“Jennifer M”

    Jennifer is a twenty-year-old meteorologist, working in Mississippi.  She is engaged to her thirty-six-year old co-worker, Veronica.  When Jennifer began the relationship, Veronica was separated from her husband.  Veronica has a seven-year-old child from that marriage.  Jennifer and Veronica have recently decided to experience parenthood together by way of artificial insemination.

Q.  How are you preparing for your transition to parenthood?  Are you doing anything specific to prepare yourself psychologically and emotionally? Do you plan to attend Lamaze classes or parenting classes? Why or why not?

A.  My transition to parenthood is going to be much like anyone's I guess...now I have to take on the responsibility of another human being. I have been reading some publications trying to prepare myself for the birth and her pregnancy. We are planning to attend a child birthing class, I think it is very important that both parents are on the same page when it comes to
that magical time.  It seems you can never really be too prepared for this. The class was offered to us through her OB/GYN clinic.

Q.  Are you and your girlfriend doing anything to prepare her son for the transition? How are you going about this?

A.  We told her son not too long ago that Mama had a baby growing inside her. He is really excited and wants it to come out now. But he did ask the dreaded question, how?  We said the doctor helped Mama get sperm to her egg. This went into like 15 minute discussion but he is 7 and it is going to be a while until he fully understands.

Q.  In your relationship with your girlfriend do you both have equal status and roles in the home and with the children? Is one person more of a disciplinarian and the other more of a homemaker? Give examples if you can. Are these roles (parenting roles or roles that you take on around the house) ever confusing or do they cause issues within your relationship with your girlfriend?

A.    In our relationship our roles are pretty flexible.  I wouldn't say we have titles for them or anything.  If you are looking for examples:  I almost always drive the car no matter where we are going,  we both clean the house, she usually does the laundry, we both do the yard work, and she always does the bills.  So I don't know we are both pretty even!  We both discipline her
son as well.  I have only been a part of his life for about 8 months now, so I am still trying to figure out where I fit.  Sometimes our views are different about him but we always talk it out.  That is the best part about our relationship, we don't hide our opinions, we share them with each other and discuss them.  My views about children are more strict then hers, so that
can be an issue sometimes.

Q.  Will one of you take on the role of Mom more so than the other with the
new baby? Have you decided what the baby will call each of you?
Do you think you will feel less connected to the child because you did
not contribute to his/her conception biologically? Why or why not?

A. We have decided that the baby will call her Mama and me Mommy.  We researched that on the internet...I think that the roles we will play will be somewhat different.  Maybe I will play a little more of the dad side, I don't know yet.  I think that both of our roles will equally have a positive affect on the child's life.  I know that I did have a part in creating this child. I had a big part in choosing this donor and I know that she wouldn't have chosen the one that we finally ended up with if I weren't in the picture.

Q.   What was your experience in creating this child? What was the process and how did you feel about it emotionally?

A.  I am very thankful that I was with her from A-Z.  We picked the donor together and I was with her when she actually got inseminated.  I was sitting beside her holding her hand, it was a moment that I will never forget. Emotionally, it was all very overwhelming.  After it was over and we were driving home, it seemed like a reality check.  It was so distant until that
point.  The next two weeks nearly drove us mad.  We were constantly wondering if it worked.  The average artificial insemination conception takes 10 tries...but we hit on the first try.  When she came home and told me it was positive it was so surreal.

Q.  How did you and your girlfriend meet? What are some strengths in your relationship? Also, how did you two decide to have a child?

A.   A little about our background:  We met at work and were friends for a few months before anything physical happened.  She was married which made it very difficult for me to pursue anything.  But as I grew to know her, I knew her marriage had been troubled for some time.  The next few months were very stressful, a lot of ups and downs.  She told her husband and they soon
divorced.  I moved in to her house and her I am now.  We have been together now for 6 months and I have asked her to marry me.  She happily accepted and now we are moving forward from here.Our strengths are:  I really feel like we compliment each other.  We are very open and communicative.  We are both moving in the same direction.  She really supports me, no matter what I do I know she will always be right there beside me.

    Child Decision:  Well Val had already been going to the fertility clinic when I came into the picture.  And she wanted to know would I want to have a child with her, and I thought about everything, from poopy diapers to the day he/she left for college.  I know that I am ready for that.  So we went on with it all.

Q.    Is there anything you wish you could change about how people perceive your family and your method of conceiving this new baby? Are you experiencing any disapproval from family members or friends?

A.    My family is pretty neutral.  I don't think that anyone is too excited but I haven't been criticized either.  Her family has been really supportive. Her mother doesn't know about me or the baby yet.  If I could tell people something... I hope that people who think gay/lesbian families are wrong are able to see that sexual preference doesn't matter.  If the child is brought up with love then the child will be raised correctly.
 
 
 

Interview covering the United States Transition into Parenthood, as seen through the eyes of Kathryn Barron, a 25 year- old mother of two, who is going to give birth to her third child. She previously had to take on both the mother and father role as a single mother with her first child. She is now married to her husband, Chad, and they are about to have their second child together.

