The purpose of this paper is to offer strategies, which parents can refer to when addressing the concerns that may arise during the ongoing process of instilling values within their adolescent children. Linda and Richard Eyre, in their book, “Teaching Your Children Values”, define a value as that which “produces behavior that is beneficial both to the practitioner and to those on whom it is practiced” (Eyre, 1993). Within this definition, one sees that it is imperative for an individual to have acquired a solid set of values, with which, that person can refer to when making decisions, be they slight or life altering. The questions then arise, as to when children start forming their core sets of values and who is responsible for teaching them right from wrong. The task of teaching children values falls directly upon the shoulders of parents. The obvious dilemma which parents face everyday is how does one go about teaching a set of values upon which the child can refer back to when faced with a dilemma. Although there are a myriad of values the parents must be concerned with, due to the complexity of this issue, we will only be discussing the two values pertaining to sexuality and consumerism. Historical Evolution of Values Within Western Society
An early example of this degradation towards hedonism can be found in the excessive artificiality of the 19th Century Victorian times (Spock, 1994). For it was during this time, that people were obsessed with being “overly proper”; as seen by the values of being repressive towards sexuality, the denial of negative emotions and the emphasis upon personal vanity being paramount within the social clime at this particular juncture in our history. It is worth noting that researchers of today look at various aspects of our current culture as being rebellious against the “pomposity and stuffiness” found within these Victorian times (Spock, 1994). The slow progression from community to individual desires can be seen as reaching epidemic proportions starting in the 1960’s; a time of rebellions and the emergence of pop psychology (Hewlitt, 1998). It was a result of the phenomena known as “permissive parenting” of the 1960’s that led to a generation with the highest incidences of drug abuse, family instability and suicide (Eyre, 1993). The flaw within this type of parenting was its basic underlying principle that urged “avoiding the teaching of moral values until children are ‘old enough to choose their own value system.’” (Eyre, 1993). One can look upon allowing children to choose their own sets of values, during this time of social and political upheaval, as being analogous to trying to fly a kite in the midst of a hurricane. Two Common Challenges Facing Modern Parents
Parental Role In Teaching Values To Children
Perhaps, the best summary, as to the role of parents in the education of their children and values, can be found in the article, “Guidelines for Nurturing Culturally Healthy Youth”. Within this article, the role of the parents is summarized as follows, “Parents are the first teachers of their children and provide the foundation on which the social, emotional, intellectual and spiritual well-being of future generations rests.” (ERIC, 2001). It is no wonder why parents, being faced with their importance regarding the education of values to their children, find this task to be daunting. Before the parent can start teaching the child about values, the parent should undergo a period of self-evaluation. In order to articulate the values that the parent wants the child to exhibit, it is essential for the parent to understand his/her own values and be able to present them in a consistent fashion. For it will be in sending conflicting messages to the child about which values to follow, that the likelihood of the child not having a solid foundation of values is increased. One aspect of values is the limits to which they must follow. Be it regarding sexual or monetary matters, there are certain limits that should be adhered to in order to fit within society (AACAP, 1997). As such, it is the obligation of the parent to be able to say “no” when these limits are being pushed by the child (Walsh, 1994).
The basic tenants of having a consistent message being taught to the child, in conjunction with a nurturing home environment, will create the foundation upon which the daily tasks of the parent will be based when teaching their child values. For it is in the adolescent years of the child where the basic values, having already been presented to the child over years, are not being taught, but rather refined. As the child discovers new areas of interest and/or concerns, by using the teaching techniques the parent employed early in the child’s life, the continued refinement of the values will be a smooth process rather than a dramatic change to both parent and child.
Parents must be able to recognize that this is a time where the adolescent no longer wishes to be thought of as a child. Rather, the adolescent would like to be considered mature enough to make decisions on his/her own regarding behavior. As such, the adolescent will make the effort to point out the faults of the parents and begin criticizing the way in which the parents are impeding his/her striving for independence (AACAP, 1997). It is imperative that, at this point in the adolescent’s life, the openness that the parent has had with the child regarding discussing matters remains available to the child. Early in the sexual awakening of the child, there may be discussions of “crushes” with teenagers of the opposite sex (Spock, 1994). As the teenager develops, the natural progression will lead the adolescent to issues regarding dating and the possibility of sexual activity with his/her partner. The parent must be able to discuss the uncomfortable issues of menstruation, masturbation, sexually transmitted diseases and birth control with their teenager. It will be within these discussions that the parent can gauge the child’s knowledge on the subject and be able to help the teenager deal with the intense, and often conflicting, feelings found within the issue of sex (AACAP, 1998). Teaching Values Of Consumerism
In addressing the teaching of values to adolescents, it should be realized by the parents that they cannot buy a value system for their child. It has been said that parents should, “spend twice as much time with their kids and half as much money.” (Walsh, 1994). Rather than having an argument or discussion with the adolescent, the parent might simply “throw money” at the issue in order to achieve a quick resolution to the present problem (Walsh, 1994). Due to the teenager being concerned with immediate gratification, at this time in his/her life, this technique is all too successful in avoiding a confrontation (Walsh, 1994). The irony of using money as a cure-all for any problems the teenager may face is that the parent is, by definition, reverting back to adolescent status by creating an immediate resolution to the problem rather than looking at what will benefit the adolescent in the future. Therefore, it is imperative that the parents withhold the use of money in solving the various problems that may arise with their children. The teaching of values to adolescents is one of the primary tasks that parents must undertake with the raising of their children. In investigating this issue, the analysis of the evolution of the roles of society and parents, regarding the teaching of values in children, has been examined. For it is in this history, that one can make the argument that the parents, taking an active role in this process, can be a positive influence for the successful achievement of instilling a set of values within their children. Next, it was shown that, although teaching values is a complex undertaking, it is by employing the concepts of consistency of message and a nurturing home environment that many of the other daily requirements of the parental involvement with the children’s value system can be completed. Finally, by addressing the values pertaining to sex and monetary issues, by parents remaining involved with their children through the adolescent years, the parents can look forward to raising their children to become responsible members in society. Spock, B. M., (1994). A Better World for Our Children: Rebuilding American Family Values. Bethesda, MD: National Press Books. Walsh, D., (1994). Selling Out America’s Children: How America Puts Profits Before Values - and What Parents Can Do. Minneapolis, MN: Deaconess Press. Eyre, L., & Eyre, R., (1993). Teaching Your Children Values. New York, NY: Simon & Schuster. Hewlett, S. A., & West, C., (1998). The War Against Parents: What We Can Do for America’s Beleaguered Moms and Dads. New York, NY: Houghton Mifflin Company. American Academy Of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry: Parenting: Preparing For Adolescence American Academy Of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry: Talking To Your Kids About Sex (1998). Guidelines for Nurturing Culturally Healthy Youth (2001).
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