By Natalie Flynn
The
word courtship is almost unknown in today's fast paced American society.
However, its role in the history of American dating is undeniably significant.
It is obvious that the process of adolescent and young adult dating has
evolved to a level of physical closeness never before seen in time. It
is one of open sexuality, intimacy, and varying dating norms, although
researchers argue that particular aspects of dating have remained unchanged
(Laner & Ventrone, 2000).
How was courtship defined in early America? How did it evolve after that? What are the rules of dating today? The following essay will examine these issues and the overall history of American courtship, including the many changes that have occurred over time as well as things that have remained the same. A basic understanding of courtship history is pertinent to understanding dating in today's context.
Quick section reference:
Courtship in the Colonial Times
Courtship in the 1830s to the 1880s
Courtship in the 1880s to the 1920s
Beyond the Twentieth Century
Similarities between Today and the Past
Conclusion
References
Courtship
in the Colonial Times
American courtship began when America was first breaking
ties with its mother country of England during the Colonial period (Cate
& Lloyd, 1992). Times were rough and demanded much physical labor to
construct new towns, farm the land, and just to survive. This required
a large population to meet these demands and so courtship evolved to meet
the needs of the immigrants. Bachelors were encouraged, even harassed,
to marry as quickly as possible. Therefore, courtship became less parent-directed
and more a simple necessity of interdependence that depended on the economic
status of the future husband in order to support a wife and family. Parents
focused less on finding the perfect mate for their daughter and focused
more on wedding her in order to bear children to support the work load.
This emphasis on wedding daughters as quickly as possible decreased the
length of the courtship period as well. In addition, adolescents and young
adults were granted increased autonomy during their courtship (Cate &
Lloyd, 1992). However, parents still played a large role in the timing
of the marriage through the withholding of inheritance land or by prohibiting
their sons to leave due to labor demands.
Much of the customs of courtship during the Colonial times revolved around rational needs and not lust (Cate & Lloyd, 1992). A man was only able to marry when he could support a family with his income and possessions. Many believed that love developed only after a marriage progressed and not before. Nevertheless, this quickly changed during the 1800s when love started to become important. The love referred to, however, was not romantic love for romantic love was seen as childish. Instead, couples sought openness and sincerity in a mate (Cate & Lloyd, 1992).
The seeking of a mate was not necessary because most couples knew each other from social activities, such as church (Cate & Lloyd, 1992). This gave the couple ample time and opportunity to get to know one another in a structured setting. Still, couples also met privately for walks or to talk in a parlor (similar to a formal living room today). Parents rarely monitored these private sessions. This gave the couple substantial chances at having intimate relations, but due to social pressures and norms of that time period, many refrained from having sexual relations prior to marriage. An interesting fact to note, however, is that premarital pregnancies did occur and in the 1770s reached an all time high of 30% (Cate & Lloyd, 1992). After this time, premarital pregnancy was seen as impure and the premarital pregnancy rate decreased.
Marriage itself was an easier transition for the man than for the woman (Cate & Lloyd, 1992). Men's roles were largely still dominant and men used marriage as a way to facilitate not being lonely. Women, on the other hand, found the marriage transition difficult due to their departure from their family and friends to a new house and often a new town. To ease this transition, family members and friends would often accompany the woman on a trip just after her wedding (Cate & Lloyd, 1992).
Courtship in the 1830s
to the 1880s
The interdependent relationship between women and men for economic support soon gave way to a more divided relationship based on gender roles during the mid nineteenth century (Cate & Lloyd, 1992). Women were seen as morally upright and were granted increasing authority concerning household duties and family raising. This separated women into a domestic role that was to be their own and ultimately led to less of a chance of social contact between young boys and girls. This occurred because girls were immediately taught household duties that kept them from interacting with boys, which created separate spheres between the genders. Men remained the main authority outside of the home, for instance with the family's farm or business (Cate & Lloyd, 1992).
These formal roles ultimately led to the formality of the courtship (Cate & Lloyd, 1992). Rings were first exchanged during this period to represent engagement and parents were asked for permission to marry, although usually this occurred after a final decision to marry had already been formulated. This period of formality also encompassed the beginning of the white bridal gown and veil, which symbolized purity (Cate & Lloyd, 1992).
Although formality was the focus at the time, romantic love was also a central issue (Cate & Lloyd, 1992). Romantic love was so central that it was viewed as the main requirement for marriage. It encompassed sincerity and honesty but also an intimacy between the couple. The importance of romance spurned from the need of the woman to ensure her financial security since women relied almost entirely on their husbands economically. Women would even test their new suitors to see if their suitors would remain loyal to them, regardless of the circumstances. These tests included feigning illness, family disapproval, and possibly even breaking off the relationship (Cate & Lloyd, 1992).
