History of Dating

Making Relationships Last

Abstinence

Contraception and STDs

Further Reading

Personal Stories

What We Learned

Home

Relationship Violence in Romantic Relationships

Written by: Kimberly Vogelman

Charts Showing Both Healthy and Violent Relationships

Quick Reference Guide:
Criteria of Violence
Statistics of Violence in Relationships
Emotional Violence
Physical Violence
Seeking Help
A Safe Exit
Sexual Violence
Violence in Homosexual Relationships
The Violence Cycle
Who is The Aggressor
Warning Signs
Conclusion
References
 

What is Relationship Violence?

   Many people do not know exactly what relationship violence is or how it is defined. “Relationship violence is defined as any harmful or unwanted physical, sexual, verbal, or emotional act inflicted by a casual or intimate dating partner with the intention, either real or perceived, of causing pain or injury to another person” (Zawitz, 1994).  Relationship violence is about one person (the aggressor) having power and control of a relationship.  In relationship violence, the aggressor will take control of a situation and then use his or her power to maintain his or her status throughout the relationship. Violence in a relationship does not occur in just marriages but it can occur in any relationship no matter the age of the couple or the status of their relationship.
   Each year it is estimated that about six million women are assaulted by their partner and of those women assaulted it is estimated that about 1.8 million will be severally assaulted (Straus & Gelles, 1990). Most occurrences of violence happen to women sometime during their adult life, usually between the ages of 19 and 29.  Of the women who experience violent relationships it is estimated that one out of every six women will experience them in college (United Way, 2002). 
   Many people do not understand why victims stay in violent relationships.  It is common to hear people ask why victims do not just get up and leave the aggressor. Unfortunately most people do not understand that it is easier said than done.  “There are many reasons women stay in violent relationships, such as financial dependence, threats, inadequate support systems, shame, low self-esteem, pressures to keep their families together, and love” (Domestic Abuse Intervention Project, 2002).  Violence is the pain one person inflicts on another person.  There are three primary forms of violence: emotional, physical and sexual.  Each has its own criteria of what can be considered violent behavior.

Criteria of Violence

 Dr. David A. Severance (2001) has provided a list of examples of what is considered violent behavior. 

Emotional violence
-Threats of harm to you, your family or possessions
-Deprivation of money, sleep or affection
-Harassment at work
-Insults or verbal abuse
-Any behavior that causes emotional pain
-Imprisonment

Physical violence
-Pushing, slapping, punching, kicking, choking, biting, or shoving
-Throwing objects at you or use of a weapon
-Refusing to help when you are sick, injured or pregnant
-Abandoning you in a dangerous place

Sexual violence
-Rape
-Withholding sex and affection
-Affairs with others after agreed-upon monogamy
-Forced unwanted sexual acts
-Forced sex after beatings
-Sadistic acts

   In some instances two or more forms of violence can take place together in a romantic relationship.  For example, a person who is being sexually assaulted can also experience emotional violence because of the stress the aggressor has inflicted on the victim.  Another example is that a person who is being physically harmed may also be sexually assaulted and at times during the attack the victim may be called names, which goes under a form of emotional violence.  These are just a couple of instances when different types violence overlap with each other. 

Statistics of Violence in Relationships

    Relationship violence is more common than we as a society believe.  “One out of every ten teenagers are a victim of relationship violence” (Coombs, 2000). Violence is a dangerous and painful experience for people; it can happen once and awhile or all the time.  These cases of relationship violence include emotional, physical, and sexual violence.  Of those teenagers in violent relationships, it is believed that about half of the cases involve students in college (Coombs, 2000). Contrary to what many people believe violence can happen to males too, either by their girlfriend or boyfriend. However, less than a fourth of all violence cases involve a male and of those cases most of them were involved in a homosexual relationship (Coombs, 2000).  Unfortunately, not all victims of violence have a chance to get out of the relationship safely.  About a quarter of all female deaths were related to relationship violence each year (FBI, 1996). On average that is about four women killed everyday because of relationship violence (FBI, 1996). Their partners kill them because they tried to get away from the aggressor or they betrayed him or her in some way.  Most often violent relationships start with emotional violence and it serves as a gateway to both physical and sexual violence.