Q.  What do you think helped you, personally, to gain feedback into how to be a parent? Did you attend parental education classes, home economics class that might have taught you about this role of becoming a parent, Planned Parenthood, did you read any resource books, etc.?

A.   My mom helped me.  We have a large family.  I listened to her advice.  She told me of the different changes I might experience.  But I think hands on experience helped my parenting the most. I read different parenting magazines.  I also had health class, early childhood education class, anatomy, sociology, and psychology classes.  They all tie into human behavior and development.  I surfed the net for different information too (healthnetwork.com). Each child is different.  They have different demands and needs.  You need to listen and observe, to understand your own child.  That is why I think your own experience is the best resource for learning parenting.

Q.  What type of medical care do you feel is necessary to acquire in order to insure your health as well as the health of the baby? (i.e. prenatal care, postnatal care)

A.    The medical care that I think is important is a yearly comprehensive gynecology exam.  This ensures you that you are clear of ovarian cysts or cancer. It also checks that everything is in balance and properly working. If you are trying to become pregnant you should tell your doctor. He suggests that you should start on prenatal vitamins, even while you are trying to get pregnant because it reduces the chance of certain birth defects.

Q.  Have you ever attended preconception counseling and if so what did you learn, or what topics did they cover?

A.   No

Q.   Did you and Chad (her husband) discuss the division of labor (who would assume what role, i.e. financial, care-taking, housework before Daylon [second child] arrived)? If you did how did it turn out? If not, how do you believe that discussion on this topic might have helped in creating less stress placed on one individual or another?

A.  Yes, we discussed what would be the best for our children. We decided that I should quit my job and take care of the children. We thought it was important for at least one of us to be at home for our children. We did not want to send them off to daycare to be raised by strangers. I took the role of doing the housework and caring for the children. While, my husband would work and support us financially. It turned out great. I believe that being home with them gave me the opportunity to provide a stable and loving home. It let me be the one to educate and recognize their milestones. I think that is the way it should be. Sometimes the world doesn’t let that happen but I would try to stay home as long as I could for my children.
 

Q.   How did your social status change after becoming a parent? Did you enjoy the change, why or why not? Do you think there is a change in social status for pregnant women? How do you think it differs from men's status?

A.   My social status changed dramatically. I was a carefree girl. I had little if no real responsibility. My major concern was myself. When I became a mother my life had a bigger meaning. My respect for my mother extremely increased. This was the hardest but most rewarding job I would ever have.

Q.   What birthing process did you use, (i.e., Lamaze, Bradley method, Grantly –Dick Read)? Did you know there was different methods available other than Lamaze? Why did you choose the one you did?

A.   I did not use a birthing process. I just listened to the doctor. When he said push -- I pushed. I focused in my mind that it would be over soon. I think that is what got me through it.
 
 

 Sara is a twenty-two year old single mother.  She separated from her husband a year ago.  Since leaving him she has spent nine hours a day at work to support herself and her eighteen-month-old son, Isaac.  While she works, Isaac plays out most of his waking hours at a daycare.  She worries what her circumstance predicts about her sons future as she struggles to make ends meet.  Her life is stress.

Q.  What was your initial reaction to finding out you were pregnant?

A.   I was scared.  I was scared because we did not have a lot of money and we really weren’t financially stable.  I knew that the little amount of money that we had saved up would be gone by the time I had the baby.  After the initial shock wore off I started thinking of the weight that I was going to gain.  It bothered me.  I felt like I wasn’t going to fit in with my friends.  I was the first to get married and now I was going to be the first to have a kid.  I felt like I was losing my youth for the second time.  But I was excited too.  Me and my husband, we were going to bring a baby into this world.  I was in love with and him and we had made a person half and half.

Q.  When did you stop being so scared?

A.   I’m not sure I ever did.  I stopped worrying so much about my weight half way through my pregnancy.  Once I started to look pregnant and people could look at me and know that I was going to have a baby I felt a lot more comfortable.  I was very conscious of my appearance and worried that I would leave the house and people would think that I was just an overweight person.

Q.  What did you do to prepare yourself for your child?

A.    I read the book “What to Expect When You are Expecting.”  I read that because I thought that it was what every pregnant woman was supposed to read.  My doctors used to send my all kinds of magazines for pregnant women and I loved to read those.  I tried to learn as much as I could.  I took every class the military had to offer, labor and delivery, breathing, breastfeeding, I took a tour of the hospital and had each step of the delivery process explained to me.  After reading all those magazines and books I had good idea of what we were going to need.  I made a careful list of everything that we were going to need and what I didn’t get at the shower we bought ourselves.  We had a small, one bedroom apartment that I rearranged too and made room for the baby.

Q.  How did your role as wife change when you were pregnant?

A.    Before I got pregnant I had a really busy life.  I would wake up and go to work all day and go to school at night.  I would leave our apartment at eight o’clock in the morning and not get back until after nine o’clock that night.  When I got pregnant that changed.  Even though I had a pretty unsupportive husband, we decided that I could quit my job.  I kept a cleaner house and exercised more, but my main job was getting ready to have a baby.  I became a housewife, I cleaned and cooked dinner.

