover, and when I do, it will be in the present. It might be right now. Whenever I wake up again...

*

Reinventing religion ad hoc to try to keep Salvia divinorum legal. So far the name most favored for this new church is "Temple of Nature" which directly refers to the ability of Salvia to directly refer people who use Salvia to nature, to remind them--us--that we are very much part of nature.

As much as I honor Buddhism and Hinduism and mystical Islam/Christianity/Judaism I prefer to leave these human inventions aside and go directly to the source, life itself. I see all these expressions of life, these manifestations of life, the plants and animals all around...I see life, and I look down and I look within and see life. I recall my first Salvia experience where I was engulfed by the vast universal life-entity, and realized I am an extension of this eternal life-entity.

The cells of this body rise and fall, form and die and re-form, new cells nourished by the components of the dead cells. So what really dies, ever? Every living being is a cell in the vast universal life-entity, in a form for a time, then unforming, is reabsorbed into the universal life-entity. So who ever dies? Who is living this life expressing itself through us? Life!

No wonder I only have eyes for living beings. Wherever life is, my attention is drawn thither.

A new religion that's very ancient, as old as life itself: worship of life. Worship of nature. Nature is our life, spreading out, assuming these beautiful forms, beautiful because they are alive. Life itself is beautiful, every expression of this one life--beautiful.

I look at every blade of grass, every leaf, every bird, every insect, every animal, and can only say, "So beautiful."

Human beings are animals, too, even though many of us are so deluded, so enslaved by thoughts, that we are out of touch with the life within us, all around us, the one life expressing through us, the one life that is so beautiful. We live one life. We are the life of life. It's not our life, it's life's life. These are life's eyes, and life is looking through them. This is all one life.

*

The natural disaster that struck the shores of this first-world nation--including places I've been--is reason to rethink how humans should live, given the instability of life on earth just about anywhere. In general, we should all be living a LOT more lightly on the earth, with extremely few possessions, and able to pull up stakes and migrate at a moment's notice without too much grief. Maybe it's not necessary to live in yurts, tepees or lean-to's, but to dig in and commit ourselves to a particular place with no thought of having to leave, for any reason, is folly. I speak as a homeowning fool, living in a houseful of crapola and up to my eyeballs in debt. I would much rather live in a trailer with the barest minimum of goodies and some cushion in the bank, and I may yet, if I can convince my mate that we are not born to be victims of the vampire lenders, bled white over and over, but to be carefree and living lightly.

People should all live lightly, with few possessions, as a tribe...ready to move if necessary, and damn if it isn't necessary to MOVE sometimes. Have little to lose, and lose little. Have much to lose, and lose much. Have nothing to lose, and lose nothing.

*

As someone led to believe being a 'thinker' was noble, that being 'lost in thought' was somehow admirable, it comes as some shock to finally realize, after a half-century, that the highest good is found in the present, paying attention to the surroundings, in other words being fully here, fully now, and fully alert, paying attention to what's going on around me. The essence of mind is what it is, and is how it is, which is wonderful pure emptiness...and in the context of transparent universal mind I owe it to the universe to pay attention to the here and now, to the surroundings...otherwise I might miss someone waving at me, or some other opportunity to communicate with the universe, to help make life a little easier for the universe in its sentient forms.

This ordinary everyday mind, this plain old awareness, is it! The Buddha Mind, the Universal Mind! This! Is! It!

We are truly all buddhas, every one of us, every aware being!

The Self is all, all is the Self.

*

Giving up who we think we are is the first step. After we awaken, the next step is to give up thinking about who we really are and just be This, this thing.

I get true words of advice from my cat--I hang on his every word.

In my morning muddle of workaday thoughts as I walk to work, I stop thinking and set my gaze upon the tender leaves of a morning glory growing in a planter under a streetlight. The silent truth of this living being reminds me of that which is real, the living truth of the universal lifespirit.

Restless thoughts, mind out of control, noisy headspace...humans so often strays from the source, the lifespirit. I should know, being at the mercy of thoughts for most of my life...attention grabbed by thoughts, impulses, emotions...the Attention Deficit Disorder called "normalcy" in a materialistic culture. 'Forget spirit, go for the ideologies, the beliefs, the assumptions, the toys.' I know this sickness very well. Be filled with selfish desires and selfish thoughts and be normal.

*

To realize the Self as oneself and oneself as the Self is to be home. At home, there is no hurry, no impulse to leave. Being home is where everyone wants to be.

*

The only way to end suffering is to end the sufferer, i.e., that nonexistent separate self which grasps onto things, fears, deludes and is deluded. While there is the self-replicating organism that is intent on survival and propagation, there is no self in that organism beyond the self intrinsic in cosmic energy, which is selfless.

When the universe recognizes itself within whatever form it has taken, it can only continue to be what it knows itself to be, which is the Self in all forms, and relate to every form in a profoundly filial fashion.

The cats at home manifest pure spirit, true nature. They recognize themselves in me, and I in them, as well we should. To hang out with the cats is a great way to spend the day. Peace and quiet, purring, furry delight. I look for other humans who are as good company to keep as the cats--such humans are exceedingly rare.

*

The banning of entheogens by prohibitionistic church and state entities is similar to their banning of books deemed dangerous to its members. Entheogens bear a message, information, that enables individuals to transcend the attempts of church, state, and family to control their minds, or, perhaps more accurately, entheogens have the potential to decondition people who have been painstakingly conditioned by church, state, family, and culture. The ability to think independently, and critically, is undesirable to those who wish to have authority over others. Taken to the extreme, entheogens call into question the primacy of thoughts and thinking in general, and show the individual the way to an existence characterized by pure awareness, pure being, pure bliss, in the realization of one's true identity: selfless universal eternal cosmic energy, called by some the Self.

*

It's not necessary to have blind faith, or to believe, or to believe in, anything. All we need is right before us, right within us, all around us, all the time, everywhere. Wherever there's awareness, there's all the proof.

The mind in its essence is transparent, empty, vast--look at it. Look at the nothingness of it, the emptiness of it. Look right at it, and live accordingly. Let all agitation, all discord, fall away in the vast emptiness all around, and live in the great peace.

Nothing is always with us. Find refuge that never fails in Nothing. In This. Everything rises and falls in Nothing.

*

A huge powerful hurricane is threatening to destroy New Orleans at the moment. The city is built below sea level, and the aftermath could be a disaster of biblical proportions--certainly widespread destruction and consequent homelessness.

This is a good time to cultivate an understanding of the impermanence of all things, especially if one lives in the path of this hurricane.

Even in the relative safety of Ohio I anticipate a wet basement and higher gasoline prices from Hurricane Katrina. And the usual endless scraping-by trying to make ends meet as the ends grow farther apart in this rather apocalyptic situation in general. The interconnectedness so obvious, the earth and all that lives upon it sharing fate and fortune as one.

My role evidently is to sell Brahman to a Brahman-hungry clientele. Selling ice to Eskimos, in other words. The Self, and the Right Mind.

Two suggestions for a good life: 1. Be in your Right Mind. 2. Love one another, the Self loving the Self. The Right Mind is that beautiful natural self-existent transparent Awareness that we come equipped with. The Right Mind is vast, empty, peaceful, pure. In the Right Mind it is only natural to be hospitable to all that appear in the Right Mind. In the Great Dream, in the Right Mind, beauty is found in the love shared by the Self with the Self. Every being is the Self. There is only the Self. Whatever outward form the Self takes, especially if that form doesn't know it's the Self and the Self mistakes its identity with its form, is to be loved unconditionally. The responsibility of beings that know they are the Self is to love all beings unconditionally. It's the only thing to do, and it's only natural.

The impermanence of all things--except for the Self and the Right Mind.

As Self, there is no self whatsoever--any more than the sun has a self, or the earth has a self. We are earth, sun, sky, ocean, cosmic energy--all This--and no self, even though we call it the Self.

What lives and dies was never born, never dies, is no-one. Only the universe, the Self, which has no self whatsoever.

*

"Going all the way" that juicy adolescent slang for giving in totally sexually, full sexual intercourse, with a willing member of the opposite sex, is a good term to use with regard to the individual's relationship with the universe. It's our birthright to 'go all the way' with the universe, exploring our relationship with it to such an extent that we can't help but be pulled in by it, to fall in love with it, and become one with it. Actually, 'going all the way' is more of a noetic act, a perfection of understanding, 'right understanding' as the Buddhists would call it--we are already one with the universe, and as such, we have no self whatsoever.

The peaceful transparent vast mind, our real mind, is ours, and we can live in it if we so choose. The problem is, agitated thoughts scare it away much as a cat would be kept away from us if we moved too aggressively...the true mind, like the cat, will come to us on its own accord, and once established, will remain with us. To be in our 'right mind', our true mind, the essence of mind, the natural mind, the mind as it really is, is security, complete security. We can only feel like purring, with this big beautiful cat embracing us all our days--the true mind.

*

The religion practiced by modern society is Motorism. Motorism worships the god Motor, who makes all things possible. Motor is a god of power, and speed. His worshipers, Motorists, have miraculous powers, the powers of Motor as expressed through Motorists. Motorism conquers every foe, and time and space. There is no desire that can't be fulfilled by the application of sufficient Motive power, be it via nuclear reactor, nuclear bomb, submarine, tank, motorcycle, automobile, truck, jet aircraft, earth mover, helicopter or any controlled or uncontrolled release of energy. Motorism is fire-worship for this day and age.

*

Not real.
Not unreal.
Both real and unreal.
Neither real nor unreal.

For years and years, starting in early adulthood, unable to shake the dreamlike character of this sentient existence. It's not a psychiatric disorder after all. It's not clinical depersonalization. It is all truly a dream.

*

Awareness.

As I walked to work, a familiar face greeted me as he walked past me. He hadn't seen me since I cut my hair unusually short recently, and he commented as he approached, "new look." I replied, "for now."

I could have easily said "I'll take your word for it" as I don't see my 'new look' unless I look in a mirror, or hear comments from others.

The point being, this awareness is truly formless, seeing everything but this body, every face but this face, every form but this form. Awareness itself is formless, faceless, ageless, genderless, absolutely empty and transparent, containing all things yet in itself nothingness.

Awareness is a universal property of life. Every living form has awareness. Plants have awareness, so close to sunlight, sunlight's awareness. Energy conjoined in form is aware of the flows and changes of energy within its form. Sudden deviations of form perceived by the form. A stone forcibly broken is awarenes of its breakage, at some level.

Awareness is universal energy, eternal, aware of itself. Wherever there is awareness there is spirit, universal and eternal.

Spirit permeates emptiness, emptiness permeates spirit. The universe of spirit experiences itself changing in form, ceaselessly, forever. Spirit is neither created nor destroyed, only changing, spontaneously, in form.

These eyes, this awareness, is spirit eyes, spirit awareness: these eyes are not mine alone, but the eyes of spirit. Every eye is the eye of spirit.

*

Everyone is in the process of waking up. Or rather, there is this universal being that is waking up within us, individually and collectively. Some people are in deep sleep, barely dreaming, let alone awakening. Some people are bright-eyed bushy-tailed awake, and go about the business of awakened life in the cosmic dreamscape, a lucid dream that never ends.

Every effort should be made to first of all, stop all violence against sentient life, at least human life. Then, to provide for the needs of all human life, globally, so that everyone has the basic necessities for health and well-being. This is nothing short of the radical redistribution of wealth: the needs of the many do indeed outweigh the wants of the few. There need not be poverty; there need not be excessive wealth. The ideal is a global standard of living that provides the basic necessities to every human being: food, clothing, shelter, sanitation, water, education, medical care, security, sustainability, dignity, no more, no less. The per-capita consumption of energy and resources should be enough to sustain a comfortable, healthy way of life, and providing access to the knowledge of humanity via books and Internet and institutions of learning. The amount of energy and resources to sustain a healthy, dignified, enriched life need not be excessive, and need not be unsustainable, or unaffordable, or have any deleterious impact on the biosphere whatsoever. An awakened humanity can accomplish this now, if they so choose. It will be a sign of collective awakened-ness when humanity is living in harmony with all things and each other, when no-one lives in want, no-one is alienated.

*

Nisargadatta is my guru, even though 'he' is very much mahasamadhi. The genius to know there is no-one, only This.

This.

Just This.

Not me, not you, not us, not them, just This. Only This.

Pure awareness, ubiquitous awareness. The same awareness wherever. 'twas ever This. 'twill ever be This.

Without adding a thing, fully complete, fully perfect. The human mind ensured survival, now we have the luxury of determining "survival for what?" What's the point of survival, having this human mind? Survival for the sake of survival, surely. And while surviving, there's this awareness of awareness that's emerged. Hmm.

So what is the point, the purpose, of human existence, that we can determine for ourselves?

I assign the purpose, in a universe that only is Thisness, is to realize our Thisness, and enjoy simultaneously being both temporal and eternal; of being both personal and impersonal; of being both localized and omnipresent.

"Ourselves" -- psht! There is only the self-less Self. What a dream This is.

*

Peace and quiet, a common term, mostly applied to old folks who often seek it, cherish it, sorely miss it when it's absent. Getting up early, having a light breakfast, sitting down in the comfy chair with the morning paper and several cats. All is peaceful, all is quiet, some soft purring, that's it. Peace and quiet. A little time, a little space. I wish everyone peace and quiet.

Well, peace anyway. Pulled out the guitar and savored the joy of musicmaking. Sang a song of peace, of spirit. Spirit likes to sing and be sung to.

Walking on the way to work, caught myself despairing over the ways of human beings, the money-materialism game which I don't seem to be able to play very well lately. Good thing I'm able to be non-attached to things like money, goods, services. The despair comes when I'm attached, and grieve a little bit over anticipated losses of accustomed accoutrements.

The thing is, I caught how awareness was caught up in thoughts, all there was was thoughts. Ugh. Even walked past Finney Chapel lost in thoughts ordinaire.

Back to the moment, remembering awareness, remembering spirit, remembering peace, finding peace and quiet in my very spirit, which happens to be that ubiquitous spirit. So it's mine, but not mine; not mine, but mine. There is no me to say mine. There is only This, there is only Spirit. The whole universe is still a singularity of energy, one plenipotentiary spirit. Anyone can know just enough to be dangerous; same goes for knowing just enough to reclaim the One Eternal Identity.

*

There's a place through which I walk frequently, over many years, that is conducive to a fuller awareness, a deeper insight. This morning was no different--walking to work, walking down the sidewalk next to Finney Chapel going west, I broke out into a big grin such was the clarity of the insight. Everyone has within the most stunning, the most wonderful, the most excellent Thing imaginable. Yes...Awareness...yes...Being...and yes...a wild inexpressible bliss...there we have it, again, and again, and again, the summit of human attainment: Being-Awareness-Bliss, a.k.a. Sat-Chit-Ananda. What is so amazing is that every being already has it all, lacking nothing. So there I am, walking down the street, in Sat-Chit-Ananda and breaking out in a big grin.

Every little baby should grow up and be so lucky. We are all born with what we need for Sat-Chit-Ananda.

Instead, little babies are steered into directions of abject miserable duality and alienation from our birthright, from our true nature.

I sometimes teach emergency medical techniques to small groups of people--it's honest work, and helps pay the bills. But how good it would be to have the luxury of time and context to work with people who are obviously little babies steered wrong and not having a very good time...to show them what they have, to show them what they are, to set them on the way to Sat-Chit-Ananda.

I also sometimes practice prehospital emergency medical techniques, which is also honest work, and also helps pay the bills. As potentially life-saving the tubes, gadgets, wires, needles, medications and fluids may be, my forte is extremely low-tech: old-time medicine, heart-to-heart, mind-to-mind, eye-to-eye. Soul medicine.

Human beings need a course correction, individually and collectively. We need to get back to the most important things, all low-tech: love, tolerance, patience, selflessness. We should be a planet of Buddhas, we ARE a planet of Buddhas, the problem is all those little babies have been led to believe they are not Buddhas, but separate selves, to live for that separate self, or for clans of separate selves.

*

Forever stuck in the present with me,
And what a me I find me to be:
Mind empty and vast as the sky,
Everywhere I look, there am I.

*

There is only This, no me, no you, no us, no them.

It's enough just to be one with the surroundings--it's not necessary to try to be one with everything. To be fully awake and aware in the present, in these very surroundings, is enough. Only hot dog vendors should make us one with everything.

*

There's some controversy over a television program that dramatizes the U.S.-Iraq military debacle. One Iraq 'war' veteran is especially critical of the show's theme song refrain, "someone has to die." NO, he says, no-one has to die. With that I agree, and disagree.

Dying in an ideology-driven war, like suffering in general, happens, just as any 'shit' happens. It is happening, as long as there are beings deluded into duality, which is the vast majority of human beings. Duality is the cause of suffering, duality is the cause of war, of all violence and misery.

There need not be suffering, misery, violence, war, but there is, and it is all happening because people are dualistic.

Nonduality is the only cure. Love is nonduality, wisdom is nonduality, self-less-ness is nonduality. Love thine erstwhile enemy, for he is also thee.

The presence of nonduality is recognized by the presence of unconditional love, the presence of unshakable peace, the presence of unfathomable wisdom. To realize nonduality is to realize, and to be, the source of all virtue.

In nonduality there is no-one left to fight, no-one to call enemy, only One to be, only One to love.

Being nondual means loving yourself in every form, the One loving itself.

There is no easy way to acquire a hunger for nonduality other than through suffering. Suffering provides the motivation to seek a way out of suffering. The mass of dualistic people must suffer, individually and collectively. On an individual basis, private suffering provides the impetus to find the wisdom, peace, and love that emanates from the One, from Oneness, from nonduality. Some individuals find their way to nonduality, and all suffering ends within that individual. The individual is 'saved' from himself, from his dualistic delusion. The individual also realizes his essence resides in all individuals, that he in fact is still suffering--in the suffering of other individuals who have not realized Oneness. The One is present in everyone, everything. Some parts of the One find an end to suffering upon recognizing the One within them as their true self.

The work cut out for nondualistic, self-realized beings is to constantly be nondualistic, self-realized beings first and foremost. This provides the energy, the purity, to manifest unconditional love, unshakable peace and unfathomable wisdom, to provide an example, to blaze a trail, for all those who hunger for the wild joy and absolute freedom of the true self, whether or not they know what exactly they are hungering for. We are all Buddhas, learning the hard way how to stop pretending we're anything but Tathagata, the Real One.

*

The prospect of a bona fide, recognized church or ministry using Salvia divinorum as one of its sacraments is rather exciting. There are many people who feel an overwhelming entheogenic calling to the ministry--I certainly feel such a calling. This calling basically revolves around two objectives: 1. Individual and collective liberation from conditioned-mindedness. 2. Preservation of the earth from the ravages of conditioned-minded human beings. Salvia produces a state of unconditioned being, of pure awareness and deep realization of our true nature. Salvia, a plant of the earth, is a messenger and message from the earth, calling us back to unity with the earth. We are the earth, the earth is us. Neither our individual bodies nor Spaceship Earth can long tolerate the accelerating accumulation of toxins in air, water, soil, and mind. The machines must be made fewer, the forest must be allowed to reclaim what was once its own, individuals must reclaim their true nature, their earth nature, and live simple, joyful, wholesome lives in sustainability and harmony with all life.

*

In this pure natural awareness originating from the wellspring of life. All that exists is this. Dreamlike in awareness. Waking up in awareness, in this dream.

The desecration of the earth is caused by those who don't know they are the earth, who are asleep in the delusion of separate self. The earth is waking up in us, healing us, and through us the earth will heal itself.

*

To not be reincarnated means to no longer have a notion of separate self, to no longer foist the notion of separate self upon beings, particularly young impressionable human beings. The notion of separate selfhood stubbornly persists from generation to generation, and it is the responsibility of the liberated being of no separate self to disabuse the members of his greater being from that stubborn, erroneous, painful notion.

*

"Do not be too interested in Zen." --Shunryu Suzuki, Zen Master

"Do not be too interested in nonduality." --me

Nonduality is so incredibly subtle, and so incredibly obvious. The mind is pure formlessness and one with all form. Every point every where totally immersed, totally the center of it all.

Lovely nonduality, the balm for the perfectionistic critic who seldom knew peace.

Just as it is, is perfect. Only erroneous view makes it seem otherwise. The environment and the organism are one being.

Nolo contendere. No contest. I can't fight myself.

*

I hear, and heed, the advice of the 3rd Chinese Patriarch from the 'Hsin Hsin Ming' to "stop holding views" and to "stop cherishing opinions." Being critical is exhausting, and I've been a lifelong critic. Now I must rest, and relax, and melt, and still pay the bills. Thanks to non-grasping and the beautiful emptiness of Mind, in this very moment I find the rest that has eluded me most of my waking life thus far. I can understand how Eckhart Tolle could only sit on the park bench for years upon realizing this.

*

Entheogens are like booster rockets to attain the orbit of nonduality. Once we reach orbit, there is no need for booster rockets, unless the orbit starts to decay...then little thrusters are sufficient. The choice of little thrusters is still fairly wide, despite the current materialistic plutocratic theocratic police state the United States government has become. It's still legal to meditate, to contemplate, to chant, to read the words of nondualistic beings, to take long walks in the forest, to chew the leaves of Salvia divinorum...

*

There is no emptiness in empty space, there is no solidity in solid matter. All density gradients of the same stuff. The cloud of cosmic energy is condensing and sublimating itself within itself.

*

Bicycling between ripening corn field and soybean field, my life-force awareness keened by Salvia divinorum, glad to be able to survive on corn and beans. I stop and enter the edge of a bean field, and see hidden the exquisite tiny flowers of the soybean, and the furry pods, and the dark green vibrant leaves. I thank the beans, and pluck a flower, a pod, and a leaf, and chew them. Later I find a corn field, thank the corn, and find a succulent ear to shuck and eat, it's very sweet. Symbolic actions, a ritual, a reminder, a covenant with the earth, air, water, sun, flora and fauna surrounding me. 'Take, eat, this is my body.'

There is magic, charm, enchantment in the natural world, in all that lives, in the life-force, the vibrant turgor of all that lives. The same life in all, the same face in every face, the same eye looking out upon itself.

I surrender to this magic, I can't fight it, why would I want to fight it...the daydreaminess of existence, the unshakable trance from the cosmic dance that never ends...

*

My refuge is my own right mind, my own true self. The essence of mind is vast, empty, formless, untroubled. The true self is essence of mind, essence of mind is true self, and vast, formless, empty, untroubled. True self is no self at all; true mind is no mind at all. In emptiness all things rise and fall.

Re-reading the Bhagavad-Gita, and enjoying the description of Brahman, the universal body. The universe is eternally alive, aware, transforming, sleeping, awakening, falling asleep again, growing, withering, all things rising from and returning to it, actually never leaving it, actually never anything separate from it, or different from it, all things it, it all things.

What to do as a a self-realized form of It? Aside from enjoying being It, seeing It in all forms, and loving It in all forms with the love of It, with the eyes of It, seeing It in every eye...caring for each other, loving each other. That's all.

What is so hard about caring for each other, within families, within communities, within nations, between nations, worldwide? Why do so many have not enough to live, and too many have many times over what they need to live extremely well?

The world has become smaller and smaller. The suffering of some people can no longer be unknown by the rest of humanity. The starvation and poverty and disease and oppression suffered by some people is everyone's suffering. Everyone must have, can have, enough clean water, enough good food, enough shelter and clothing and fuel and medical care and education. Everyone can live a long, healthy, secure life, taking care and being taken care of.

The starving farmer in Niger should get what any human being should have, no less; the obese pampered privileged Saudi prince should get what any human being should have, no more. There is enough to meet everyone's genuine needs; there will never be enough to meet everyone's wants. Desire is the cause of suffering, 'tis true--desires, and attachments. Desires enslave the desirer, and impoverish humanity.

*

The universe is intrinsically merciful, not having any self, not having any discrimination, not having any judgment, not having any preferences, only having the flow of its own energy, and its own energy interacting with itself. This energy is aware and interconnected, all of a piece. There is awareness permeating the universe, the awareness of the universe, aware only of itself, of its flows and transmutations within its infinite eternal body.

That spacious, wholesome, totally free state of being while outdoors, under the open sky, in the midst of nature. This is the self that is no-self, the real, the emptiness.

There is the illusion of wealth based on money, goods, services, fulfillments of desires. There is another wealth, existential wealth, the ability to abide in the present, and find being and awareness alone the greatest wealth, for this is the being and awareness of the cosmos itself. There is nothing more meaningful. Once meaning has reached a certain intensity, there is a flashover point where the experiencer and the experienced are fully realized as one, and at this point there is nothing, no-one; this is the destiny of all those individuals of pure intent who earnestly search for ultimate meaning. As cosmos, the individual has always had eternal life. A willingness to voluntary lose individuality is required in order to reach the ultimate meaning.

*

The Roman Catholic mass, glorious as it is, misleads people into thinking that Christ will rise somewhere else, in the future, when in fact Christ rises within each of us, now, when we awaken to the reality of the living omnipresent One. How many people have lived out their lives in a deluded state, completely out of touch with their true nature, missing the opportunity to 'rise again' in this very body. Christ can't 'rise again' when the living vessel has been conditioned to believe Christ is elsewhere, a separate being.

I can see the presence or absence of the risen Christ in the eyes of people; if Christ has 'risen' in them, their eyes are as bright as the noonday sun, fully awake, fully alive; if Christ is still 'sleeping' in them their gaze is vacant or wandering, their attention fixated on things of thought and things appearing in mind, mostly things of thought, opinions, memories, imaginings, fears and desires of a fictitious separate self, a role being played with deadly seriousness. Christ is in all, Christ is all form, yet when living forms convince each other they are separate beings, separate selves, Christ becomes hidden from himself, and believes in the existence of a transcendent Christ-being who is elsewhere, someone else.

Perhaps entheogens are banned by church and state because they dissolve the delusion of separateness from God; once the delusion is seen for what it is, the undeluded being is no longer able to be manipulated by church and state or deluded beings. Unwilling to kill or consume or have blind faith and unquestioning belief for God and country, unconditioned beings are not who church and state want in their ranks. Banning entheogens is actually banning unconditioned beings.

*

Feeling immersed in energy, which I am, as if underwater, within a very viscous fluid, where there is no boundary, no separation, between me and the ocean in whose midst I am a point of awareness. My bones are suspended in this. All that I am now, suspended forever in the midst of it, never leaving, never separate.

*

How delightfully ironic, to find that I've always been what I've been looking for. And that That is utterly impossible to confine to words. All those years of reading, writing, spelling, grammar, and getting so good at words, and words now fail. Ha ha ha.

What else is there to do for eternity but laugh in the sky of mind.

*

Feeling extremely misanthropic this morning--maybe it'd be more accurate to say that I am not suffering human institutions very gladly. What people believe to be sophisticated I believe to be crass; what people believe to be intelligent I believe to be ignorant. When people are in the grip of neckties and groupthink I run away, gagging.

It doesn't help to be rather stuck in a way of life that requires a certain amount of money to sustain. Had I known then what I know now I would be living out of a backpack, quite happily. The acquiring of things and debts is a curse that only death or non-attachment could lift. If it were up to me, I would sell everything, pay off all the debts, and head for the hills. But it's not up to me, so I must instead make the best of it.

I've been riding the recumbent bicycle almost obsessively lately, as a means of escape from depression primarily. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Last evening I was on the return leg, in the home stretch, and started singing about following my bliss. It's important to be following one's bliss, not just to enjoy the bliss, but to be blissful and therefore be a 'blissing' to others. Bliss is contagious. Real bliss can't be hid, or contained.

I had a great deal of bliss as a child, before my neighborhood was rent asunder by the Interstate, before my parents separated, before I moved from place to place and parent to parent. The dark underbelly of the adult world became my world, and my world was not very blissful for many years.

Picking up the pieces now, keeping the pieces that have heart, that produce bliss. The natural world. Plants. Animals. Musical instruments. Writing. Reading. Walking. Bicycling. Giving and receiving good vibes. Singing. Praying, yes...praying. When all else fails, I pray, to whom, to what, I don't know. Just being prayer-full, wishing for the best for all, helps me get back to bliss. I may be praying to the totality of all sentient beings in fact. When I pray for all, to all, I'm including myself, my Self, which is the totality, the ongoing, omnipresent, omniscient totality.

Nonduality is the prize piece, first prize, Best Of Show. Nonduality is Brahman. Brahman is all there is. Nonduality means being able to say "I AM THAT" and THAT......is called Brahman.

The continuing saga of the nisarga jnana yogi...

*

Although I have been an indiscriminating omnivore for much of my life, it has been my experience that veganism--eating plants and plant-derived foods only--is worth practicing, for every good reason. If circumstances allow a vegan diet, which most likely they will, it is the ideal way of eating, not only because of the benefits to the individual, but also to the world. To the individual: good health, good vibrations (veganism is good karma, nonviolent, peaceful, very 'sattvic' and full of light), and less expense (with the notable exceptions of grossly overpriced soy milks and meat substitutes); to the world: less consumption of water and arable land, less pollution of waterways, less suffering in the animal kingdom, and more efficient use of available land, water, resources. When I am eating vegan I can look cows, chickens, pigs, turkeys and fish in the eye and telepathically commune with them, assuring them that I wish only for their freedom and well-being, for them as much as for myself and every human.

I have fed my cats a vegan diet for a period of time a while back, and they survived quite well on it. Alas, the vegan cat food source was not as cost-effective as supermarket cat food, and I gave up making vegan cat food. I would like to resume feeding them the vegan formula, which they seemed to enjoy, as soon as our budget allows. Meat-based cat food helps perpetuate the holocaust of beings who are unlucky enough to be born non-human and easily domesticated, killed, and processed, so I would like to get the cats off this stuff eventually.

My spouse loves to eat all kinds of meat. Although I would be very happy if she stopped eating meat, I will respect her choice, and not make myself--and others--unhappy by being an intolerant Food Nazi. I have the freedom to eat what I choose, so does everyone else.

*

Nothing like a loved one's death--anyone's death--to remind one of the livingness taken so totally for granted. Silently this electric aliveness, silently this electric awareness, fully our being complete, with us, as us, all along--life arising from life, awareness arising from awareness...then life and awareness get taken for granted, and in its place come the belief systems, ideologies, names, roles, identities, family and tribe and nation and species...stereotyped behavior, stereotyped thinking patterns, stereotyped perspective...all the while livingness and awareness is silently present as our true being, our true self. Just to be this real, constant presence of living energy and living awareness, and to savor its universal presence, knowing it goes on and on and on in all forms, as all forms, as one vast, eternal formless form.

*

Attended a Roman Catholic burial mass for a beloved cousin-in-law yesterday. As much as I love the chakra-raising effects of the mass--truly a masterpiece of spiritual technology--I felt frustrated by the implicit dualism in the liturgy. It's always in the future; it's always about Jesus Christ. According to this theology, only JC reserves the right to be nondualistic; it's only on the Last Day that the Dead Shall Rise. Eww. No wonder the hard-core RCs eschew cremation.

I love the high-chakra universal love aspect of RC, though. Too bad the belief system has ossified in dualism. What this old venerable church needs is mescaline in the Host, for all those who are ready to make Now the 'Last Day.'

It's all about living in light and love Now; it's all about seeing light and love Now; it's all about being light and love now. There is One Life, One Light, One Love, shining in every face. This One is the Many; when a form of the One perishes, as it must, it is reabsorbed, nourishing the One, nourishing the One's many forms. The One never dies, although its forms trans-form into other forms incessantly. This trans-formation gives every form eternal life, in the forms of other forms.

Which is why it's so distasteful to hermetically seal human corpses--hanging on to the old rotting form, not letting it trans-form naturally, without any delay. I may not be able to have this body buried in the woods, unembalmed, in a biodegradable bag, but I can at least request that it be burned in a very hot flame and return the fats and proteins to the air, and the minerals to the earth, as good fertilizer. I hope I can convince my wife to go with cremation as well. Maybe if I told her the way my imagination works overtime I could not help but imagine her body lying underground, in fetid darkness, remaining more or less intact for a very long time. Bleah.

Such things as funereal customs are small potatoes really. Must work on being a conduit of love in the Now. The book that's being written by that grand anonymous Author is written in the imperishable medium of spirit. Love is the underlying theme of this living eternal work-in-progress.

From time to time I'll remember my first, and greatest, Salvia journey: 3.5 grams of plain dried leaf, rehydrated and chewed as an experiment to see if Salvia divinorum had any effects on me. I sat in the empty little upstairs room on a folding chair and proceeded to encounter the presence of the God/dess of Nonduality Hirself, a swirling mass of compelling power. I was just ready enough at that moment to surrender to this One, and become it, and become evermore aware that I am an extension of it, and that my purpose in life is to share its love for all its extensions with all extensions. A benign octopus-like plant-animal being with tentacles and tendrils lovingly reaching out and embracing all beings, all tentacles and tendrils of itself. I cannot fear such a being, as this being is total love, as this being is what I am.

What is it about nonduality that is so hard for people to understand, to accept, to embrace, to live? It's not just wonderful, it happens to be bedrock real.

*

I used to have a recurring fantasy of what it would be like to just wander around, becoming part of various families at random, 'just passing through' and experiencing what life is like in Anywhere, Somewhere. That fantasy has become the reality of my situation, when seen with the correct perspective. I have taken on the life of this guy Bill--I AM the life of this mythical 'Bill'--and am in the midst of all the relationships Bill has. Bill, for all his easygoingness, does have his misanthropic, cynical side, being a harsh critic of human civilization. This has led to a good deal of angst and quiet desperation on his part, and he has let fly with an occasional unkind word, revealing some very unkind thoughts. Bill is very thin-skinned, and does not suffer willful fools very gladly. When he was confronted by a foul-mouthed lout toxic with road rage at the long line at a local gas station Bill became filled, silently but overwhelmingly, with the most exquisite righteous indignation, a state of perfect total contempt for loud, ignorant, hostile individuals, the all-too-common spawn of a decadent materialistic culture, of a civilization in a state of moral and economic decline.

Eventually Bill let go of himself and let me resume control, as he was being burned alive by the fire of his own frustration, sickened by his own disgust.

Fortunately Bill did not burn his bridges to get back to the One.

I wish for the highest happiness for all. That highest happiness has to be in the present, and it is. The highest happiness is to be aware of Awareness, and then to just be Awareness, plain old universal Awareness, that Light in everyone. It's the same Light shining in everyone. It never dies, it keeps shining on and on in every face, young and old.

