Dear Dr. Cyberviser,
Since about half way through break I feel like my life is slipping. I'm usually
relatively outgoing and perky, but now I'm very quiet and prefer spending
time alone. I can't fall asleep, the little sleep is not productive in that
hours feel like minutes, and when I do finally dream I have really bad nightmares.
I find myself crying for no reason at all and the urge to just curl up and
vanish is getting stronger. And I keep cutting my hair. I'm trying to think
of what triggered this, and I keep coming up with nothing.
I had a good break, there's nothing particularly stressful in my life right now, I'm doing well in my classes. Yet this sinking feeling just won't quit.
Help?
Dear Asking For Help,
It sounds like things are becoming more and more difficult for you. Preferring
to spend time alone in and of itself is not necessarily a problem. Given a
few of the other comments you make regarding "crying more often," "wanting
to vanish," and feeling "more quiet," it seems that talking with someone
in the Counseling Center (x8470) would likely be helpful to you. A therapist
may be able to help you explore possibilities regarding the source of your
mood change since the break. Sometimes it may look as if our lives (for the
most part) look pretty good (e.g. classes going well), and it certainly can
be confusing to experience a mood which seems inconsistent with our external
life. If you have not yet had the opportunity to meet with a therapist in
your life, you would likely find it helpful to have someone to talk with and
consider possible causes for your recent mood. The nightmares that you describe
might also be discussed and explored in counseling, as another way to understand
the full picture of what is going on for you.
I hope you will decide to call and make an appointment, or simply drop in during the Counseling Center walk in hours each day. Walk-in hours are Monday and Tuesday, 11:00 a.m. - noon, and Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday 1:30 - 2:30 p.m.
Good luck to you,
Dr. Cyberviser
Dear Doctor Cyberviser,
There are so many facets of my life and other problems combining to make me
feel so despaired right now, but the main concern itself is compulsive eating.
I used to binge and then fast for a day or two, hoping to rid myself of the
experience mentally and physically. I have gotten away from fasting as I became
scared of the effects on my body. I am still extremely frightened of damaging
my body, and even more frightened that I can't seem to conquer this. It happens
once or twice a week, sometimes only twice a month. But I'm not sure if I've
been able to get away from it for longer than that in a year now, no matter
how convinced I am that I have figured things out and am starting over. I
am making myself miserable and I don't know how to help myself as I am not
in a convenient location for regular counciling.
Can you please advise me?
J
Dear J,
Eating problems such as the ones you've described can be very scary and difficult
for the person dealing with them, and I'm glad you've wanted to reach out
for help as a first step. I can hear in the tone of your writing what a toll
this has taken on you, and that you're pretty tired of feeling frightened
and miserable about it, and want to figure out some way out of this bind.
You're wanting the symptoms of the eating problems to stop, but at the same
time you pointed out that there are other big issues with which you're trying
to cope. These don't seem like separate things.
Dr. Cyberviser has worked with a lot of people with eating difficulties, and these are almost always connected with other significant life problems. Given this, it's usually necessary to address both at once, rather than focus exclusively on the eating problem symptoms in isolation. Perverse as it may sound, Dr. Cyberviser can imagine you have good reasons for having developed problems with eating, and has respect for your need to have some way of coping with what's hard. This isn't an endorsement of eating problems or their symptoms, of course, just an understanding that you need some ways of coping with hard life problems, and you are doing your very best to survive.
If going to see a counselor seems difficult right now, you might start by checking out the website for Anorexia and Related Eating Disorders, Inc. This organization offers a lot of helpful information about eating problems, including some oriented to "self-help." The ANRED site also has links to many other websites and organizations, including the National Eating Disorders Association. This group has a toll-free number, where you can call and talk to someone about any questions or concerns you might have, including referral to a counselor, 1-800-931-2237.
I encourage you to explore these options. It may be that there are more resources out there that are available to you than you thought. And, as it sounds like you already know, trying to go it alone is a really hard road.
Yours truly,
Dr. Cyberviser
Dear Dr. Cyberviser,
Over the last few years I've felt depressed, but not just the regular run
of the mill "I'm sad." There are many days that I don't want to get up or
do anything. I feel like I've lost interest in things that were very important
to me. I also see myself pushing away people who say they love me. For some
reason I can't believe them, and I try to push them away. I don't know why
it's hard for me to believe that people really love me, but it is. I am also
worried that all these emotional problems will affect my chances of getting
into grad school.