Emotional Violence

   “Emotional violence is the systematic attempt to destroy a person's sense of worth or self-esteem” (Sexual Assault Services and Crime Victim Assistance).  Emotional violence is the most common type of violence and happens often in romantic relationships.  Unfortunately, emotional violence is hard to detect unlike physical and sexual violence.  Both physical and sexual violence leave scrapes, bruises, and scars on a victim. Emotional violence leaves its own form of bruises and scars.  A victim may lose all self-esteem or self-confidence.  For example, the victim may begin to question his or her judgment in regard to their life and daily tasks of living.  Emotional violence leaves scars that no one can erase or heal.  Those memories of violence are permanently imbedded into a person's mind whether they want to remember them or not.  Emotional violence is very traumatizing to a person and it takes years to get over.  Many victims will have to go through years of therapy in order to come to terms with their distress. Emotional violence is very hard to detect because people tend to have different views of what should be considered violence and what could be considered an argument between two people. Since it is hard to determine if a person is in an emotionally violent relationship, most people do not report emotional violence because it is not a crime. 

Physical Violence

    “Physical violence is any act or behavior that inflicts or intends to inflict bodily harm” (Sexual Assault Services and Crime Victim Assistance, 2002).  When a person is in a physically violent relationship, they often do not tell people about it even if the violence is obvious. The evidence of violence is not easy to detect because a victim will always cover up their body to hide the bruise, scrapes and scares that have been inflicted on them. For example, the victim will wear long sleeves and pants in the summer. The victim will begin withdrawing him or herself from the public because the evidence of violence is too obvious, such as their face being bruised. The victim does not want to draw attention to him or herself because of fear of the aggressor.  An aggressor who physically harms his or her partner does so to keep the control in the relationship.  Violent behaviors are intentionally planned and repeated (Sexual Assault Services and Crime Victim Assistance, 2001).   Many victims find ways to justify the violent acts.   Some victims believe that the incidences only happen when the aggressor has been drinking.  “My partner only hits me when s/he’s drunk or high; s/he’s never hit me when s/he’s been sober” (Sexual Assault Services and Crime Victim Assistance, 2001).  This is just the victim's way of defending the aggressor to others so that friends or family will not confront the aggressor or take matters into their own hands.  Unfortunately, if physical violence only happens when the aggressor is drunk or high, he or she will eventually begin the violence when he or she is sober.  Physical violence also leads to sexual and emotional violence or may be a continuation of one or both.

Seeking Help

   Victims of violent dating relationships either live with their partner or spend most of their time with their partner as if they did live together.  In order for the victim to get out of the relationship safely they must first plan an exit that is done at an appropriate and safe time. The United Way has developed a list of things a victim should know before leaving a violent relationship (2002).

Steps to understanding you are a victim
1. It is important to understand that your partner's violent behavior is not your fault.
2. You do not deserve to be a victim, no matter what the situations.
3. Use assertive communication.  It is important to let your partner know how his/her behavior affects you.
4. You should look out for your safety.  Think twice about confronting a partner who may become violent.
5. Call a crisis hotline to talk, find out about your options, or get information on line. 
6. It is important to realize that you may care deeply for a person, but that their violent behavior is their problem not yours.

 Once the victim has identified that the aggressor has a problem, then they are ready to get out of the relationship.  The victim should use the information that they obtained to plan a safe exit from the relationship

A Safe Exit

   What every victim should take with them when they leave a violent relationship. 
Caution:  It is very important to know where you are going when you end the relationship and to notify the person or people you are staying with so they can be on alert if you do not show up.

Checklist of things to take with you
- Any form of identification
- Enough clothes to last several days until you can go back and move out or move back in to your home safely.
- All your money, check book (including bank information) & any form of credit cards
- Spare keys to your car and home
- Address book
- Pets (if they are yours)
- Any personal belongings that you cannot replace such as pictures, family heirlooms, and jewelry
- Any other personal belongings that you feel are important to you