*

It's possible to be in one's 'higher self' mode to the extent one is willing, and able, to be so. This weekend I experienced the 'lower self' as well as the 'higher self' manifesting from me and from others. The 'higher self' is light, is peace, is pure awareness; the 'lower self' is anger, is fear, is ignorance, is limited fixated attention on objects in the mind, including sense objects. The 'lower self' is in an adversarial, dualistic relationship with itself and others; the 'higher self' is in an all-embracing, all-accepting nondualistic relationship, pure awareness, and aware that the awareness is universally present, expressions of the One.

This weekend I experienced the extremes of existential qualities: from painful ugliness to blissfully beatific. How relieved I am to be able to let go and see and be that Light, that Awareness, that's in me, in everyone.

Going to funeral shenanigans of a beloved cousin-in-law. It could be a joyful Irish wake, I hope...it could also be very, very sad, the burden of the closest survivors, left to deal with the very real problems of the living. The death itself relieves the deceased of all cares, all responsibilities. If only the living could find a way to get past the cares, the responsibilities. It is possible to be 'pre-deceased' and regard one's remaining days among the living as carefree freebies, knowing that the captain of this fleshy vessel is pure Light, pure Awareness, the living universal energy of the One. That's how I'm living this life now, this life I have reclaimed, repossessed, from the former and fictitious self-proclaimed owner with the given name of William Arden Ruth. What my name is now, goes nameless. There is Awareness, there is Light, there is living universal energy, and there is One with many manifestations. This One has no name. Awesome, huh?

*

Humans are the only animals who let themselves become sleep-deprived. As one of these depleted wretches at the moment, I yearn for rest, renewal, recharging, restoration. This yucky tired feeling is in fact a form of illness, of dis-ease. If I had my ease, I'd have been in bed long enough to feel better than I do now. The only thing worse than sleep deprivation is having to keep going while sleep-deprived, working or driving or tending to the children. Hell on earth. My cats have sense enough to sleep most of the day and night--no wonder they look wise and playful and content.

With complete sincerity I pray that all people may get all the sleep they need. Humans need not be zombie martyrs. I respect people who respect themselves enough to get the sleep they need to be whole and happy.

*

Taking my lunch at home, I have about twenty minutes to stretch out and rest. Sometimes I will be in a hypnogogic state, sometimes fully awake, and sometimes fully relaxed. To have a moment of complete relaxation is very therapeutic on all levels. The big existential problem has been solved: how to be comfortable in the eternal present, in this very body, in this very mind. There is rest to be found in this moment: no self-torture, no agitation, no dreary drudgery. In this very moment, for everyone who wants it, is Sat-Chit-Ananda, Being-Awareness-Bliss. It is what we are, which is Brahman.

Nonduality rules!

*

En route to Here, planning for Now.

I look at my species one way and see us hell-bent for self-destruction, having lost our way utterly. The rest of the natural world is at our mercy as well. I look at my species another way and see that it is doing what it obviously was destined to do, to "monkey with" things, for good or ill. Lots of good, lots of ill, have come about from such monkeying. Now that we are finding out what we CAN do, we need to develop the wisdom to know if we SHOULD.

The Space Shuttles are grounded until further notice. Some humans wised up enough to realize that risking human lives to go up into low earth orbit is just plain stupid.

Meanwhile, back on Earth, some humans have made a pact with the natural world to be true to it, and it alone. I see with the eyes of life, and see my true self in every living being, in the water, in the air, in the ground, in the Sun, in the stars. All this, without need of dangerous, expensive rockets.

*

Just as I thought, 'business' IS 'busy-ness.' What business is done when there is no Doer?

It's always a matter of Starting Now. And, if need be, Ending Now.

It's all Now. Always Now.

Fully engaged, fully merged, At-One-Ment. With At-One-Ment, there is no death, no birth, even though always dying, always being born, as the One That Always Is. At-one-ment before birth, at-one-ment now, at-one-ment after death, at-one-ment always, as the One is Always.

*

The ones to whose authority alone I submit include plants and animals and earth and sky. The ones to whose self-wrought authority I cannot recognize are the apes who wear clothes and ideologies.

I tell my beloved cat Furbananda I'm all his, he is the Supreme Being, Ruler of the Universe, the One In Charge. He is a totally innocent, pure spirit with fangs and fur. I walk to work and look down upon the tiny flowers and tiny leaves covered with raindrops, and submit to their silent authority as well. Plants are highly evolved, and I defer to their superior wisdom.

I hear of the struggles of businesspeople trying to financially survive, and feel more and more like H.D. Thoreau, lamenting the legion of the quietly desperate who spend their time trying to find a way to get people to buy their wares rather than finding a way to get along without them. The level of business that makes sense to me is to provide a necessary or life-enhancing good or service that one believes in, and that can support a simple, frugal way of life. Nisargadatta's cigarette shop is a case in point: he provided a pleasurable psychoactive performance-enhancing herb (tobacco) to customers while deeply immersed in the practice and propagation of nonduality. It's too bad he couldn't have made a living selling herbal tea instead of tobacco.

So we do what we do to pay the bills, and continue to be expressions of That, and Thatness...or is it This, and Thisness...or is it Is, and Isness...Such, and Suchness...Isness is my real business. Busy with Isness. Must look into connection between Busyness and Business...if they are one and the same, then business is incompatible with the oceanic stillness of nonduality. Is the universe concerned with 'staying busy' or 'keeping busy'?

I'm not so old and decrepit that I can justify being weary of worldly life, yet I am weary of it. I'm weary of work and weary of worry about money. I'm weary of what humans are doing to the natural world. I seek rest, refuge, reprieve, return. I am finished, done with it all. Busy busy humans, you can have it all. Good night.

*

Reading about the asteroids that may strike our planet someday, as they have throughout geological history. Reflecting about the even more clearer and more present danger of the effects human beings are having on the planet. I love people, I hate what people are doing to the planet. The immense physical suffering people are bringing upon themselves, through overconsumption, overpopulation, ideology-driven warfare, with no end in sight, except The End of Life As We Know It.

Hearing the high-tech boosterism accompanying the space shuttle launch this morning. "Finding out the secrets of the universe...finding mankind's place in the universe...exploring the universe...Moon, Mars, and Beyond..." What put it all together for me was while this high-tech marvel was straining to leave Earth's loving gravity grasp, roaring and belching flame and vapor, a bird near the microphone casually sang his beautiful little song, heard well above the distant din.

Just as I felt the pre-emptive war against Iraq was a mistake, so too I feel the manned space program is a mistake, even though I grew up in awe of the space program. The 'space race' is nothing more than nationalistic hubris, a feel-good extravaganza requiring money and resources better spent on saving the Earth, in particular finding a way that our species may survive in harmony with the Earth. If we directed our efforts and enthusiasms toward a sustainable future we could have a sustainable future.

Like a concerned parent helplessly watching his child make unwise decisions with harsh consequences, I can only accept the inevitability of the human species making one mistake after another, always learning--the Hard Way. It's too bad the Earth has to get so bollixed-up before people wake up and want what they should have long wanted and striven toward: a sustainable future, a decent quality of life for everyone. To hell with the lifeless void of space, let's have clean air, clean water, a high quality of life for everyone in harmony with the Earth, a balanced richly biodiverse biosphere.

*

This morning checked on the Salvias and noted that many leaves wilted from the extreme heat. Found a small healthy leaf and plucked it, and chewed it, and while walking to work noticed the presence of that reminder to honor all life, to recognize all life, to identify with all life. The old cat who occasionally hunts around my house walked slowly up to me, and instead of snubbing him as a 'bad cat' or unwelcome intruder I held out my hand and caressed his head with the back of my hand, a simple act of communication and communion. Likewise I greet the stranger on the bicycle and the workman, and everyone I meet.

We all have the most beautiful mind, the most beautiful lifeforce, the most beautiful being. Universal mind, universal lifeforce, universal being. Truly the illness of the mind is what divides the unity, what discriminates, what turns unity into self and other, good and bad. Alienation from the unity is hell, realization of the unity is heaven.

*

With incredible timeliness and unbelievable serendipity I open a pulp science fiction anthology periodical and turn to a story about a teenager overdosing on a fictional drug called Z, or Zen, or Zombie, that results in the death of the 'I'...

When I reflect on who's really the One who's aware, alive, moving, breathing in this point within the universe arbitrarily called "Bill" I also experience the end of the existence of this "Bill" and the resumption of the existence of this being called life, or the universe, or the primordial energy, which is all that I am. Who I am depends on who's looking at me. When "Bill" is looking at me I'm "Bill"; when life, the universe, the primordial energy is looking at me I am life, the universe, the primordial energy. When other people look at me they see "Bill" or they see my outward appearance and behavior; they see who they've seen, and known, for years and years, this familiar face "Bill."

In this moment "Bill" is gone and what lives, moves, is, is aware, is universal being, universal awareness. Yogis worth their salt cease with the personal and the particular and become impersonal and universal by whatever means available, and stay impersonal and universal. This sounds like absolute madness to people stuck in conditioned 'I' life but to those who have become universal madness is in fact being stuck in conditioned 'I' life.

*

Rode in the back of the ambulance to a Cleveland hospital with a 55-year-old man who I found out later has perhaps 6-8 weeks left to live. In the course of the small talk en route he mentioned how he wants to stay alive, but may soon be "seeing more of the universe." Maybe it was for the best that I didn't know how grave his condition really was, otherwise I'd have tried too hard to say the 'right thing.' As it was, we had a good conversation about guy stuff, techie interests, and parted with a very firm handshake and he repeating a generous offer to get me a gadget we spoke about. While there's life there's hope--even when my brother was a living skeleton I believed, and wanted him to believe, he would pull through. Being in denial is a good way to keep talking and to keep hope alive.

Woke up at 4 a.m., unable to get back to sleep. As cats ministered to me, the totality of human suffering dropped upon me. The suffering would be so much easier if only physical, but the worst suffering is psychological. People trying hard to survive in a fast-changing very uncertain world. I acknowledged my own 'quiet desperation' and psychological pain. I am getting to know suffering as never before.

What makes the suffering of being alive tolerable is love. Through the sleepless hours this morning my affectionate delightful little cat Furby threw himself against my chest, literally and figuratively on my heart. He and I share total trust, total love, two pieces of the universe at one, at peace. Life is a struggle, life is suffering, but as long as there is love present life is bearable.

It has been my great good fortune to see, to experience, to understand the basis of unconditional love. There are some people who love unconditionally naturally; there are others, such as me, who need to be shown why unconditional love is the most important, intelligent, beautiful, and real force in the universe. To live and die in love is to live forever as love. That's the legacy we can leave behind: love. The love we express while alive goes on and on. To live on anonymously as love is a good afterlife. Maybe this could be called Afterlove. Life goes on. There is no Beforelife, no Afterlife, only the Nowlife. Those poor wretches who find themselves alive in the Nowlife are the recepients of everything we leave behind. The energy we put into the Nowlife persists in the Nowlife, for good or ill. If I was a hapless newborn, I would want the world into which I emerge be a world of unconditional love, of clean air and clean water, of natural beauty and natural balance.

*

Walking across town on an errand, I heard someone call my name. I turned around and saw someone driving a power company truck calling another "Bill." Reminded me of how conditioned of a being I am, knee-jerk responding to 'my name' without any delay or thought. What a cauldron of conditioning is this thing called 'Bill.' A little later, walking back to work, it occurred to me that I am extremely fortunate to know how conditioned is my little mind, for knowing that I can transcend the conditioning just enough to make the leap from 'Bill' to 'eternal universal Light.' This Light, this birthless/deathless Principle, has an Awareness which is so pure, so clear, so calm, so radiant--to be in this, my rightful Awareness, is all I ever need. I play out the role of 'Bill' muddling about, working and paying the bills, while my true identity, which is a genuine Open Secret, does it all, and goes nameless, which is fine, because it IS nameless. The Supreme One's M.O. is to bloom unseen, unknown, unrecognized, in the midst of the forest.

*

This morning it was cool enough and dry enough in the house, and my index finger cut was healed enough, that I could pluck a few chords on the guitar, and sing a little bit. "Eternal light shines in us all." The Eternal Universal Principle is within all of us, as us. Nothing personal, nothing at all.

Nonduality Now! (a great bumper sticker)

Enjoy Entheogenesis! (another one)

As tempted as I get to get entangled in politics and personalities I have to step back and remind myself for what purpose I'm optimized. That purpose, evidently, is Self-Realization; Nonduality; Entheogenesis. The altered state will not go away, it is here on its own, as natural Awareness. The goal is altered trait, i.e., in the eternal Now behaving as one would, steeped in natural Awareness. I live and work with people who are very dualistic. The Light is in them, yes, but instead of seeing one light in many forms they tend to see many lights. This dualistic approach is the source of much misunderstanding, miscommunication, intolerance, anger, agitation. As a nondualistic person my responsibility is to STAY NONDUALISTIC no matter what: to be in the Light, the Presence, even though everyone around me is in the Dark, the Absence. Starting now. Always starting now.

*

Among many Internet groups to which I'm subscribed, the read-only 'Nonduality Highlights' group is a great resource for what means most to me. I am so grateful the editors included this poem, which I would have in my obit, on my memorial service handout, and on my headstone:

Love others
because Light is in them
not because of the person.
Otherwise
one day you'll miss them
you'll lose them.

Love others
because Light is within them.
That's the Principle.
Then you'll never miss them
even if they die
because the Principle
is still existent.

Embodied or disembodied
it's the Principle
which fulfills.

- Swami Amar Jyoti

*

An existential rollercoaster of a weekend. Three little children, two of whom 'difficult'....high heat and humidity....unforeseen breakdowns....and yet there was a valuable lesson learned, albeit the hard way...maybe the hard way makes the lesson better learned.

The lesson is nothing much different than the old truism of how it's possible to make a hell out of heaven and a heaven out of hell. In this beautiful empty present now moment in the emptiness of essence of mind the quality of the experience of mind is highly variable, depending on the quality of thoughts and emotions. My hell was agitation, exasperation, impatience. Within this, my heaven was to wake up to the presence of the same old clear mind, vast, empty, without form or content. It is always here for me, for everyone.

Did chew two leaves at Holden Arboretum and did enjoy, even amidst family and strangers, the bliss of the natural world, the purity of every bug and branch. It's all one lifeforce.

It's up to us how we want our experience to be, we can make it hell, we can let it be heaven.

*

As I watch people hurry and scurry about I wonder what humans are born to do...what is the purpose of our existence...what humans are for... Is it for mere survival, continuation of the individual and the genes and the species? Is it for self-gratification, to fill our ears with music, to fill our eyes with colors and shapes, to fill our brains with information and fantasies and thoughts? Is it for self-realization, gaining insight into the human condition and transcending suffering through understanding?

This requires considering what exactly the universe is for...for whatever the universe is for, is what we are for.

As I look at the universe it is quite spontaneous throughout, following the laws of is own nature at every juncture. The universe also seems to be attracted to itself, its gravity forming galaxies, clusters of galaxies, stars, clusters of stars, and solar systems. There is an outward expansion, yes, but also an ongoing aggregating, many particles becoming one mass.

Gravity is very much the same as love, and gravity can rightly be called love.

When I think of what I've accomplished in this brief life thus far, there are only two things of which I am very certain, and very grateful, and very proud: meaning, and love.

Meaning is understanding, meaning is wisdom.

Love is meaning expressed, compassion, identification with other parts of the universe.

The presence of life, of my life, of other lives, is the presence of one life in many lives. This I understand. This is totally exquisitely meaningful to me. Because there is exquisite meaning in every life, I can truly love every life as my own, or rather be an expression of the universe's love for itself.

The universe becomes many parts, and gravity/love brings the parts together. As one, the universe can't know itself, can't love itself. By becoming many, over and over again, it assures that it will find itself over and over, forever.

So I walk down the street and realize the most important thing, the most meaningful, loving act, is to say Good Morning to everyone I meet. Meet and greet--it's what the universe likes to do with itself.

All we are here for is to love one another: let nothing distract us from that prime directive.

*

Had a lucid dream during sultry lunchtime nap upstairs at home. Wanted to let go and become part of the earth again. Was fully merged with a lonely hillside, covered with grasses, trees, and bushes. Sweet repose. I have always been this.

Salvia takes me to the ground of being and shows me I am that. Naps can do that too.

*

Nothing is perfect, nothing is satisfactory. Therefore I prize Nothing, the merciful absence within mind and form.

*

A six-year-old relative, a recepient of less-than-optimal upbringing, tested my patience to its limits this weekend. This child, above all, needs to feel loved and wanted, as is plainly evident by how he gravitates to my wife, who is a very warm, loving parental figure despite her occasional loss of patience with him. I want to learn how to become a warmer person than I am currently, as I'm awakening to the fact that there is a dearth of applied love in the world. I can conceive of unconditional love, and even feel it within me, but it is of little use to anyone if I do not apply it in everyday life, especially to those whose behavior is grossly inappropriate, who are starving for love and uncritical acceptance.

I have a renewal of a vision of a more personal, rather egocentric nature, which is to be completely comfortable in my own skin, to become a more physical person, making up for a lifetime of disconnect with the physical life, being too cerebral, introverted, sedentery. As Salvia has helped me toward my own 'archaic revival'--celebrating the body, and the earth, and living as a simple, completely un-self-conscious native, a child of nature--I will be spending the rest of my days wearing a figurative, and perhaps at times literal, loincloth...and spending the rest of my life under the sun.

*

Feeling like David Spangler, channeling the Higher Self in the aftermath of 9/11 attacks. The London bombings may elicit retribution as did 9/11. Yet for some it may be impetus to grow spiritually. The unrest in the human world may be reaching crisis proportions quite soon. When injustice and unsustainability finally implode, there are a few people who will already be well established in nonduality, who have steered clear of falling debris of falling civilizations until the coast is clear. Just, sustainable, spirit-based cultures may grow like evergreens in the ashes of wildfires.

I feel like crying, and have been crying at times. Life is suffering. Existence is suffering. There is no life, no existence, without suffering. Everything changes, everything breaks down, everything transforms into something else. What a deal. And to think no-one asked for this, no-one. No-one asked to be born. No-one. And here we all are, a great time being had by all.

The way out of suffering is suffering as well, this way is not easy, requires willingness to lose everything in order to find the way. Burning away desires burns like hell.

*

The fact that I happen to live and work in Ohio, and not Louisiana, should not be of any importance, and should not be of any great concern to me other than the differences in weather and general economy. Lorain County is not doing very well economically either, so the difference would be more of weather, perhaps of culture. Louisiana is very much on my mind today, having just learned that its legislators and governor have made Salvia divinorum and thirty-eight other plants 'illegal.' It's okay to grow Salvia etc. as long as it's only for esthetic, ornamental, or landscaping purposes. The instant a Salvia leaf passes my lips I'm subject to heavy fines, long imprisonment, and hard labor. This is Louisiana, after August 15, 2005, when this new law takes effect.

To hear this, and to hear about the latest terrorist attack, and to be in the midst of rather serious material plane crisis at home, I'm feeling very queasy at the moment. It's very easy to perceive life in general, or life in particular, as 'falling apart.' It sure feels that way to me now.

As an aspiring jnana yogi, I should grow up and realize, Hell Yes, everything IS falling apart, that's the way of all Things, they all fall apart, they wouldn't be Things if they didn't.

And so, remembering Siddhartha "The Buddha" Gautama's dying words--"Decay is inherent in all things--work on your salvation with diligence"--I redouble my efforts to save myself, right here, right now. There isn't enough Maalox in the universe to touch this queasiness.

Life's too short to worry, especially about matters beyond my control. Especially about money, or lack of. Or stupid laws. Or ideology-crazed humans, and revenge-crazed humans

To have heart in the midst of heartlessness is all I ask. Do I have heart? A heart? What exactly is heart, or a heart? Soul? Do I still have my own soul? To keep one's own soul in the midst of soullnessness is all I ask too. Heart and soul. One thing, it surely is. Everyone is born with heart and soul. Then with proper training, some forget they have a heart and a soul, and instead are pawns of their thoughts, some sick twisted cruel stupid thoughts.

I remember that as a kid I vowed never to become one of those doomed, twisted adults, enslaved to bad habits and enshackled by debt. Now I'm feeling like 'the catcher in the rye' watching fairly helplessly as kids turn into doomed, twisted adults as I blink.
If only they knew, if only I knew...

Strange shit's always around the corner.

*

A good night's sleep, finally. Cooler temperatures, moderation in drink certainly helped. How good it is to be able to sit in the upstairs Salvia Room and play guitar and sing, without sweating. Still have 'problem' of tearfulness when singing. Reinventing bhakti yoga, singing and praying, devotionals, will do that.

The salvation really is emptiness, the essential nature of mind, transparent, formless, void. While riding the bicycle far into the country to work out frustrations about finances and general unhappiness about domestic situation, assaulted by very negative notions, out of necessity had to find the refuge of the essence of mind, and let it take it in until it lost its energy, that emotional storm in my head. Finally reached the Other Shore, that serene refuge of universal mind, beautiful emptiness, vastness, clarity. That old Clear Light is not just for the dead anymore. It's the living who need it anyway.

Boom! the universal mind is always here, it is my Right Mind, damn straight. Everyone's got it. Get it? Good!

Bodhidharma's taken me over, crusty wise old guy. "In vast emptiness there is nothing holy." Whew.

*

Awoke too early, around 4 a.m., from heat, humidity and overindulgence. And ruminations after dreams. The resolution: love every sentient being who crosses your path. This is part of my dismay over the proliferation of Deliberate Distractors: the iPods, the cell phones, the computer screens, even reading materials. While people are alone, engaging with these things is a personal decision, of course. What concerns me is that more and more people are engaging with gadgets, while in public, rather than with each other. Can I dare attempt to say hello to someone wearing White Wires to their ears? or can I dare attempt to smile at someone talking on a cell phone? Should I interrupt someone with nose in book or computer screen, perhaps with a Good Morning, or should I ignore them?

I can't change anyone but myself, so I refrain from doing anything that would distract me away from a living, breathing world of universal awareness. I strive to communicate with all beings of awareness. Salvia has shown me that plants are aware, and live a glorious, radiant life of purity and peace. Every insect, every bird, every worm, every animal, is to be noticed, revered, greeted, loved. And human beings, so full of thoughts, so distracted, so self-centered and self-important, are the most difficult animals to greet.

It gets down to what's most important wherever one happens to be. Are we to amuse ourselves with gadgets or with thinking-about? "What Would Brahman Do?" I do know that especially after eating a big leaf and having major epiphanies what makes life worth living, for me, is to love life, to love life in all its forms, and to take advantage of EVERY opportunity to love life whenever a living being is in this shared presence of universal mind.

*

One large leaf, nibbled on the walk to work. Just enough perceptual shift, proof again that Salvia divinorum is indeed of the class of teacher plants that could be rightly called Existentia. Salvia is an existentiant, truly helping to remind the phantom captain of the body who's really in control of the body, the wild and free one-and-only universal spirit. Spine loose, straight, the rightful owner, the real owner, of the body is in charge. Also in charge of mind, is universal Awareness. One spirit, one Awareness, one life.

No wonder I adore my cats, no wonder I worship at their furry paws. They are pure spirit, pure Awareness. They eat, and then they are content.

I wish human beings would stop tearing up the earth and themselves and each other and eat, and be content.

*

"Drive Like Brahman"

Had a nice epiphany yesterday while driving north to do an errand. It involves a variation of the "What Would Jesus Do" conceit using 'Brahman' instead of 'Jesus.' Imagine how Brahman would drive, or speak, or walk, or work, or think if It suddenly found Itself in human form, engaged in some mundane activity, possessing some typical human working class individual's body.

This conceit has been around for a long time, ever since people dared to imagine God doing mundane things. God is, after all, the monotheistic Western name for Brahman, and Brahman is the Hindu name for the nondualistic omnipresent God.

So imagine God driving a car, then, in robe, long hair and long beard. Would He obey all traffic laws, extend courtesy to other drivers, drive defensively, be in control of the vehicle at all times--of course. The mindset of God would be of oneness with the surroundings, nonjudgmental, unflappable, calm, imperturbable, patient, all-embracing, nonchalant.

My conceit is to live like Brahman, as if I might possibly be Brahman. Heh heh heh...

Anyone can let go and let Brahman, because everyone is Brahman in disguise. Once the disguise no longer fools the wearer of the disguise, there is only Brahman, eternal omnipresent Awareness.

*

One small leaf plucked and chewed this morning to help me through another sleep-deprived day, primarily to squeegee my lifespirit vision. In this time of maximum solar energy and maximum lushness of flora I'm almost blinded by the lifespirit's radiance in plants and animals.

Salvia divinorum is under yet more attack by 'concerned legislators' who are pawns of the Pharmacratic Inquisition. Ignorant Suits whose ambition makes them even more blind than the average materialistic consumerist.

I think I know now what it feels like to be part of a Persecuted Minority, particularly a Persecuted Cult, or Occult, Minority--how the Wiccans and Shamans and other nature-spirit-types have felt over the centuries, persecuted by the ignorant fearful arrogant Church/State.

With nature as my witness, I know what I know, I see what I see, I am what I am. Not only have I seceded from the fictitious entity the "United States of America" I have also seceded from the species identity "Homo sapiens" the misnamed Wise Man species. I find truth in plants, animals, earth and sky, anywhere there are no human words or human notions or judgmental human eyes.

*

Is finally cool enough to go upstairs and play guitar, which I did this morning, with furry feline brother Furby in attendance.

Everything I've been contemplating and realizing comes out in simple songs. The magic of nondual Self-realization continues apace. Plain everyday ordinary Awareness, plain everyday ordinary Being, is IT. No special occult transformations necessary, just the subtle understanding. Enlightenment is a subtle understanding of plain everyday ordinary life. From agonizing self-consciousness, to unshakable self-awareness, to awareness of Awareness, to awareness of Being, and then subtle understanding of That which is Aware, That which Is.

All the misery attendant with false identity vanishes once false identity is recognized as false, and the Self takes over.

All beings are Self, Self is all beings. All beings have the potential to find the way out of suffering by realizing the Self and letting It be It, letting It do It. Every being has to work its way out of the web of desire and delusion to find the clear light of the Self, the emptiness that is fullness, the annihilation that is completion.

To let this eternal One live, move, and have its being through this form is my secret paradise that I do not wish to keep secret. There is no way to transmit this paradise adequately through words, although it is quite effective to let the quality of Self-realized being take care of transmission, a nonstop beacon of the Self to the Self. The old cherished virtues are qualities of the Self: wisdom, compassion, peace: these qualities prevail, the Self prevails.

*

Words can be very useful reminders of real things and real experiences, just as a good comedian regales with observations of what we all have observed ourselves.

Two words came my way, via some Internet browsing, that really clarified and summarized a profound turning point in my existential life:

passive awareness

Passive awareness. Awareness just as it is, letting awareness be. Those first experiences of passive awareness were revelations, and they still are. There is this self-sustaining awareness, arising from out of nowhere, from a being that just is. This being has been the real Self all along, before birth and after death and in between.

There is only now, ever. There is only being, and awareness. Just is.

*

I adore nature, I worship nature. My cats are nature's liaisons, and I turn to them for solace and reality checks. Nature--and my cats--are nonjudgmental. When my thinking makes me ill with discriminatory notions sullying pure mind, I give up and turn to nature, and/or my cats, to remember that there is no-self, no-person, that I too am of nature and can be free of false notions or even of notions altogether and just be natural, an animal.

Last afternoon I chewed three large Salvia leaves and went for a bicycle ride. Three leaves proved to be too strong for such an activity. At peak onset, my skin became hypersensitive, prickly, hot, and I couldn't tolerate the helmet pressing against my hair and scalp, the constriction of clothing. I was also ill-prepared to interact with other people riding bicycles on the rather busy bike trail. After the peak subsided I continued westward, against the stiff breeze, and stabilized into a more-or-less blissful state. All the fresh, healthy, vibrant plants I passed were strikingly radiant, ablaze with green fire.

Even today plants are catching my eye--they are so beautiful. All of nature is beautiful. Predators, prey, it's all pure, all noble.

Human beings who are out of contact with nature, who are dualistic, who have separated themselves from the source, are trying to return to the source, sometimes through extreme, even heinous means. Children, who are radiant with pure lifeforce, taunt some frustrated dualistic adults just by being pure, and thus become victims of dualistic lifeforce vampires. Youth attracts dualistic elders because youth have abundant lifeforce, and dualistic elders seek to possess abundant lifeforce by attempting to seduce youth, to capture fresh lifeforce for themselves and try to make it their own.

Nonduality breaks down all separation between forms of the One so that any form can realize it is in fact present in every form, as the One. Thus there is always union, omnipresence. The elder is the youth, the youth is the elder, the male is the female, the female is the male. The Self is all things, and all things are the Self.

It's all beautiful, so beautiful.

*

First I take care of my own suffering, and resume my true nature, and get stabilized in that. Then, and only then, can I be of use to others in terms of finding the way out of suffering.

When I think about the world situation and the precarious predicament we cunning monkeys have gotten ourselves into, with dangerous technology and overbreeding and shortages galore, human misery abounding, I realize my solution to my suffering is precious, and timely, and useful particularly in this day and age. I can't be radical enough. Radical folly requires radical wisdom.

*

Okay, so I Self-indulge and gloat, having realized Self. Good for me. Now the thing is, I can't help but notice the tremendous and widespread suffering there is basically because people are ignorant of the Self. I know that Self-realization is the real cure for suffering, and have proven it to myself over and over. I also know that, as the Self is universally present, it is entirely possible for anyone to find their way out of suffering through Self-realization, since the Self abides in all, as all.

In that awkward stage where people do not yet realize the Self the only way to help such benighted beings is to unconditionally love them, the Self in disguise, the Self as yet unknown to itself--to love the Self in this pitiable state of being.

Speaking of states of being, that's what interests me a great deal. In the eternal Now, the way I manifest my Presence, the quality of my state of Being, has changed radically, from despair, fury, agitation to bliss, peace, compassion. I'm tempted to say I'm exhibiting manic-depressive behavior but I suspect such is more the normal changes of state of humanity in general.

It's so good to know that basic awareness, basic being, right now, is what it is, the Self, the real deal. Remembering that brings about a state of being quite good to be in.

I would like to do what I can for those I can help, those who are ready to end their suffering through Self-realization. Even if it requires the context of a church, I'm ready to help. Those nearest and dearest to me need help, for they are their own worst enemy, a situation I know very well.

*

Amazing how much difference a translation makes. The old Mentor paperback translation of the Upanishads just does it for me, whereas a brand-new Penguin translation doesn't work that well for me at all.

What works best of all is to put the books and pen and paper and computer aside and just be, self-effulgent Awareness, blissful Being, a manifestation of cosmic energy.

Somewhere along the line I knew that my calling was Extreme Existentialism and was wise enough to focus my energy toward realization of the Self. That's capital-S Self, the Supreme, Brahman, that Thing that is, One without a second. The kid wants to be Brahman when he grows up...

How easy it is to get distracted by other humans, to be manipulated, conditioned to buy into others' notions and beliefs and mindsets.

When I was fifteen, a Spiritualist medium pegged me as a finger-dancer, and exhorted me--or purportedly channeled a long-haired bearded violinist who exhorted me--to "do your own thinking." Several years later another professional psychic told me I had a "double star of destiny" and that I had "oriental masters" as teachers. Such suggestions maybe made it inevitable that I would soon discover the potent synergy of ganja and Upanishads.

Fast forward some 26 years, where through the grace of the Internet and friends of Terence McKenna I found out about Salvia divinorum, a plant which deconditioned me to a degree I could not have imagined possible.

The personal life is over. Kaput. Finis. I continue to hold down a job and try to pay the bills on time, and abide by the laws and conventions of this culture, within reason. I accept the karma of the old life, the marriage, the mortgage, the day job, the clothes, the dietary habits, the toys, etc. while accepting the reality of That which is the real "I" of the I AM.

As long as there is Awareness there is the Grand Prize, the Self. I can't resist gloating, this self-effulgent self-existing Bonanza of cosmic life and energy that's been Me all along.

*

Another 4:30 a.m. awakening, perhaps bird-related--they start singing, loudly, at 4:30 a.m. lately. Am rather tired, but feeling much better about what direction my spiritual awakening is taking.

The 'scientific pantheist' organization, such as it is, expresses well what I'm trying to articulate, and they do so in non-superstitious, non-'religious' terms. The earth is my body, and my body is the earth. There is no separation, no duality. There is only nature, the natural world, the natural cosmos.

Nature is not to be subjected to vivisection, and is not to be seen as something other than oneself. Nature is also not something that a separate supreme being created.

The spirit of nature is energy in all forms, including the energy of life. People do not have to call it holy. All nature is holy. As everything is holy, nothing is holy. Holy means whole. The whole is whole. All we have to do is surrender our false notions and be whole, as manifestations of the wholeness which is nature.

The sickness of our civilization is loss of wholeness, individually and collectively. We poison our bodies, our minds, our environment; no animal other than Homo sapiens does this. Our muddled thinking and suffocating buildings and insane pace and low-quality life is unnatural, unwholesome.

We must, individually and collectively, rediscover the wholeness of nature within and without, or else continue to live feeling less than whole, pillaging the planet for energy and materials in a desperate attempt to feel satisfied.

*

I awoke very early this morning and couldn't get back to sleep, so I had breakfast with coffee and sat in the comfy chair, reading the morning paper with four cats on my lap. To love, and be loved by, sentient beings is all I wish for anyone. It may be too much to expect all members of my species to become enlightened herbivores, but it is certainly not too much to expect the Two Great Commandments to be observed: 1. Love God unconditionally. 2. Love everyone unconditionally.

The problem is conditioning. We need to be unconditioned in order to love unconditionally.

Unconditioning, deconditioning, unlearning, deconstructing, nonconceptualizing. Our precious persona must be deliberately depersonalized, or else our love, our identity, our existence, our awareness, is limited, is based on false premise. No premise needed. Being and awareness is IT, that is IT, we are IT. To rise to the responsibility, to the challenge, of being IT is what we are to do. IT requires that we be IT, nothing less. IT is real, immortal, the life of all life, the being of all being, the awareness of all awareness.