What should I do?
Signed,
Feeling Depressed
Dear Feeling Depressed,
The symptoms that you have described, such as losing interest in activities
that you used to enjoy and isolating yourself from others, are consistent
with depression. Depression is a condition that can be treated successfully
with psychotherapy, medication, or a combination of the two. Psychotherapy
can help you to focus on the issues and factors that contribute to your depression,
and to learn to deal with them more effectively. Antidepressant medicine influences
brain chemistry, and for many people can give relief from depressive symptoms
within 2-6 weeks. I would encourage you to consult with a staff member in
the Counseling Center or a psychologist, psychiatrist, or psychiatric social
worker in private practice, to discuss what you have been experiencing and
the impact it is having on your life.
Dr. Cyberviser
Dear Dr. Cyberviser,
I am a medical student who is feeling not my best lately. Though I am trying
hard to do my best, I don't feel great about my third year. I try to learn
and do a good job every day, but I feel I am falling short.
Dear Student,
I can hear your disappointment and frustration with trying hard and feeling
like you have not been doing your best. I am wondering if this change was
sudden or has it been gradual? Was there a certain event or feeling that has
precipitated this change in feeling(s)? Either way, the feeling may be a signal
that something needs more attention in your life. Perhaps you may need to
tend to a difficult situation and/or emotion, nurture yourself more, or make
some type of readjustments to your life. As always, especially in a rigorous
academic program, pay close attention to your lifestyles, particularly your
diet, exercises, and sleep. Regular and nutritious meals, aerobic exercise,
and adequate sleep are essential.
I also am wondering what comparisons you are making (with yourself/or to others) that make you feel as though you are falling short? You may want to talk to a professor or academic advisor about your feeling of falling short and your academic status in the program. In this way you can get feedback from others to see if your feelings are accurate, as well as extra academic support and advice. If you are in good academic standing, you may want to explore why you seem to be feeling inadequate when you are doing well in the program. Despite these things, I heard you say that you are trying your best, and I am wondering why that doesn't make you feel good?
It is important that you are careful not to unnecessarily double your feelings of inadequacy/frustration/disappointment, etc. with feelings of criticism. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses. While you may perform better than others at some things, you may perform less well at other things. You can counter this tendency to criticize yourself by emphasizing your strengths and focusing on what you are doing that's positive.
With regard to your question, I heard you say that you are doing your best, you are trying to learn, and you do a good job everyday. Instead of doubling up with criticism, try doubling up on caring, love, and kindness towards yourself. Let your thoughts and activities support and nurture you. I can appreciate your ambition, dedication, and setting high standards and goals for yourself.
Best of luck to you.
Dr. Cyberviser
Dear Dr. Cyberviser,
Where can I get help for problems with anorexia?
Dear Questioner,
There are lots of very good resources to help people with problems with anorexia.
One place to start is to take a look at the websites of national eating disorders
organizations. Check out Anorexia and Related
Eating Disorders . Their pages include the website's "forum"Ńa place
with personal stories from people who've had success in their struggles with
an eating disorder.
There is also a place for referrals for treatment, opportunities for activism, and good general information about eating disorders. Eating Disorders Awareness and Prevention, Inc. is another good site. They have a toll free number for information and referrals, well-presented general information about eating disorders, and offer educational materials, as well.
Another good place to begin to get help is through a therapist or counselor. This person, trained to know how to help with anorexia and other eating-related concerns, can work with you to assess what your needs are, right now, in beginning your own individual process to heal and recover. Because this can be a challenging process, it's important to have a strong support system in place. A therapist can be someone at the very heart of that support system. If you are a college student, your counseling center is a good place to start. They can also help you with referrals in your community, if needed. High school counselors, your local community mental health center, hospital outpatient clinic, family physician or nurse practitioner are all, also, good sources to seek out when looking for counseling resources.
Dr. Cyberviser applauds your reaching out for help. It takes courage to admit to a problem and begin to seek ways to address it, and in this you are showing strength and a determination to take care of yourself.
Good luck in your journey.
Best,
Dr. Cyberviser
Dear Dr. Cyberviser,
I have a question concerning what to do to help a friend of mine. This person
is extremely paranoid about what others think about him to the point that
he will read all sorts of things that make no sense into just about any social
situation he's in. This has caused him to completely isolate himself from
all his friends. I have also just learned that he recently began engaging
in extremely unhealthy behaviors that could pose a considerable risk to him.