Sexual Violence

   “Sexual Violence is any sexual activity forced upon a person without his/her consent” (Sexual Assault Services and Crime Victim Assistance, 2002).  It was not til the early 1980’s that sexual violence became public knowledge on college campuses, even though it has been happening for decades.  Sexual violence happens to one in four women and one in ten men in their lifetime (United Way, 2002).  Sexual violence is an act when sex is used as a weapon.  Unfortunately, victims of sexual violence will experience some form of bodily injury and/or death.  Victims of sexual violence develop fear and anxiety that another attack will happen. When an incident of sexual violence occurs it can cause stress for the family and friends of the victim as well. The most common crime in sexual violence is rape.  However, it is the most under-reported crime in the U.S. It is estimated that less then ten percent of victims of rape come forward. In order to understand what constitutes as rape, a person should know the facts.  Rape is defined as sexual intercourse obtained through force or the threat of force without the victim's consent.  Sexual intercourse includes vaginal, anal, or oral penetration (United Way, 2002).  Sexual violence occurs most often when one or both the victim and aggressor have consumed alcohol and/or drugs.  If a person is raped, the victim should know some important information in order to help him or her to press charges against the aggressor.

What every victim of rape should know
This information is provided by the United Way (2002).
1. Find a safe place to go as soon as possible.
2. Try to preserve all physical evidence.  Do not bathe, shower, douche, use the toilet, or change clothing if possible.
3. Contact the police
4. Contact a family member or close friend or sexual assault counselor who can stay with the victim until he/she feels safe again.  Whoever stays with the victim will be allowed to accompany them into the medical exam or to the police station.
5. Seek medical attention immediately
 

Violence in Homosexual relationships

    Violence occurs in homosexual relationships just as often as heterosexual relationships. Unfortunately, individuals in homosexual relationships have a hard time coming forward about violence. Aggressive partners in homosexual relationships use different techniques than heterosexual partners to control the relationship.  For example, the aggressor will control the relationship by threatening to “out” his or her partner to family and friends if they do not already know the victim's sexual preference. (Sexual Assault Services and Crime Victim Assistance, 2002).  This causes tremendous stress for the victim because he or she is not sure if it is worth the consequences.  Violent partners will also scare the victim into staying in the relationship by saying that no one will want to help him or her because they are homophobic.  This type of threat scares the victim into remaining in the relationship and keeping quiet about the problems he or she is facing with the partner.  Gay men and lesbians also receive tremendous pressure from their community to stay quiet.  Some feel that reports of violence will only spark more controversy for the gay and lesbian community.  “Some members of the gay and lesbian community may even discourage victims of relationship violence to come forward about violence because they believe that the amount of negative media surrounding the community is overwhelming without adding relationship violence to it” (Sexual Assault Services and Crime Victim Assistance, 2002).  Many homosexuals who experience violence in a relationship must suffer alone and without any idea of how to cope with the experience.  However, as people become more knowledgeable about violence and victims begin to take a stand earlier in the relationship, we as a society will be able to help the government and communities provide gay men and lesbians with the help they need and deserve. 

The Violence Cycle

    The violence cycle are the stages in which the aggressor goes through during the relationship. There are three stages: tension building, acute explosion stage, and the honeymoon. The Sexual Assault Services and Crime Victim Assistance (2002) at Rutgers University has put together a description of what each stage is. Below are a detail description of what each stage is and what the aggressor goes through.

Stage 1: Tension building- tension in the relationship begins to heat up, the aggressor is irritable and becomes more inclined to react negatively to frustration.  The aggressor feels as though he/she has no more control over the victim.

Stage 2: Acute Explosion Stage- The aggressor accepts that his/her rage is out of control.  At the same time the victim withdraws emotionally knowing that fighting back will result in increased violence.  This is the shortest stage in violent relationship because the aggressor feels that the victim has learned his/her lesson.

Stage 3: The Honeymoon- this is the stage in the relationship when the couple gets along and tries to move past the incidents of violence. The victim believes that the aggressor has grown out of his/her violent attacks.  However, the aggressor is only going along with the victim’s belief that the violence is over in order for the aggressor to rebuild his/her confidence and begin the cycle again.

Who is the aggressor?