Nothing like fresh Salvia to bring out the old inner rishi and crank out fresh Upanishads.

*

There perpetually arises the challenge of living the life of spirit as opposed to living the life of conditional identity. The question arises afresh: "Who is the Doer?" It can also be asked as: "Who is?" After a weekend of emotional physical intellectual rollercoastering and a few fresh Salvia leaves chewed in less than optimal circumstances I start over, today, with two tiny fresh leaves and a renewal of my commitment to spirit, to let spirit do it, to let spirit be 'me.' Seeing with the eyes of lifespirit, I see lifespirit in the plants, in the animals, in the people, in this flesh. I praise the cats for being pure spirits, and I can indulge myself totally and be a pure spirit, or rather, simply, spirit, pure lifespirit. Spirit is in charge of us all, and to admit it, recognize it, surrender to it, and be consumed by it so that spirit becomes our irrefutable, undeniable, permanent identity, makes this existence and awareness not only bearable, but totally meaningful, and characterized by a sense of lightness, freedom, delight, and the finest bliss imaginable enjoyed by the eternal universal Enjoyer.

Following my bliss to the source of what is the best, and everlasting, bliss, takes me to the same place, which is right here, right now, the Presence of spirit.

I see gloomy adolescents who yearn for unlimited stimulation and personal freedom: money, toys, sex, carefree indolence, all forever if possible, every day spent in a pleasure palace. Or engaged in real-life adventures, rock climbing, hiking, traveling all over the world. Faced with a dreary workplace in a dreary cultural milieu, the gloom waxes.

And so I go forth, no longer an adolescent, but an old guy who has followed his bliss only to find the source of that bliss is his inmost self. I wish that first upon myself, that I am wise enough to remember my inmost self sufficiently well, especially when I've forgotten too long, and I wish that, after having found this cosmic surprise within, that others may do the same and cease being gloomy and start being blissfully real and universal as embodiments of spirit.

*

Allowing the moment to be; allowing Presence to be; becoming more fully aware of the Awareness of Presence, of the Presence of Awareness. It is within my power to abide in Presence, now, always.

*

I may not understand my true nature very well, yet that doesn't prevent me from submitting to it and to let it do it, to let it be it. In expression, in everyday practice, being an instrument, a conduit of my true nature is the application of this wonderful treasure.

Replacing anger, fear and all the negative states with that good old childlike sense of wonder again. True nature is just that way.

*

While taking my customary short lunchtime nap at home I experienced the delight of letting Awareness be Awareness, a sphere of neutral perception that just takes it all in, lets it all happen. In this pure Awareness I feel so perfect, and am perfect, and everything that happens, everything that appears, in this infinite sphere of perception is perfect. Not wanting, not waiting for, not hoping for...in this moment, always in this moment, this Being, this Awareness. So simple. It already is, it always is.

*

Trying to be on my best behavior if only to minimize the distraction caused by freshly created karma. When I'm not distracted I can go ahead and fall back into sweet, pure Presence. Just BE IT.

To be this body, or to be the Awareness of this body. To be this body is to be earth, air, fire, water, ether...and to have the fate of all form, which is eternal transformation. To be this Awareness is to be the one and only Awareness, the Awareness belonging to that Being which is comprised of all transforming forms.

As incredibly imperfect as this body and personal life happens to be, somehow I have been blessed with the ability to recognize.and realize, and be, Presence...Awareness...the One...IT...THAT...I AM...

That's adequate compensation for one of six billion or so babies here as humans through no fault or desire of their own. Now to work on my little part of the worldwide chain reaction of love and liberation, of ITness.

*

I carry with me the stench of duality. The ego games are unavoidable when having to deal with human society. As I sit in the comfy chair this morning, all four cats melted in my lap and purring, I can only say, for my own sanity and hoped-for return to nonduality, "all is forgiven." I forgive myself for being dualistic, for dualistic thoughts and dualistic words, and I forgive my human brothers and sisters for their duality. As the riff in the Beatles' Abbey Road album goes, "...in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make."

In this moment, always back to this very moment, I let go of duality, of the ego games, and resume life in the spirit, of the spirit, as the spirit, the lifespirit.

Would that everyone could see Bodyworlds and see our flesh-and-blood kinship, our common mortality, the oneness of our flesh. Would that everyone could see the spirit, emanating from all living flesh, connecting us and interpenetrating us and flowing through us all. Would that everyone embrace all flesh as their own, and find the love that the One has for itself.

One two three four five six seven
All good children go to heaven

*

Time of maximum dynamic pressure, a good time to have a nervous breakdown. "Nervous breakdown" is a fine old term, I grew up with that concept, took it as gospel there is such a thing, people just break down in some strange way.

Rather than break down, it's a good time to break through. In my case, the breakthrough is to the bedrock of ultimate sanity, the nondual universal Awareness. This awareness is THE Awareness, the Awareness of THE ONE AND ONLY.

As my nondual mentor once said, "to be nothing is wisdom; to be everything is love." Just as he passed back and forth between those two worlds, so do I now. His awareness was/is Awareness, he was aware of that fact. My awareness is the same Awareness, my I AM the same I AM as my mentor. Wherever there is an I AM, there I AM.

*

Saw Bodyworlds at the Science Center this weekend. Plastinated cadavers, exquisitely mounted, insightfully displayed. This should be required attendance for every human being if only there was a way to get everyone into it. Maybe smaller displays in more places, especially public schools. Everyone should know their anatomy and physiology, and Bodyworlds delivers the needed in-formation.

Timely that I saw it when I did. Today I am a living corpse, having slept poorly, another asthma-like attack at 3 a.m. with no sleep afterward, only coughing and wheezing. Finally gave up and had breakfast, hoping the theophylline in my heroic tumbler of strong black tea would open up the bronchial tree. Nodded off twice in the chair, with dreams, until the exact time I was to awaken my spouse.

Not long ago I would have railed against feeling like a living corpse, feeling cheated of that familiar taken-for-granted normal-me feeling of well-being, whining silently that I need to go back to bed. Not only can I not go back to bed today, a very overcommitted day until 10 p.m., but I also have found that fatigue is an ego-buster; sleep deprivation can be, in fact, entheogenic. As I walked to work I was glad to be a living corpse, as the one alive, controlling, animating this corpse is the same one that is alive, controlling, animating every living being. I am not constrained to be "me" whoever "me" is. I have the luxury of expressing my true self, of being my true self, which is universal and eternal, speaking through every voice, seeing through every eye, living through every living being. Universal life. How good it feels to find my voice, my life, my self.

The veins in the leaf, the veins in the flesh, the same life making the same pattern in every living being. Everything that lives is of one body, one being.

"Pay When You Exit" the train station sign reads. How true. We pay back in full everything we've taken, all the water, all the earth, all the air, all the energy. We ate other beings all our life, now it's time to feed them with our being.

I adore animals, I worship animals--plants too. Animals in particular, they are completely pure spirits, the embodiment of ingenuousness. The predators and the well-defended prey are what they are. I will treat them with all due respect and the greatest affection, if only from a safe distance. Living with four domesticated animals and bonding with them, and vice versa, has been a constant source of innocent delight, of unconditional love. We are on the same level, warm furry mammals.

Especially when looking at the skeletons of animals, it's obvious how we're all related, humans and animals. Rib cages, spinal cords, skulls, four appendages.

I gratefully accept the terms of the particular animal before me, and offer my deepest respect to them. We see eye to eye.

*

What you really really want you'll really really get. Unfulfilled desire does get fulfilled. The question is, does the Desirer get fulfilled upon the fulfillment of the desire?

I've desired much and many over my lifetime, and I've usually gotten what I've hankered for--pleasures, possessions. And still it was never enough. Me, the Desirer, was trapped in self-made world of unfulfillment, a victim of my own restive thought processes.

Good, wholesome, intelligent desires include the desire for the truth; the desire for wholeness; the desire for understanding; the desire for spiritual illumination; the desire for spiritual freedom; the desire for purification; the desire for authenticity; the desire for reality; the desire for pure being; the desire for pure awareness. Such desires are desirable because they are perpetually fulfilling, and perpetual fulfillment, inasmuch as they are fulfilled constantly, spontaneously, in the eternal present, always at hand for anyone who desires such things. Our true nature is fulfillment itself, if only we have the desire to recognize it, to surrender to it, to express it, to be it, spontaneously, effortlessly, in the eternal now.

*

In my early youth I wanted to believe in visiting extraterrestrial beings, discarnate entities and suchlike. As I have never had firsthand experience of any of suchlike, I now go just with what I experience firsthand. I note that popular entertainment and some belief systems depend on believing, or at least a suspended-disbelieving in the case of entertainment, in suchlike.

I have a tentative theory that people believe, or want to believe, in the existence of UFOs, ghosts etc. because they have become disconnected, alienated, from nature, and from their own universal true nature. Being deprived of the lifespirit illumination, of the selfless bliss of nonduality, people are at the mercy of their own wishful thinking as they long to connect with something long lost, the selfless unity with the cosmos prior to becoming dualistically-conditioned human beings. So we look for survival of the ego, of our deceased loved ones as identifiable entities, beyond death, or we hope to be abducted by visiting representatives of the cosmos who will whisk us away to live forever in a strange, wonderful extraterrestrial existence.

It's pretty obvious that corporate Christians believe in getting their ticket punched in advance for a future otherworldly heaven inasmuch as they tend not to identify with this, natural, world, and don't hesitate to desecrate it for profit--why not, they believe they'll be taken away in the Rapture and not have to tarry in the nest they helped befoul.

*

I dedicate my life to life. I dedicate my spirit to spirit. My life is life, my spirit is spirit. Seeing what I see, seeing the way I see; understanding what I understand, understanding the way I understand--there is no going back, no way to deny, or forsake, spirit. Something as lovely and magical and real and visible and palpable and all-consuming as spirit, why would I ever deny it or forsake it?

Had the major part of a fresh leaf this morning, and Furby had the minor part. Furby was very happy to partake, as always. This time he was decidedly filled with well-being, joie de vivre, purring and drooling, tail bristling, in total affectionate ecstasy. For the record, I hereby solemnly, sincerely state that Salvia divinorum, chewed and swallowed, is a dark leafy green enchantment that dramatically enhances health and well-being.

Salvia divinorum is the antidote for my morbidly cerebral misery. My thoughts have driven me quite mad over the decades, and are still vexations to my spirit. Salvia brings my wayward thoughts under control, and brings me back to my true self, my true mind, my true nature which is spirit, coextensive with all of nature, all of the cosmos.

In moments of lucidity I know, with or without Salvia's assistance, that sheer existence and sheer awareness are quite sufficiently entheogenic, the basis for enlightenment, for spiritual illumination and spiritual freedom. Nonduality is not dependent on anything but humility, sincerity, intellectual honesty, self-awareness, self-realization, and a certain powerful subtle penetrating understanding. That's all.

*

The two most seemingly insipid aspects of our birth inheritance that in actuality comprise our salvation are: pure plain Awareness--the perfect emptiness of Mind in its essence...and Suchness, Thatness, Isness, Being...being that which we are, effortless perfect being. True to our true self, living in the emptiness of the essence of Mind, living as Suchness, we glide across the vast ongoing stage of the Great Play, fully complete, in the absolute security and repose of nonduality.

*

My best clearest realizations happen while I 'm walking, especially first thing in the morning as I sally forth to work. This morning I regarded the surroundings as that which was here before 'I' got here, and will be here after 'I' leave, i.e. move away or die. Shakespeare said it best, that all the world's a stage and we're the players, and we have our entrances and our exits, and the stage remains...

So I, the wandering 'I', wander about the stage, walking lightly upon it, contemplating the Great Play in which I'm one of the six-billion-and-counting human actors. The Play is being written and rewritten by all the actors, who are improvising, and their improvisations are affecting the improvisations of all the other actors. Violent scenes beget violent scenes, love scenes beget love scenes, etc. All us playwrights are constantly influencing each other, and our scripts show these influences. And we act them out.

So I walk, lightly, in solitude, upon the vast ongoing stage, and contemplate my presence on it, the quality of my presence; my expressions, the quality of my expressions; and the surrounding sentient composite crowd of playwrights/actors/audience, everyone with this triple function. Sometimes I get writer's block as playwright; sometimes I get stage fright as actor; sometimes I get bored, or annoyed, or critical, as audience member. Or I write ill-conceived script, ill-delivered, and ill-received. Or I manage to somehow improvise and resonate with the moment at hand, and the scene works.

Those moments of resonant improv happen when 'I' let go and go full-bore nondualistic. There is only one cosmic energy, manifesting in every form, and we are this energy. Period. End of story. End of history. Beginning of spontaneous universal eternal life itself.

Funny how desperation can provide such great impetus toward spiritual liberation. Or as the song goes, "freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose."

*

The sense of wonder can be dashed and trashed all too easily by banal materialistic concerns. It galls me to find myself worrying about being able to pay the bills instead of paying attention to the Great Mystery. I choose to accept the karma of impecuniosity. At least, no matter how bad the money situation gets, we won't starve. We'll lose what we will lose, but we will survive. That should be sufficient to put my mind at ease...should be...

The two biggest evils spawned by human technology are cars and televisions. Cars dehumanize, are dangerous, are money pits, and pollute the air and suck up fossil fuel and natural resources. Televisions distract, homogenize and brainwash entire populations, conditioning people to believe anything they see and hear on television. Same goes for the Internet, but at least you can communicate with the Internet, and respond to the originators of whatever brain-candy is being proffered.

A third evil is the cell phone, which has managed to cause millions of people to divide their attention, causing innumerable car crashes; it also has sufficiently enslaved these people, being a money pit all its own, causing compulsive blathering and distraction. At last we all can go about hearing voices in our head, and it's all part of the new normalcy.

*

The little things, the simple things, are really what makes up what's loosely called "life." For instance, to have a good night's sleep is really, existentially-speaking, a prerequisite for success. Today I feel well, mostly because I slept well. Yesterday, I slept poorly and felt poorly. The basic creature needs and comforts are of utmost importance. Cats are wise enough to get their rest, to eat when they're hungry, to drink when they're thirsty, to empty bowel and bladder when necessary.

The disappearance of the "I" during peak experiences is taken for granted by the seer/shaman community. During times of difficulty and suffering it would be handy to have I-disappearance...why limit I-disappearance to optimal conditions when most of the time circumstances are considerably less than optimal, I ask...

This morning, weary of worrying about money or lack thereof, of worrying about bills--ignominious worry, trivial worry--I tried eliciting I-disappearance, to see if not having an I would eliminate worry. Damn! it works. All that remains is pure awareness, and a bearded bespectacled bipedal middle-aged monkey man.

*

My identity arises fresh, spontaneously, from the life that comprises my body. My awareness arises from my body, awareness of form and formlessness coming from form and formless, flesh and spirit.

With the assistance of Salvia, I can stop thinking and actually see what's there, and what's there is life, radiant life, energy that is alive and aware. The green of the plants is aflame with life, as radiant as the sun. Life is energy.

There's good reason the Holy Spirit is also known as "The Comforter." I let go and lose myself in the energy, blessed release. I continue on, or not, effortlessly. In this very moment there is the eternal foundation, comfort, support. I let go now, and am magically sustained.

Beyond the basic necessities for life, we need not toil.

*

Had some fresh leaves yesterday afternoon, and two small ones this morning. The reminder: to look directly at the Livingness of things, and cherish it.

Had asthma-like insomnic bout early this morning, little sleep, am feeling exhausted today. What keeps me going is the flame of life which still flickers in me. I begin to understand how many people must survive, and toil, when exhausted and when living under oppression, as in a concentration camp. My oppressors are my creditors. I would be in bed now if not for the pressing need to bring in an income.

*

Had a dream this morning about a cozy love-fest. Everyone was the same Person, the same Awareness shining in every eye, no jealousy, how could there be any jealousy when everyone is the same One?

Walking to work, one small fresh ceremonial leaf on board. Looking at the plants flourishing in the lawns on campus, every plant, every leaf, proclaiming "just be, just be beautiful, just be beautifully, just be joyous to be, to be this that we are!" Radiant, joyous, serene being, a two-legged plant among rooted plant relatives.

*

I just love to love. Lovingkindness is a flowering of spirit that can be cultivated and shared over a lifetime that will make that lifetime a lifetime well lived.

*

In a sense we are all self-styled whatevers, and in a sense we are all other-styled whatevers. We reinvent ourselves, and are reinvented by others, constantly. My grandmother once called me a Bearded Whatchamacallit. She was very honest, if witheringly tactless, on so many occasions, such as this. Yet she was right, I am, if nothing else, a Bearded Whatchamacallit.

So tempting to label myself, to give myself a role, a mission, an identity. It's time to go for a walk under the sky and be as empty and wide open as the sky I breathe. The emptiness of the essence of mind is my salvation.

*

Heartfelt, sincere, honest expressions, even if clumsily made, are worth more to me than the most refined, skillful, sophisticated expressions if those expressions are anything less than heartfelt, sincere, and honest. That being said, I can continue to clumsily write and clumsily sing and clumsily play guitar and clumsily live, knowing that as long as what I think, say, and do is heartfelt, sincere, and honest, my lack of skill is not a serious problem for me.

I don't have a nice house, or a big house. It's an old, worn-out house, abounding in imperfections, an edifice embodying entropy. We try to keep it clean enough, orderly enough, in good enough repair, but never attain the level of niceness that others take for granted. The white-gloved domestic mavens would despise my house. I'm learning not to care about perfection, or excellence, or niceness, or normalcy. I am living more and more like an animal, and am so glad about that. Just to sleep well enough and long enough; just to eat food; just to empty bowel and bladder, the relief so sweet; just to have shoes and clothes enough for the weather of the moment; just to have protection from the elements, and a little warmth; just to have fresh air; just to have clean water; year by year just meeting my basic needs are becoming my only wants. For I am alive, and aware, and aware of awareness, and aware of aliveness, and aware of That which is alive and aware. So I am very happy living like an animal, more and more, as I get old and worn-out and living in an old worn-out house, as I love the animals and plants who share this life with me, my wife, my cats, my Salvias, my Philodendrons, my Spiderplants, and every plant and animal in the world.

*

The cold front came through last night so this morning I went through the house and closed the windows. When I went upstairs to close windows, I went into the Salvia Room last, much to Furby's delight. He and I hung out there for a short while. Tuned up the guitar and sang and chanted, must be that bhakti yoga, wow it works great. So I find a lone leaf and chew it, after giving Furby a piece of it, which he devoured. It's amazing how such a trivial amount of Salvia does exactly what needs to be done, which is to remind me of That Thing of which I am a part. I am the face, the voice, the hands, the eyes, the ears, the form, the awareness, the will of That Thing.

Five years ago I first chewed the leaves and That Thing revealed itself to me in its awesome power and purity and love and reality. I am an extension of That Thing. That Thing called "LIFE." It's understandably foolish to go around saying "I'm God" so maybe, just maybe, it's acceptable to go around saying "I'm life itself." Of course I would hasten to add, "and so are you, and so is everyone."

Such is not a glib assertion. It's easy to develop a conceptual understanding of 'being life' but to actually, viscerally, in this moment, surrender the conditioned identity, the relative identity, the limited identy, the name-and-form-and-role identity and live AS life itself, the universal lifespirit, the primordial cosmic energy, requires effort, and dedication, and the ability to surrender oneself to this Highest Power, the only real power-that-be.

Such is not the stuff of cheesy pop-mysticism self-help books. No material profit can be expected from living as life itself. It is a private, intimate, personal matter between a life and life itself. In the old days they called it 'making your peace with God.' In these quantum physics deep cosmology deep ecology days I call it 'making your peace with the universe by realizing you are the universe.'

The best part of the breakthrough Salvia experience five years ago was not just becoming part of a vast tendrilled tentacled being but becoming part of its love for itself, that I am that being, as well as that being's love for all parts of itself. The most difficult lesson, the most difficult challenge, is to unfailingly express the pure powerful love of this being for all that lives within it, which includes all beings. There is One Being, One Life, even though there are many beings, many lives. One Form containing all forms.

*

Expressing these things in public Internet forums, even forums dedicated to discussion of such things, is something I'm becoming increasingly ambivalent about. I enjoy sharing thoughts with kindred spirits. Less-than-kindred spirits have not always taken kindly to my words. I'm not interested in wasting time debating, arguing, or engaging in pedantic nitpicking: it doesn't change a thing...it doesn't change perspectives, or lives, or anything at all.

So it gets back to the old saw about advice, in this case, attempting to express matters of Spirit: the wise don't need it, and fools don't heed it. And I don't want to waste time casting pearls before swine. I think it's time to let go of the Internet, and get back to Presence. Writing may happen, but I will be choosing my words, and my associates, a little more carefully. If there's heart, if there's love, it's worth the effort. No heart, no love, no interest in either, why should I waste my time...on the Internet or in any situation. The Drearies are preventable: the path with heart, the path of freedom, is where I tread.

*

Imagine being dead, a corpse, then coming back to life. That's how it was this morning. After chanting, singing, playing a few chords on the guitar in the Salvia Room, stood before the Salvias and found two lone leaves, plucked them off the plants, chewed them and swallowed them. This ceremonial act which had only the barest whisper of energy transfer from plant to animal was sufficient to bring me fully into awareness of spirit, that which is the life of all life. Spirit is worth dedicating one's life to. Expressing spirit, being spirit, loving spirit. Spirit is our resident genius, our personal daemon, our guardian angel.

Salvia has power over the foolish feverish distracting monkey-thinking that binds us to egoic existence. In the vast radiance of spirit and spirit's awareness lies life everlasting, life universal, if only we leave petty selfish concerns behind and trust in spirit.

At any time, when conditions are right and the being is receptive, the true, ultimate, inmost Controlling Agency takes over that being, or more accurately, resumes control. From the standpoint of the complex, egocentric, conditioned self, this Controlling Agency is alien, an Other to be dreaded.

This Controlling Agency is our true self, the Self that existed before we were born, the Self that will live on after we die. To recognize the Self, to surrender to the Self, to become the Self, is to become eternal and universal. We are expressions of the Self: to understand this fact is to live eternally, universally, in perfect freedom, secure and effortlessly self-supported.

*

Tired from an overly-long bike ride in the country last evening. Don't regret it--was a ride into magic, even though it started out in hell in the form of State Route 20, a heavily-traveled truck route. Noisy, unpleasant, aggressive. Finally turned south and into birdsong, farms, wide open spaces, abandoned railroad tracks, creeks...cyclist heaven. A daydreamy state of mind, wandering in a dream, occasional refrains of music in the imagination. I was born to wander and to daydream.

The daydreaming wanderer, on the Happy Excursion as one fully surrendered to the Tao. I am ready to die at any time now, every moment is a gift, the present of the Present.

Being very tired is metaphor for old age, and sleep is metaphor for death. I understand why wise old people don't fear death, and even can welcome it. Giving in to sleep is only natural when one is very, very tired.

When I die I'm going to everything, and let everyone wander and daydream in my midst, just as everything has let me all this life.

*

One half of a live leaf as communion this morning. Feline brother Furby ate two dried leaves, and was purring up a storm, intensely happy--unusually sensitive to my affectionate touch. In a very short time cascade effect or reverse tolerance or both rendered me quite sensitive, to the Presence of eternal lifespirit within.

It interests me no little in how sunlight becomes life and awareness, and once alive and aware, how little would it take to be satisfied. It takes a certain amount of light for a plant to thrive; it takes a certain amount of plants (captured sunlight) for an herbivore to thrive; it takes a certain amount of herbivores for a carnivore to thrive. Human beings can thrive as herbivores or omnivores, and briefly as carnivores. The main problem to solve is how to thrive with the least wasted energy. Human beings need a certain amount of food energy in order to thrive, just as any animal does. The problem for the web of life is, human beings have learned to harness energy for purposes other than survival, and have become energy gluttons, requiring a stupendous amount of energy just to maintain a typical urban-industrial way of life.

There is little doubt that human beings need to reduce their population, and reduce their addiction to energy.

Two changes: simple living, and lifespirit-centeredness; there is a mutual benefit each derives from the other. Simple living alone, without lifespirit-centeredness, can turn out to be boring, boorish, unfulfilling, unstable, and ultimately unsustainable Lifespirit-centeredness alone without a context to draw its inspiration, that being agrarian earth-centered way of life, is difficult to sustain in a high-tech materialistic cultural context.

Occasionally I have the opportunity to live a whole day with minimal energy requirements. Arising with sunrise, washing with just enough water, eating just enough food, avoiding radio, tv, computer entirely, spending the day reading, or walking, or making music, or resting, then going to sleep at sunset, I use very little energy and resources yet am fulfilled.

What makes the difference is finding satisfaction with awareness and existence itself, being transformed sunlight, lifespirit in human form. This makes the moment entirely fulfilling, entirely meaningful, as it is finding wholeness in, and as, the constant Presence of eternal lifespirit.

*

It really is all in the mind. Or, rather, in Mind. The quality of our entire experience of existence is determined by what we keep putting in the emptiness of Mind. Putting nice things in Mind is nicey nicey. Putting nasty things in Mind is nasty nasty. Putting nothing in Mind is to come to know Mind in its emptiness, and to know Self in its emptiness, both of which are the same Thing. That an animal can pass from basic animal Mind to increasingly complex human Mind--filled with mixture of nice and nasty--and then pass through that to Self-realization, Mind-realization, is astonishing. From the depths of confusion, of despair, the individual human can come to realize the true nature of Mind, of Self, which is emptiness, coextensive with the universe.

Having slept very little last night, it's easy to let go my hold on anything I've been holding. So now I let go, and live in this Mind, this Being, supported by the Self-Existent. Flat on my back on the ground of being, eyes open, with that No-Thing Thing looking out.

*

Walking on an errand, surrounded by freshly blooming youth of all species, all flowers of the tree of life. Some flowers male, some female, some four-legged, some two-legged...blades of grass, towering trees...all blossoms of the tree of life. It's time for some to bloom, time for some to wither and fall off the tree, nothing lost, the fallen blooms nourish, return to, the tree of life. Water returns to water, air to air, earth to earth, energy to energy, life to life, reabsorbed into the tree of life, the tree of all water, all air, all earth, all energy, all life.

In the loving arms of the tree of life I find my eternal rest, I find my eternal home. Eww...that sounds funereal...I just need rest, and I need to feel like I'm home, dammit. The bank owns my house, and I may or may not live to see the mortgage paid off. But that sense of being HOME, I haven't felt since I was a little boy, when I thought I'd live in the brick house on Cypress Avenue forever.

There was a precious span of years, when the world was still vast, unbroken, magical, slow-paced, serene, secure...before the parents' divorce, before the superhighway destroyed a wide swath of the neighborhood to the east of my house.

I remember the big trees, the peacefulness, the walks all around the neighborhood...the environment was all part of me, extension of me. And then the bulldozers and the quarreling and the moving from rental to rental, from parent to parent.

Only now have I found home again, a quality of being, my very own soul, here all along. I'm a flowering of the tree of life, and am at peace, secure, in the loving arms of the tree of life.

Thank you, tree of life. Thank you, Salvia. Thank you, destiny. Thank you, all my teachers, for all the lessons, even the hard ones. Thank you, my loving parents, my family, my friends, everyone whose path has ever crossed mine. I will try to be more mindful, so that when other flowers of the tree of life touch this one, there is sweet reunion to the greatest extent possible.

*

Curious experience this morning. Ate a small leaf then did my routine ablations. While showering, especially while running water on my body, my attention was fully engaged in current difficulties with people in the class I'm instructing, as well as marital issues. Perfectionism and authoritarianism vs lifeforce and Salvia. While walking to work still had the noisy mental images, and could do nothing but ride them out. Such fugues of conceptual suffering remind me that such suffering is widespread and to be mindful of that fact, and that the best thing I can do for others is to work on my own conceptual suffering, to offer my own spiritual liberation--once I've re-attained it!--to the world, by way of relationships. I can be the martinet spouse, the screaming instructor, but I don't have to be either. Being a confirmed contemplative, I have too much at stake to be controlled by my own "righteous" thoughts, by my own "righteous" anger. Access to the greatest treasure of the universe can easily be lost; awareness of the living presence can easily be blunted, by getting sucked in to dualism, to adversarial relationships. When I let my own true mind and my own true nature resume, in clarity, in living presence, there is peace, wholeness, freedom, joy, compassion, wisdom, understanding. Gracefully--gratefully--I can accept, and embrace, the people and the circumstances destiny has brought together, in "my" life. When "my" perspective, "my" perception, is in its pure state, there is constant serene stable sober awareness, waking lucid bliss, spontaneous being, spontaneous expression, spontaneous love of the nondual unconditional persuasion.

A kindred spirit met via the Internet referred to me as a "Saint-in-residence" on one of the public Salvia divinorum discussion groups. I will not argue with his assessment, whether his assessment is completely sincere or not. Many people have become aware of their "inner saint" that appears when conditions are favorable. The "inner saint" is the universal self, the true self, the inmost self, that everyone has from birth. This true self is also called the "soul," too often misunderstood to mean the personality, the individuality, so that some people believe their personality is immortal, their sense of discrete separate identity is immortal. No, no, no. The soul is the true self which has no abiding personality, no abiding identity, although omipresent. "My" soul: what a joke. Everyone's soul is the same Soul; everyone's true self is the same Self. Our dualistic, rugged-individualism culture has a hard time understanding nonduality. How I understand nonduality is a mystery. Nonduality is a curse at first, when surrounded by people profoundly dualistic, loved ones as well as strangers. Since then I've accepted my destiny and have learned to enjoy nonduality, since there's no going back anyway.

*

Hi, I'm Bill, and I'm a perfectionist. Some equivalent of a 12-step program has helped me become a recovering perfectionist. Surrendering to the higher-power-whatever-I-conceive-it-to-be has been most helpful in overcoming an adult lifetime of being miserable from perfectionism.

There is nothing perfect in the world of form, and nothing that approaches perfection stays that way. Existence is dynamic, to put it charitably; unstable, to put it kindly. Barely surviving, leaking money, resources, and energy like a sieve.

Is it any wonder I sought to know my true nature--Suchness, the universal buddha-nature--and the essence of Mind? Sought it--and got it--always had it--have it now--everyone has it, inseparable from it--pure mind, pure spirit, pure true original universal Self.

This planet is not a New Age paradise where everything is soooo perfect. The only perfection to be found, the only thing changeless in an eternal cauldron of ceaseless change, is Nothing. No thing. Formlessness. Voidness. Emptiness. In the eternal purity of the emptiness of the essence of mind the remains of a McDonald's Happy Meal appears.

Feasting on the living reality of the pure mind and true self makes me happy now, right now, only now. Now is all there is.

*

Must always start from where I happen to be, from how I happen to be...to accept the conditions I find myself at this moment, and work with it. This not only includes my personal circumstance, but the circumstance of the society. Of course this society has its aspects of loudness, loutishness, heedlessness, selfishness...ignorance, a.k.a. stupidity, is as abundant as hydrogen in the universe. That I have managed, in spite of everything, to cultivate a few cubic feet of flesh and have some semblance of self-realization is cause for wild celebration.

I don't mind going more than halfway with other beings, it's the least I can do. If I have to go 99.999999+ of the way, that's fine. What I am, what I understand, makes it all entirely meaningful. That I am an expression of lifeforce, and knowing that I am an expression of lifeforce, is both refuge and empowerment enough for the duration of this evanescent form of lifeforce. I never tire of communing, and communicating, with other expressions of lifeforce, of being a pathway of lifeforce to express its love for itself, to recognize itself in every form.

Actually, rather than name this Thing we are, calling it lifeforce or spirit or whatever, there's no reason not to call it what it can be correctly called, which is the universe. We are part of, and parts, of the universe, and we are points through which all of the energy and being of the universe passes. We can handle it, we're all made of the same stuff.

We should not be ashamed to talk about being one with the universe, or at one with the universe, or being the universe's eyes and hands and voice; to be cynical about this is as self-limiting and damaging as being cynical about love, or about peace, or about peace and love: to many, such values are nothing but "hippie horseshit" and "New Age crapola" so they dismiss it, ignore it, and go back to the all-important pursuit of wealth, thinking like people are supposed to think.

Still, I favor referring to the Stuff as spirit, if only because I can see, with these very eyes, spirit as a field of energy around things. I look at these hands and see a subtle etheric cloud around them, and the formation of arcs in between fingertips that move as the path between the fingertips of right and left hand shift position relative to each other. I see what I see, and I've been seeing this ever since the evening when, as a teenager, I was holding my outstretched arms above my head as I lay on the floor and saw to my astonishment, against the white ceiling lit by white incandescent bulbs, the field of energy around my fingers, and the arcs between fingertips of opposite hands following the shifting positions of right and left hands. This was, and is, direct optical perception of spirit, the part of us that extends beyond the skin, the bioenergetic field itself.

Seeing this, it's not difficult to let the implications take my understanding to places not commonly traveled. What is this radiant field? It exists all around, in the 'empty' space around me, around every form. It flows between forms, interpenetrates, visibly. What IS this that I see? I see what I see, and this I see. The reality of spirit, the reality of living universal energy. This is what we are.

It sees through these eyes, hears through these ears, speaks through this voice, writes through these fingers. It is the same spirit, living in everyone, and lives forever. As this universal spirit, I live forever, already.

Every existence and awareness is the existence and awareness of the universal spirit.

*

Awareness, being, is universal substance, universal energy, universal spirit, universal life. This is what we are. We are one substance/energy/spirit/life. To be an expression of THIS, to be an expression of WHAT WE ARE, is all one could ask for.

*

As a being of life-spirit my identity is that which is awareness, being, livingness, which is life-spirit. I cannot say I am male, female, young, old, white, brown, of any particular nationality, religion, ethnicity, sociopoliticoeconomic group, etc. I am only the common universal life-spirit, ubiquitous, the life of every life, the form of every form, the life-spirit.

I have to smile and laugh silently when watching a group of people who identify themselves as a distinct and separate identity, who take great pride in their shared exclusive identity, their common heritage.

What more common heritage could there be than life-spirit?

When I look at a living being nowadays, be it person, plant, or animal, I see only the life-spirit in that form, and the life-spirit in that form sees the life-spirit in this form. This ground of being, life-spirit, is the true, universal self of every being, the ultimate equality, cosmic egalitarianism.