He has no common sense whatsoever and extremely poor judgement. I doubt if
he sees the danger in what he's doing.
Many of us have been worried about him for quite some time now (the past two years or so) and urged him to get help. He has been talking to a therapist, but being a psychology/neuroscience major here at the college, I don't believe he is getting the help he needs because his social functioning has continued to deteriorate. The problem is further confounded by the facts that 1) it's only in social situations that his problems fully reveal themselves, making it hard to assess and help them in a clinical setting, 2) he doesn't realize how badly he needs help and therefore would not tell any clinician everything he/she needs to know, 3) he can get extremely angry for no reason (part of the paranoia), so telling him these things could make him worse. Because he has alienated all of his friends by assuming they all have ulterior motives in what they say and that none of us like him, there is nobody very close to him.
I have tried to be as supportive as I can, but I only see and talk to him very rarely anymore. I'm just wondering what I should do to help him. He is very bad about taking initiative and getting things done, and so I feel like the only way he is going to get the help he needs is if someone does it for him.
Sorry for the long question and thanks for you help.
Concerned Friend
Dear Concerned Friend,
It sounds like your friend is in a great deal of distress. I can appreciate
your frustration and feelings of helplessness as you witness him going through
such a difficult time. I'm glad to hear that he is already in psychotherapy.
Although you have questions about whether or not his therapy is helping ,
it is important to remember that psychotherapy is not a quick fix. Your friend
may be dealing with issues that will take an extended period of time and effort
before he realizes the full benefit from his work. If you have concerns that
your friend's behavior has deteriorated to a point where he is a danger to
himself, it is possible for you to contact his therapist and share this information
with him or her. His therapist cannot, of course, share any information about
your friend's treatment, (or even the fact that your friend is in treatment).
But if you know the name of his therapist, you can contact that person and
pass on any information that you think might be helpful for his therapist
to know.
Dr. Cyberviser also suggests that you take good care of yourself and get support as you move through your own feelings of frustration, helplessness and fear. Remember that you can use the Counseling Center to consult further on your questions. You can call and schedule an appointment with a counselor to discuss the best ways to deal with your concerns about your friend.
Take good care.
Dr. Cyberviser
Dear Dr. Cyberviser,
I'm really worried about a friend of mine. He has a serious alcohol problem,
and because of it has missed enough classes that it is now impossible for
him to get back on track, at least for this semester. He really needs to do
well here and to be able to stop drinking, but he's afraid to stop. How can
I help him?
Thanks so much.
Friend of Alcohol Problem
Dear Friend,
It does sound as if your friend has a serious problem with alcohol. He very
well may be alcohol dependent, which is quite difficult to overcome without
outside support. There are several alternatives open to you if he is willing
to get some help:
Alcohol abuse and dependency can easily be overlooked in a college age population because alcohol consumption is all too common on our campuses. However, alcohol can have a very destructive impact on a college student's life, as you're unfortunately observing firsthand. It's important to remember that your friend has responsibility for the choices he makes. You may need to get others involved to break through the strong degree of denial that accompanies alcohol and other drug addiction.
I strongly encourage you to seek out some assistance with this if your friend
is resistant to seeking appropriate help. Remember you do not need to tackle
this alone.
Dr. Cyberviser
Dear Dr. Cyberviser,
I just recently broke up with my girlfriend of a year (or rather, was recently
dumped) and I'm having a really hard time dealing with it. Not only did I
lose someone who I was desperately in love with and had factored into my future,
but I also lost my best friend. All my other friends have been supportive,
but there's this hole where she used to be. For the first time in my life
I feel completely alone (before the relationship, I reveled in my singleness).
I miss her so much, but if I'm ever going to get over her I can't be around
her right now (this is coupled with the fact that she already has someone
new that she's dating). I just feel so sad. Is there any advice that you could
give me?
Signed,
Seeking Advice
Hello Seeking Advice,
It sounds like you have been going through quite a difficult time recently.