   Males or females can be the aggressor in a relationship, however it is more likely to be a male.  The aggressor is the dominating partner in the relationship.  During the beginning of the relationship the dominant partner begins to become overpowering and controlling. Unfortunately, people who violate other people tend to come from a home where the example of violence was present as normal occurrences and not a violation of a person’s rights.  A person who is most likely to violate another person usually comes from a family where the father harmed his wife and in several cases his children too.  The aggressor sees how his or her father acted towards his wife and learned how to treat women based on examples presented to them in childhood. 
   Aggressors have a way of preventing the outside world from knowing there is a problem in the relationship.  They prevent anyone from finding out about the violence by being warm and friendly to the victim’s family and friends.  Aggressors also manipulate the victim by using a pattern of kindness and sweetness to wheel them in and then verbally attacking or physically harming the victim about an issue.  For example, the violent partner will be nice and charming one minute then the next minute he or she is vicious and cruel, saying hateful things, and slapping the victim.  This example is of the overlapping of emotional and physical violence in that it shows that the violent partner is manipulating his or her victim by being nice then cruel.  By using this behavior, the victim becomes confused and is not sure exactly what is happening to them, making it easier for the partner to keep the victim in the relationship.  Manipulation is believed to be the number one reason why victims remain in a relationship with their aggressor.
   Though many victims do not see the violent behavior of the aggressor at first, there are many warning signs that can help detect who is a possible aggressor.  The United Way has listed several signs for victims and their family or friends to look for (2002). It is important to know that one, some or all of these warning signs can harm a victim of violence and not even know it until it is too late.

Warning signs

- An aggressor may act jealous or possessive toward his/her partner by taking up all their time so the victim does not hang around friends or if the victim is away from the aggressor he/she will call continuously to check up on the partner.
- The aggressor has all the control in the relationship.  He/she makes all decisions, tells the victim what to do and when to do it.
- If the aggressor does not get his/her way they will react with threats or violence
- The aggressor has a short temper.  It is very easy for the aggressor to get angry and yell at he victim.
- The aggressor uses alcohol and drugs.  He/she may pressure the victim into also taking drugs and alcohol and/or there may be pressure to have sex.
- The aggressor will place all the blame on the victim by saying that he/she was provoked into being violent because of something the victim may have said or had done.
- The aggressor will get serious about the relationship too fast. 

Conclusion

   Many victims of violence believe that they deserve it.  In reality no one deserves to be violated at any time or for any reason. Violence affects a person mentally and can disrupt a person’s development.  Adolescents and young adults who are affected by violence have a hard time communicating with others and find it difficult to perform everyday tasks.   They are subject to violence at home or in a relationship and at the same time they are trying to find their place in society. The most important thing a person can know about relationship violence is that it can happen to anyone no matter what your age, sex, race, or sexual preference, but again it mostly happens to women.

References

1. Coombs, Beth (2000, October 18).  Relationship Abuse common among youth.  {18 pages} Health & Medicine.  Available<http://www.usc.edu/student-affairs/dt/V141/N36/03-relation.36c.html> {2002, February 16}

2. Federal Bureau of Investigation.  (1996).  Uniform crime Report.  Washington, DC: Department of Justice.

3. Munoz, Rachel.  (2001).  Verbal Abuse Scars.  {4 pages}.  Students.com.  Available: http://articles.student.com/article/verbalabuse

4. Schwartz, Martin D., & DeKeseredy, Walter S. (2001).  Male peer support and a feminist routine activity theory:  Understanding sexual assault on the college campus.  Justice Quarterly: Jq. Highland Heights. 

5. Severance, David A. MD. (2001, January). Abuse. {4 pages}. Health link.  Available: http://healthlink.mcw.edu/article/920000422.html

6. Sexual Assault Services & Crime Victim Assistance (2002).  Dating Violence.           {4 pages}.  Available: http://www.rutgers.edu/SexualAssault/16.html {2002, February 25}

7. Sexual Assault Services & Crime Victim Assistance (2002).  Dating Violence in Gay & Lesbian relationship.  {3 pages}.  Available: http://www.rutgers.edu/SexualAssault/16.html {2002, February 25}

8. Straus, M & Gelles, R (Eds.)  (1990).  Physical violence in America families:  Risk factors and adaptations to violence in 8, 145 families.  New Brunswick, NJ: Transaction.

9. United Way. (2002). Domestic Abuse Project. Duluth, Minnesota.

10. Worth, D., Matthews, P., Coleman, W.  (1990).  Sex role, group affiliation, family background, and courtship violence in college students.  Journal of College Students Development, 31, 250-254.

11. Zawitz, M. (1994).  Violence between Intimates.  Washington, DC:  Department of Justice.
 
 

Top of Page