Eat my flesh if you will, before this flesh dies or afterward, it's what you must do to live. The life-spirit will prevail, just as love will conquer all.

*

In Osaka, Japan, a commuter train derailed recently, killing and maiming hundreds. The cause: excessive speed. The driver lost 90 seconds and was trying to make it up so that the schedule could be met. Evidently train transfer timeframes are extremely tight in Japan, plus/minus two minutes being all one has to catch or miss a train. Evidently life in urban Japan is even more fucking insane than in other urban shitholes.

90 seconds. 90 goddamn seconds. This tragedy sums up the sickness of urban-industrial-military-commercial society.

From now on, the form my protest will take will be Slowness. Leisurely, casually, unapologetically slow, in speech, in driving, in walking, in moving, in everything. Publicly, privately. Those Osakan victims will not have died in vain. They are martyrs for the cause of Slowness, of serenity, of the Inner Destination having been reached, in the eternal Now. They are martyrs for the cause of Presence, of the gentle serene grace of the indwelling, universal life-spirit.

*

It's impossible to predict when a quantum shift in one's perception, perspective and priorities will happen. There is a stage when one becomes less the householder/wage slave and more the monk on the Happy Excursion, taking the scenic route to the deathbed. Everyone matures at their own pace, in their own sweet time.

*

How terribly important, how totally meaningful, it is just to greet each other, even if we're 'strangers' to each other. Exchanging greetings is an expression of mutual recognition, mutual respect, the Great Everyday Namaste. It is lifespirit itself exchanging greetings with itself.

Our culture is overdriven, in overdrive, in a grim pursuit of more, faster, sooner, something better, something else. Driven by desire, driven by greed, driven by fear, driven by the will of another...this begs the question: who is in charge of my body, of me? Who is OUR driver? Who, or what, is driving us?

By some fortunate series of experiences I am able to recognize my own true inmost self, the ultimate Driver, the One who's really in charge in all beings: lifespirit.

Standing before the Salvias this morning, taking tiny leaf of green communion, I exist in perfect freedom. Lifespirit is the essence of freedom. Lifespirit doesn't need much to be free, just as nature, the symphony of lifespirit, is always in a state of wild freedom. Plant, prey, predator live in perfect freedom of being.

Spiritual freedom is lifespiritual freedom, to exist fully as lifespirit. No longer bound by false identity, no longer driven by anything or anyone other than lifespirit, no longer enslaved by fears and desires, spiritual freedom is realized in the eternal now, as lifespirit, by lifespirit, in lifespirit.

*

Having known extreme troubledness, I choose to let the untroubled lifespirit reign supreme in my heart of hearts. The cool, clear, pure ever-flowing lifespirit, finding the spring in the forest to slake my thirst, to bathe and become clean.

Mankind's footprint on the earth must be as light as it was in paleolithic times, once again. We must unbuild our cities and tear up our highways and dismantle our factories and reduce our numbers. We must do this if we want a planet capable of sustaining life, a planet worth living on.

The natural world is under attack. When mankind has 'conquered' nature sufficiently well it will have conquered its means of survival.

On this approaching five-year anniversary of my first Salvia divinorum journey I will journey deep enough to try to learn from nature how I may help...what is nature's intent for me, and for my species.

*

This is the right time, this is the right place. It is always the right time, and the right place. Lifespirit belongs everywhere, now.

To be mindful of lifespirit, to be the expression of lifespirit, the instrument of lifespirit, is the fulfillment of lifespirit. Lifespirit is complete, ever-living, ever-changing, enjoying perfect freedom.

*

I cast a stealthy eye toward the eyes of other beings. To recognize the lifeforce that strides toward me is the natural response in a healthy culture. Alas, the culture in which I was born and raised, as blessed in material goods as it is, is not as healthy a culture as it could be. Fantastic technology and immaculate indoor plumbing is very nice, but I miss the frank displays of mutual respect and universal love that characterized living among the people on The Farm, the intentional spiritual vegan psychedelic community of kindred spirits. No-one had much in the way of material goods on The Farm, and the cold, coed outhouses were the rule rather than the exception, but when members of The Farm passed each other on the road, even unacquainted members, there were always greetings and eye contact, bright loving peaceful eyes.

I reminisce because while walking back to work after lunch at home I passed a college student walking on the same sidewalk in my neighborhood who avoided my glance. His ears were stuffed with white earbuds with white wires dangling out, a sight becoming so widespread. Human beings born in this culture are often doomed to a life of relentless self-absorption and self-gratification, heedless of lifespirit, heedless of anyone else but themselves except those who promise to gratify them.

Had things been a little different, I would still be living on The Farm or something like it, and not getting self-indulgent with regret and writing as I am now.

I'm one of The Farm's diaspora, a Farm of One...living on The Farm if only in this body, this awareness. A piece of The Farm, doing spiritual outreach in the midst of a very sick society.

*

The truth is realized in solitude, and applied in relationships. The truth of the lifespirit is wonderful indeed, but it's the expression of lifespirit in relationships that beckons me now. In the moment of endless duration, when two or more are gathered, the shared recognition of lifespirit, the shared respect for lifespirit's presence in each other, the unconditional love of lifespirit for lifespirit, infuses every relationship.

It's not the words, it's not the activity...it's the lifespirit behind all words and activity. To share presence, to share common lifespirit, in the moment of endless duration, is the universe keeping company with itself--one universal lifespirit, eternal communion with, and through, and in, its many rising and falling forms.

*

When I'm experiencing--or rather getting reminded about--my true self, I am in a state of perfect freedom, yes, and also a state that is characterized by an identity that is independent of roles and relationships. I am profoundly solitary, and am unconcerned about defining myself as married, or male, or old. In the sweet solitude, with unencumbered time, with unconditioned awareness, I am that I am.

*

A rough ragged weekend finally comes to an end. When it's a relief to come back to work, that confirms the nature of the weekend experience. Houseful of squawling little kids, annoying housebound hyperreactive hurly-burly in a freak late April snowstorm. A Sunday night of blessed solitude, squandered, overindulgent, and self-indulgent. Chewed Salvia leaves and had to meet the Teacher Plant 99% of the way, which is not surprising. How many times has She met me 99% of the way. The important thing is, we meet, and I get a lesson, and I understand.

The overindulgence led to the 4 a.m. wakeup call. Sleep would not return. Finally rose at 5:30, fixed breakfast, went upstairs, lit all the candles, ate two very green leaves, and the lesson of the previous evening was re-emphasized.

The lesson was, is, always will be: lifespirit. We are the eyes of lifespirit, the hands, the legs, the voice, the ears, the skin. Nothing religious, nothing scientific, nothing superstitious, nothing magical. Just the immense lifespirit, expressing, living, intercommunicating, consuming and being consumed, absorbing and being absorbed, a perpetual being, the life and being of every life, every being.

The delicious realization that transforms the moment is that we are lifespirit. To be this makes it possible to understand, to accept, all pain, all loss, all change. There is only the very real presence of lifespirit, here, there, everywhere, in every form. We are as much lifespirit as we are willing to understand. The requisite surrender of the false self is frightening, painful, then as the true self, lifespirit, assumes control and fully expresses, as one's true self, true identity, surrender becomes natural, and effortless.

The surrender to lifeforce is in fact preparation for the inevitable, whatever may come. Whether the grating annoyance or stunning life crisis, the unexpected will happen as it will. Of course, the Big Inevitable is the death of the human organism; preparation for this event, and learning to cope with the knowledge of the fact of death's inevitability, is a wise and worthwhile pursuit.

I wish everyone could know the liberating empowerment of recognizing the lifespirit; I particularly wish, or regret, that my dead friends and family members could have recognized it while still alive and communicative. To share lifespirit, to have mutual recognition of lifespirit, is to share surrendering to lifespirit, and live forever, inseparable, as one, one and the same lifespirit. To have this kind of understanding with another requires uncompromising honesty, courage and effort. I have seldom had the opportunity to reach this depth of understanding with another, to share this recognition, to make a pact, or covenant, with another based on mutual recognition of the universal lifespirit in each other. When the opportunity arises, I am exquisitely prepared for it.

Even without this admittedly ultra-intense communion with another kindred spirit, there is the fact that everyone is, in essence, a kindred spirit, in that we all are manifestations of lifespirit whether the manifestations know it or not. Just as Salvia and I must pick up the slack as necessary in order to connect, sometimes me making 99% of the effort, sometimes Salvia making 99% of the effort, we connect, and so it is between two manifestations of lifespirit. There is mutual recognition in every encounter; lifespirit recognizes lifespirit, even though one, or both, of the lifespirit manifestations is mired in false notions and false identity.

*

Went for a long walk yesterday to work off acute stress, anxiety, depression, over an unexpected material-plane setback. Fortunately it was a fairly warm, sunny afternoon, and the long hike to the nature preserve was just what I needed. I was able to regain the great natural aplomb that is characteristic of the voluntary simpleton.

And today I am Bodhidharma, clear-headed and unsentimental. "In vast emptiness there is nothing holy." Indeed. This pure empty natural universal mind of mine, senses going in and out, thoughts rising and falling, emotional states rising and falling, all witnessed in this great oceanic field of pure mind.

Also it occurred to me, I can do what I can to maintain fiscal and physical health, and accept what is outside my control. The important thing is spiritual health. Physical health and spiritual health are inextricably intertwined, although it would probably be better to have spiritual health over physical health rather than physical health without spiritual health.

What, then, is spiritual health, and how do you know you have it, or not? Spiritual health is the same as spiritual freedom. Spiritual freedom is, as I see it this moment, living in the clarity, the presence, the reality, the purity, of the universal mind.

*

It always gets down to the present, to what is, working with what we are, how we are, how circumstances are. No matter how numerous and serious my foolish mistakes, I must restart from where I am. Joy of joys, the present, what is, what we are, where we are, is Spirit. Spirit is. In this moment Spirit abides, always. Once Spirit is found abiding here, now, as the true Self, returning to the Source, the inmost Self, the ever-abiding Spirit, is perpetual redemption, always at hand.

I should be a pope, talking like this.

Ahh, I'm okay enough with Self-realization. Surrendering to my inmost Self and letting it take over is quite enough.

*

Now that material energy and resources are getting more expensive and in shorter supply, it's getting closer to the time when our culture will have to rethink and change its wayward path. How much does a human being really NEED in order to be fulfilled?

Again I am somewhat embarrassed by my own accumulation of material playthings and my own energy consumption habits. Do I really need computer, digital camera, cable tv, cell phone, amateur radio gear? I am very content with acoustic guitar, hand drum, candles, plants, paper and pen, books, cats. Broadcast radio receiver too. Analog camera would be just fine, maybe better than digital in that I would be forced to acquire prints of images at the time of processing, rather than routinely squirrelling them away, unseen and unseeable, on the computer's hard drive.

The point is, happiness, fulfillment, freedom, is found in Spirit, NOT Things. When Spirit is realized, we realize it is Spirit living this life, in every form. We see our true self as Spirit, and we see Spirit in all things. A culture based on Spirit is not only wise and compassionate, but also sustainable, in harmony with all life.

*

The loss of individual identity (i.e., the false identity, the illusion of separate selfhood) is a terrifying prospect to the persons who believe they are separate selves. Personal immortality, an eternal existence as a separate self, is the fervent hope, and some organized religions play into this wishful thinking. Flattering the ego thusly, these religions promote the worst kind of selfishness, the worst kind of chauvinism, the worst kind of deluded thinking. These religions justify a materialistic, selfish, alienated way of life, worship of the individual, contempt for the natural world. To these benighted souls, human beings are not animals, not apes, not part of the web of life at all, but something separate and special, favored by a remote deity and claiming salvation by virtue of adhering to a belief system to please a remote deity. The old parent/alpha/dominant-child/beta/submissive relationship writ large and numerous.

To the free-thinking, open-minded individual, the loss of individual identity is understood, and fully accepted, even embraced. For a flowering bud on the tree of life to expect to remain a flowering bud forever is absurd, and impossible. There will always be flowering buds on the tree of life, but there can be no expectation of eternal life as a particular flowering bud.

The flowering bud of the tree of life can only express the vitality, the goodness, the love, the authenticity, of the tree of life, for it is every bit the tree of life, and the life of the tree of life.

*

Animism and indigeneity. The universe is alive, and we belong here. No-one "owns" any living thing, any part of the universe. The universe owns us, IS us.

The absurdity of Rugged Individualism. Each of us human beings is a cell among countless cells comprising the Ever-Living. When a cell "dies" it is reabsorbed into the Ever-Living, the Greater Body, the True Self, nourishing it, nourishing other cells. What we are, everything about us, is held in common: Awareness is Awareness is Awareness, wherever it is found. Life is Life is Life, wherever it is found. One life, one awareness.

The life in the trees and plants and insects and birds and animals and people is the same life.

*

Took a hike to the closest wetlands to the north, an easy walk from home. No-one usually goes into these wetlands as they are usually...wet. A few dry sunny windy days and the wetlands were relatively dry, dry enough to penetrate all the way through.

Once in the middle of these wetlands, I chewed a few fresh leaves of Salvia divinorum. Prior to chewing the leaves I felt somewhat besaged--as if having the leaves in my pocket was enough of an enhancement. A few minutes into chewing, I felt accentuation of lifeforce and identification with it, and commenced to talking with the surrounding flora. Deer trails became as plain as highways, criss-crossing the woodland floor.

I emerged on the east side of the wetlands where there were fields, ponds, and large gnarly trees. Lots of sandpipers. There was also a new gravel path through the northern part of the wetlands, winding east to the ponds and west to the power line right of way. A mockingbird in a treetop sang its complex series of borrowed melodies.

I took many pictures with the digital camera, even while besaged.

Lessons learned: be natural, be ordinary, just like the beings of lifeforce. Good posture, freedom in every posture, constant freedom, mind clear, mind free. Refrain from inflicting, or suffering from, pain. (My left lower root canal acted up while chewing the quid, resulting in piercing intense pain, which eventually went away--it feels so good to be pain-free!)

This morning went upstairs with Furby and played guitar and sang a bit. Coming home, to the soul, the spirit, the lifeforce, the ever-living. All I am to do for the rest of my days is recognize, and love, my fellow beings filled with the same lifeforce. Life recognizes life. Life loves life. We should be showering each other with love, all over this planet. It's the thinking rationalizing deluded distracted mind that keeps us from expressing universal unconditional love, the love of lifeforce for itself.

*

Took a long bicycle trip into Amish country Saturday, 25 miles to the south-southeast, to Firestone Road. Lots of Amish farms, saw Amish men plowing fields with teams of horses and Amish children looking ethereally innocent, standing by the road. Simple, grounded life, close to the earth. I felt like an alien from outer space with my helmet and strange recumbent bicycle. Amish people are an amazing example of an indigenous culture thriving in the midst of a deeply troubled not-yet-indigenous techno-urban-industrial sophisticated culture.

The question is, who would be happy to live close to the earth after a life of cable tv, internet, cars, electricity, climate control? Who would be willing to do manual labor instead of conceptual labor? To grow the food you eat rather than go to the local supermarket? To live in a way where you don't have hardly any money, but where you don't need hardly any money?

*

Animism, or 'neo-animism,' can enable people to live an enchanted life, that is, being enchanted by lifespirit itself. Anyone who wants to live an enchanted life can do so. The problem is that too many people are ignorant of lifespirit and substitute money, power, fame, material possessions, and self-indulgence for the enchantment of lifespirit. The growing stress on the biosphere, violence, poverty, war arise from disconnection from lifespirit, from nature.

Our strength comes from the lifespirit. Living simply in, or near, the forest, aboriginal animists are aware of the presence of lifespirit in themselves, in plants, animals, trees, streams, rocks, earth, sky. The world is enchanted with lifespirit.

I make attempts to connect with the local lifespirit by walking to the remaining woods and open spaces, and by bicycling far out into the countryside. I also confer often with the cats sharing my house, and with the plants growing upstairs and in the concrete castle where I work.

Animism becomes all-consuming during a Salvia journey in the forest and field, when I am made very receptive to the lifespirit dwelling in the plants and animals and earth and sky. When I am receptive this way, I can receive the silent wisdom, the silent truth, from nature. We have an understanding, a bond, a shared essence and purpose.

Whatever label I can be stuck with--animist, neo-animist, pantheist, pagan, neo-pagan--is beside the point. The important thing is, for me and for everyone, to be aware of the presence of universal lifespirit, to let it resume control, to do its will.

*

Remembering the peak of Salvia quid meditation: "I don't need much room to be free" "It feels so good just to stand" "It feels so good just to sit" "It feels so good just to be"

The existential freedom and completeness, facilitated by the living plant Salvia divinorum, has helped me immeasurably to understand, and to cope. Heaven knows I have a lot to cope with.

I'm getting to the point where I am ready for a reminder from this plant of pure spirit what it's like to be pure spirit, the 'quantum self' of which Dr. Zohar speaks. Material circumstances are not quite dire, but certainly in serious disarray, and are a major distraction.

Simplifying my own life is all I can do--I can't force anyone else to simplify, as much as I want to. I owe it to myself to be more integrated so that I can show through example how desirable it is to be integrated and with few desires.

I know a young couple with children who are barely getting by, and having much marital stress. Being salt-of-the-earth is fine, but when there is no commitment to spiritual values, only worship of a jumbo television screen and motorized vehicles, there is no basis for wholeness. Worldly ignorance, a lack of formal education, can be overcome; spiritual ignorance, lack of insight, is a living hell. There is a place for church, it being ideally a hospital for those sick with spiritual ignorance. I would be happy just to see this family turn off the goddamned television and start to read--anything. And go for walks, as a family, getting out of the house and being outside, together, and gather shared experiences of real life.

I have an almost uncontrollable urge to take a sledgehammer to every television screen I see.

*

The problem is "me." I must live with me.

The thing is, must I die with me too.

I would rather live in something a little more real, a little more eternal, than me. I would prefer to live in lifespirit, and die in lifespirit, as lifespirit. That would make for a good life, and a good death, and a good immortality.

*

Always I come back to Awareness. There is Awareness, no doubt. Is Awareness something I must make a conscious effort to maintain? Is this "my" awareness, i.e., Bill Ruth's awareness? This is the Awareness that came with this body. This Awareness is this body's Awareness. This body has, in essence, no name, and is not mine really, being as it is water, earth, sunlight, stardust, sky, lifespirit. Awareness is life's Awareness, lifespirit's Awareness, the universe's Awareness.

Whose Awareness is this?

*

To live a simple, direct, ordinary, ingenuous life, doing what needs to be done, engaged in the basic activities of daily life with full attention, the activity at hand being not a means to an end but the end in itself...walking, and only walking, for the sake of walking; eating, and only eating...etc. Simple things. One simple thing after another. That's the true life of true self. My cats have been showing me the way.

The cats. I adore them, I worship them, they are the supreme being, pure spirit, in charge. Fur and purr, paws and claws, they do their best to communicate with me, as do I with them. The universal language is love, mutual affection, mutual trust, mutual respect. In their eyes I see another person, another awareness, and when they look in my eyes they see likewise. To be an animal is something worth striving toward. To have the legitimate needs of the animal, and legitimately trying to meet those simple needs.

*

Slept better last night, and am catching on that no matter what, love is the answer, love is the solution, love is all we need. Love of life for all life. Simple, obvious, true.

*

Yesterday went for a long walk, carrying as little as possible, with the intention of the walk to be a meditation. It was. Told myself to be wide open to anything and everything, just as it is. Realized how judgmental I'd gotten, and judgmental = dualistic. The young guys zooming past with stereos blaring, that's me; the kids playing in the street, that's me; the old man visiting the gravesite, that's me. All equal, all expressions of my own inmost nature. Me in various ages and stages. I was young and foolish not that long ago.

Came home and after finishing all the chores went upstairs to check on the plants. One small cutting, more than ready for putting in soil, was finally put in soil. One of the Salvia vines was broken near the base of the main stem, yet leaves were healthy, even though evermore severed from roots, soil, water. I extricated the whole vine, broke off the top and made a cutting in water of it, and removed the remaining leaves from the vine, eight leaves in all. Then and there chewed the leaves, swallowing the juices as they were produced, and chewed the remaining pulp until it vanished. As I chewed I tended the plants, watering and rearranging the vines.

The effects from the chewed leaves came soon, and I had to retire to the guest bed, where in the waning light of dusk I lay supine, having epiphany after epiphany, which could be summed up as the statement I made repeatedly in the throes of status epiphanicus: "No need to worry, you're a branch on the vine."

A bit later I went upstairs and lit one candle and sat before the plants, their leaves luminous and wholesome with lifespirit. It felt so good to sit. And then I stood before the plants, and it felt so good to stand, erect, solid, secure, complete, relaxed. Various tai chi like moves felt good, sweeping the branches of my arms, fully extended, all of me a tree, a very supple tree, imbued with lifeforce.

After a short sleep, early morning insomnia, started the day in earnest, and went upstairs to thank the plants. Today's afterglow and today's fresh understanding have found me to be in a state of optimal well-being and perfect posture.

Just walk. Just stand. Just sit. Just rest. Just work. Just be the inmost being in the midst of inmost being.

*

I think it's time to screw up the courage to once again use the maligned, misunderstood, misappropriated word "(spiritual) Enlightenment."

It used to be that people would shamelessly, sincerely, seek Enlightenment. Sages over the ages have lured us by the promise of Enlightenment. The Enlightenment of Siddhartha Gautama a.k.a. "The Buddha" is the most famous Enlightenment. People who hear of Enlightenment know it is a Good Thing, and understandably want it for themselves. People jump through whatever hoops they think they have to jump through in order to "become Enlightened" or to "be Enlightened." They will pay any price for Enlightenment, go to the farthest reaches of the planet to "find Enlightenment," follow any leader who promises Enlightenment.

I have my own experience on what constitutes a workable Enlightenment: it is realizing one's true identity, realizing who's living this life, who's suffering, who's aging, who's going to die. It's realizing one's correct identity, absolute identity, ultimate identity, real identity, radical identity, which is "that eternal thing" about which Alan Watts has so eloquently written.

The litmus test for the presence of genuine capital-E Enlightenment is if it works for the person. It's an existential, experiential, noetic condition within the person. If it satisfies the person from tips of toes to top of head and everything in between, that's proof positive. If there is wild inexpressible boundless freedom, compassion, joy, peace, and fulfillment experienced within the person, that's what it is, no matter what you want to label it; "Enlightenment" is as good a term as any for such a condition.

Further proofs of genuine Enlightenment include its stability; its constancy; its undeniability; its irrefutability; its self-sustainability; its intrinsicality. The latter quality is thoroughly convincing, compelling, that everyone can be Enlightened because everyone is this glorious true identity, a shared true identity, an identical identity, the inexpressible wealth within, the treasure of what we eternally are. That's why people who are Enlightened are not just Buddhas, but Bodhisattvas: Gautama couldn't possibly want to keep Enlightenment to himself, and neither can we. Everyone needs Enlightenment!!! Everyone!!!

Otherwise all is suffering...life's a bitch and then you die. Enlightenment is eternal life in the eternal present in the eternal One as the eternal One.

*

Read a good op-ed about the recently-deceased pope, referring to thoughts of Thomas Merton, and how the pope's suffering was indeed a testimonial to how the divine life within us carries us through all suffering to the end.

This coincides with my current work, which is finding the way to accept suffering, bear suffering, and even flourish in the midst of suffering.

Surely all things are impermanent, and everything is changing, dynamic as all existence as form in this universe must be, consuming and being consumed. What can withstand, what can survive, what can cope with, the suffering inherent with existence as form?

In the midst of pain, poverty, hunger, disease, loss of everything and everyone, what prevails?

In a word, spirit.

As long as there is the presence of spirit, and spirit is aware of spirit, there lies the way through it all, to the end.

*

Spring Fever rages on, will be almost 80 degrees today with sun, then the thunderstorms are coming in. All this will really wake up and rejuvenate things even more than they are at the moment.

This influx of energy is difficult to manage--can only surrender to it and fully experience it.

Am so tired. Fatigue is an ego-breaker. Have just enough strength to simply let go and be pure awareness, pure lifespirit. My identity is hanging by the slenderest of threads.

*

Hiked to the Great South Woods yesterday. Still some snow from the April blizzard the day before, but plenty warm enough, although the wind was still strong. Had eaten some scraggly Salvia leaves that morning with modest besagement, so plucked two large deep green elderly leaves that were close to the window and took them with me on the hike. Once on the trail I ate them, and felt the distinct sweating heating effects, and besagement. Tarried in the woods a while, finding signs of life, buds starting to leaf.

Besagement and my baseline awareness are becoming indistinguishable. The challenge is to cultivate a durable liberated baseline awareness that will remain liberated in the midst of an artificial world of confusion and delusion. For when I am in the liberated awareness, I am not only liberated, but liberating.

At the moment I feel very liberated. No leaves this morning either. What a comfort zone, Awareness itself, the ground of being itself. Just to be this is cool deep peace, liberating peace.

*

This morning, at my cat Furby's insistence, he and I spent a few minutes in the little upstairs room where I play guitar, drum, sit, stretch out on a mat, grow plants, light candles and rediscover my living essence. This morning, though, other than to check on the tender new cuttings and praise Furby, I did nothing much until eating half a small fresh leaf, the other half having already dried up. As soon as I tasted the bitterness I felt the unmistakable ontological nudge, and stood before the plants in the fullness of ecstatic being, or enstatic being, or both. Just that micro-amount of living Salvia tissue precipitated a cascade of enhanced perception. I am, obviously, living flesh. This is quite the revelation for one such as me who has spent a lifetime living a more or less conceptual life, a head trip if you will...

To be this organism, alive, aware, aware of awareness, aware of aliveness, aware of my sentient flesh moving slowly and in perfect ontological freedom...half a leaf this morning and then this...

*

With practice, I think anyone can learn how to see the aura of life energy. It's almost a matter of faith: first to have faith that the life energy aura does indeed exist, then to make the effort to look the right way, in the right place, for it. The more one practices seeing the aura, the easier it is to see, until the air is thick with energy field.

I was annoyed, then amused, to read an article Time magazine recently ran debunking Reiki treatments, the author expressing no belief whatsoever in the existence of any "universal life force energy" which is what Reiki utilizes for healing. This is the fundamental ignorance of shallow materialistic science that can only see the surface appearance of things, the apparent shapes, and doesn't try to see around, and between, the shapes. It's strange how science can claim that the universe is energy, and that the matter in the universe is condensed energy, and yet not see the actual energy nature and behavior and appearance of things as they are. There is nothing suspect or unscientific or of quackery about the universe of energy: it's what is, it's what we are. To harness this energy for healing and for insight is cutting-edge stuff, utilization and exploration of the stuff of the universe for the good of all.

I see what I see. I experience what I experience. I understand what I understand. I am what I am. All this, reproducibly, consistently, undeniably. I am too old to accept self-delusion: I must know what I need to know. And this is happening.

I ate one old leaf that just separated from a Salvia plant this morning, one leaf, chewed and swallowed in a minute. That was just enough to trigger the 'truth response' where I directly experienced my livingness, my flesh, my oneness with all that lives. How beautiful is the truth of nature, and to be part of this truth, in the flesh, is wonderful beyond words.

*

Spring fever is returning, the intoxication of resurgent life. Plants and animals are mine, and I am theirs, and we are one life. There is nothing I can do about this feeling of bliss. I can only live with it, recognize it, accept it.

I understand how troubled deluded negative people can't handle the influx of spring energy, life energy. The life energy pushes those people further into depression. Learning how to ride the energy is not easy at first but with patience, practice and persistence it can be done. I'm proof of that.

*

I understand why some contemplatives take a vow of silence. No more so quick to define, to analyze, to explain. Just observe, and listen, in silence. Without being silent it is difficult to listen. Without abeyance of thinking it is difficult to observe. It takes an empty vessel to be filled with the new wine of lifespirit.

*

Woke up this morning around 4, and did some soul-searching and priority-straightening. After all these decades of trial and error, what works best of all is love, sweet love. Total love. Pure love. Universal love. Unconditional love. So simple, so real. Love everyone, every being, everything, in the ways each can receive love.

One of the most blissful experiences in my ordinary day-by-day life is having a lapful of cats. The whole litter of cats, under our care, three brothers and a sister, are all so big that all four can barely fit on my lap. These furry animals remind me that I, too, am an animal, not quite as furry as they, but an animal nonetheless. Animal, animated by the same lifespirit. They recognize me, make eye contact with me, and get my attention by vocalizing to me, or or by touching me. The relationship is one of mutual trust, mutual affection, mutual recognition, mutual respect. There is two-way communication, and what is communicated primarily is love.

The most unlovable animals are humans. I can feel more kindly toward an earthworm than I can toward an arrogant human. Yet I must learn to love completely, unconditionally, without exceptions...to love even the unlovable. To forgive the sin by loving the sinner.

*

I have had every advantage, every opportunity, to grow spiritually. Even though my personal life is ragged, chaotic, it is stable enough to pursue spiritual growth and to enjoy spiritual illumination.

While walking to work this morning I talked to myself, aloud, about what the minimum requirements are for spiritual illumination, spiritual liberation. The requirements are minimal: existence, awareness, awareness of existence and awareness of awareness. The circumstances do not matter. The fundamental requirement is self-awareness. Most people meet that requirement. With self-awareness, the all-important question that provides the impetus to self-realization: "Who am I?"

When The Big Question is pursued with utmost sincerity, with persistence, there will come The Big Answer.

The problem is, most people are too preoccupied to ask The Big Question, and never get The Big Answer.

The beauty of spiritual illumination is that it is simple, inexpensive, portable, durable, and useful. Spiritual illumination, i.e. the spirit's self-illumination while in a temporary form, can be enjoyed, and applied, in any circumstance: rich, poor, young, old, healthy, sick. As long as there is self-awareness there is the potential for spiritual illumination.

The fact of existence and awareness is both a requirement for spiritual illumination and spiritual illumination itself. This very existence, this very awareness, is universal existence, universal awareness, immortality, the One.

The One assumes all forms. The form that realizes it is a form of the One lives forever, and is free even while in temporary, limited form.

This insight of the One, by the One, makes the inevitable uncertainties, changes, and losses of the life of form bearable. If the One, living in this form, has come to know itself to be in this form, then loss, poverty, illness, old age and death are graciously accepted.

Whatever it takes to wake up the One living in form...otherwise the One is unknown, and a false being clings to the life of form, afraid of loss and change and death, not knowing he is the One in form.

*

Spiritual maturation is by nature a novel experience. There is no way to feign, or simulate, maturity; there is no way to know what it's like to be mature before maturity unfolds within one.

Maturity is transmissible, is contagious, in the sense that the quality-of-being of a mature individual embraces everyone around him, brings out the best, the most mature aspects, of everyone around him.

Maturity can be defined as the process whereby the flow of lifespirit in an individual smooths out the rough edges of egotism, and breaks the dams of selfishness, to sculpt an individual into a liberated, liberating, joyful, peaceful, loving conduit of lifespirit.

The mature person has developed the ability to love so well that love conquers all.

*

High technology and lifespirit mix as well as oil and water. High technology is the conduit of conceptual thinking, distraction, greed, fear, selfishness, form, style, duality. Lifespirit is the conduit of intuitive wisdom, generosity, love, essence, being, universality, spiritual beauty, wholeness, unity. High Tech is metal, glass, plastic, chemicals, electricity. Lifespirit is living flesh, awareness, fertile earth, water, sky, nature.

That being said, I find myself drawn to the power of the computer to write, and to communicate, and to share. Using high technology to help bring people together helps compensate for the drain it imposes on the planet's resources, for the damage it does to the collective psyche, when used to distract and distort.

--

In the world of duality there is ferocious cruelty while beings fight to survive as separate existences. It is an inescapable stage the universe must go through before parts of itself wake up to the reality of nonduality.

Love is the universal force that brings separate existences back together as one existence. Love precedes nonduality. Nonduality is the consummation and the culmination and the source of unconditional love.

Eye to eye, presence to presence, life to life, awareness to awareness, flesh to flesh, the communication and communion of all sentient beings is possible because we are one eternal being of one awareness, one flesh, one life.

--

It is so good to have found what I have been looking for. My life is complete.

Difficulties and the suffering have provided impetus to get to this understanding.

Such a simple thing, so ubiquitous, so obvious, as common as water.

Chi.

In honor of the Tao and those with clear penetrating insight into the Tao, I call it chi.

There is no good excuse, no reason at all, to deny the reality of chi, to deny that we are beings of chi, to deny that we are chi.

To deny the existence of chi, to refuse to identify with chi, is the source of misery, of the worst kind of ignorance.

To admit the reality of chi, to begin to understand chi, to recognize chi, to embrace chi, to be chi, is freedom and immortality, the end of all grief and sorrow, nothing less.

*

About a day after vernal equinox 2005, I awoke at 3 a.m. this morning and instead of reading myself back to sleep, I decided to take a couple candles up to the meditation room, with no particular plan to remain in the room. After lighting the candles I remained in the room, and decided to eat two fresh Salvia divinorum leaves. They were healthy leaves, difficult to pluck from the plant, but I didn't think there would be much effect, as my mouth was not cleansed and I did not hold the leaf juices very long. After a short while I realized that I once again underestimated the power of this plant. The room suddenly felt very warm. I stood before the plants, in erect primary qi gong posture, then moved in spontaneous improvised tai chi fashion, letting the chi be my guide.

Indeed.

It became clear to me then, and remains so, that it's all about chi. Chi in the plants, chi in me, chi in sentient beings, chi throughout the universe. To identify with the chi is to be immortal.

And so I go through this, and every, day, a simple being of chi, recognizing chi in every being, respectful and loving toward the chi.

Salvia divinorum is directly responsible for my successful perception of, and indentification with, chi. Salvia is truly a plant of power, the power of the chi, and a teacher plant, teaching chi by being chi and showing chi.

--

How sad to see people making things a higher priority than spirit. Words, thoughts, gadgets, any thing. People wrapped up in their world of thought-things, ignoring surroundings, ignoring sentient beings who pass nearby.

Truly what my culture needs desperately is a mass spiritual awakening.

--

It is the ultimate subversive act for a human being to be the universe rather than to the be nothing more than a culturally conditioned pawn of the culture he happened to spring forth within.

The universe just is: it doesn't judge, it doesn't compel, it doesn't have opinions or likes or dislikes, nothing right, nothing wrong.