I understand that the loss of your girlfriend (as a dating partner) is compounded
by the loss of a special friendship as well. It seems to me that you are feeling
that it is best for you to have some time away from her right now. As relationships
change, it is usually best to follow your own ideas about what is most helpful
for you. You might decide that after some time apart, a friendship is workable
and something you want. You might feel that "going separate ways" is the healthiest
choice for you. It is important that you trust your needs and be open to the
fact that these needs may change over time. This situation seems more difficult
because your girlfriend was the one who ended the relationship and is dating
someone else. It seems to me, given these factors, that it is most important
that you make decisions about your contact with her that are the best for
you and your well-being. It seems important not to place yourself in personally
uncomfortable situations for the sake of trying to maintain/develop your friendship
with her. I encourage you not to "try to be o.k." with all of this sooner
than feels right and natural to you. If feelings related to this relationship
break up persist, please consider scheduling an appointment at the Counseling
Center. Talking about these issues with others (friends, family, or a therapist)
will be the key to moving forward in your life.
Sincerely,
Dr. Cyberviser
Dear Dr. Cyberviser,
My mom passed away last summer after a four year battle with cancer. As a
result of the things I went through then, and other things as well, I've developed
self-destructive habits and have what I think may be occasional anxiety attacks.
I was in therapy all of last year and really didn't enjoy it or have any desire
to continue it. What else is there that I can do to reverse some of the habits
that I've picked up?
Dear Questioner,
You've had some pretty hard things to go through, both related to your mom's
being ill and passing away, and as you suggest, before then, too. It would
make sense to me that to cope with all that, you've had to develop some powerful
ways of getting through difficult circumstances. All coping strategies are
ingenious, as they have to do with survival. But what you may be recognizing
now is that while those things served you well, perhaps even brilliantly before,
they're not so useful now, and may be doing you more harm than good. Seeing
this, you're starting to get ready to let them go. One of the greatest challenges
of life may be how long change takes and how hard it is. Related to that,
too, is how change doesn't follow as easily as we'd sometimes like from insight.
You may see the sense and logic to changing behavior, and wish for the comfort
and relief it would give you to leave behind habits that seem self-destructive,
but it's not so easy as that. Most people need help with this process, and
a therapist is one source of such help. If that doesn't seem like it fits
for you right now, though, another person trained to be a kind of life facilitator,
someone who knows how to help people make changes, could step in as support.
Clergy members are often a wonderful source of such help, as might be members
of your extended family, old family friends, other friends, or other people
in your life who are well grounded, wise, and loving.
More immediate help with anxiety problems might come from self-help materials. Anxiety is often easily managed with strategies you can learn yourself through audiotape or in books on the subject. Check out your local library, bookstore, or music source for tapes or CDs on stress-management or dealing with anxiety. Or check out The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook, 3rd Edition, by Edmund J. Bourne (New Harbinger Publications, 2001). Journaling or otherwise writing about your experience with this process may also be a way of giving yourself some needed extra support.
Something to take note of, while teaching yourself not to be overwhelmed by your anxiety: Anxiety serves a purpose and is worth respecting. Very often we feel anxious about something unresolved or important in our lives, like a feeling or experience that is asking for our attention. For this reason, the anxiety is like a voice that needs us to listen to it. If we don't, the voice will likely find some other way of being heard, as through other feelings or symptoms. In the future, when and if you're ready to give therapy another chance, you might find it useful to have a professional to work with, to facilitate your working through issues and problems underlying your anxiety attacks.
Best Regards,
Dr. Cyberviser
Dear Dr. Cyberviser,
What can I do if I take Prozac and yet just found out I'm pregnant?
Dear Concerned,
Dr. Cybervise consulted with a medical provider about your question and obtained
the following response.
Prozac is a class C drug, according to the FDA. Class C means risk during pregnancy cannot be ruled out. Adequate human studies are lacking, and animal studies have shown a risk, or are lacking as well. There is a chance of fetal harm if the drug is administered during pregnancy, but the potential benefits may outweigh the potential risk. According the package insert Prozac has shown no negative impact on the fetus when administered to humans in doses of 80 mg. per day. It should be used during pregnancy "only if the potential benefit outweighs the possible risk to the fetus." It should not be taken by the mother during breast feeding.
Dr. Cyberviser suggests that you consult with the person who prescribed the medication and your gynecologist before stopping the drug.
Best wishes.
Dr. Cyberviser
Hello Dr.Cyberviser,
I don't even know where to begin. I'm depressed, I know that, though I'm not
sure to what extent. I've been so for years as far as I can tell, usually
apathethetic (for most of my day, but I do occasionally "feel" something,
most times because of friends), loss of interest in almost everything (but
it's gotten better too), twice felt extreme depression (the last one fairly
recently), among other things.