In view of its increased formalities, courtship also became increasingly asexual during the mid nineteenth century (Cate & Lloyd, 1992). Expressions of a sexual nature were looked down upon in public so that couples often devised ways of "stealing kisses." Out of the public eye, however, couples were still passionate and expressive but increasingly refrained from direct sexual relations (Cate & Lloyd, 1992).
Courtship in the 1880s
to the 1920s
At the turn of the century, many changes in courtship took place due to the changing political and gender spheres of the country. Women and men rarely interacted due to their separate facilities at school, work, and home (Cate & Lloyd, 1992). This theme of separation was due partly to the underlying need to protect women's "purity." Therefore, chaperones during courtship calls became a common occurrence. Often times, parents would sit in an adjacent room to where the young couple was in order to listen to the couple's conversation (Delany, Delany, & Hearth, 1993).
Romantic love continued to be an important factor for marriage (Cate & Lloyd, 1992). Ironically, the man was seen as having more intense emotions within the relationship than the woman, which is contradictory to the present society's perception of women being more emotional than men. In addition, formality was also increasingly seen as important in courtship. Before speaking to one another, a couple had to be formally introduced and then the mother of the woman would request a "call" from the man. This call implied that the man was to come visit the young woman in the presence of her mother (Cate & Lloyd, 1992).
Most courtship activities centered around the woman's home and occurred only if the future goal of the man was marriage (Cate & Lloyd, 1992). Elaborate decorum was used to ensure the intent of the suitor. However, many of the lower and middle class families could not provide a large enough home to carry out the required decorum. This led many couples to court in public. Wealthy individuals found this type of courtship "exciting" and eventually began courting in public as well, hence the beginning of "dating" occurred. Although public courtship was less private concerning emotional levels (i.e., it was more difficult to have intense private emotional moments because the public was observing the couple's interactions), it did provide more chances for sexual experimentation. This experimentation developed out of a need of sexual fulfillment during marriage. One requirement was, though, that the woman only have sexual relations with the man she intended to marry (Cate & Lloyd, 1992).
Today, adolescents consider dating to be a fun activity that is not so much delegated by authority figures. Young adolescents often "date" in the sense of becoming boyfriend and girlfriend and these relationships are usually short in duration (Feiring, 1996). These relationships are also frequently intense emotionally in that the couple will see and talk to each other daily. Relationships are ordinarily carved out of existing peer groups and many times couples will make going out on a date a group activity. The group or couple will venture out in public for an evening or afternoon of fun, thereby continuing the early twentieth century idea of public dating.
Similarities between Today and
the Past
Many people believe today's youth take dating to a new level but in actuality, some of the common characteristics seen in the past still hold true today (Laner & Ventrone, 2000). Laner and Ventrone (2000) have found that adolescents usually follow traditional dating customs by having the first date be male dominated, (i.e., the man will pay for the date, the man will decide what type of plans the date will encompass). In addition, men are more likely to discuss having a second date than women are. In this way, the roles are still separate when dating occurs and men maintain a more dominant role over the dating process. Women generally fill a reactive role where they tailor their appearance toward acceptance by their prospective suitor, they wait to be asked on a date, and they expect to be picked up for the first date.
The evolution of courtship in America has progressed through many stages. During the Colonial times, courtship was only useful for securing a marriage that was to produce children in order to help with the labor shortage. As courtship proceeded, it became more formalized and increasingly focused on the idea of romantic love instead of filling a void for loneliness or security. Courtship then began to move from one of a family decision to a personal decision when dating itself became popular and adolescents took their courting to the public realm. Today, there are many characteristics about dating that are new and unfamiliar to previous generations, however main themes still exist in the scripts of the first date and its expectations.
Cate, R. M., & Lloyd, S. A. (1992). The history of courtship. In Courtship (pp. 13-32). Newbury Park, CA: Sage Publications, Inc.
Delany, S. L., Delany, A. E., & Hearth, A. H. (1993). Jim Crow days. In Having our say: The Delany sisters’ first 100 years (pp. 91-132). New York: Dell Publishing.
Feiring, C. (1996). Concepts of romance in 15-year-old adolescents. In E. Aries (Ed.), Adolescent behavior: Readings and interpretations (pp. 411-429). McGraw-Hill/Dushkin.
Laner, M. R., & Ventrone, N. A. (2000). Dating scripts revisited.
Journal of Family Issues, 21, 488-500.