Getting away from my species has helped liberate me from the insane treadmill of modern urban-industrial life.

--

One awareness
One flesh
One life
One love
Many forms
Imperfect impermanent forms
Of perfect eternal awareness, flesh, life, love

--

Spirit do the talking
Spirit do the walking
Spirit do the singing
Spirit do the hearing
Spirit do the watching
Spirit the awareness
Spirit the livingness
Spirit the form
Spirit the formless
Spirit the pure mind,
gently letting thoughts come,
and go
Spirit the selfless,
letting the mistakes happen,
as they must happen
O my true eye,
the eye of spirit, watching,
Letting it happen,
Letting it be,
Taking it all in,
silently

--

My life interests have taken a 180 degree turn recently, losing fascination with technology and artifice generally, and gaining fascination with matters of lifeforce. As tempting as it is to blame Salvia for my paradigm shift I must acknowledge that my whole life has been heading in this direction, whether I previously knew it or not.

The universal lifeforce. Awareness and being, of one universal essence.

Matters of lifeforce are matters of highest priority: survival, meaning, love, joy, peace, fulfillment, illumination, freedom.

Lifeforce = spirit. Spiritual pertains to this spirit, the lifeforce. Spiritual well-being, spiritual illumination, spiritual growth, are matters of the highest priority.

Although I'm a married householder I'm very much now a monk, a priest. What am I to do, leave my spouse, sell the house? It's all in the mind. What matters most is being lifeforce, being present, fulfilling the requirements of being lifeforce.

--

Cleaned up the meditation room last night. What a difference it makes to simplify and subtract and tidy up. No electrical gadgets, no plasticware visible. Candles, shell, stones, crystal, buckeye. Room filled with healthy plants. A chair and a mat.

Ate a few odd leaves as I rearranged the Salvias and had a surprisingly strong journey. Had to lie down. Confronted an ugly anger/relationship issue, a selfish demonic aspect I had not effectively dealt with until last night. Worked through it, and made progress. Love has prevailed.

--

The effort required for spiritual awaking is impossible to circumvent. There are no shortcuts. The necessary mistakes, suffering, thinking-through, self-discipline, voluntary virtuousness, are required. There is no substitute for serious sustained deep contemplation.

The payoff of all that spiritual pain and spiritual effort is spiritual illumination.

Last evening, on the brink of exhaustion, I chewed a few small fresh Salvia leaves and drummed a bit, then stretched out supine on the upstairs bed. The besagement was subtle. Even so, I was able to enjoy the benefits of relaxed body, and open mind, and understood so clearly the durable living liberating reality of these bland concepts:

This awareness is life's awareness.

This body is life's body.

This life is life's life.

Thus ends the false life. Thus begins the true life. In this moment, over and over as necessary, override the false with the true.

--

The pressures of the problems of daily life, especially those which come from a chronic imperfectness, a difficult situation, can be interpreted radically differently: a negative interpretation plunges one into anger, frustration, despair; a philosophic interpretation plunges one into deeper, clearer understanding of suffering and the end of suffering. Today I have experienced both such interpretations. My situation, looked at idealistically, is hopeless. I should run screaming away from it. Looking at the same situation from a philosophic perspective, my situation is just garden-variety samsara, the imperfect impermanent mess that always was, always will be. With the correct perspective, the samsaric mess is the perfect fertilizer to grow nirvana, in fact, samsara is nirvana: everything is the same except the reactive, illusory, nonexistent self is seen for what it is, nonexistent, at which point it ceases to exist, and all that exists is universal mind, universal essence, pure mind, pure essence, empty mind, empty essence. A rich essence dancing forever, held in the transparent universal mind. Every sentient being is this universal essence, and has this universal mind.

Such a realization is nirvana-in-samsara, a durable everyday enlightenment. This is a sober silent subtle awareness, and requires great effort to attain, even though it is our essence of mind and essence of being all along. We are so distracted, so deluded, so attached to so many things, mental and physical things, especially attached to the concept of having a self, a separate, special self.

The exhortations of the spiritual masters to be virtuous is not because there is any payoff to being virtuous per se. Being virtuous gives us the space and the proper condition to WAKE UP to the presence of universal mind, universal essence. It's not enough to have a conceptual understanding of being one with everything. Such an understanding is unsustainable when put to the test of daily imperfections, daily impermanences. Suffering continues to happen until and unless the self is no more, no more self to suffer. All that remains is universal mind, universal essence.

--

While walking to work this morning and doing my checklist of blessings and reasons for hope it occurred to me that 'hope' is usually associated with 'future' improvement, fulfillment, success, preferred circumstance etc. Catching this deeply flawed notion in time, I say, 'hope for the present.' When I hope for a better present moment, I get immediate results. The optimum improvement in the present moment is an ontological improvement. Anyone can be an ontological genius and be self-realized: aware of awareness, aware of existence, and start asking the fateful question "who, or what, am I?" Then, and only then, are we "onto" something, something that provides hope for the present that nothing else can provide. Entertainment, even the best, grows tiresome after a long enough exposure to it; any sensory pleasure reaches the point of diminishing returns. What really delivers the goods, in the present, is a rip-roaring silent epiphany of the ontological persuasion.

To be the universal spirit in this impermanent form is to be profoundly complete.

--

I now know what it's like to live in poverty, to a certain degree. Being in debt, barely able to survive from paycheck to paycheck, is an ignominious condition, a spinoff of trickle-down 'affluenza'--cable tv, cell phones, cable modem Internet access, automobile-related expenses, energy costs, mortgage, utilities, food...the amount of income required just to maintain a so-called middle-class life is astounding. So as I sink into lower middle class, and lower class, and touch the poverty line perhaps one day, I realize I've spent my whole life preparing for death: financial death, ego death, and the return of this form to formlessness.
The very wealthy are said to be getting even wealthier, while many people such as myself are getting poorer. The French Revolution a la 21st century is at hand. The widening gap between rich and poor bodes ill.

What do the wealthy have in terms of self-realization, I wonder. Do they really need all that money, that big a house, that fancy a car, all that stuff? What quality of inner life do they enjoy? Do they worry more than I do?

I worry about having enough money to buy bread and having enough left over to make the mortgage payment.

Even so, there is enough life and health in me to enable me to go for a long walk and have a delicious, liberating epiphany that is as good as it gets. "Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose." Maybe losing everything and being used to having nothing is a prerequisite for spiritual freedom. What is so clear to me, walking under the sky, upon the good earth, in perfect solitude, is what I was born to understand. I have no profession, no role, no title, no career. I have managed to grow up and be that which I am, the supreme being. My cats are also supreme beings, and so are my friends, family, co-workers, strangers, but they don't realize it.

When I pray, I pray that all beings realize, right now, what they really are: the universal spirit in impermanent form; unless and until we realize this, suffering is inevitable, a serious deal. After self-realization, when the universal spirit is in full bloom, in charge, living this impermanent imperfect life with total love and total acceptance, suffering and loss is no big deal. Completeness can only be had through individual effort; we can't expect completeness from others, from outside our self. Our self has been all along completeness, nothing less than the universal spirit.

--

Sunday March 6, 2005 a warm, mostly sunny day. Did the chores then took a long walk, on the bike path which was all clear of snow and ice. Took the new south extension which although goes to rec center, a dirt path continues south beyond the pavement to the Great South Woods. Walked into the northern edge of the Great South Woods, which turned out to be an old railroad right-of-way. Will be revisiting that again, as often as I can. Remote, with plenty of moving water. The southern stretch felt right, came to clear realizations, a productive contemplative hike.

The pearls: imperfect and impermanent as all things are, That which is the essence of all things is perfect and eternal. And so it is with every life. To be a self-realized beacon of that perfect and eternal One which has taken all form, full of peace, totally free, compassionate, wise. How else would a form realizing that it is such a beautiful One be?

Went home, finished a few more small chores, then went upstairs and chewed four fresh leaves. As I was lying there, subtly besaged, eyes closed, I understood I am the plant that I assimilated, and partake of the plant's quality of being, which is peaceful silent coolness, pure green radiance, innocent perfection. I become the leaves, and see the leaves living within me as me.

Later into the maelstrom: visiting a dysfunctional, agitated, distracted family scene, huge TV and video games and stereo blaring, materialism taunting the impoverished. The greatest impoverishment noted was the disconnect from the peace of the spirit, the true nature ignored.

The great power we have is to be that One we are, manifesting the qualities of the One in every circumstance. To be an instrument of peace.

--

Other than 'things' associated with obtaining the basic necessities, 'things' are more trouble than they're worth. 'Things' cause us to hemorrhage money; 'things' cause us to become distracted away from spirit; 'things' breed greed, envy, attachments; 'things' are never satisfying, for there are always new, and better, 'things.'

I will neither cling to, nor shun, 'things.' Rather, I will let things come into my life as they will, and I will graciously let things leave however they leave, be it theft, breakage, repossession, whatever. 'Things' are optional, and usually not very life-enhancing if at all.

--

The antidotes for the alienating contexts, in which we find ourselves stuck in all too often, include Universal-Self-realization, which puts an end to the root cause of alienation within oneself; one-on-one relationships with companion animals and family, friends and lovers; trusting positive supportive work environments; clubs and social organizations to become familiar with people of similar interests and intentions; and church.

Church is especially designed to reconnect people with the life spirit, with each other, and with the universe. The best churches are essentially meltdowns, where everyone resumes life as one flesh, held together by the love of the one flesh, the life-spirit, for itself.

We can find a way to gradually eliminate the corrosive concept of "stranger." There are no strangers in the living universe, populated by beings of the same life-spirit.

It is good, and furthers the cause of love among all of us, to be receptive to eye contact and mutual recognition from "strangers." The absurdity is, no-one regards himself as a "stranger"--we should be as comfortable, trusting, and familiar with any other person as we are with our own self, for the one true self resides fully and equally within each other.

We love not an other, but our self, the true self, in each other. We reside as much in the other's body as we do our own. The life spirit is one.

--

What makes it difficult for us to express the innate love we have for one another at the soul level is the spiritually cold context in which we place ourselves: anti-life environments, sterile, charmless, distracting, dehumanizing. Add to that the sheer number of us now on the planet, it becomes difficult to acknowledge each other's presence when rushing headlong through a crowd of strangers. Add to that as well the role-playing we take so seriously in society, we have created a context that keeps us alienated from each other and from our true nature, our universal life-spirit.

--

Had a couple dreams this morning perhaps facilitated by the cats who plastered themselves on and around my head. The 'plot', such as it was, was not important, nor was the setting. What mattered was that I found myself hugging and holding two people, one on each side of me, in a secure, warm, loving embrace. All that matters is love. All that matters is that we remember we are all one flesh.

--

The liberty of the spirit is at hand. When it is the spirit moving in this human form, speaking, listening, looking, moving, acting, thinking, there is no-one else present. The spirit lives completely in the present, and does what needs to be done, says what needs to be said, out of the necessity of its own nature.

--

What is almost embarrassingly obvious, yet wonderful nonetheless whenever it happens, is the realization that ordinary everyday livingness and ordinary everyday awareness is enlightenment. This existence, this awareness, is It, and has been It all along, and always will be It.

The years in this impermanent human form are numbered, of course. All the circumstances of this life are impermanent. Whatever meager material wealth I once had exists no longer, and in its place perpetual debt. Even so, I am at this rather advanced age, blessed beyond words. To find the true nature within is my crowning achievement. But I can't be too proud about this achievement, because finding true nature means surrendering to true nature, so back I go to the Source of all achievement, all creation, all form. It is Its achievement to find itself, and to be able to express itself, in this particular human form in spite of all the heavy psychological baggage in the mind of this particular human form.

--

Went for a brisk long walk to exorcise demons in my head, and turned around at the halfway point in the town cemetery. As I was leaving the cemetery, a large metal sign that was swinging a little in the breeze emitted a musical squeak, a selfless voice akin to the sound of wind chimes or an aeolian harp. The same person who made that sound was the same person who heard that sound, i.e., the sentient universe, the universal mind of universal energy. This is the soul in all things, the universal soul. It lives in all beings as all beings, and upon death returns to none other but itself.

--

The suffering, the suffering, all the suffering. Every living being is full of the same life spirit. Some beings suffer more, some less. Some beings have found the way out of suffering. We call them "Buddhists" or we call them "Self-Realized Beings" etc.

Those near and dear, as well as strangers, are suffering. The world is truly on fire with suffering, and with desire, and there's a connection between desire and suffering truly.

Which brings me to today's sermon, which is Maketh Thyself into The Contemplative.

Not enough people could be called contemplatives because not enough people engage in good old-fashioned contemplation.

Contemplation requires living a clean, quiet life, a virtuous life, because contemplation requires full awareness, not divided awareness. Contemplatives are not engaged in contemplation while talking on a cellphone and driving at the same time, nor while listening to iPod tunes. Contemplatives bring the soap-opera and self-gratification aspects of the small-s self to a halt, not punishing the self but providing for the self's true needs, and loving the self as being in essence pure, even though perception of true self is murky.

Contemplation requires undistracted awareness, no attachments, no encumbrances.

Through contemplation is found the true self, the true nature, which is life spirit, peaceful, free, full of boundless love for all beings.

In the midst of suffering beings in a world of impermanence, the contemplative is the go-to person for oceanic calm. Where does that unfounded peace come from? It comes from within, from everybody's within. Be a contemplative, starting now.

--

To live in love is the best way to live. Love is a perspective, where one identifies with the other, and knows the other to be of the same essence.

--

At the moment feeling physically uncomfortable, 'old age' and a strained low back muscle.

The older I get, the less particular and the more universal I become. Before this body falls apart I plan to be as universal as I can be. So far, that's the direction I've been heading, so extrapolating to where I'm physically on the brink of extinction I'll be well established in the universal.

Youth is of course obsessed with the particular, with the personal: pleasures, possessions, physical beauty, physical pleasures, aggrandizement of the individual, fear of death if not a feeling of invincibility.

I'm weary. I'm ready to die, to become universal, when the time comes. I will not hasten the moment it comes, unlike SOME people, like Spalding Gray, or Hunter S. Thompson. Idiots! Spitting on the Atman like that. Selfish jerks.

--

Be relaxed.
Be free.
Be the Atman.
Shine the light of the Atman.
Recognize the light of the Atman: namaste.
All virtue, all freedom, all truth, is found in the Atman.
The Atman is within us all.

Just as there are people who feel they are of the opposite gender and even go so far as to change gender via drugs and surgery, I feel at times a "species dysphoria" and wish to be a different species. A gorilla, perhaps, or a bear, or otter, or deer. Or the Overspecies: Gaia.

What I wish for, I get. That's how it works. I'm the Atman, what more could I ask for?

--

I don't know if eating eight fresh leaves last evening can explain it, but can so well now feel the pure awareness and pure being of the universal soul. The pure awareness just is, the pure being just is. So plain, so common, so obvious, so ordinary, existence and awareness. Take care of the business of survival, sure, but remember that amazing universal being which survives. Beyond the necessities for survival, we need nothing, other than the ability to appreciate sheer existence and awareness.

--

To have other species nearby is good for finding the existential benchmark of pure being. Other species are pure beings, pure spirits; only human beings can fool themselves into thinking they're something they're not, and (mis)behave accordingly.

My prayer for all human beings is that they may find, no matter what the circumstances, their true nature. True nature is the ultimate refuge, as well as the ultimate authority. True nature empowers, true nature transcends. I can be outwardly a dying beggar yet inwardly, knowing true nature, I am the supreme being briefly in the form of a dying beggar.

--

Once purity is sought, sooner or later it will be found, for it is real, and is the stuff of our very being.

Once purity is found to be one's true being, there's no going back to impurity--not because there's nothing seductive, or attractive, or desirable about impurity, but because purity is what it is, and has innate virtues that are infinitely preferable to anything else.

The wholeless, the wholesomeness, of the ground of being.

--

The purity within can burn like the surface of the sun, or warm soothingly as a sunbeam through a window on a cold day.

--

The quality that I seek, and admire most, is spiritual beauty. Nothing else matters, nothing else is beautiful. When spiritual beauty is present, there is bliss.

The purity within is capable of manifesting as spiritual beauty. The radiant wholeness.

--

A mug of Salvia tea before bed had me sleepless for two hours, in fierce existential self-examination, while two cats vied for domination of my head as I lie motionless.

And my spouse tossed and turned and made funny noises and snored.

Everyone is at the center of the universe, all energy and attention bearing upon from all directions. If not for the fact that the universe can withstand its own pressure, and handle its own energy, we would all perish, or never be able to exist at all.

And so now I am sobered, and chastened, and strong.

--

Such a drab, insipid thought to many, the concept of self-mastery. Hoary advice from dried-up yogis, or repressed churchly types. Yet with self-mastery comes the most delicious freedom, the freedom of Self-awareness, of Self-realization. To base all one's thoughts, words, actions from this ancient, unfathomable point of origin, the Self, is endless delight.

No more anger, no more cravings, no more of the pettiness of small-s self-centered life.

It is wild great fortune to have found one's true identity, the Self, the spirit, and to abide in it. To return to the source of being is to find the most important thing of all.

It has taken me 51 years to ripen enough to develop this understanding. The amazing self-deceptions I had to work through first, so many, so sticky.

Now, I'm a spiritually liberated old man. Along with paying the bills and working in the world, I'd like to do what I can to help liberate others so that perhaps they don't have to wait quite as long as I did for this high quality sustainable spiritual liberation.

--

To identify one's true self as spirit is both a profound relief and a profound responsibility. Relief, for the spirit bears all things lightly, and is in perfect repose in God/Ground of Being/Universal Life Force Energy. Responsibility, for to have pretensions of living not just IN spirit but AS spirit requires scrupulous self-honesty, keen self-awareness, and all necessary effort to remain aware of spirit, and to be aware of lapses of such awareness. To become aware of spirit as one's true self is to become full of bliss and universal in nature. This implies a dropping away of all earthly attachments, the end of all selfish desires, which happens automatically when spirit is fully manifest, fully oneself.

It is a joyful responsibility voluntarily enthusiastically undertaken with delight to be spirit, and to express spirit.

There is not much theological danger to be found in identifying oneself as spirit, even though to do so does, by nature, cause one to identify as all spirit. Spirit is not separable from anything in the universe. To identify oneself as spirit is in fact to identify oneself as a manifestation of universal spirit, universal being, life itself, the universe itself, and...whatever is to be regarded as the supreme being.

That's part of the responsibility of becoming aware of oneself as being nothing but spirit.

--

Mon. Feb. 14, 2005. Last night had Salvia-assisted epiphany. "Just be spirit." or, for the scientific, "just be cosmic energy." Rest in God; rest in the universe. As spirit, as cosmic energy.

Correction of identity is a powerful change. It changes everything.

And just as profound the epiphany, a test, which I failed: rather than accept, and forgive, my spouse for a mistake, I became harsh, judgmental, cold. I made my point but at the price of love.

Later, love returned, but not after hours of sleeplessness.

No-one cares about anyone else's epiphanies, or how they got them. Everyone cares how loving and lovable we are, how much love we express, how much love we receive.

--

What I need is a practical, durable form of enlightenment that will help me in everyday life. Wait...oh, right...everyday life is enlightment from the get-go. Mind to mind, heart to heart, the Great Being communicates with itself eternally, through its many forms. This mind is the mind of the Great Being. This body is the body of the Great Being. Beautiful one!

Salvia divinorum is hazardous to false notion of self, to false identity. Salvia divinorum effect is to make us aware of our true self, our true identity. A beautiful living being, a chip off the old block, that Great Universal Being.

--

People usually identify with their thoughts. I sure have. I'm only now learning to identify with energy, with spirit, with the light of life that fills my body, with my body.

As a form of luminous living energy, having identified myself with such, I gravitate toward the same essence I recognize in other beings. Case in point are my cats and me. We communicate well on a level of eye contact, body language, shared warmth, touch. Our common essence melts together like water touching water.

Salvia divinorum has helped me find this essence, to be this essence. My solitary Salvia ritual is due for a makeover. I will simplify, clean, consolidate and consecrate the room which houses my Salvia plants, making it into a room conducive to worship and deep meditation, an ashram of pure life, pure being, pure awareness.

--

After decades of tense, rigid body and mind, out of touch with the supple fluid magical chi, thanks to a magic plant I'm now in touch with the chi, the spell of conceptual false life having been broken, and now under the spell of life force.

Just little movements, little adjustments, enough to let chi flow freely, everything moves freely, everything is in a state of relaxed freedom. I am already one with the universe, blissful universal existence. And meanwhile, my spine is in line and I feel fine.

---

January 31, 2005, Mon. a.m. After a rather difficult tumultuous weekend of extremes this morning finds things smooth, peaceful, calm, forgiven, reconciled. In other words, conditions are once again conducive to deep insight and mystical revelation, which obliged to happen on the walk to work this morning. The conceit works well: here is this ordinary guy walking along, a typical schlub in debt and a newly arrived member of the working poor, who nonetheless is healthy enough and smart enough to be receptive enough to the spirit so that the spirit can resume complete control of the schlub's body and relationships and karma. Debts will be paid, people will be loved, survival will continue. In the now, the spirit seemingly moves in and takes over the body, the reality of course is that the spirit never left, is in fact always one with the body, with every body, with the universe no less. The vain arrogant judgmental angry Pain-In-Ass phantom captain of this fleshly vessel is in an eyeblink made to vanish and spirit resumes control, sweet real loving fearless spirit. Spirit steps in and takes care of the PIA's karma. I don't talk about spirit as if spirit is something other than me. Spirit is doing the talking here, and writing in this case.

The point of spiritual practice is to actually be practicing being spirit, as spirit, right now. No need to wait for some future epiphany, the practice of being spirit is always now, it can only be now.

This terminology suits me better: I can more easily accept my true nature as being spirit than I can being buddha-nature, even though it's the same thing, ground of being, universal essence, the One, Brahman, whatever. Spirit is lively energy, the universe is all energy. Energy would be a good term as well, identifying ourselves as energy. Energy is spirit is energy is universal stuff.

The main thing is to be it, to take it out of the conceptual realm, to not be distanced or alienated from it, to not delay letting it fully emerge and fully express and fully exist as our true self, now, instantly, this instant.

---

What I am interested in is persistence of mindset. This can be accomplished by words fairly well, as long as the language and context is enough in common, the reader is receptive enough to adopt the mindset of the writer. Music works even better, provided there is a means of reproducing the music or being in the vicinity of the performance. Art works well, as long as the artwork and the observer are together.

What works best of all is the direct transmission of mindset to another sensitive sentient being, using spirit as the medium of transmission and spirit as the message. The full emptiness of mind and self. The shared reality of the one true being. The transcendent love, and clarity, and peace, and understanding, and wisdom, and freedom, shared and propagated in the eternal now, from being to being, so that there will always be self-realized beings, and their number will increase through sharing of the mindset of self-realization.

---

While working in a windowless basement room in the midst of a long cold winter and multiple challenges personal, local, national, global, I started daydreaming about long bicycle rides in the country, rolling rolling upon the good sweet earth, enraptured by the scenery, the woods, the streams, the farm fields, the sky, the wide open spaces, the unknown villages.

And then it struck me: I sorely miss innocence, I yearn for innocence. Once I was innocent, naive, ingenuous, and filled with wonder. Playing outside, roaming the neighborhood, exploring the woods. I was a good kid, my teachers and my parents and my elders loved me, I was innocent, what's not to love?

So I'm older, experienced, wiser yes, and I am ready to reclaim my innocence. My eyes are welling up with tears, such is my yearning for innocence. So at this advanced age, with the time remaining in this form, I choose to be innocent again, authentically, sustainably, innocent.

---

Last night while watering the Salvias I felt their teaching emanating from them. What Salvia teaches is exactly what I've been searching for all my life: that childhood sense of wonder and of freedom. The wonder and the freedom are found in the wide-open unconditioned state of being that Salvia facilitates. Just as Salvia, and all forms of life in their natural state, are complete as life force in respective forms, so I find the same, for I am the same One manifesting in all forms of life: I am life force, in a human form, and I am complete, and free, and filled with wonder. I stand and stretch and move in slow, ancient ways, savoring the essence of my being, my universal essence. This is wonderfully paradoxical: I am no greater than the bug or the weed, I am no less than the Sun and the universe.

The codes of conduct required by organized religions are well-intended: the individual, when not squandering attention and energy, can focus attention on the energy, and with luck the energy, i.e. life force, self-realizes and resumes its innate freedom and purity.

The distractions and attachments of modern complex fast-paced technologically-intensive information-overloaded sensory-overloaded way of living make it extremely difficult to slow down, look within, and experience the life within us.

I'm more than ready to live in a cabin in the woods, no electricity, no gadgets, nothing but the life within me and the life around me, the One Life.

*

Lying on the bed, covered with beloved cats, chewing leaves of a plant that leaves me wide open to the current of life, I become nothing, an empty vessel of the living energy that flows through me. All that I am, is nothing. Would this beautiful energy of life condescend to give itself a name? I see this energy of life with eyes illuminated by the very same energy, looking back at me from eyes set in a furry face, or feathered face, or scaled face, or pink face, or brown face, or slimy face.

A cataract of luminous living energy roaring through the chasm loosely called 'me.'

*

Born to be a pawn of the Tao, losing day by day until nothing's left but a two-legged locus of chi. Born to be chi. Chi is the ultimate in chi chi but requires flattening of the false self so it remains a big secret.

*

Where to find the source of all love. It is found in the life spirit.

My Salvia journeys are in fact journeys to death, merging with the ocean of life energy ahead of time, and coming back. To consider what it would be like to die and to be able to return to life, what changes would that effect in that individual who so journeyed?

To have a second chance would be the cause for a whole lot of forgiveness, and patience, and unconditional love.

*

The worst poverty is paucity of love. The greatest wealth is unbounded love for all beings.

*

Currently suffering from a case of moderate temporary acute poverty, and am reminded of what poverty feels like. While it is not severe, chronic poverty, it is an uncomfortable malady nonetheless, even in its milder forms. Poverty is akin to near-death experiences in that it gets priorities crystal clear, and shows what is superfluous, trivial, beside the point. Little comforts, little luxuries, can go by the wayside without any real harm. As long as there is life and means to sustain it, there is indeed hope. We have water, food left in the larder, a roof over our heads, heat, clothes, electricity (which we need to keep the heat going so it's essential for survival in the winter). We have as much health as people in their 50s could hope for, and all our teeth. That counts for something.

Poverty teaches me I can live well, even better, without the evening goblet of wine or spirits. If necessary, I could probably live well, probably better, without caffeine. This is freedom, to be able to do without. If necessary, I could do quite well without cell phones, high speed Internet, cable tv, and motor vehicles. Being married, such ultra-simplification is not likely to happen, so I temper my zeal and look forward to at the very least not making any more car payments eventually, and finding the cheapest cell phone plan available, and accepting life with cable tv and cable modem Internet.

What's obvious to me is that energy costs will continue to climb, in particular gasoline, and the less we drive the better off we'll be. We will keep our elderly vehicles in good running order, and not hemorrhage money making car payments. All debts short of mortgage will be paid off entirely, and no new debts will ever be incurred again.

Poverty is liberating in some ways, and distracting in others. I could always stand to lower my standard of living a bit. Yet I would hope that every human being could live in circumstances where poverty does not loom so large, so that there is time, opportunity and inclination to live a contemplative life and enjoy Self-realization in this lifetime.

*

In the mind and body of the universe each of us is at the center, and all the energy of the universe passes through us. We are all the same stuff, the same essence, the same energy, and this means ultimate unequivocal equality. To know that we are this, to understand that we are this, to accept that we are this, to fully be this, means to say goodbye to personal identity forever. It means to find our identity in the stuff of the universe, nothing less, nothing else. It means to love the universe and all its manifestations as oneself, because that is indeed the fact of the matter. And the fact of the energy.

The clarity of this understanding of the stuff of the universe and its eternal life as ever-changing manifestations, waves of the ocean, comes at a good time for me. This form still has some vigor and persistence of form remaining, and I have opportunity to express this clear understanding by words and deeds. If I have helped only one other form understands the fact of the matter/energy, has fully understood the stuff of the universe as his or her true self and can feel the freedom of not being confined to one evanescent form, that would be enough. For just as if by being able to sing one note this implies I can sing an infinite number of notes, if I have helped one other form understand more clearly this implies I have helped all forms understand more clearly. The liberating understanding is for all forms, not just one form, for all forms are the same One, and are the true Self. The true voice is the One Voice, the same ancient, timeless, universal voice of universal spirit.

The help I provide other forms is in fact help I am providing my true, eternal Self, so that form after form will wake up, understand, and be free, just as I, in this form, have managed to do.

*

Spirit is the core value. Spirit-based life, spirit-based culture. Spirit is the source of all virtue. Spirit is timeless, universal, real. Spirit is what makes up all life, everyday life, ordinary life. Everyday life is spiritual life. No perfection, no precious special preparation, no desecration or profanation either. Just spirit ordinaire. Everyday life is enlightenment. Everyday life is the life of spirit.

*

Salvia divinorum has helped me get in touch with the life within me, the life-force, that energy that sustains me. Just to be aware of life energy is in itself wildly enough, grounds for endless joy, satisfaction beyond all my dreams. Most of my life I have been so distracted by things, by thoughts, by experiences, by sensations, by desires, by fears--all that most think of as 'a life'--yet so out of touch, so restless, so unfulfilled, so empty had I been. Here, all along, the life-energy quietly sustained me, unknown to me, forsaken by me, ignored by me. Life spirit is all there is, is what we are, is wholeness already. Ignorance of life spirit is spirit-ual ignorance, and the basis of all kinds of sin and suffering.

So here's the ultimate reductionist minimalist treat: just being life-spirit is the ultimate payoff, and payback for being such a stubborn contemplative and dabbler in the shamanic teacher plants.

Of course this puts my core values squarely at odds with the modern industrial consumerist culture that is dominated by worship of things and egomania.

*

It is the hallmark of genuine cosmic empowerment to be unshakably peaceful and loving. To be at peace, and to be filled with love for all beings, requires a communion with the ground of being that leads to the realization that one is the ground of being, and is present everywhere at once, even while in human form. The human form itself is quite literally 'ground' of being, a pattern of cosmic energy, a wave of the ocean of energy.

*

A revelation, thanks to Entheology forum and the author of Ishmael. I'm not a pantheist, I'm really more of an animist. Animism is the glue that forms tribes and holds them together.

The Lost Tribes of Gaia are emerging as the unsustainable dominator culture proceeds to fall. The members of the tribe are animists, whether they know it or not. Seeing and feeling and communicating with the spirit of all things, all beings, all people. Look for the light in their eyes and their total humility. They are the meek who shall inherit the earth.

*

Driving a car, being in a car even, is dehumanizing, alienating, cutting people off from their connection to the land and to each other. Driving is also the most dangerous thing to do, and driving pollutes the air and squanders resources. The whole world is fucking driving a car. This is inherently unsustainable, and fucking insane.

Wow am I ever misanthropic today.

*

Am getting back to 100% veganism again, for every good reason. I will not starve if I can't find vegan food at a typical tasty-shitty-food restaurant. A salad, a coffee, a beer, a roll, and to hell with the animal flesh and fats. No-one cares, or should care, what I eat or don't eat, but I sure as hell do.

Any food with a face, any food that could get away, is no longer on my menu. Living in love and light on plant energy for the rest of my days.

Starting to explore how to preserve open space, and if it's possible to create open space, especially corridors, so that there is continguous habitat and migration path for wildlife. This not only preserves biodiversity, but brings biodiversity closer to development, so that when economies and civilizations collapse, cities, towns, malls and sprawls will revert to the wild sooner.

I may slowly get involved with this town's open space commission, and I may find that land is all jealously spoken for. I may also remind my contemporaries that our economy, our civilization, will eventually collapse and disappear, and the forest will overtake the ruins here, as it has elsewhere, since time immemorial.

To be on the side of the forest is my science, politics, and religion. When the forest returns, all will be well. Until then, we suffer in shortsighted selfishness, struggling to sustain an unsustainable way of life.

The tragedy of the commons proceeds apace. Soon the commons will all be fucking "private property" of the shithead dualistic greedheads. Everyone buy a piece of Gaia's ass while she's hot.

I'm consoled by the knowledge that this grand civilization will fall after hoisting itself high, so high, on its high-tech petard.

A few of my ancestors are buried in an abandoned graveyard in Hockingport, Ohio. To know that my ancestors are part of the southern Ohio biomass gives me a peaceful feeling.

And the forest has returned to my heart. The peace, the coolness, the purity. I want only that this forest return to every heart, to every place on earth, until the earth is covered with forest and all people live in the peace of the forest within and without.

*

Four fresh leaves and I am steamrollered into the ground of being. Which is where I really am. Pure awareness, pure being, just to be, and just to be aware, is astonishing.

Am starting to explore ways to change the footprint of my species on the earth. The goal is for human beings to live as lightly and harmoniously on the earth as most other species manage to live. Return of the forest canopy to cover all continents. Full restoration of biodiversity.

The way is love of life, all life. We live one life.

This morning woke up at 4 a.m. The cats ministered to me, applying paws to head. Fell back asleep, and had flying dream. Whenever I applied the right effort, I could fly. Felt how birds feel. It's work to fly, but it felt good to fly when I wanted.

*

How many sleepless 3 a.m.s does it take to learn what it takes to be able to sleep at night: --loving intentions? To feel love for all beings, unconditional love for every fellow organism, is liberating, and has the added benefit of soothing the troubled mind by means of falling into the gentle loving arms of universal love itself. The most beautiful thing in the universe is love.

So enjoy to make a list of the good things:
Love
Peace
That is the short, and quite complete list. Everything past that is icing on the cake.
Life
Nature
Truth
Being
Presence
Now

*

And Mr. Hyde, the man who finds every good reason to be ugly, has had his say. Now Dr. Jekyll, a.k.a. my true nature, has his say, and his way, and his say, and his way, which is THE way, is the way of beauty. Nevermind that it took two cats and four Salvia divinorum leaves to remind me to just...be...beautiful.

In this moment, in this eternal moment, it is only natural to be natural, and natural is beautiful. The virtues of the forest, of the cat, silent, calm, complete. The Beautiful Person of common knowledge is acknowledged universally as one who is calm, complete, gentle, loving, forgiving, easygoing, kind, peaceful, content, happy, joyful, radiant, generous, patient. People like to be around Beautiful Persons. It feels good to be beautiful. Sappy but true.