I hate almost everything social. I usually avoid things: anything like parties, or small gatherings, or even conversations with "friends". It seems I also constantly feel an intense desire to please the world, like I'm constantly being criticized, leading up to the perfectionism resulting in some pretty heavy procrastination. I'm sure this isn't going to go online.Too long. That's cool. I was thinking of scheduling an appointment, but wanted to get general feedback before I did so.
Dear Questioner,
From your message it sounds clear that you already know that you are depressed,
and have been for some time. The experiences that you describe--feeling apathetic,
avoiding social activities, procrastinating, are all quite common in depression.
Often, when people are depressed they have difficulty getting themselves to
take action to reach out for help. I want to congratulate you on taking a
big and important step by writing to Dr. Cybervisor. I am also glad to hear
that you are considering making an appointment at the Counseling Center. Depression
can be treated successfully with psychotherapy. In some cases medication is
also helpful. The Counseling Center is an excellent place to begin to explore
ways to help yourself feel better and to identify resources to help you in
that process.
I hope you will follow up on your thoughts about making an appointment.
Dr. Cyberviser
Dear Dr. Cyberviser,
I have a close friend (not currently an Oberlin College student) who has suffered
from chronic depression for around five years now, and for the past several
months he's been in an unshakable low. He has made small attempts at helping
himself in the standard ways (counseling, anti-depressants, etc.) in the past,
but he has given up on them pretty quickly.
Recently, his insurance company decided to not cover him anymore, and he has no job to cover any medical expenses. As a result, he has turned to drugs to see him through each day, and I worry that he will soon give up hope and try to kill himself again.
What can I do for my friend, especially if he has no insurance?
Dear Friend,
It sounds like you are very concerned about your depressed friend. Treatment
for depression typically includes psychotherapy, medication, or a combination
of the two. Since you said your friend gave up quickly, I wonder if he did
not give the treatment time to be effective or if the treatment needed some
adjustments to become effective. Counseling often takes time to begin to see
changes and the change is typically a process. Antidepressant medications
take 2-6 weeks to begin to notice changes, and the psychiatrist may need to
alter the dosage or change the type of medication to be most effective for
that person. Even when people begin to notice improvements with treatment,
continued treatment might be needed to prevent recurrence.
Getting some education about depression and treatment can be beneficial for the depressed individual and/or someone close to him/her. A common myth is that a depressed person can "get over it" or "snap out of it" quickly. The truth is that even with treatment, it may take time for depression to lift. It is very important to not ignore comments about suicide. If you think the person is in danger of hurting himself you can call a 24-hour crisis line at your nearest local mental health center or 1-800-SUICIDE, which will automatically route your call to one of these hotlines. Often times, people that are depressed without treatment will cope with difficult feelings in unhealthy ways (e.g. using drugs). It is common for depression to co-occur with other medical, psychiatric, or substance abuse disorders. A professional can decide how to treat the drug abuse or dependence along with the depression.
Not having insurance can make it difficult to find resources to get the needed treatment. Local community mental health centers are typically funded by the state and usually offer services to individuals without insurance. You might encourage your friend to see a counselor or medical doctor there. You also may choose to accompany them to their first appointment.
It is often difficult to be close to someone who needs help. Perhaps they are not in treatment or not following through with treatment. Even with the best effort, there is only a limited amount of things you can do to try to be helpful and supportive to your friend. Sometimes the only thing you can offer is understanding, patience, and encouragement. It is also important for you to get support for yourself and your own emotions. After you feel like you have done all that you are able/willing to do and you still do not see the changes you had hoped for, you may need to begin to let go and accept the sad fact that they are not ready for help at this time.
Best of luck to you in your attempts to help your friend.
Dr Cyberviser
Dr. Cyberviser,
I have a friend who is a good friend of mine, although she can really piss
me off sometimes. This seems to be a problem for her with all her relationships
and she claims to have "anger-management problems" and refuses to see a therapist
because she's had bad past experiences and thinks it would just set her off
again. She wants to introspect in order to solve her problems, but I don't
think this is the right thing to do. Her friends and I care about her and
want to help her, but we're getting to the end of our leash because she's
not responding to our pleads. What can we do?
Dear Frustrated Questioner,
You've come up against one of the seemingly eternal truths about relationships--people
act in negative, self-destructive ways that drive others away, and yet, though
this behavior may make them and those close to them miserable, they don't
stop it!