Q.    How did your role as wife change after you had the baby?

A.     After Isaac was born we both felt exhausted.  The baby would wake up every three hours day and night and I would be up with him.  Jason (her husband) worked ten hours a day, sometimes more and would come home and go right to sleep.  Jason started feeling like he had to compete with the baby for my attention.  But I couldn’t be the kind of mom I wanted to be and the kind of wife he wanted me to be at the same time.  Our goals as a couple changed.  You know, when I was pregnant I used to worry that the baby would distract Jason’s affection away from me.  I never thought that the exact opposite would happen.

Q.     Compare the stresses of motherhood when you were married and now that you are separated.

 A.   I had very little motherly stress when I was married.  I learned from all those books that I read while I was still pregnant how to get your baby on a good sleep schedule.  I had Isaac on a very predictable routine and really all he did was sleep and eat.  I had no job related stress, but I also had no contact with the outside world.  We couldn’t afford long distance, so I would pray and wait for my family to call.  I felt lonely just sitting in that apartment all day waiting to see my husband who came home tired after working all day.  I was also upset over the way my body looked.  I felt inadequate compared to other women.  Here I was, twenty-one years old with stretch marks.  The bodily changes really affected me.  Now that I’m separated my stress is paying bills and not having enough contact with my kid.  I went from being around my son all day everyday for four months straight to seeing him for a couple of hours a night before I put him to bed.  My stress is not having enough money to pay for my life.  And it’s not like I live an extravagant life.  I try to balance a social life, but really how can I when I already don’t spend enough time with Isaac.  I have all these responsibilities and I feel like I’m doing everything half-assed because I just don’t have enough time for anything else.

Q.    Do you feel people react to you different because you are a young, single mother?

A.    Absolutely, especially now that I’m back home people really look down on me.  When I lived in Jacksonville (Jacksonville, North Carolina, where she lived with her husband) no one looked twice at a young mom.  Everyone there was pregnant and going through a rocky marriage.  Now that I’m back home in the suburbs of Richmond people aren’t nearly as accepting.  Around here you are supposed to raise children within the context of a family.  Single mothers are definitely discriminated against.  People look at me and think, “She married a loser.”  I have had people openly question me when I tell them that I too have a son.  They get very defensive and demand, “Where the hell is your husband!?!”  It’s not just strangers either.  My mom was watching Isaac for me one night when I ran into a girl that I had not seen since high school.  We talked for a few minutes and the next time I saw her I had him with me.  I heard her has my roommate if the baby was mine.  Since then that same girl will not even make eye contact with me.  People think I did something wrong.

Q.   What would you have done differently?

A.   Probably nothing.  I mean what could I have done differently?  My husband cheated on me and I was forced to move home and get a job.  Everything I have done, I did because I had to.  My life is one of necessity.  Maybe I would have pressed Jason on the child support that he promised to pay in the separation agreement.  But at the time I was completely heartbroken and didn’t have it in me to fight with him over money.

Q.   How has your family helped you?

A.   When I first moved back to Richmond my mom gave me a place to stay.  She has helped out, babysitting when I needed a night off.  My sisters have giving me none.  I only have one friend who has been there for me throughout it all.

Q.   What is the most rewarding aspect of raising Isaac on your own?

A.    The bond we have is so tight and I don’t have to share that with anyone.  I can tell he knows that I’m the one busting my butt out there everyday for us.  He loves me.  Even after a long night with him when I had to get that butt, he still wakes up in the morning with that big toothy smile excited to see mommy.  I get to watch him learn things.  Seeing something that came out of me, something that is a part of me learned to walk, isn’t that amazing?  The best part is watching him sleep.  I’ll go into his room and look at those fat little legs curled up to his chest and his little mouth drooling, he is so angelic.  I wouldn’t trade this for the world.
 
 

Asha Leong

Asha is 24 years-old and is a Youth Pride Officer in the Atlanta area. She is a program manager who works specifically with women and young people and she also trains for the Youth Pride Organization. I was referred to her by Wendy Darling who also works in the Atlanta area. Asha has three moms and one father.

Q.  How did the previous parent situation happen?

A.    My mother and father got separated when I was 16 and the divorce went through when I was 21. At the time of the separation, my mother was going through a difficult time with her sexuality.

Q.  How open was your mom about her sexuality?

A.  She was fairly open in the sense that we talked but she was hiding alot from herself.

Q.  How did you react to your mom coming out and her new partner?

A.   I was relieved because first once the divorce was final because of the struggle and meeting her new partner was okay.

Q.  How did the situation make you feel?

A.    It was a big adjustment because I am straight so my mom's coming out was different. it is different becuase of getting used to everytime that she might bring a woman home. It was unique.

    Asha is lucky that she was much older when dealing with her mother's coming out but it is still situation that takes getting used to and learning to accept.