*

I'm getting increasingly convinced that a revolution is brewing--the imbalance of the Haves and the Have-Nots, the imbalance and unsustainability of modern technological-industrial-consumerist culture, bodes ill. There will come a tipping point where enough people whose needs are not met won't be able to tolerate continued lack, and there will also come a tipping point when the damaged natural environment will not be able to sustain human beings any more.

*

Last night while chewing four leaves, stretched out on the bed, had a classic "mind mirror" experience. My recent obsessing over Wal-Mart coming to town and social injustice in general was revealed in all its freedom-sapping splendor. Fortunately I was also reminded of my true nature which enjoys perfect freedom. Why then have I not been enjoying the perfect freedom of my nature? When the body's free, I'm free. The body/mind/spirit is one, energy, sunlight, stardust, cosmic energy. When the body is free, every part of me is free. The body is also awareness, and all that I am is energy.

To identify myself as sunlight in human form is scientifically accurate and the basis of enlightenment. What could be more enlightening than light, more empowering than cosmic power?

In a society populated by insane, unfree people, I, knowing well what it's like to be insane and unfree, now reclaim my nature, which is the quintessence of sanity and freedom, the sanity and freedom of sunlight, of cosmic energy.

And I do mean NOW! If not me, then who? If not now, then when?

*

This morning's sunrise coincides with the occasion of my 51st winter solstice. What a proper way of keeping time, by summers and winters, by moons, by moon phases and position of the sun.

To commemorate this auspicious time I renew my covenant with the Sun, to swear allegiance to It and It alone, as the Sun is the source of all life on this planet, creating and sustaining all that lives and breathes. My body, my being, my awareness, is sunlight and earth.

The Sun is my role model, I shall feel neither guilt nor shame, nor shall I foist either on anyone else. There is naught else but the Sun in every living form. Nor shall I feel any ill-will toward anyone, even though they are self-deluded to the max. In spite of politics, religion, consumerism, egotism, I shall have only love in my heart. Life is light and love, life is of the Sun. I shall shine brightly upon the world, for I too am of the Sun, and naught else.

*

My advance planning to accept the moment, to surrender to the moment, to allow the moment to unfold as it will, is good for when the unexpected happens. "Expect the unexpected." Wal-Mart was officially told it can't build unless it uses anti-light-pollution lighting. The Wal-Mart people were not happy about that decision. I am trying to be equanimous. My relief is tempered by my wariness of Wal-Mart's corporate ethics, such as they are.

My little efforts are directed at stopping, preventing, and reversing light pollution. By implication my efforts are directed to stopping so-called development of the earth, terraforming for profit. Gaia is my guide, Gaia is the life of my life. I am the hands, eyes, ears and voice of Gaia, as we all are, although not everyone knows they are, such as the Wal-Mart execs, 'developers' et al.

*

Yesterday's end was raggedy, difficult, ugly. Confrontational meeting with juggernaut corporation heedless of impact on local environment/economy. Then an intense confrontational meeting with spouse, going to bed very late, angry, fitful sleep, knot of anger and nausea in pit of stomach, waking up angry and tired. As this day progressed, reconciled with spouse, reaching cruising speed with available energy. Another meeting with juggernaut tonight, last one, and will ask for full accounting of their action, their decision to waste energy, pollute the night sky with excess light, knowingly.

Whatever the outcome, am so glad that I've reconciled with my spouse, and am unencumbered, to resume expressing buddha nature, true nature, my cats' nature, in the present. My heart is at peace again, anger is gone, evil spirit has quit this human form.

*

Early morning Salvia pipe, "le petite mort", total surrender of course. As well as surrendering to Salvia, or to Eros, it's good to just go ahead and surrender to the moment, let go and be part of the moment, cosmic postcoital merge, deliciously relaxed and totally let go, resting in the arms of the universe.

*

The paving-over of the soil with ongoing sprawl of "development" is as morally reprehensible as the deforestation of the Amazon rain forest or any other forest desecration. It doesn't matter what corporation or what institution or what individual paves over and cuts down, it's all equally a sin against nature.

The depth of my misanthropy is unfathomable. As much as I welcome the deeper biophilia, I also am admitting a specific misanthropy directed at the organized human efforts to destroy either habitat, species, or both. The unchecked arrogant heedless anthropocentricity empowered with superior technology bodes ill for all life, especially human life.

To me, the farmlands to the west of the vacant Ames department store, the site of the proposed mammoth Wal-Mart "Supercenter", is my own personal Alamo. What once was living soil, silence, darkness, could soon become lifeless pavement, noise, and blinding light.

*

Thanks in large part to Salvia, I can better experience the livingness, the life spirit, that shines within me as me. It really is radiant, and the body is filled with light. Would that silence be cherished more than verbiage, so that the silent radiance, the light and warmth of the life spirit, could be the means of interpersonal communication and transcendent entertainment. I can commune, and communicate, with the cats on life spirit level very well; the more verbal the human, the more difficult it is to get past concepts and mental conditioning.

*

Right now, experience that which just is, that just is without any effort. This is the universal essence in human form, that is part of the ground of being. The ground of being in human form. This is the ultimate home, secure, stable, requiring no effort to sustain. When this form is ready to unform, when this wave of universal essence is ready to fall back into the ocean of universal essence, there is no effort, no fear, no loss, no sadness, no grieving. Universal essence is everywhere, every being is universal essence, and every form is an extension of universal essence, the eyes, ears, hands and voice of the universal essence. To understand this is to know we already live eternally as universal essence, for we are universal essence, beyond fear, beyond anger, beyond desire. The forms the One assumes come and go, the One lives forever.

*

We're just born. As parts of the same vast being, we have the option of realizing that fact. In a very real way, we can grow up and know that we are God, or life, or whatever this vast nameless being's name.

To be this vast being is total freedom. The responsibility that comes with this total freedom is to live and love as this vast being lives and loves, inasmuch as we are extensions of it.

There is a love so total, so pure, so real, so all-consuming, that is ready for us to be a conduit for it. As we are extensions of the One, we express the will and the love of the One.

*

There are a few mice in the building, and rather than having them die by poison or broken neck/back I am trying to get my associates to use humane catch-and-release traps so that the mice may be relocated, alive, away from the building. This is one of those occasions where I must ask myself, do I believe in the sanctity of ALL life, or just some life? A mouse or an insect is a living being, sentient, able to feel pain. Respect for life is, I reaffirm, respect for ALL life.

*

When running short of funds, it's possible to remedy the situation either by finding more funds somehow, or eliminating the nonessential drains of funds. The voluntary simplicity movement espouses the latter remedy, as do I. The industrial revolution coupled with mass production coupled with the creation of artificial "needs" by manufacturers, and now retailers, in conjunction with advertisers has taken our time, energy, and wealth away from our pockets and into theirs. To be content with the necessities of life and the flowers of civilization--books, music, community, and other life-enriching pursuits--doesn't require a whole lot of funds. The fancy cars, absurdly big houses, monstrous tvs and home entertainment centers, packaged processed food and entertainment, expensive toys of great sophistication...the goods and services that have driven so many, myself included, into serious personal debt, leaving us in a position to barely scrape up enough to pay the accumulation of monthly charges, is truly a grand communal hoisting of we materialistic idiots on our individual and collective petards.

O my bitterness, my contempt, for the 'good life' that's not so good anymore. And for the planned Wal-Mart Supercenter that will settle in over nearby pristine farmland like a malevolent UFO, ready to suck dry the life and wealth of its surroundings.

The heedless paving over the good earth, the rending of communities by megaslabs of pavement with unstoppable superhighways and "development", is something that I saw as a child, and now as a very mature adult, and it still breaks my heart to see it happen.

What took the earth eons to develop, our stupid species is taking decades to destroy.

*

I feel like I've entered the spiritual Witness Protection Program, i.e., being so reliably in the Witness-consciousness--that simply observes the activities of mind and unfolding of the moment--that it protects me from losing control. I can trust myself when the Witness is fully present, taking it all in, fully aware. Matter-of-fact, unshakably equanimous, nonchalant, going about the daily business of life, nothing special, eating, drinking, eliminating waste, doing chores and taking care of business.

If I knew then what I know now, I would have refrained from acquiring anything beyond the basic necessities. The joy of being, the security of being in the Witness, is more than enough. All those toys and diversions and distractions, all for naught. Ah, well, I probably needed to get my fill of them to get them out of my system.

The main thing now is to be able to pay the life-critical bills and if we can't afford the luxuries, distractions and diversions that will become obvious, even to my mate, who still fancies the luxuries and the distractions and the diversions. And so this might be a good opportunity for her to begin to understand what's truly of value in life, and what's not.

*

I am experiencing a perfect inversion of the Jekyll/Hyde premise. Conventional thinking regards Jekyll as a controlled, beneficent intellectual, the Good Guy; and Hyde as the uninhibited animal, the Bad Guy. My Jekyll is the pure animal that I am, the flesh and bone and blood that is serene, without a care in the world, egoless, harmless, innocent, pure as a newborn babe. My Hyde is the conceptual-thinking, abstract-reasoning, easily-offended prickly head-tripper who is easily manipulated by concepts and ideas and implications, such as seeing the numbers on the bank account statement and giving himself a reason to become enraged, just by seeing little dot-matrix numbers. I see our bank statement, and contemplate all sorts of drastic actions while under the influence of anger--that's Jekyll in his glory. Then I have lunch and go upstairs to stretch out a few minutes with the cats. I relax a little bit, then a little more, until I remember that what I really am is egoless flesh and bone. All the lessons Salvia has taught me come back to guide me back home, to where the flesh is, to where the conceptual-thinking rationalizing ideological perfectionistic anger-for-abstract-reasons entity is unknown. Hyde knows no worry, no anxiety, is pure being, pure untroubled perfectly transparent awareness in the Now.

*

Yesterday morning, I dreamed I could fly, and I flew. This morning, I dreamed I was in the company of scientists who were driving off to a remote place to study something truly amazing, astronomical or geological. It was on or near islands, and at one point I beheld vast, stunning, towering cliff-like islands reaching upward into the clouds. The face of each island was deeply furrowed, and iridescent with bright colors.

This morning I had all four black cats on my lap while I read the newspaper and drank coffee. We are equals. When I look into those furry faces and bright eyes I'm looking at my peers. I'm so happy to be a simple unpretentious scruffy nonjudgmental animal, taking delight in simply being, relaxed and at home in this skin, and grateful to know that I am at home in every form, that I exist everywhere, not just in this skin.

*

A difficult weekend but in the end, productive.

The Salvia leaves have helped me find what is real, and what is real is simple and unpretentious, it just is. Of course. I adore, worship my cats because they are simple and unpretentious, they just are. They are totally real. Humans, myself among them, get so proud of being complex, and get quite pretentious. No animal would bother with the foolish machinations of people. The human brain is such a conditioning sponge, becoming an organ of conditioned thought that makes the organism miserable. I should know, and I surely do. And I can say with absolute authority, the authority of experience, experiential authority, that I am proud to be now humble, having been suitably humbled by trial and error and Salvia divinorum. It is the crowning achievement of my life that I am now more or less simple and unpretentious.

My role, such as it is, is to find the way out of conditioned misery every day, by whatever means necessary, and when unconditioned, my footprint on the ground of being is light, graceful, joyful, peaceful, compassionate, harmless, and perhaps an inspiration to others to walk thusly. How I am is part of what makes others how they are, and vice versa.

In the time remaining in this form, I can relax and express my true nature, not just because it's real and feels good, but because it's a Service to Humanity, don't ya know...

I continue to be awed by the effects of Salvia divinorum. Chewing three large fresh leaves while lying on the bed is positively magical, a journey to wellness and self-realization. Salvia speaks with the authoritative voice of nature, bringing me to my true home. Stay loose, wild, flexible, free. This is the feeling of freedom, say I, as I stand undulating before the Salvias in my Oaxacan ravine upstairs. Where, and when, will we be free, my brothers and sisters, if not here, now, in this body? It doesn't take much, we don't need much, to be free. We are already free. We are already free. We are already free. In this body. Here and now.

This body, free, pure. This mind, free, pure.

*

What a relief it is to be in comfortable clothes and eyeglasses. It's always a matter of existential being-in-the-now, the simple things that make all the difference. The simple pleasures: in this moment, feeling good as only enough rest, water, food, evacuation of waste, skin-friendly clothing, shelter, exercise, mindset, wellness and setting can provide. The totality, the gestalt, the quality of beingness, the purity of the awareness...rising up and reclaiming the universal essence that lives eternally in the now, that is our home, our true self.

After suffering through the ignoble experience of posing with a group for a photo to be published, I can emphathize with camera-shy people, and with those who are opposed, for religious reasons, to being photographed. A photograph is a "graven image" which is of interest to those who value appearances. If photographs are to be taken for whatever reason, the photographer should, ideally, take only candid shots, and the subject should, ideally, ignore the camera and be totally natural.

Cameras have the same limitation as the typical human eye: they only register the surface appearance of beings and don't perceive the field of universal energy which surrounds and interpenetrates and interconnects them.

*

Tried once again to break back into contact lenses and am reminded why I abandoned them after previous attempts. With contacts, it's not as easy to see the aura well, and it's more difficult, paradoxically, to connect with other people via eye contact. Maybe I should call these plastic things floating on my eyeballs "out-of-contact lenses." It doesn't matter much to me if I see the universe through thick eyeglasses. I'm actually more connected, and more free, when wearing eyeglasses than with contact lenses.

The lesson for today is, discomfort is useful for renewal of appreciation of how good it feels to not be in discomfort.

*

When I'm really awake and as intelligent and aware as I can be I am profoundly astonished that I am. This is the Eureka Aha that the likes of Meister Eckhart and Eckhart Tolle get in the Eternal Now that causes them to suffer from overwhelming bliss. Such a simple, obvious fact, that we are, yet forgotten and forsaken at our peril.

The great I AM THAT I AM implies a priori omnipresence. Our true self is truly universal.

Western civilization needs to wise up and start incorporating Namaste or an english equivalent greeting in its dealings with one another. We are the most exquisitely alienated culture on the planet, dualistic dumbasses drooling on our shoes slackjawed in front of our jumbo tv screens.

I have the occasional impulse to take a sledgehammer to the tv screen, but my spouse would not understand why I would do such a thing.

*

Had a dream where a giant golden eagle was perched in the house, regal, strong. He was very calm, and full of trust and affection, as I and others were stroking his feathery breast.

How can people be so hurtful and disrespectful of animals, including the human animal. So many people love manufactured things more than living things. The highest priority is the web of life and every part of the web of life. The Good is what supports the web of life and any part of it; Evil is what harms the web of life and any part of it.

When I eat Salvia I am humbled, and become what I really am, which is a part of the web of life.

*

So tired. Drove 6 out of 8 hours to visit with family yesterday, had to give up the last 2 hours, the stress of keeping two tons of metal with two souls on board between the lines in darkness was just too much. The need for unflagging control drove me to the brink of total loss of control. I will either wear contact lenses or let someone else drive at night from now on. What I'd really prefer is to hand in my keys and driver's license for good, and give up driving altogether.

When people get behind the wheel of their automobeels they devolve, becoming aggressive, pitiless, irritable, stressed, hurried metal-exoskeletoned demons. Stupid stupid stupid people.

And seeing people mesmerized before the tv screen or computer screen, moreso the tv screen...devolution again. Stupid stupid stupid...

Distracted and full of insatiable desire, and fear. Stupid, stupid, stupid human beings.

And when I look upon the face of the cat, I see the face of the supreme being, the condition of supreme being, noble furry face, totally real, totally complete in the Now.

I would stay at home all day, every day, if I could manage that, certainly I would not leave town, if I had my druthers. Life is too precious to put it on the line, on the highway, for no good reason.

For I am a flower, a leaf, of eternal spirit, as we all are. We should all sit silently in bliss, or walk gently across the face of the earth.

*

It really is necessary, as evangelical fundamentalist Christians insist, to be "born again." Maybe not in the sense they assume, i.e., buying into a prefabricated belief package, though. Rather than believe anything, the truly born-again individual believes in nothing, being pre-belief, just as all of us were when we were born the first time, just fresh eyes and open mind and slimy wet cheesy body, taking our first breaths in this startling, cold, new world.

We can be as we were when newly born. Just see what's there. Thinking and talking and imagining are optional--just be aware, just listen, just be, just experience without thinking about the experience. See everything as if for the first time. This is the family into whose midst we were born.

As any good infant and animal has the good sense to do, follow the natural path. Eat, drink, sleep, excrete waste, find food and shelter, mate and rear young (optional).

Or follow the pathless path of no-self, of nonduality, home in the Now, home is Now, home is everywhere, united in the Self, the oversoul. And eat when hungry, drink when thirsty, rest when tired, come and go to take care of the daily business of life.

It is a dream, a facade, everyone playing a role they believe in totally. How are we, as we appear in this dream? Compassion and peace come naturally to no-self.

*

In reviewing this journal which covers roughly 1999-2004, I see that the themes pre-Salvia, i.e. entries made prior to April 2000, indicate a good mindset for the Salvia experience. The individual really should have a solid inner foundation before undergoing the Salvia experience to be able to surrender to it and learn from it.

After all the wonderful journeys, what matters is what the individual brings back. The essence of the experience, and the most precious thing to bring back, is one and the same, and that is Entheogenesis, the awakening to the presence of spirit in all things and all beings. The name 'spirit' is synonymous with universal energy, that which exists forever, assuming all form and also formless, neither created nor destroyed, only changing form in the eternal Now.

To realize that we are this eternal universal spirit is entheogenesis; perhaps a better word would be entheognosis. Whatever it's called, it's perfect being, perfect freedom, in the Now.

*

(begin archived portion Part I of this journal, CD-ROM burned 11/23/04)

No-one was "put on this earth" by anyone to do anything. Yet here we are. What can be done, and what makes the journey worthwhile, is to make life a little easier on ourselves and on each other, in the Now.

Upstairs playing the beloved old six-string guitar and singing little songs made up on the fly is high worship for me, an effective meditation, prayer. Getting down to the nitty-gritty: o my soul, I didn't find it, it found me, and my soul is thy soul, the oversoul. Again, the only intelligent response to this revelation is to love, and be loved, by the soul, and let it love, and be loved, by the oversoul manifesting in everyone in the Now. No business is more important, no individual is more important, than the oversoul. The business of the oversoul is the only business that matters. I shall try my best to tend to the business of the oversoul in the Now.

It is obvious to me that the new evil of the new age is Distraction. Cell phones and iPods and Internet and gadgets and Things galore. Distracted away from the oversoul, and working to death paying for the privilege of being distracted by Things and by other distracted people.

We hominids, great apes, are not so great when in the grip of conditioned consciousness, of conceptual thinking that makes us miserable and threatens the well-being of life on earth.

I adore animals and people who are true to their true nature. The effete elites who think they're the Chosen Ones entitited to inordinate power and possessions are not worthy of being called an animal. Should they all one day evolve and become animals once more, the world would become a much better place.

*

The thing that just is, the thing that came sliding out of the womb, wet, crying, gazing upon all that is with open eyes. Without ideas, without concepts, without thoughts, without any conditioning or reason or mental connections or mental associations--just pure being, pure life: that unconditioned being, living in the eternal now, is our true self, self-existent, self-realized, self-illumined. It's always here, it's always been here, in one form or another, in all forms.

*

Just be, with love.

*

The mornings spent with three cats sleeping on my lap and one cat sleeping against my neck, on the back of the stuffed rocking comfy chair, are pure presence. Cats are noble beings, totally in the present, not subservient, once you earn their trust they make you their peer. What a peer group cats are, relaxed, spontaneous, honest, affectionate beings. Let's get together and melt.

*

Chewed four fresh leaves Sunday afternoon and once again was humbled, to be just ordinary flesh, coextensive with all life.

Living flesh is the portal to all living flesh. The One produces many, many forms of itself, and the forms forget they are of the One. How else could they put bullets and knives through the flesh of the One through fear, greed, anger and ideology?

Empathy for all flesh is one of the consequences of Salvia use.

Normally shy and reluctant to strike up conversations with strangers, last night I saw a woman sitting outside a pizza shop, smoking, without a coat on on a a cold night. I mentioned how it's a chilly one, and she perked up, talking about how good it felt to be in the cold after working over a hot pizza oven. Normally I wouldn't talk to someone smoking, having residual judgmental feelings about 'smokers' that have given me excuse to ignore them as they indulge in a noxious habit. Last night I was able--and willing--to empathize with, and communicate with, fellow flesh, smokers or not.

Compassion and empathy are closely related. Salvia can enhance empathy, and help grow compassion in the heart, to overlook appearances, names, forms, roles, false identities, and enable us to be attuned to the livingness and awareness of all living beings, that it is life communing with itself.

*

One impulse I've had since early adolescence is to periodically divest myself of toys and attachments to toys. That impulse is coming around again, and I feel pangs of regret for buying such things as digital camera, recumbent bicycle, synthesized keyboard, amateur radio station. I could truly live just as well without any of those things. Moreover, I could do without television, cable access, computer, cable modem Internet, cell phones. In a perfect outer world I would be content with the basic necessities of life and personal hygiene, and maybe a guitar. Maybe a plain non-caller-ID non-voicemail telephone.

The customary 'necessities' of life are often expensive, and unnecessary, complications to a life filled with charm. Simplify I would.

Outwardly my life appears cluttered and complicated. Inwardly is where I really live, and if I can at least enjoy an inward simplicity and spaciousness--which the universe has provided--I can tolerate living in a cluttered complicated expensive outward environment. Just as the 'pain-body' led me to the Now, the 'clutter-body' has led me to the inward zendo.

The way out of this is, naturally, letting the resident universal spirit take over. With lightness, ease, joy in the body, in the spirit, why bother quibbling? Joie de vivre, joie de existence. Who could ask for more. There is nothing better.

*

The welcoming-in of the true self and living in the body as the true self is the ultimate consummation of the ultimate love affair. What we so vainly seek in an other to make us feel whole we can find in ourselves as the universal true self.

When the true self is completely in charge, and the false, thought-based self has been seen for what it isn't and thus has ceased to exist, there is a delightful homecoming within the body.

*

Etymology can be a revelation as well as a distraction. Looking up "prophet" in the big dictionary to see what exactly a prophet is supposed to be, I see that a prophet is one who speaks under the influence of God, or at least spirit.

It's getting clearer to me how deeply distracted people commonly are, either self-distracted or other-distracted. Pleasing music piped directly into ear canals; the chattering of a faraway friend directed to ear and brain via cellphone; watching television; staring at computer screen; caught in traffic, maneuvering for survival; etc. etc.

Whatever the distraction, distractions do distract. The crucial thing people are usually distracted away from being aware of is: life itself, the livingness within, the livingness in every being, the serene living miracle of now. Distracted from Being, from the present, from awareness, from presence.

The most precious thing there is, Being. A little water, a little food, maintains it. That we are the universe in human form is a fact which eludes those who are distracted, while they are distracted.

To turn attention within, to now, is to access all the power of the universe, to realize the universe within, to be aware of the union of form and all other forms and formlessness, to be aware of the eternal energy nature.

*

Letting the now be, being receptive to the is-ness and what is happening right now, is prerequisite to finding the humor of things as they are. I was never closer to the truth than I was when, as a public school student, I would be excruciatingly alert in a silent roomful of children taking a test or reading, and notice something such as mismatched socks the teacher was wearing, or hear a fart, or see a face someone was making. It was physically painful to be in the throes of a silent laughing fit. In the pregnant silence and stillness of the now, to witness the unfolding of things is cause for joy, and for a good laugh.

The universe witnessing itself, and laughing at its expense.

*

Two of me: one is the cynical, sarcastic, perfectionistic karma-creator who has hurt himself and other people throughout the span of his existence. Tolle's 'pain-body' alive and well and saying hurtful, judgmental things to himself and to others. Totally dualistic.

The other is my true self, always one with the universe, the universe in human form, universal life energy, buddha nature, brahman, spirit. Being of the One, it is impossible to create karma with itself. Totally nondualistic. Tolle's 'Being', 'presence.'

When conditions are right I am my true self. Chewing Salvia leaves helps me realize the true self. Listening to or reading nonduality words such as Tolle's helps me to just be my true self. Writing about the true self helps me manifest the true self.

The signs of manifesting true self include deep peace, joy, and ease. To reflect on this brings me back to now, where true self abides.

Just simply to be, is to be what has been called buddha-nature. We are already buddha-nature. In order to be, it helps to extinguish desires and aversions. It's impossible to be while at the mercy of desires and aversions.

Meditation is the process of learning how to simply be, and to be the witness of thoughts and senses and phenomena while being.

*

Yesterday, Sunday, a fairly warm day, and managed to slip away to that good spot just up the street, in secluded woods and weeds. Chewed four big fresh Salvia leaves in the late afternoon sunlight, and stood before a leafless tree and saw my own body, my own nervous system, in the tree. My question of 'how should I be?' was answered by the tree, as my own tree became loose, unbound, free between earth and sky: be natural. Everyone wants to be natural. Everyone wants to be around people who are natural. That's why animal companions are so beloved, and so therapeutic. They remind us how to just be ourselves, our true self, our natural self. Simple beautiful beings, fully present, fully aware, spontaneous, genuine.

Closed my eyes at the peak, and saw life energy moving through kaleidoscopically, fractally, a living flowing crystalline frost of life energy.

So I am a simple animal, in the repose with which nature has blessed its own.

*

There is a place on campus I pass through often, and for many years it has been where self-realization has been particularly easy. It's between Severance and Finney, the intersection of Lorain and Professor streets. When I walk past Finney Chapel along Lorain Street I am more easily aware of the universal awareness looking through these eyes, that this being and this awareness are not 'mine' or in any way separate and distinct from any other being and awareness, that this is the flesh and awareness that just is, of cosmic proportions and utterly common, completely of nature. In short, overcoming the false self and letting the true self manifest fully, walking down the sidewalk, relieved of the burden of delusion of separate self.

And it is not a pat or glib end of anyone's suffering, to surrender to one's true self. Anyone, in any circumstance, no matter how wretched or oppressed, can reach the point of self-realization, the end of the fictitious 'sufferer', or rather the realization of just who is living that wretched oppressed life, who inhabits that diseased, malnourished human form.

I think of all the beings who are sick, injured, old, starving, dehydrated, in pain, of all species. Would that all forms of the One Life at least have palliative care, if not definitive care, as each form experiences being in forms destined to fall apart.

The challenge is that those in the grip of delusion tend to stay in the grip of delusion until something happens to snap them out of it.

Life crises can effect self-realization. School of hard knocks. Whatever it takes--book, lecture, entheogen, eye-to-eye, heart-to-heart.

It's time for people to wake up. Now is the only time we ever have. The fantasy is only a fantasy.

I now know what it's like to live to see the end of time. My time has ended. There is only the constant now, and One in many forms.

*

This is one moment, one continuous moment, not a string of dots along a timeline. All things always exist in the continuous moment, changing form, becoming form, unforming, becoming another form. One thing changing its form.

Celebration of the now with four cats, three on the lap, one behind my neck on the back of the chair. Total peace, total security, total trust, total love. One thing in five forms, four feline forms, one human form. Come together, then disperse. Throw a penny to set up a distraction so that the lovely spell can be broken and I can get ready for a day at the office.

Sorely tempted to consider myself a member of the "Blue Nation" that voted for Kerry. Problem is, half of my family is "Red Nation" and voted for Bush. I've bottomed out with anger and cynicism over politics. Now back to the seamless realm of spirit, where Blue and Red do not exist. In the now, there is either the peace, wisdom and love of presence, of being, of spirit, or the agitation and anger of unconsciousness, identification with thought, with ideology, with pain body. There is the real divide: presence and unconsciousness. It is important only that I be as fully present as possible in this continuous moment and not participate in unconscious games.

*

As I continue to reach the end of "The Power of Now" I am astonished at how much his words resonate with me, he's saying my words! And when I read the paragraph about his having lived with several Zen masters, a.k.a. cats, that did it. Tolle's out there doing the thing that I do only in my imagination. My practice is limited in scope.

What I want to try to do is incorporate entheogens into my presentation, the fact that an entheogenic substance changed my understanding profoundly at age 18, putting me totally in the now for the first time, and another entheogenic substance put me in touch not only with now but also with the Living One at age 46. Tolle dismisses drugs as being a see-saw, without going into specifics.

Salvia, as with all entheogens, provides a glimpse, a new way to be, a fresh understanding, an awakening, that can be the right experience of the now in the now for many people. To live out our days as the Being we really are, as soon as we are ready for it, and want it, is what it's all about. To delay this wonderful state of awareness, of presence, is unnecessary.

*

Along with "kill the Buddha" I must say "kill the Eckhart Tolles" as well, the Chopras, the Dyers et al. The pro Enlightened Ones, especially the ones who publish, and speak for cash, obviously fill a void and have a role. Just another role. They point to a way, it's up to us to find our own way.

That's why I cherish the teacher plants and the teacher animals. They just are. They have nothing to say, they just are what they are. When I chew Salvia leaves and look at a flower or a vibrant leafy plant I see Suchness, and am in the presence of Suchness, and Suchness is conveyed, realized, shared.

Give me your Suchness, and I'll give you mine.

*

Looks like Caesar Georgeosus will get his wish and rule what he rules for four more years.

Meanwhile, back in the sacred secret space of individual humans' awareness...

The pinnacle of pure being, lying on the upstairs guest bed, with cats only present, chewing fresh Salvia leaves and realizing, as if in a waking dream of the purest reality, which it is, that it is within my power, everyone's power, to just be this pure being, to radiate the perfection that we perfect beings embody. There is One Being, One Life, and it is perfect, and so are all its forms. To be this...such a seemingly obvious inconsequential irrelevant ineffectual thing, absurd, insane, to those who have not experienced their true nature, the pure being...

So I remember the realization of pure being, and sit, stand, walk, talk, while being this pure being. This is what I am obviously destined to realize, and to be. I cannot possibly be anything else anymore. I am home. I am real. I am that I am.

We can be as much of what we really are as we want to be.

*shining on*

*

A self-described burned-out old hippie, a spiritual teacher, once said spiritual teaching is free or it ain't real. When Tolle gives talks at 40 dollars a head, and his book becomes a bestseller hyped by celebrities, I feel my hackles rise.

Did the anonymous rishis who wrote the Upanishads become darlings of the New Age circuit?

How about the impoverished Zen masters, the enlightened patriarchs? Did they achieve fame and fortune?

Still, what Tolle said points in the right direction. I trust him, and what he says resonates. The resonance of the self with the universe is pure peace, pure awareness, pure being, pure bliss, pure presence.

Hakuin said that perfect tranquility is found in this moment, and since this moment lasts forever, so does the tranquility. And so it is, the palpable peace.

I have my own work, maintaining presence, especially at home, where it's occasionally extremely difficult to maintain.

*

A most wonderful confluence this weekend culminating in All Hallow's Eve 2004. Reading Eckhart Tolle's "The Power of Now" and then lying down in the evening, chewing four large vibrantly fresh Salvia divinorum leaves. Pure magic, pure reality, pure being, pure awareness, pure presence. The mantras started out with "uh HUH, uh HUH, uh HUH" and finished off with "Holy Crap, Holy Crap, Holy Crap."

Thank you, Eckhart. Thank you, Salvia. Thank you, o One Life. What's not to love.

Pure being, pure awareness, pure presence.

All now.

*

To be qualified to heal others, one must first heal oneself. Only then does one know the nature of dis-ease. In the now moment, when energy flows through our form freely, without obstruction, there is the unmistakable feeling of Ease: the bones, muscles, nerves, organs, are all loose and free. To remain at ease, relaxed, filled with peace and compassion for the universe in all its forms, is the attainable goal, the state of heal-th, of having been healed, made whole, and capable of healing others by virtue of being whole. The presence of wholeness begets wholeness.

*

Part of not selling one's soul is to enjoy the qualities of the soul, i.e., that pure eternal universal energy, living water of spirit. The spirit, when in its unadulterated form, is calm, cool, clear. It is felt in the heart cave as a spring overflowing with deep peace.

To live with this feeling of my own soul is more than I could ever ask.

Having suffered from a troubled heart not long ago, the contrast is striking: agitation, anxiety, roiling the waters, a troubled heart...to what is in this now moment, which is the peace of the spirit, a deep peace in the heart cave. This is what I wish for all beings. May all beings live in deep peace, may all beings realize the universal soul, and live in it fully, in the now moment.

*

Total lunar eclipse last night. At the public viewing session the crowd, mostly young people, became very loud and excited as the Moon approached totality. It was the sound of a tribe of natives undergoing mass enchantment, a sound as old as humanity.

Later, alone at home, took digital images of the Moon. The sky was much clearer at home than at the public site.

Photographs of nature are like the words of the naturalist or of the philosopher. They can be very beautiful, but are nothing compared to the source. It is to find the source, to experience the source, to realize the source: the source of one's own being, of all being, which is found to be everywhere, including one's body and awareness.

As much as I respect Print Culture and the Life of the Mind, I also am aware of how easily people are blinded by words, by concepts, sometimes to the extreme, in the case of ideologues who can justify killing and maiming in the name of a concept, be it "freedom" or "The Third Reich." The transmission of memes via the mass media that conditions susceptible people to believe anything...advertising, for instance, how overconsumption must become a way of life. To assume it takes X amount of energy to live a 'normal life' in the United States, rather than find ways of living without the necessity of burning thousands of barrels of oil per person just to be part of the "American Way of Life", megawatts upon megawatts of electricity/tons of coal/untold kilograms of radioactive waste, to live the Good Life, is the lie foisted on a technologically savvy but spiritually blind culture.

*

This very mind is the universal mind, pure awareness. This very body is the body of the universe. Just to realize this, is too wonderful for words. No big deal, nothing special, just as it is. Nothing exotic, nothing esoteric. Just plain old mind, just life.

Walked the cemetery last night. Contemplated epitaph, if indeed I would want to put an urn and stone in the public boneyard. "Here is what's left of the form of universal energy called William Arden Ruth." Something to make it clear that just because energy changes form doesn't mean any death whatsoever is involved in the process. Maybe "Energy can't be created or destroyed, only changed in form. Woo hoo!"