How frustrating for you and your friends this is, and of course you are feeling pissed off and at the end of your collective leash. Dr. Cyberviser advises you to let the leash out even farther! Don't take on your friend's behavior. Set good limits and boundaries as to what is and isn't acceptable to you, what you can and can't do, and what is your bottom line, in terms of unacceptable behavior. This places the responsibility for your friend's behavior firmly back in her hands, where it belongs. Given clear consequences, she can make better decisions about what she will do. For example, if you make it clear to her that her yelling at you is not something you'll tolerate, and you will leave if she does this, she can decide whether to yell or find another, more reasonable, way of expressing her feelings. This process will need you to think through the situations in which you find yourself with your friend, specific problematic behaviors you've encountered, and what might be your specific responses to them. In the end, your friend must decide what to do about her behavior and the consequences of it, including, if she wants to change the behavior, how she'll go about doing that.
If she doesn't want to give therapy another chance at this time, she might begin to do some work on her anger on her own, with the help of other resources. One good place to start is a book on the subject called Angry All the Time: An Emergency Guide to Anger Control by Ron Potter-Efron. The Oberlin College Counseling Center lending library has a copy, and the staff is glad to lend books to students, regardless of whether or not they are clients.
Should your friend change her mind and wish, at some point, to give therapy another chance, the door to the Counseling Center is always open.
Wishing you good luck with your challenge,
Dr. Cyberviser
Dear Dr. Cyberviser,
For some reason, on a fairly regular basis I fall into a depression, and while
the cause evades me the depression just lingers for what seems like days.
I'm in a new environment and I think part of it is my inability to adjust
and get comfortable here and feeling unworthy because of that.
Any suggestions?
Dear Unworthy,
It is not clear from your note how being new to this environment is contributing
to your feelings of unworthiness. But, feeling unworthy can certainly contribute
to feelings of loss and uncertainty that our personal resources are adequate
to meet challenges in a new situation. People usually function best when they
perceive the events and circumstances in their lives as familiar. Familiarity
contributes to an ability to predict, and provides more control over our thoughts
and behavior. This in turn provides greater feelings of calm, comfort, and
a sense of well being.
As things become more familiar and predictable, you may notice a greater sense of empowerment and well being. In any case, I hope you will reach out to others for support. These feelings sound very familiar, and I think most people can relate to the discomfort of being in a new environment. You may also want to come to the Counseling Center on campus to explore some of these issues further with one of my friends on the staff.
Dr. Cyberviser
Dear Dr. Cyberviser,
Can you send me by email the official school policy on alcohol? Let me be
more specific. Ohio's legal drinking age is 21. 3.2 beer years ago was legal
for the 18-20 year olds. Now that is not available. Does Oberlin tolerate
underage drinking? Obviously no, but how is the policy framed? The old "wink
and a nod?"
Dear Alcohol Policy Questioner,
Dr. Cyberviser directed your question to the Dean of Students office, and
this is the response we received from Bill Stackman, Associate Dean of Students:
Oberlin College gives its students a lot of freedoms, but also holds them accountable for their actions. So, to answer your last question--no, we do not use the "old wink and a nod." As the Judicial Coordinator, I adjudicated 120+ cases last semester. More than 75% of those cases involved violations of the alcohol and drug policy. Below are copies of Oberlin's Alcohol Policy and the Ohio State Law.
Oberlin College prohibits the unlawful possession, use, or distribution of alcohol or drugs. It is the College's policy to provide a learning, living and work environment that is free to illicit drugs, tobacco smoke, and the unlawful use of abuse of alcohol.
Believing that the acceptance by students of full responsibility for their conduct is an essential component of the educational process, the College seeks to prevent the destructive use of tobacco, drugs and alcohol by means of counseling and the education of students with regards to the risks involved. While the College's emphasis is on preventive and educational approaches to substance use and abuse, the College will not protect students from local, state or federal laws. College judicial procedures will be initiated if a complaint of misconduct related to drug, alcohol or tobacco use is filed by a member of the Oberlin College community. Judicial sanctions may include suspension or expulsion, depending on the seriousness of the offense.
The following statement was issued to the Oberlin College community by General Faculty Council on May 9, 1991: "Oberlin College cannot condone the illegal possession, consumption, provision or sale of alcohol or drugs, and Oberlin College cannot protect members of the community from prosecution for crimes under federal, state, or local laws. Ohio state law (Section 4301.69) provides that no person shall sell intoxicating liquor or beer to a person under the age of twenty-one years, unless given by a physician in the regular line of his/her practice, or by a parent or legal guardian. Drugs are defined as including marijuana as well as the following, all of which are illegal except when taken under a doctor's prescription: barbiturates, amphetamines, prescription tranquilizers, LSD compounds, mescaline, psilocylin, DMT, cocaine, and other narcotics or opiates."