*

What I achieve 'alone', or in the fur-to-fur communions with the cats, is something I wish for all flesh: that no-one feels alienated, alone, separate, unloved. All flesh should commingle and commune with itself, forms coming together to form a warm unified mass of sentient flesh, merged with itself. This is not a sexual union but a total union where the individual form reunites with one or many other forms to become One Flesh. The sacrament of marriage, where two become one flesh, need not be limited to union with just one other form, of the opposite gender, sexually, for procreation-as-making-one-fleshbaby. Would that we could all realize that we all already One Flesh, married to every being, every being of One Flesh. A suitable sacramental service to commemorate One Flesh would be where everyone would lie together, flesh to flesh, nonsexually, just together, flesh connected to flesh, the warm life force field of each form interpenetrating and melding to form one organism, forms melted together into one indistinguishable mass, the universe coming back together.

*

While I'm thinking of it long enough to write it down: how absolutely true it is that living a virtuous life is absolutely essential to self-realization. To behave well, to be considerate of others, to live the respectful, respectable life, sets the stage, the mindset, for self-realization to happen. The True Self will manifest when the False Self has not been given free rein. Pure Awareness, to be aware of itself, must not be caught in compulsive loops of Captured Awareness directed toward trivial pursuits, those things people habitually flee from or flee toward. Desires, in other words. The virtuous life is characterized as selfless, noble, unselfish; to be this way implies not being controlled by selfish desire, not being blinded by one's attachments to this and that.

Been contemplating The Moment off and on today, how good it is just to let things be, to let things unfold in The Moment. Had no idea how productive this line of meditation was until just now, when walking across the library to fetch something, and suddenly realized that I had Pure Awareness, or rather that I already have, already am, Pure Awareness, that Pure Awareness the Zen masters refer to when talking about frogs, or dogs, pure awareness, razor sharp sentience in The Moment. This Pure Awareness is truly formless, empty, empty of opinion, of judgment, of notions, of thoughts. And full, fully in The Moment, so full, so wonderful, clean clear cool water Awareness. Awareness that fully experiences The Moment, fully contains The Moment. Pure Awareness is possessed by all beings, everywhere. How totally wonderful it is. This is the Awareness that provided my boyhood laughing fits, sitting in a quiet classroom, picking up on everything, especially the absurd, the comic reality unfolding in The Moment.

*

Plagued over decades, most of my adult life, with unshakable feeling that all's but a dream. Could never feel 'normal', could never take this dream so deadly literally seriously. Maybe it's partly due to spending the first six years of my life legally blind, very nearsighted yet undiagnosed and uncorrected, and everything beyond a foot or two from me was a big blur.

Spent time in a smoky bar with family and friends. Some people fight Maya with Maya, and hole up in dark rooms while modulating consciousness with nicotine and alcohol, in the glow of soft colored lights, throwing darts, shooting pool, punching up loud anthems in the jukebox. All this too is part of my Big Mind, Big Self.

Again have that cool peace in my heart cave. All things considered, if I had but one thing to take with me, it's peace. Deep cool peace, flowing out of the heart cave, the endless bottomless spring of pure spirit.

*

What a delight it is to reread Aldous Huxley's introduction to the Bhagavad Gita. Brilliant as it gets. Gets better over time.

Prakriti/Maya the source of duality: how the universe can lead itself to believe it is separate from itself, a separate self, a separate identity. How could it not think it's many, the plurality of spontaneous sentient forms is a fooler all right. The great show is so well-done it's almost impossible to suspend disbelief.

Yet once in a while unsuspended disbelief happens, and duality turns into nonduality. Self-realization happens. E pluribus unum.

*

The big problem with nonduality is that there is no 'other' to pray to. It's silly for God to sit there praying to God. No 'other' kind of puts a damper on other activities, such as having 'others' to hate, have a crush on, etc. etc.

There is truth and wisdom in the tacky old profane bumper sticker observation Shit Happens. Birth happens. Death happens. Change happens. Waking up happens. Falling asleep happens. Everything in this moment just happens.

So if shit just keeps happening, why not be...happy.

*

The way to gauge the presence or absence of the nondualistic perspective is the amount of negativity, judgmentality, hostility etc. expressed and contained within a person. Presence of such attributes indicates the presence of duality delusion. Absence of such attributes could indicate a nondualistic perspective. Confirmation of nonduality is made when the individual expresses unconditional love in the moment, delight in the moment.

*

So when you feel like shit, just ask yourself Who, really, is feeling like shit? The universal spirit, knowing itself within a form it takes, is the essence of freedom, peace, wisdom, love, bliss, light and eternal being. When self-realized and self-illumined, the universal spirit in form doesn't feel like shit for long.

*

A fitful sleep, waking up at 3:30 a.m. worrying about our very own personal budget deficit again. Fell asleep just in time to be awakened by the pulsing penetrating buzz of the alarm clock.

I was able to be resuscitated by coffee, a shower, and a walk through the fog and fallen leaves. Existential checklist was complete, all systems nominal. Singing confirmed existential wellness.

If I was naught but sentient flesh--no arms, legs, or sensory abilities whatsoever--I would still realize I am a node of universal spirit, just passing through in this form. With the days remaining in this form, come what may, I will enjoy each day as befits a self-realized manifestation of universal spirit.

Of course I am looking for effective ways to help with the awakening process in the forms with which I am near, as I tend to my own wakefulness.

I am sorely tempted to play the role of priest. "Priest" as "presbyterian" implies "presby": old, old, old. Yet 'being a priest' is playing a role, and if I was to play just one role, that would limit me, as I am that I am, and that is not just a priest, or slacker, or slob, or man, or any one thing. My grandmother once called me a "bearded whatchamacallit" and though I took umbrage at the time, being a young man and full of myself, I think she was being perspicacious as well as honest, for I was then, as I am now, unabashedly inalterably un-Defined, as befits the Tao in human form.

When is one old enough to be qualified to speak of the universal spirit? When enough mistakes have been made that there is only the option of surrender to the truth, i.e., the immanence and transcendence of the universal spirit, and it is this spirit who does all the talking.

From whence cometh the authority to speak of such? From the universal spirit, of course.

*

What an amazing sensory organ for the universe we are, a thinking node of the universe too.

Yet what a stubborn, thickheaded, warped, clogged filter our perception so often is, filled with opinions, notions, beliefs, interpretations and misinterpretations. Everything in our experience is in the mind, and if the mind is in a negative deluded state--quite commonly the case--our experience of our being in the universe is colored with some very muddy, opaque colors.

And so I marvel at the dynamic quality of existence as mediated through this mind, depending on thought content, degree of awakeness to awakeness and awareness of awareness. There is such great wisdom found in meditation, when the mind's activity is simply observed, dispassionately, by the universal witness, the universal mind, which is vast, pure, empty, and contains all things.

*

Just as every 'other' individual is a unique expression of our true nature, so too the 'others' who manifest in our dreams are manifestions of our true nature as well. In a vivid dream I had this morning, I was trying to find out the name of a man in a red shirt who was having great success in helping people find the Great Peace in the eternal now by employing a combination of Salvia and shaktipat at the third eye spot.

I never did see the red-shirted one, nor did I see him in the dream when I went to look for him, although I know he was around. Whether he was me, or an aspect of me, makes no difference at all in the nondual universe.

This morning I spent quality time with the cats, the Masters of the Moment.

Quite a contrast from yesterday, when I allowed the numbers on the Visa statement to turn the moment into an orgy of anger and despair. It's not debt and clutter per se that is spiritually blinding, it's my reaction to them.

I learned, once again, how crucial it is to love unconditionally, no matter what.

Anger, lust, greed, jealousy, envy, gluttony, sloth cloud the mind, desecrate the moment. These old seven deadly sins are deadly drugs against which there are no laws.

The purity of the moment, the peace of the moment, silently remains to be discovered, forever.

*

Cocooned in The Moment
In this very moment, this moment that lasts forever, it is up to each of us to find the absolute security that is at the heart of this moment, for such is at the heart of the universe. To simply be, in this moment, calm, collected, complete, as the universe naturally happens to be in this moment, is our birthright.

And this cocoon of absolute security can be shared. The minor urban craze of 'snuggle parties'--adults in pajamas cuddling together with strangers, friends and acquaintances--is an attempt to find, and share, this moment of absolute security.

I find that this moment is best, and most easily, reached and shared while lying in bed with my beloved companion cats. With or without the help of Salvia, we, the cats and I, attain the perfect moment, warm, secure, bathed in total trust, total relaxation, completion.

The essence of the moment of absolute security can, and must, be found and enjoyed in every circumstance, with every being.

*

This "I" born not from its own desire to be born but from parental desire for pleasure and/or progeny, this "I" is the universal "I" and the sooner the individual can realize this the better; it's not megalomania, it's not an intellectual's plaything conceit to say this, to realize this, but an absolutely crucial realization to make one's existence meaningful, one's suffering bearable. When existence is meaningless, when suffering is intense or interminable, the crucial question to ask is, "Who is suffering?" When this question is answered, by the same One who asked this question, then there is meaning, and suffering becomes bearable.

The work at hand is to live in such a way that all beings are treated as part of oneself. Everyone needs enough clean water, enough food, enough clothing, enough shelter, enough medical care, enough education, enough electricity, enough basic appliances for cooking, communication and entertainment, enough security, enough sustainability, enough useful employment. If everyone was content with enough, there would be enough, and love, peace, and wisdom would be the normal state of affairs. If those without enough were provided with enough by those who could provide for others, there would be no greed, no hate, no envy, no fear, no violence, no war.

Equal redistribution of the world's wealth so that everyone has enough is not socialism, not Marxism, not communism, just the expression of the love of the universal spirit for itself in the material plane.

It is my hope that I can find a standard of living that, as well as being enough for me, is possible to provide to everyone on this earth. Could then everyone have a musical instrument, a computer, a digital camera, a personal radio station, a refrigerator, a television, a radio, a bicycle, a car, as well as enough water, food, clothing, shelter, medical care and education? If not, could I live in such a way that everyone could conceivably live likewise with the resources we already have: clean water, vegan food supply, warm clothing, shoes, housing, fuel for house and car, adequate medical and dental care, adequate education, useful employment, electricity, basic appliances for cooking, communication and entertainment?

Not everyone could live like the upper class, even if they wanted--the planet could not support that.

Not everyone would want to live as the impoverished must live.

If everyone wanted just enough, humanity would be blessed.

*

The fundamental situation everyone is in is that we didn't ask to be born. So here we are. Are we supposed to meet our parents' expectations, if indeed they have any for us, or what? If we do fail to meet any expectations of others, should we feel we've done wrong, or failed somehow?

Fortunately, my early environment and upbringing were sufficiently enriched and open-ended that I found my way to something very, very good, even though my way has been way off the beaten path. My friends and family have taken their paths, well-beaten and otherwise, and where their paths have taken them is not really what I'm interested in. What's a babe in the woods to do with his life anyway?

The vedantic nondual splendor which is now mine forevermore is the best boon I could ever have hoped for. It makes everything meaningful, especially relationships with others, be they human, animal, vegetable or mineral. As engaged as it has made little ol' introverted/introspective me, I yearn to shout it from the housetops and grab people by the lapels, to make passionate love to every sentient being and bring each to a climax of nondual understanding.

At least I know my efforts are not wasted, that all that I am, and how I am, and the love I share, goes on forever, beautifully anonymous, bringing up the baseline of the noosphere. The noosphere has been very kind to me, and it's only proper that I return the favor.

*

Demons versus Core.
Again working through anger, anxiety, stress--a million reasons to be in perfect angst. Slept fitfully, woke early, stayed up and enjoyed simple pleasures. Still enjoying simple pleasures. The Voluntary Simplicity movement is something in which I yearn to participate fully. If only my spouse, and everyone, would be willing to live simply. To be in debt, with the wolves circling the door, is not how I wish to live the rest of my life. My demons are furious at the mindless materialism and consumerism that has infected my household and my planet.

Enter the core. All that is within my power to do at the moment is to be that which I seek. The simplest thing, the most important thing, is the core of being, the ground of being, within. This brilliant universal energy that has taken all form. To express this brilliant, calm reality in this moment, to live in this effulgent core as this effulgent core, is refuge, salvation, where all demons vanish and cool peace once again reigns in the heart.

The core's the thing. I've been shaken to the core, by difficult circumstances, by Salvia divinorum. Out of necessity I've sought the core, and have found it.

I am so grateful to be now able to live from the core. I am also grateful to be now able to forgive people for not living from the core. Nothing and no-one can stop me from being what I am, from living from the core, as the core.

Who's writing this? Who's reading this? Who's speaking? Who's listening? Who's living this life? The core. The core. It takes one to know one. What is, is, and what is, is universal spirit. Amazing stuff.

*

There is a hunger among those miserable with their false identity, taking name, form, role, station in life seriously, for the perfect, all-powerful Other, be it God or be it extraterrestrial abduction. The banality, the unsatisfactoriness, of identification with conditioned mind drives people to drink, to organized religion, to political movements of every stripe, in attempts to get out of a limited identity at least now and then.

The source of human misery is misidentification, which comes about through fundamental ignorance of our true nature, our true identity, which is the universal spirit. "We", as disparate forms, have names for the sake of convenience, and we have a unique temporary form occupying space, yet we are all the universal spirit.

It's crucial that people wake up to who they really are before it's too late for them. Over and over, people live and die not having realized their true nature, which has been living their life all along, taking the name and form and role and disguise deadly serious as their identity. Some people may not be suffering with such ignorance, living in the moment, happy, and thinking good and loving thoughts. They share the grace of the animal, being pure guileless spirits naturally.

However, to understand, to realize, what we really are forms the basis for a rich, meaningful, aware, unconditioned life and unconditional love based on knowing who's alive, being loved, and doing the loving.

*

It's hypocritical to shower pets with affection while regularly eating cows, pigs, lambs, chickens, turkeys and fish. If you consider yourself an animal-lover, you don't eat them, it's that simple. Anything that lives and breathes is animated by the universal life force. Plants live and breathe, but as they can live on sunlight and carbon dioxide and aimals can't, we must eat the plants in order to survive at all. Plants don't seem to mind this arrangement, and left unchecked, plants will cover the earth with a verdant abundant homeostatic canopy of never-ending life-giving nourishment and protection to all animals.

Some animals have evolved to survive by eating other animals only: the true carnivores, the predators. Predators keep the population of prey animals from getting unsustainable, which prey animals will do, breeding prolifically to the point where there is no food left if their numbers are unchecked.

With few predators left, and the worldwide forest canopy diminishing daily, the balance of life is becoming increasingly off-balance as human beings continue to grow in numbers and impact on the earth.

Eventually the earth will restore the balance of life by eliminating the cause of the imbalance. If human beings won't change their collective behavior to the point of sustainable existence, the continued existence of Homo sapiens will no longer be sustained. We will be the cause of our own extinction.

Our guiding ethos must be biocentric, one that supports all life, not just our own. Stop pouring concrete and asphalt, and let the plants and animals take back the earth. The green path is the path of life.

*

The word, printed and spoken, stored and transmitted in various ways, is always about the subject. Only when the subject is the word then it becomes real. The meaning of words is understood, and then finally the meaning of the subject to which the words refer. Sooner or later, the thing itself, the subject in question itself, must be experienced in its fullness, without the buffer, the intermediary, the barrier, of words.

Four years ago I read about Salvia divinorum and was able to acquire this teacher-plant because there was an effort made by many individuals to put the word out about Salvia. Traditional media has yet to convey the good news of Salvia very accurately, very effectively, if at all, although the Internet has managed to do so.

The problem with the Internet is the Digital Divide: only the privileged few have access to it. Even so, not everyone aware of Salvia via the Internet is able to acquire Salvia, either because of legal obstacles or political obstacles. In some cases, financial obstacles--the lack of credit card, for example--has made the acquisition of Salvia problematic.

The plant Salvia divinorum, like the word, is an intermediary between the knower and the known. Salvia lubricates the awareness so that it slips and slides, inexorably, back to the ground of being. This is a powerful, potentially life-changing experience, even though it is a short-lived one.

The challenge of Salvia, and the printed word, is to live the word, to become the subject, the known. To experience the living presence of the universal spirit is wonderful, the first time and any time afterward. The point is to surrender to the subject, and become the subject, and remain true to the subject, which in this case is the universal spirit, the presence in and between all forms everywhere forever.

*

At the moment, all is as well as I could have ever dreamed possible. This moment is eternal.

In the days remaining in this particular form, I, the universal spirit expressing in this particular form, will devote myself to the business of the universal spirit, which is, being true to myself, and loving my true self, present in every form. By being fully in the moment as that universal spirit I am, I can go forth in this form empowered by the gift of self-illumination until this form falls apart. There will always be forms the universal spirit assumes throughout the universe, and there will always be some forms that come to know they are the universal spirit. The universal spirit has total identification with, total recognition of, total compassion for, every form of itself.

*

Other than loving touch, eye contact (assuming both beings are equipped with intact vision) is the strongest path to mutual recognition and mutual trust. When my cats and I make eye contact there is a whole lot of mutual recognition, and mutual affection. We are all descendents of the same ancestor. I see my face in theirs, and they in mine.

The name of the game is love, the love expressed by One Mind and One Flesh through itself for itself.

*

To be incurious about sentient existence prolongs oblivion. To be curious about sentient existence leads to awakening. To be awake among sleepers is not a comfortable circumstance. Should I try to awaken them, or let them sleep while I go my very merry way?

*

What a hoot to see the universe fighting with itself for survival. One particular name and form fights a different particular name and form. The fiercest fighters are the ones most clueless about the universal self.

*

People go for long hikes in the wilderness or live in little cabins to "get back to nature." It's a lot easier to realize that nature is right under our noses, our very being is nature itself. Not too many people want to experience themselves as nature, thinking they're separate from nature, and have some kind of special separate identity. We can be as natural as we want to admit to being. The deep Salvia experience is a deep nature experience, deep ecology, realizing that nature in all its radiant purity is what we really are, life itself, one with nature. With the eye of nature we realize our true nature which is nature. It's all natural. Be natural then.

*

My cosmic assignment is to be peaceful and happy, now, here, at work, at home, everywhere, all the time. This is for the well-being of all beings, especially myself, my mate, everyone in my life. Attachments and desires sure do run counter to the assignment. So does fear, anxiety, despair, misanthropy, no jaundiced views.

My cats are delightful because they are quite peaceful and happy, and they have no attachments, no desires, no fear, no anxiety, no despair, no misanthropy, no jaundiced views. They just are what they are, with simple basic needs they manage to meet without a fuss.

*

In a funk of fury and despair last night. As entitled as I may have been to feel that way, the common perception of righteous anger, justifiable wrath, rationale for loss of temper, I made a conscious, deliberate decision to bite my tongue, bide my time, and "forgive seventy times seven." Today, that strategy was obviously the best strategy. Again and again, in order to save my soul from a perceived eternal damnation--that being indefinitely sustained anger in the present--I have weathered the storm yet again, and am able to see now. "See" is italicized. See is a code word signifying that the universe is self-realized in a particular life-form and is the one universal spirit that sees through every eye, and sees itself for what it is.

My role model of wisdom, integrity, aplomb, purity and all that is real, all that is natural and good and authentic, is the cat. To have four cats sharing my home and my life is a blessing that I would wish on everyone. Animals are perfect beings. Pure spirits. Wise furry beings. Beautiful magical rainbow beings.

*

Directing visitors driving in to the engine show was a trial-by-fire of practicing nonduality. There is the Self in various guises, heavy on the grizzled. Gotta love 'em all, they're all part of the One True Self, part of capital-M Me. So there I stand, the Cosmic Greeter. The misanthropism fades, and philanthropy--ah, make that biophilia--comes on very very strong.

I used to identify myself as a bibliophile, a word man. That I'm good with the English language is part of my inheritance. Now, at this advanced age, I'm turning into a biophile. I much prefer looking at flowers than looking at books.

*

Now in the throes of maximum situational stress. It's altogether too easy to look upon my situation and have the perception that everything's falling apart. The fact is, even in the best of circumstances for anyone, everything does fall apart eventually. Coming into the world with nothing, and leaving the world with nothing, in between it's a total crap shoot, puppets of luck and karma.

This is such a difficult time I think of it as a test which I can't help but take. My response to this test is being evaluated by none other than Gawd, i.e., that cool intelligent living truth that permeates the universe, including the universe in this flabby bag of middle-aged skin known as Bill.

The bodhisattva's first job is to save himself, for in learning how to save himself, he might be in a position to help others save themselves. In other words, by finding the refuge of the true self even while in the midst of extreme personal difficulties, ESPECIALLY while in the midst of extreme personal difficulties--finding own's own "soul"--I might be more helpful to others who've been distracted away from the refuge of their own true self by the complicated materialistic dualistic shithole society within which we must live and work.

*

It's extremely difficult for me not to "have views", i.e. have opinions, pass judgment, see things in a particular light. Just to see, things as they are; just to accept these things, just as they are, is almost impossible for me. Yet I strive every moment I can remember, to see without opinion, to see without judgment. I strive to be as simple and pure as my cats. The cat walks into the room, just a cat, don't mind me. People love animals because they have no views, because they are real, because they express themselves totally, authentically. They see with pure sight, with no views. Pure spirits, ready to love and be loved by other animals, or ready to eat or be eaten by them.

*

Over and over again, I snap out of it, and realize I have not been fully present in the present. Where was I? No matter. I'm back, in the moment, the endless moment. Unfolding in the moment.

*

Be a bipedal animal, hold your big head on your upright spine in balance. Keep the spine nice and loose and straight. Watch posture, standing, walking, sitting, lying down. Watch cats and dogs to see how to be relaxed and have good posture and be natural and spontaneous and IN THE MOMENT.

*

Something's gotta give.
Reaching the breaking point, the saturation point, the tipping point, the boiling point, the point of maximum existential frustration, something's gotta give.
What gives, if you're lucky, is your old self, your old identity, your limited concept of self, your role in the mass delusion called by some the 'reality-principle', or conventional thinking.
Something has to take its place.
That something is, in a word, spirit.
We're not spiritual beings, we don't have spirit within, WE ARE SPIRIT.
Our entire being, body, mind, energy, is all the same spirit.
This moment is the same moment, this spirit is the same spirit, playing, playing out, forever.
Whatever the circumstances, no matter how horrible,
Whatever the flaws of things or people,
The truth remains the same truth.
The moment remains the same moment.
The spirit remains the same spirit.
Recognizing, realizing, our true nature as pure spirit is pure freedom.
Wild, true, self-sustaining.

*

The perennial problem of attaining immortality through art, be it painting, literature, music or what have you, is the perishability of the media that any civilization uses to store its works. Clay tablets seem to last the longest, although the exposure to them is limited. In modern times the Internet and the World Wide Web and its prodigious servers store and convey a vast amount of information, including works of art, and much of the intellectual life of modern civilization. However, servers crash, civilizations decline, CD-ROMs degrade...there is still no way to ensure that one's thoughts will be preserved, or reproducible, in future.

The one medium that has proven staying power is the medium of spirit. The field of the immortality of influences remains as long as there is reasonably stable, intelligent life on the planet. What is tangibly an oral tradition passed along from generation to generation is, ultimately, a spiritual tradition, written in spirit, received by spirit, making individuals how they are, persisting in the eternal field of spirit.

The finest works of art elicit a feeling of beauty and meaning in both artist and enjoyer of the art. The finest works of art in the spiritual medium are works such as 'unconditional love', 'forgiveness', 'patience', 'peace', 'humility', 'gratitude' etc. These works are passed from person to person, persisting in the medium of spirit. The medium of the spirit does not crash, does not degrade, does not become unreadable, does not become undecodable, does not become unreproducible. Love and good will are artistic legacies manifested in the spirit that persist, and propagate.

*

In the arb on Monday afternoon, chewed two big fresh leaves. This body was taken over by wild animal spirit while walking on the trails in the primeval forest. Still occupying, still comfortable in this body. I'm an old animal. This big head is tricky to balance on the spine, walking as this body does on two legs.

*

Can procrastinate no longer. I can only be that which I am. I can't tolerate a troubled heart anymore. It all boils down to soul awareness, soul purity, soul freedom, soul integrity: finding home and refuge in the soul, the beautiful soul. Materialism troubles the heart. Clinging to things, to situations; fear of loss of things, of situations; lots of trouble. The soul waits for us to find it within ourselves. When we find our own soul, which is in fact the universal soul, not 'ours' to keep, we find peace, fulfillment, love, wisdom, patience, all that is good, true, real. We have come home.

*

Yesterday started with one fresh leaf, an existential nudge that worked very well. It is always spirit carrying the burden.
Then a long bicycle ride, falling in love with all life. The Beautiful One loves me totally, and I love the Beautiful One in all its manifestations, be they animals, vegetables, minerals, people, sun, sky, water, earth.

*

Awash in stress. There was a book written a while back titled "The Wisdom of Anxiety" or some such theme, with the premise being that any thinking person ought to be anxious, given the state of the world and the human condition. Maybe so. If I was completely obliviously totally ignorant I might not have anxiety, depression and high blood pressure at the moment. Such is not the case. I will take more blood pressure medicine and pay the mounting bills as best I can, and let the global chips fall where they may.

I'm life spirit, a life form, a form of life spirit, as we all are. It's the materialism that has buggered things so badly.

*

Even in the midst of very stressful circumstances, as I happen to be in now, I would not wish to do a disservice to that Beautiful One that lives in me as me. The Great Spirit, being all of me, is to be honored, to be expressed. To shine with the peace and brilliance of this Great Spirit is only natural. If cats, bugs and weeds can be pure beings, radiant with Spirit, then why should not I be likewise?

*

To lie down for a while, chewing fresh Salvia divinorum leaves while in the company of those pure affectionate spirits the cats, and return to the natural state, naked, free, deeply relaxed, is the existential experiential payback I so richly deserve. It is the payback every being richly deserves. The secret reminder of this blessed state is a slight moving of my head to free up the cervical vertebrae, and from there to sit and stand straight, slightly flexing the spine, moving the body around gently in such a way to bring the spine into the best possible alignment, nerves, vessels, all tissue free and unencumbered, balanced and radiant with life energy. This thing I am, is universal as well as particular.

The Great Spirit, impartial, holding no views, seeing through every eye, hearing through every ear, living every life. It is the Great Spirit doing all things, being all things.

*

And even in spite of, or perhaps because of, mundane difficulties, I walk across town and sing I Am All Yours, You Are All Mine, You Are So Beautiful. I am no longer afraid of death. I will do the best I can to make things as fun and as smooth as they can be, while they last. The One Beautiful Self-Consuming Body has me in thrall. And I say Thank You. Thank You. Thank You. Thank you for the glimpses. Take me when it's time. You got me already. I'm all yours, you're all mine, and you are beautiful.

*

It's easy to relish one's own equanimity and marvelous non-attachment when living alone, having no-one else sharing your life, your bed, your roof. Not living alone, I lost equanimity and non-attachment when the stability and well-being of my household had been put in jeopardy by forces not altogether under my control. Alone, I could live in a box and be happy. My household must have a roof over our heads.

At least now I have a firsthand understanding of what it's like to be living in poverty. Poverty is not fun. As a concept, in a cloister, poverty is swell. In a materialistic society, poverty is ugly, painful, distressing and real.

I had to run through The Checklist this morning to get out this impecunious funk. Pulse present, regular; breathing unlabored; no physical pains; arms, legs, all muscle groups working; ears, eyes, nose, skin, taste buds all working; mind sound, the mind of buddha; body sound, the body of buddha; can talk; can even sing, which is a good sign; can understand; can comprehend; have insight; have health; have friends; have loved ones; have loving spouse; have loving furry children; have a job, that almost brings in enough to make ends meet; have music and the ability to make music; have cool toys; have access to the world through media and Internet and Amateur Radio; have venues to serve community, EMS practicing and teaching.

Debt sucks.

*

What a relief, what a delight, to let go, to collapse inwardly until the perfect repose of pure being is reached. It has taken me a half a century to become as wise as the housecat.

My favorite Buddha story is when Gautama silently held up a flower before his students. The student that got the point smiled. So do I smile, being the perishable flower of eternal spirit that I am.

*

This Web log in eternity can best be rightly assigned time based on cyclical natural events, namely, the seasons and the phases of the moon and the position of the sun in the sky. It is morning, late summer, first quarter moon, and after a long, restless night with dreams and difficulty catching my breath from congestion, I am showered and freshly dressed, at work, and finishing up the sweating from eating two fresh Salvia leaves this morning. Having become enslaved by thoughts, it is time to be free again. The freedom is a subtle state of mind, being in the body, being the body in fact, aware of awareness, aware of existence, fully in the body as the body, sitting and adjusting the spine, a tree of life, upside down perhaps, walking on two branches, an extension of The tree of life. And therein is freedom, truth, purification, peace. So simple, this is what I am, this is what I always am, forever. To bring the peace and the freedom and the wisdom and the compassion of the Tree to all branches with whom I intertwine is my eternal activity. The Tree of Life is its own profession.

To recognize the original face, in everything and everyone....to speak with the original voice. To live, to be, this original being, common to all things.

---

Perspective and identity. In this moment, the perspective from which I experience existence, and the identity I put upon this existence, determines the quality of this moment. The problem is that the context in which I find myself makes it variously easier or more difficult to be in that perspective and identity which provides a high quality experience of the moment. The two extremes that come to mind are: high quality intense meaningfulness healing purification moment via being in the midst of the natural world while chewing Salvia divinorum vs. low quality abstract role-playing stressful moment in politicized indoor institutional environment amidst other abstracted role-playing stressed-out politicized people.

---

What Salvia divinorum may do in the process of agonizing the kappa opioid receptors is to subdue thinking. With human beings, thoughts are the everyday hallucinations that produce misery. When thoughts are subdued, the living moment is intensified, the perspective shifts to that of an unconditioned being, a very alive, very aware presence, very much the living body. The body is, in essence, pure spirit, a noble animal. The mind of this noble animal is likewise pure, pure awareness, untroubled by thoughts.

---

Misery literally breeds misery. Two miserable people mate and produce offspring who become as miserable as their parents. There is certainly a transmission of miserableness as well as genetic information, passed along, a constant misery maintained in the moment. Misery is also propagated to others, not necessarily offspring. Human thoughts and human speech are vectors of misery, whether there are miserable actions or not. It's all in the mind.

There is as well the potential to transmit wisdom and compassion. Simply by being wise and compassionate examples, wisdom and compassion are propagated to other beings, whether offspring or not. It's all in the mind.

Misery does not originate in the body, it originates from thoughts floating in the mind. Some thoughts are traveling demons, passing from one host to another. Critical thinking skills are a bare minimum requirement to withstand the invasions of demonic thoughts; what's really required is the ability to recognize all thoughts as thoughts when they flash within the pure emptiness of the essence of mind.

---

In the arboretum, chewing a quid of fresh leaves yesterday. Much needed perspective enhancement achieved. "The world is on fire" said the buddha Gautama. How right he is. Everyone can seek peace, and find peace, and put the fire of desire/suffering out and replace it with cool, clear, pure insight. We are all pure spirits, manifestations of the one pure spirit. To realize that we are the pure spirit is to become complete, and the fire of desire goes out.

Once again I was reminded to walk tall, to be the noble being that I am, a natural being, unashamed, unafraid, filled with wisdom and compassion. In this moment I become what I already am, what I really am.

---

In this moment is the totality of the spontaneity of all things, from extreme pleasure to extreme agony. The composite experience of all sentient life is what the universal spirit experiences all the time.

Human beings have propagated and spread across the face of the earth, some living in areas not safe and not desirable. The catastrophic loss of life, and loss of quality of life, endured by countless members of the human race, could be prevented only by choosing not to live in unsafe and undesirable areas. Floods and earthquakes can show no mercy to any animal that takes up residence in flood- and earthquake-prone areas.

The best way to improve quality of life is to live where there is still a good quality of life. No-one is forced to live in the sprawling ugly smelly toxic dangerous city. Short of living in the Garden of Eden, in the midst of nature and tribe, we should all be living in small towns and have close ties and total trust with a good bunch of people.

---

The great liberation happens in this moment. In this moment, all things exist in their natural state. The natural state is liberation, for the natural state is the universal spirit in all its forms. The universal spirit is in every flower, bug, tree, animal, star, ocean and galaxy. In this very moment, in this very body, in this very flesh, is the great liberation, the glory of the universal spirit.

There is no inferior, there is no superior. All things are universal spirit.

---

While reorganizing the contents of the house, I came across some of my old journals and got some snapshots of how I was thinking in those days. Amazing trivial self-absorption, absurd obsessions. Old photographs confirm a conflicted wretch.

O the lessons learned so late in life. Now that I'm finally starting to catch on, I'm almost dead.

The endless moment, the endless sight gag. God really does have a sense of humor, and we can tune into its way of looking at things as it lives in us anyway. The human species is its own worst enemy, screaming monkeys falling into the abyss.

We can live with the same cool dignity and contentment possessed by other species. The delight that comes from interacting with affectionate house cats, those pure spirits, is the delight of sharing the moment with a species that can't take itself seriously, that lives completely in the moment.

---

Hearing more about a cyclist who never waves back or acknowledges hellos from other cyclists, he is said to be an interesting, intelligent person who has a lot to say about a lot of subjects, just very shy. Okay, fine. Lots of people are interesting and intelligent, and shy, and also can manage to accomplish simple communication feats such as waving or saying hi. I am a case in point. Coming from excruciating shyness and self-consciousness, I am late-blooming into a friendly old stranger who is thrilled to get a return wave from a grizzled farmer piloting a monster combine down the road as I ride my bike past him. Or from a sheriff's deputy on his lonely rounds, or from elderly cyclists, or from young cyclists, or from letter carrier....the simplest act of communication, between people, between people and animals, is what makes for a fulfilled moment. To not communicate is to not acknowledge the universal Self in all forms. How intelligent is that?

---

The natural world is where we come from, where we live, and where we return. The natural world is fair, impartial, just, real. Organisms and environment. Organisms come from environment and return to environment. Environment becomes organism and returns to environment. There is no need for opinions on the process. It just is. It has to be.

Plants in particular are wise beings, silently meeting its modest needs. Animals need little more: water, food, shelter. It so happens plants provide food and shelter, and water in good measure, to animals.

It is a little embarrassing for me to have the many contrived needs, and wants, that I have at the moment. Not content with water, food, shelter, clothing, I have gadgets galore, a treasure trove of toys, and inexhaustible sources of entertainment. I rely on much fuel and energy above and beyond food.

How much do people really need to live a well-lived life? The natural world lives nobly, simply, and by contrast shows human beings to be vain, insatiable, self-important, self-deluded fools.

By seeing as if for the first time our intimate connection with the natural world we can in this very moment be free from all the slavery and grief of materialism, and rest in perfect repose in nature's arms, our true home, our great, true, and abiding self.

---

A good self-test for determining if you're on a path with heart is if you find yourself singing. A day that starts with singing, even if only a few quiet notes, is a good day. A day that finds you singing at some point during the day or night is a day redeemed, a day well lived.

Singing is a purifier and energizer and liberator. People who do not or cannot sing, even alone, or even modulate their speaking voice to depart from a monotone, need to start walking on a path with heart and start singing before it's too late.

---

Seeing the movie "Spiderman 2" last night was very worthwhile. A truly en-couraging experience, in the literal sense of the word. We all have an Inner Superhero, which the ancients called our Genius, or Daemon. The flip-flopping between the hesitant, self-doubting, self-limited self and the assured, unlimited, courageous agent of good so well depicted in the movie resonates with any self-aware person. The true self is indeed a superhero: spontaneous, peaceful, joyful, compassionate, wise. The superpower we have is our true nature, universal life force energy, that transfigures us into the universe in human form, a being of pure spirit.

---

When I was a teenager I first noticed the existence of the aura, the visible field of energy around every thing. I continue seeing it now. The implications of this visible, palpable energy field have taken me decades to begin to understand. Everything is energy. Energy is eternal, neither created nor destroyed, only changing in form. Energy is my science, my religion, my belief, my life, my purpose. I find all meaning in energy. Energy is life, life is energy. Eternal, infinite, universal, immanent, transcendent. Energy is spirit. Call it what you will. It just is.

---

Time and time again I remember that what I really am is nothing but the universal spirit.

Time and time again I remember that the most important thing is to live in the moment. In the moment is found the presence of the universal spirit.

---

Born with nothing but our living naked bodies, and learning to accumulate things and notions until we are blinded and suffocated by them, it is a blessing to be able now and then to find refuge in the reality of the living naked body, of being a living being only, no name, no species, no identity other than that of a form of life. In the reality of our livingness is found meaning, and an understanding, that leads to freedom and immortality in this very moment. While I still live and breathe, I am aware of the blessedness of being a self-aware form of life. Self-awareness is painful until it is coupled with an honest, mature understanding. Then it becomes a total, wild, unsurpassed blessing.

---

After driving to and from vacation destinations I wonder why I had to leave home in the first place. Better to call or write or e-mail or exchange pictures than to burn petroleum and risk loss of life and limb and stress-related premature death from driving on the brutal interstate highways.

My cats fully agree with me.

Home is where I will stay, unless there is a compelling-enough reason to leave home. It'll have to be one hell of a good reason.

---

Walking to work, assailed by the banal thinking of human life and human work, I turn my attention to the vegetation that graces my daily path to work and get fully reminded to enjoy the calm radiance within, just as they do.

---

A common plant standing silent, tall and vigorous under the sun tells me more about my true nature than anything or anyone who consciously tries to tell me. So does a cat, or a dog, or a bug, or a bird, or a frog, or a rock, or the sun.

What a relief it is to have returned to nature. Nature is real. Nature is nonjudgmental. Nature is never annoying. The work at hand is to have the equanimity of nature when forced to coexist with decidedly non-equanimous people. Natural magick will, I sincerely hope, enable any equanimity I can muster to transfer to those in need of equanimity.

At rock bottom, enjoying life as a simple animal with no regrets, no apologies. When I am as real as any animal all is well.

---

As much as I advocate the mode of complete spontaneity, I also advocate the freedom to ignore impulses. This paradox originates with the insight that pure mind is perfect emptiness, containing all things within itself. All manner of forms and expressions manifest in the emptiness of the universal mind. Within the universal mind is communication, and understanding. In order to attain the subtle understanding of mind's essence, and in order to utilize the universal mind for clear communication, it's necessary to be aware of impulses, but not necessarily acting upon them. To dispassionately be aware of all that the universal mind contains, it's necessary to be above "The Fray." The Fray is, after all, the problem: discordancy, negativity, duality, alienation. The realization of nondual awareness, the essence of mind that always is, is the end of The Fray within one's awareness, and the cessation of participation in the The Fray whenever it arises in the mind, as manifested by the dualistically deluded forms and expressions of the universe.

Predator animals eating prey animals is done in innocence. Cats can't live on grasses, only on grass-eaters. Human beings at one point were innocent predators, eating meat in order to survive. All nature was in balance, and there was no reason to have qualms about eating other animals in order to survive. Warring tribes of hominids vied for survival, for territory that was required for survival, to ensure that the best genes would get passed along.

The situation has changed. The human race is surviving too well, surviving at the expense of other species and at the expense of sustainability, of quality of life.

It's too late to go back to the days of innocent warring predatory tribes of hominids. We have lost our innocence, and the luxury of being warring predators in an increasingly endangered biosphere. Our numbers are too vast, and our technology is too powerful, for us to continue warring, and to continue eating other animals.

Armageddon is already in progress. Our warlike, selfish and predatory habits will continue to diminish the quality and sustainability of our way of life.

I'm prepared to lose everything if that is what is to be. All that I have, and enjoy, now, is for now, and I will let it all go if I must when the time comes. The only possession that matters is life itself, and even so, my life is not my own, but life's life.

There is nothing as elegant as existential minimalism, down to the bare bones life force and universal identity. Self-realization is the best. When the wave knows it's the ocean, that's as good as it can possibly get.

---

To be true to oneself while attempting to live harmoniously, and closely, with other people who do not necessarily share the same habits, beliefs and values takes a certain amount of courage. For example, there is no doubt in my mind that veganism is the best way to survive, and I am now at the point where I would rather go hungry than eat animal flesh or animal products that directly contribute to the exploitation and consumption of other animals.

Human beings are animals. What right do we have, knowing what we know, as animals in a community of animals of different species, to continue with the cruel, wasteful, unhealthy exploitation and consumption of other animals who happen to be of a different species?

Sitting on our fat asses in our petroleum-slurping metal coffins, driving up to the fast-food windows and ordering chopped-up animal bodies....we are a dangerous species, our way of life revolting.

Not as a protest or statement, but as a way to restore a little self-respect, I will be only too happy to survive on grains, beans, fruits, vegetables, nuts and seeds now and forevermore. Amen.

---

This moment is all we ever have. There is no future moment, no past moment, there is only this moment. Only this moment is alive, only this moment is real, the rest are fictitious, illusory, nonexistent. There is only this moment. In this moment the eternal ocean of spirit plays.

How I am in this moment is my destiny. The presence of negative thoughts, and negative emotions, turns this moment into a moment of despair, a world of despair. The whole world is seen through a filter of despair.

In this moment is salvation. In this moment I am born, and reborn. In this moment my old life dies, and my new life begins.

All beings share this moment. All beings in this moment are alive. All beings are manifestations of the universal life, a living ocean of energy. Waves emerge on the surface of this ocean, ceaselessly; waves return to this ocean, ceaselessly. The ocean remains one, constant.

In this moment, I, a wave of this ocean of life, feel myself rising and falling among countless other waves, rising and falling. I am not just a wave, I'm the ocean taking the form of a wave. For now, I'm a wave, risen. I let go, and fall back into myself, in this moment. I am already ocean. I have always been ocean. I will always be ocean. I can't be anything but ocean.

The wave ceases to be. The ocean goes on, and on, forever.

---

Had only one opportunity to journey with Salvia while on vacation with family. Alone in the house, I submitted to seven dropperfuls of sage tincture and encountered the contents of my mind. Lots of baggage, lots of desires, lots of delusions. And, finally, reached the other shore, the true self, the wilderness of living essence within.

We do not have life, we are life. As life, I stretch, and stand, and be, filled with radiant awareness and bliss. I am life, only life.

---

One of the hardest lessons I'm learning is how to be humble. As someone cursed with unwarranted pride--passed down to me from singularly haughty, arrogant ancestors--I wrestle with pride and with condescension. The most profound journeys I have taken with the help of the teacher plant were journeys into total humility before the living truth of being.

As justified as I feel to complain, critique and pass judgment on my flawed fellow humans, as bitterly disappointed I am with the way people are, I make a conscious willful effort to remain silent, to listen, to observe, with utter dispassion. Then the thing that lives within me as me has a chance to express itself and take over once again.

My cats are lifelines. I look to them to guide me out of my wretched egoity and into the innocent delight of the moment. My cats are supreme beings, rulers of the universe, and yet they judge me not.

---

Back from a long stressful journey to visit my sister and her family, with spouse, niece and her family. I now question the wisdom of traveling bodily, risking life, limb and financial solvency. Better to stay home and live frugally. Will have to now, as we are impecunious.

The best journey is to the center of the mind. Thinking is the best way to travel. Thanks to the psychedelic lyricists for saying that.

And thanks to the screenwriter of "Repo Man" for saying "the more you drive the less intelligent you are." This is a true statement. After two days of torture on the interstates, it's clear to me we are the stupidest nation on earth.

---

I'm not very interested in what makes me unique, and I'm not very interested in what is unique about others. Emphasis on uniquenesses is a distraction from the living universal truth. The fact that we are the living universal energy, in no-two-the-same forms, is what is the most interesting aspect of all of us.

It is pure delight to be in the presence of animals, those pure spirits, authentic and spontaneous. The cool peace of plants, silently radiant, utterly pure, is a balm to the spirit. Every existence is just so. No fanfare, no fawning over uniquenesses, just alive and doing what living beings do.

We do not have chi.
We are chi.

Chi, looking through every eye, hearing through every ear, moving through every body.

---

Whatever the inner growth, the inner attainment, to be of any use it must be practical, durable, unconditional, an all-terrain vehicle capable of delivering the goods when the goods are needed.

The Occam's Razor/minimalist approach to existential well-being works quite well for me. It's an old formula, known by people all over the planet, although the formula tends to be known best by people who have either had a near-death experience or are nearing death, i.e. "very old." The formula, simply stated, is something along the lines of:

If you've got your health you've got everything.

The simple gift of life is the greatest gift of all.

Just to wake up and be alive another day is enough.

So for instance I have acquired some very fun toys, expensive too: a fancy digital camera and all the pricey accessories; a recumbent bicycle and all its pricey accessories. I'm taking these toys with me to Louisiana, where these toys may or may not survive the trip. I say this because if I become worried about theft or breakage of these toys, I'm existentially screwed. If I have no worry about loss or breakage of any Thing, I have existential well-being. With all possible due regard to the safety and well-being of all living beings, I can, when I'm in fine existential form, be free of worry about any unforeseen or unavoidable bodily loss or breakage. Having done everything possible to prevent illness, injury, and death by exercising due caution, due regard, I can enjoy the ride, with no worries.

The simple pleasures of being this thing we are, in this eternal moment, of being awake and aware of being awake and aware and alive and connected with everything, seeing the one true face in everything just as it is in this eternal moment, is the immediate gratification that is beyond compare, totally excellent existential fulfillment. Standing in this spot, cherishing the universal life spirit flowing in me, around me, in everything, loving everything that lives, I will also take pictures of this wonderful true face all around, and ride the recumbent bicycle through this thing we are.

This is eternity, this is the eternal dream of that thing we are.

Sing softly, in ecstasy, all is well.

---

The astonishing transformation that Salvia divinorum facilitates is best described, based on my many experiences with this shamanic plant, as becoming a being who is not a bundle of self-centered thoughts but rather a being of self-illuminated living energy.

The body is filled with light, with energy. Tai chi is the visible movement of this energy: slow, serene, gentle, ecstatic. Unfolding in the moment, a flower of universal spirit.

It is easy enough to have a conceptual understanding of chi, prana, life force, spirit. What is more difficult, and vitally important, is to BE chi, prana, life force, spirit. Rather than regard oneself as the lightbulb, one regards oneself as the light. This light, this energy, is eternal. The lightbulbs burn out and break. Who is seeing through these living eyes? The eyes don't see. The nerves don't see. The brain cells don't see. What sees through these eyes is chi, prana, life force, spirit, the omnipresent living energy.

Although I have had moments of self-illumination without the use of shamanic plants, it was Salvia divinorum that reminded me how vitally important is self-realization, self-illumination, being fully in communion with all beings who are all equally empowered by the same living energy, who are in fact fellow manifestations of the same living energy. There is no I, no you, no them...such terms are convenient fictions, convenient, but fictions nonetheless.

Expressing this eternal being is the eternal activity in the eternal moment.

---

Two words that I am very happy to expunge from my lexicon are 'religion' and 'spiritual.' Having been a victim of both concepts most of my adult life, I can only shout "Free at last!"

The sermon I never tire hearing is the bird singing, the icon I adore passionately is the face of the cat, the apparition of the Most High is the healthy weed standing tall, vibrant with life energy.

There is the natural world. There is no unnatural world, no supernatural world. Even the concrete- and petroleum-addicted demons that pass for human beings are animals and are part of the natural world, even though they are too stupid and selfish to know this.

And my heart sings, and is filled with the cool spring water of freedom from conceptual noise and bullshit. There is no God, praise That Thing We Are. This Thing is one, eternal, infinite, a- friggin' -men. And awomen too.

This is not about religion or spirituality. This is about reality. No need to make it precious or holy. It is what it is, and we is all it.

The animals and the plants are my mentors, my role models. Playing with them has shown me the way. I'm tempted to use the dreaded churchy nomenclature 'blessed' to describe such a one as me who is fortunate indeed to have cats and Salvia divinorum as a part of the rest of "my" life.

Universal unconditional love is what IT is all about. It is only natural for IT to love itself. It is only natural, not sacred, not holy, not divine. Get it? Got it? Good!

---

If by contemplating one becomes a "contemplative" so be it. The quiet contemplative sees, hears, reflects, understands, in the privacy of awareness.

How sweet an irony that this same private awareness is in fact universal awareness, as ubiquitous as water. Yet it is so.

The insights, intuitions and understandings that flashed so dazzlingly in my mind many years ago are still as dazzling as ever. How it is that people are so full of desires, restless, never satisfied, unappreciative and unaware of the stunning reality of the presence of the life spirit within them as them.

Although my toys are exquisite, they will break, or be stolen, or lose their novelty. I will use them and enjoy them, and I will pay the price of living a complicated, expense-filled life, knowing that in this moment the life spirit always abides. The life spirit is what I was born to realize, for my own self-realization and for the sake of others who yearn to find this greatest gift of all.

---

Although the culmination of my understanding is ineffable, what can be expressed in full measure is the love and reality of that thing we are. Just be it, let it express itself, let it love itself in every form.

---

Our identity is our fate. What, or who, we think we are makes all the difference. To want to know the real self with utmost sincerity and passion is essential if one wants to stop pretending and know who really lives and dies as this body.

A baby bird fell out of the nest in the carport roof, landing on concrete and utterly helpless and possibly crippled from the fall. With great sadness I scooped up the trembling being and set him in the cool grass in the backyard preserve. I didn't know how to care for him, or if he was to survive its fall at all, and so with a troubled heart I set him out to die. Checking on him later that day, he was slightly trembling and otherwise motionless, and flies had begun to descend upon him. To be part of this ill-fated bird's last hours has been very upsetting. The helplessness, the innocence. It was I who was set out to die in such a way.

And now the baby bird has disappeared, perhaps consumed by a predator. Now the sightless fledgling has keen eyes and lithe strong body.

---

Life is sacred, precious, of the ultimate value. The life spirit in every form is to be loved, honored, respected. That there is so much disrespect for life, the life in one's own body and the life in others' bodies, is the disgrace of the human race in this age.

The kind, gentle religious who refuse to kill for any reason, who condemn killing for any reason, are not cowards. They are on to the Great Secret which is only a secret to those who don't value life: that the life within us is in fact divinity. The eternal, universal, holy spirit.

---

Just one semi-fresh Salvia leaf, chewed, and the morning blossomed into blissful biophilia. How desperate and miserable my mind had been making me, worrying, fretting over this and that, such a complicated life.

Now there is only the beauty of this moment, this life, this life within us.

---

It takes great effort and pure intent to open the eye of the spirit. Once opened, it can be reopened at will. When it's opened, it sees nothing but eternal spirit in all forms, including its own of course.

"Relax, and be God." --Lady Salvia

---

What an existential difference, nay, a spiritual difference, a day makes!

Circumstances have made it about impossible to have a rousing Salvia session for quite some time, and so I'm confirming the fact that the highest insight facilitated by Salvia can be experienced without Salvia.

Buddha-nature just is. It's what I am, what everything is. Energy, spirit, the same old stuff that's been around forever and will always be around forever. To know this is what I am is wonderful. It just is. This would be the end of the line if it weren't for the fact that there are human beings who do not have insight into their Buddha-nature, and are full of misery and givers of misery.

Having had a pretty miserable Monday I am loaded with compassion for the miserable. Actually, so much of my life has been full of misery, I am qualified to speak about misery, especially since I have experienced the way out of my own misery.

It occurs to me that people should give themselves, and each other, a LOT more room to breathe, a LOT more space, solitude, plenty of time to just be. In these spaces of decompression, relaxation, re-creation, re-invention, the all-important insights are cultivated. Long walks alone: how many people avail themselves even of those? Yet that's when the insights come, not when another miserable human is sucking the spiritual well-being out of them.

Spending time in the tiny little house of a relative, in a crowded neighborhood of tiny little houses, filled with children, blaring televisions, dysfunctional adults...a distracted cluttered life at home, and perhaps at work and at school, too, alas...

Heaven is insight into what one really is. Hell is the lack of such insight and pretending to be a substitute self that is as false as it is unfulfilled, and unfulfilling.

---

This Monday feels like one big ball and chain, from home to work to existence itself.

In quiet desperation called upon the part of me that knows better, for strength, for support, for hope. Just as there have been those wonderful moments of spiritual freedom, deep awareness of that eternal thing living in me as me, so I call upon that thing to be me, as me is ready to run away and join the circus, such is my spiritual desperation.

Part of the predicament is the old getting-and-spending, the wanting of things that cost money I don't have, and don't care to have to work incessantly to pay for.

When I was single, and owned very few things, I was neither in debt nor in indentured servitude. Now that I am married, and have accumulated possessions and concomitant debts in collusion with my spouse, I'm living the no-so-good life of the typical American who has more stuff than sense, more debt than security.

The irony is, I've learned exquisitely well the art of living without desire, of living without wanting things. I would welcome wholesale foreclosure and repossession of everything I own, or should I say, everything that owns me. It would be painful for my spouse, but sweet liberation for me.

If I'm condemned to have this accumulated stuff for the rest of my days, at least I know how to create those moments of existential freedom, sometimes with the help of Salvia, sometimes with the help of desperation.

---

Sage tincture last night worked extremely well. In the afterglow came slow tai-chi like movement, singing and chanting, and wonderful clarity of insight, total purification. In essence, I was reminded how all of us are beautiful flowers, or flowerings, of the eternal spirit. Some know it, some don't. If you know it, show it, grow--cultivate--it, share it, be it. At this point just the daily life, and meditation, would be just fine to cultivate this understanding. It's eternal life living every life, everyday life, every day.

It continues to astonish me how Salvia divinorum has such great specificity in enhancing awareness of the living presence of the eternal spirit within the body.

---

The phobia about public speaking, stage fright, alienation in general all come from the same source: a misunderstanding of who's looking through all those staring eyeballs, listening through all those fleshy ears. Or more precisely, who is NOT looking and listening.

The separate self is a fiction. There is only awarenessness. It is not someone who has awareness, there's no-one there. It's just awareness. This awareness is universally distributed.

I can do anything in the presence of a cat or other animal and not experience fear, shame or embarrassment. With the monkey called human, full of busy thoughts, opinions, prejudices, I must be careful what I say and what I do, lest I offend said monkey, even though there really is no-one to be offended. Awareness is transparent, silent, perfect emptiness containing all things. Awaresness can't be offended. Awareness does not judge. Awareness just is.

---

The animal wisdom within is to be heeded. Thinking causes great suffering, thoughts unreal and causing flesh much distress. This wisdom is found in meditation, in entheogenesis, in erogenesis. Surrendering to the divine animal within brings about sustainable peace, health and harmony.

Look to plants and animals and the natural world for sanity, for truth, for freedom, for peace.

---

After a day filled with difficulties, frustrations, even outrage and anger, I was in need of healing. Sage tincture and honey provided a glimpse of unconditioned, carefree, innocent being. This is always within, to be expressed. I'm so grateful that my life is not such a train wreck that I can't get a healing glimpse when I most need one.

Looking at people as flesh that is under the thrall of habit-impulses and habit-thoughts imparted from the outside, from family, from others. Impulses conducted from flesh to flesh.

Without the conditioned thinking, flesh is innocence, flesh is carefree, flesh is unconditioned, free. Precious flowers of life on two legs.

---

Sleepless early morning, loveless worrying. Finally got back to sleep a bit, had a dream, a shapeshifter appearing, sometimes a man, sometimes a tiger. Lots of strength in being a tiger. Been sleeping with four cats.

What is the purpose of anything, life, universe, atoms, energy, galaxies...a strong case could be made for love being the universal purpose. The love of the universe for itself.

---

Part of existential fulfillment is having the luxury of an unencumbered attention. Directing this liberated attention to others, it's natural to establish contact with the other's attention. Every sentient being has awareness, and wants to know what kind of attention is going to be paid to it. Attention can be self-serving/malevolent, or benevolent, or weak, depending on intention. It is my experience that the biggest waste of attention these days comes in the form of weak attention, or inattention, to others. This is a mass attention-deficit disorder which is in large part due to the alienation of our way of life, dominated by automobiles, television, and other devices that insulate people from each other.

I had a dream yesterday morning where a disfigured woman was ecstatic that I was even paying attention to her. I was acutely aware of her awareness, and how hungry she was just to be recognized as a human being.

Such dreams linger.

I will do what I can to establish communication with whomever or whatever I'm with, be it man or beast. Eye contact and conversation for some, eye contact and loving touch for others. Every sentient being craves communion with other sentient beings, and to know that the other can be trusted implicitly.

First attention, then trust, then peace, then compassion.

---

Existential fulfillment is found in the present. Self-realization is also found in the present. Self-realization is existential fulfillment of the highest order, enjoyment of the highest good. Everyone is the same stuff. Everyone has the potential to enjoy self-realization, existential fulfillment.

Because self-realization is a state of being unconditioned, of nonattachment, it is unavailable to those who are still unwilling to let go of whatever they're attached to, of whatever they're conditioned to believe.

Entheogens such as Salvia divinorum provide a glimpse of unconditioned being. In order to be in this state of being naturally, the individual must be willing to transcend conditioning and attachments.

---

And THIS moment...entheogenic moment. Who is living this life, moving through this life, being this life but life itself, the lifeforce. When the lifeforce takes over, all is well. And it has taken over, and all is well. Lifeforce straightening this spine, loosening the tight muscles, resuming clear mind and good posture, taking care of business as it arises. To be possessed by the greatest, truest spirit in the universe, the life spirit itself, nothing less, is wonderful.

And it took a long time and a lot of work to get to this point of surrender. Islam: surrender to lifeforce, to the Spirit. Let the Spirit take over, see through these eyes, hear through these ears, move through this body, speak through this mouth. I am lifeforce, and I can type too.

Oh it is still me, but not the me that has a name. The name is a convenience, not an identity.

---

The exquisite moment, which is always this moment whether I am aware of it or not, happens when I let go and let the mind and being simply be what it is. In that magic moment mind and being is realized as being fundamentally pure, real, awesome, miraculous, and that my life was heretofore a mess of distractions and desires, blinding me to the direct experience of mind and being.

How wonderful it is. To realize this, in this moment, whenever I want it, is my secret delight, the esoteric enjoyment of the living truth.

No more pretenses. Letting go, what is, remains.

---

If it wasn't for the fact that I have known despair so well I would not have sought a deeper understanding. At the moment I am aware of a deep despair within me.

A short, fitful sleep, unceasing worry, not so much about my life but about the lives of my fellow humans. The pretenses that make up modern life sometimes make me absolutely nauseous. These pretenses are, in the end, going to lead to the ruination of our civilization, as they have brought about an unsustainable way of life.

If I was religious I would pray right now. Being a pantheist and nondualist I am unable to pray. Instead, I go into the silence of the ground of being, whence cometh my strength.

As always, the cats have all the answers. They know when I'm into the blackness and need rescued. They practice the laying on of paws, purr-sighs, ear-licks, until I remember that I am one of them, an animal among animals.

That there is a plant which can quiet my thoughts while opening my mind and purifying my heart also gives me hope. Thank you, Salvia. You bring me back to life, you bring me back to love, you bring me back to reality.

---

Spring has really begun. Life is stirring all around. People surely must feel this stirring, within themselves, to some degree. I surely do feel life stirring within this body. How to handle this influx, this awakening, of life energy is a perennial problem, for this body, and perhaps for others too. Handling the energy of the universe is an eternal problem for beings such as us.

There are times when the energy is overwhelming, and all I can do is be but a passive conduit and let it flow as it will.

I dare not interfere with this energy especially when it's running high. My protection, my refuge, my salvation, is the equanimous nonattachment of nonduality, the bliss of sat-chit-ananda.

---

Been hearing the music that I play and sing along with. A grand coming-home music. On guitar I play the chords CMaj, then emin, then AMaj. ABC...down to...B...down to..A........ Resolving, dissolving into the all-enveloping AUM.

Starting from childhood certain passages of music heard in the mind's ear evoked a deep feeling of beauty and longing and joy, the spine tingling, gooseflesh, and tears. Still getting all this. Head feels very full of something very good and powerful, flowing through my body.

"Every time I
Feel the spirit
Moving in my heart
I will pray"

---

Nothing has changed, everything has changed. From the armchair traveling with Upanishads and pipe in my youth, to the sudden stunning realizations while walking past Finney Chapel on the way to or from work, to stabilizing deepening clarifying awareness of universal awareness, universal flesh, universal spirit moment after moment after moment, moments coming closer together, more frequent, until the persistence of Vision occurs...

Spring fever is the inebriation of life force. Have suffered from it all my life. Now in terminal stage. Will not fight it anymore. Will now accept it as part of me. Will now accept everything--EVERYTHING--as part of me.

To clarify: there is no me, there is only everything. Again, it's the wave atop the ocean realizing it's the ocean. I'm this wave, and I'm the ocean, right now ocean is this wave among many waves.

---

Another trial of contact lenses reminded me why I prefer eyeglasses. I see the outer forms of things with extraordinary clarity with contact lenses, but I can't see the energy field around them quite as easily.

It gets back to the reservations I have about sensory attachments. Entertainment, sensory attachments, distractions, diversions, from the fundamental crucial condition, which is awareness of awareness, experience of experiencer. Who is seeing? Who is listening? So I find myself listening to listening, observing observation, observing the observer, listening to the listener.

I live and work among "iPod People"--those who are in their own little world, headphones on, vision averted from the here and now. Entertainment, pretty sounds, watching dancing colors on screens, someone else's pretend life being played out.

Each day that I'm still alive, I cherish the living flame within, the immaculate transparent mind that contains everything. My mission is to love everyone and everything that appears in this immaculate transparent mind. Any entertainment pales to this life, this mind, this love. Existential bliss is a cheap date.

---

On this April full moon after a sleepless night I was still able to sing and play the old six-string guitar for a few minutes this morning and get to the headspace that serves me well. I'm still alive, it's a new day, and that thing I am is still what it is and living this life as "me." Heh heh heh. This living flame, this universal mind/flesh/spirit, this real being in this form. Wow. Wow. 's all I can say. Mightily grateful. Wow.

---

The universe is amoral and nonjudgmental. The universe, while it's alive and conscious, has neither self nor concept of self. There's cause and effect, and that's it. Pieces of the universe self-deluded into thinking they have a self take themselves, their nonexistent selves, deadly seriously, which is a hoot.

To not be troubled by deities or discarnate entities is a great relief. The living are the deities and entities, according to how they regard themselves. The dead are blessedly without the burden of self, at one with the universe, the eternal ocean of infinite energy. I'm already dead, and simply going through the motions of this absurd life in this absurd culture.

This life is truly nothing but a dream now. Shakespeare had it right, the stage goes on, the players enter and exit it forever. I would spend my remaining days on this stage in perpetual revelry if not for an enormous mortgage and other debts and expenses that I must attempt to meet in good faith. In lieu of outright drunken revelry, I will cultivate the sense of humor I once had as a child, laughing often, often to the point of getting intractable hiccups, helplessly amused with the help of like-minded public school chums.

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The #1 most subversive force in this society is unconditional love. While Caesar's minions continue to support violence as the norm for entertainment, political decisionmaking, chronic social mindset, meting out justice, etc. there are those people who will simply love everyone, regardless of politics, belief, behavior, species of the beloved.

The lack of respect for each other and for life itself is the abomination of any age, including this one. All ages are contained in the present. Someone must create a new age, if only in the way one life is lived, if only in how one life expresses itself. The essence of the new 'Aquarian Age' is love, sweet, simple, unconditional love for all beings.

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Soon April, the month of noteworthy anniversaries. A year ago April 10 my brother was unplugged from life support machines after a horrific finale to his terminal cancer. Four years ago April 24 I received a box of dried Oaxacan Salvia divinorum leaves in the mail, shipped first class from Hawaii.

I wish my brother had tried Salvia. He knew Cannabis well enough, and he had found enough perennial philosophy to have a Sanskrit symbol for OM tattooed on his forearm. As a transcendental musician this was a perfect symbol for him. Now he is part of the ceaseless OM. He is the music from which he came.

Now to honor my ancestors who have gone before me, my parents, my grandparents, my brother, my uncles and aunts, and now my cousins. Losing one first cousin, and my cousins having lost two now, including my brother, time is very dear now more than ever.

How then to live in such a way that time is not wasted, yet not clung to?

I have to work to pay the bills and repay the debts, and toil alone in a windowless office for many hours. Is this not always the eternal now, the endless moment, even while I write out invoices?

I'm very fortunate to have work that does not dehumanize me or my co-workers. I'm barely surviving financially, but at least I have neither forsaken nor sold my soul in order to earn money.

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Sitting in the Growing Room this morning, playing the guitar and singing, my preferred way of meditating and praying. What I sing/pray for is peace of mind, for starters. The mind is always immaculate, perfect, pure, transparent. Therein is found lasting peace of mind, for this mind is always with me, with everyone. Then, I sing/pray for love for everything that appears in this immaculate, perfect, pure, transparent mind. Peace and love. No matter what's going on, or what has already happened, it is possible to find peace and love within, to generate peace and love. Wisdom is finding the source of peace and love within.

On this very wet rainy Tuesday March 30, 2004, a long day to be spent in dreary institutional settings, eating three small leaves of Salvia's bounty as part of a good breakfast this morning has already proven to be therapeutic, after initial profuse sweating and acute besagement period. I'm sitting straight, and am focused and infused with positive vigor of nature's life. There is no dreariness in this mind.

Blessed are they who have found the pure mind and the pure heart and the pure love. And good posture.

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The cats are such pure spirits, beautiful beings. I see them for what they are, beautiful rainbow beings, innocent, delightful, absolutely authentic. They are perfect expressions of the universal spirit, all fur and whiskers and sparkling eyes. To spend whatever time I can with them is time well spent, therapeutic, all of us melting into a puddle of pure animal delight.

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Riding a bicycle far, far into the countryside is another way to regain that often elusive sense of freedom. Mile after mile under the open sky, rolling along, feeling the forces of gravity, wind, sun, there is freedom, discovery, joy to be had.

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It's amazing how aging changes priorities. The gut-felt imperative is Do It Now. Wanna be what you wanna be, wanna be how you wanna be, wanna do what you wanna do? Do It Now. There may be no tomorrow, but there is, evidently, today, so let's work with what we've got.

Those simple pleasures: goofy affectionate cats, wild birds singing, spring peepers at night, riding a bike to nowhere in particular, new growth coming up from the ground, friendly conversations, laughter and laughable things, giving and receiving love, making music, putting words together.

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The wild strawberries growing on the side of the cliff on which one is hanging for dear life, pursued by hungry tigers above and below, get more delicious with each passing year. Like so many things that seem extravagant to the merely practical person, there is something very death-defying in sitting down and making music or writing poetry just because it's fun, and rewarding. In the midst of the suffering, ugliness, and uncertainty of this brief life on this planet, there is music, there is poetry, a world of beauty to bring forth. It's as life-sustaining to make music and write poetry as it is to breathe and eat. Nevermind the brutality, injustice, poverty and all sorts of troubles and ills that beset our species: SOMEone has to be joyful. SOMEone has to make beautiful music. SOMEone has to offer up the finest deepest yearnings of his heart to the heart of hearts. To live a life of beauty, tranquility, simplicity in the midst of ugliness, agitation and complication is not such a bad thing.

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The spring of this year in eternity given the graceless arbitrary name of 2004 is at hand, and none too soon. I have enjoyed the company of living flesh in the form of friends, relatives, spouse, cats, indoor plants lo these many cold, dark months, and honor the radiant universal spirit within them all. Now I'm ready to wander through field and forest under the sun and sky, in the company of wild, timeless life in its infinite variety. In nature there is purity, and purification to be had. In the perfect peace of the forest cathedral I conspire with my wild brothers and sisters to take over the earth and envelop it with goodness and greenness.

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As ludicrous it is for the universe to be playing the "getting and spending" game as played through monkey society, as totally dreary such a game can be, there exists also the possibility of living a life as the universe incarnate, which is what we are in fact. Such a free, wide, magnanimous life is attainable by anyone, although few manage to attain it, attached as most are to things and experiences. Just to be is enough for us the lucky ones who know we are all the universe incarnate. Even without a pot to piss in, we can afford to be generous, knowing what we know, being what we are, being how we are. We are awake in the Forever Moment, and are fully present in the present, alert to the presence of the universal spirit in all its forms. When there is even the most casual exchange of greetings, or meeting of eyes, or barest touch, the universe recognizes and loves itself.

The rest of my life is dedicated to helping the universe recognize and love itself, helping individuals realize they are the universe incarna