Summary of State Laws*
Ohio Revised Code Governing Alcoholic Beverages Section 4301.22 (A)
No intoxicating liquor or beer shall be sold to or handled by any person under
twenty one years of age. The penalty for violation of this section provides
for a fine of not more than $500 and imprisonment of not more than sixty days,
or both (third degree misdemeanor.)
Section 4301.69
No person shall sell intoxicating liquor or beer to a person under the age
of twenty-one years, or buy intoxicating liquor or beer for, or furnish it
to, a person under the age of twenty-one years, unless given by a physician
in the regular line of his practice, or by a parent or legal guardian. The
penalty for violation of this section provides for a fine or not more than
$1,000 or imprisonment of not more than six months, or both (first degree
misdemeanor.)
Selling alcoholic beverages, however, requires a license and thus is not
legal anywhere on-campus, except the Rathskeller, where a license has been
issued to sell beer, and the Oberlin College Inn, which has a full liquor
license.
Ohio revised code Governing Drugs
The current Ohio law regarding drug abuse, including marijuana, may be
found in Chapter 2925 of the Ohio Revised code and related sections in Chapter
3719. Activities covered in these sections include drug abuse, trafficking
in drugs, possession of drug abuse instruments, corrupting another with drugs,
permitting drug abuse, selling paraphernalia for consumption of marijuana
to minors, drug theft, deception to obtain drugs, illegal processing of drug
documents, abusing harmful intoxicants, illegal dispensing of drug samples
and counterfeit controlled substances. Traffic laws relating to driving while
intoxicated or drugged are to be found in Chapter 4511 of the Ohio Revised
Code.
Ohio Revised Code Governing the Reporting of a Felony Section 2921.22
No person, knowing that a felony has been or is being committed, shall knowingly
fail to report such information to law enforcement authorities.
Copies of these laws will be made available to students on request from the
Dean of Students' Office. If a student is apprehended on- or off-campus by
the state, local or federal authorities for violation of drug laws.
a. The student will remain enrolled in the College
b. Students released on bail will normally be free to continue their courses of study while awaiting legal proceedings.
c. Withdrawal without prejudice will be granted to those who find it impossible to continue for legal or personal reasons.
d. Conviction for a drug or alcohol-related offense will not automatically result in separation from the College, but college judicial procedures will be initiated if a complaint of misconduct is filed by a member of the Oberlin College community.
William B. Stackman Associate Dean of Students and Dean of the Class of 2006
Oberlin College Wilder 105
Oberlin, OH 44074
William.Stackman@Oberlin.edu 440-775-8462 (Work) 440-775-6848 (Fax)
*The law is quoted as it reads.
Dear Dr. Cyberviser,
I am questioning my sexual identity. I'm a woman and have a long-distance
relationship with a man whom I love very much. However, I am also very attracted
to women. I have never been with a woman, although I would like to. I am sort
of shy about joining the gay community on campus because I don't really fit
in (I have a boyfriend, I am not butch, I am not really attracted to butch
girls, etc.) but I feel like I'm denying part of myself by not following this
desire. I don't want to ruin my relationship with my boyfriend, but I know
I will eventually if we end up married or something without me ever having
been with a girl. Plus, I have the problem of only being attracted to straight
girls.
What is my problem? I'm really confused.
Thanks.
Dear Really Confused,
It sounds like you are struggling with your sexual identity and how that fits
into your long-term relationship. Although some people are certain of their
sexual identity at an early age, it is normal for others to question their
sexuality at some point during their lives. Many people, especially college
students, question their sexual identity as a consequence of exposure to new
people and new experiences. It sounds like you are aware of your attraction
to women, but donŐt feel you fit into the lesbian community. There is much
variation in the way people perceive themselves and identify in the LGBTQ
population, however.
Some researchers believe that sexual identity lies on a continuum and contains a broad spectrum of sexual orientations in between being exclusively heterosexual or exclusively homosexual. In questioning your sexuality, you may begin to examine your fantasies, dreams, thoughts, frequency of sexual activities, and emotional feelings in relation to the same/opposite sex. In terms of your concerns of not being butch or being attracted to butch women, depending upon the individual, sexual identity may or may not be related to gender roles. I encourage you to read books/magazines and to explore on the internet issues related to the LGBTQ community. Such exploration might expose you to variations of sexual/gender identity within the community. I am sure once you begin to explore your identity more fully, you will get more insight as to patterns related to qualities and characteristics that you are attracted to in both men and women. It is important to be aware and accepting of your feelings and to recognize that identity develops over time. You should feel no pressure to define yourself in any particular way.
It is also common for people who are questioning to not feel completely comfortable joining the LGBTQ community on campus. Sometimes coming out/questioning groups are more comfortable at first for people that donŐt feel like they quite "fit in." I encourage you to find support for yourself and your feelings. You may confide in a trusted friend, find a group, or begin to talk to some members of the LGBTQ community. Reaching out may help you feel more support. You might be surprised at hearing others identity stories or you may just feel relieved to have someone to listen and to understand you.
Good luck to you. Remember you can always come to the Counseling Center to
talk about your thoughts/feelings and get support at any time.
Dr Cyberviser
Dear Dr. Cyberviser,
For a long time now I have been struggling with difficulties in falling asleep.
Even when I'm really tired I can't seem to stop my mind from thinking while
trying to sleep. Usually, I'm not thinking about anything important... but
I just can't stop my mind from thinking. I've tried many things (short of
prescription sleeping pills) but the only thing that seems to allow me to
sleep easily is if I am sleeping next to my boyfriend or sometimes if I am
in a room with someone else. Since this is not a possibility every night what
do you suggest?
Dear Sleepless in Oberlin,
Realizing that you say you have already tried many things to help with your
difficulties falling asleep, I can suggest a few ideas that may be helpful
to you. Deep breathing and/or relaxation exercises might be helpful to relax
your body and your mind. A focus on your breathing and/or the relaxation of
your body will focus your mind and allow you to let go of the "thinking" you
describe.
Another suggestion is to emphasize acceptance as opposed to fighting the experience. In other words, attempting to shut off or distract your thoughts as a way of dealing with them often produces the opposite of the intended result. Cognitive strategies to deal with anxiety emphasize acceptance. You might say to yourself, "There's my mind being busy thinking again," and simply notice and accept the experience as opposed to getting in a battle with your mind and thoughts.
Some people find that a recorded version of a relaxation exercise or a visualization can help them relax and fall to sleep easier. If you are looking for a book that might help you to relax, I recommend The Stress and Relaxation Handbook: A Practical Guide to Self-Help Techniques by Jane Madders. It is full of practical suggestions to help a person relax.
Finally, if your difficulties falling asleep persist, I recommend you come and meet with a therapist in the Counseling Center. Talking about the things that you often find yourself thinking about might provide you an avenue to self-understanding that will allow you sleep easier. It also sounds like it's easier for you to sleep when you are in the presence of another person. It might be helpful to explore that as well if you meet with a counselor.
Good luck to you.
Sincerely,
Dr. Cyberviser
Dear Dr. Cyberviser,
I am the parent of a returning Oberlin student. My child left school last
October and entered a drug and alcohol rehab program. He returned to school
for the second semester and did very well. We just found out yesterday that
he has been using drugs again. We don't know what to do. Can he return to
school but attend counseling at the same time? We would need to be informed
of his progress.
Please help!
Dear Concerned Parent,
I think it is important to address your son's relapse as the current and most
important priority. He will be better able to address his academics and other
life issues once he's in a state of recovery from his use of drugs. He probably
needs to enter a residential program this semester and consider returning
to school in February at the earliest.
For your own personal support in addressing your feelings about your son's use, you may find it helpful to participate in Al-Anon or other resources, if you have not already done so.
All the best in your efforts to support your son's recovery.
Dr. Cyberviser
Concerned about Friend with Eating Disorder
Dear Dr. Cyberviser,
My friend spent the last semester away from Oberlin getting treatment for
an eating disorder. Now she is back and is having problems again and it really
worries me. I was hoping you might have some suggestions as to how to interact
with her in a positive way. I have already checked out the links and info
on eating disorders, and I am looking for more specific information. What
are some things I can do to encourage her and help her, without trying to
run her life? (I know I can't do it for her.) I know I'm not her therapist,
but I don't know if just being her friend and listening to her will be enough.
Thanks,
Concerned Friend
p.s. She is already receiving therapy once a week, and there aren't any support groups around here.
Dear Concerned Friend,
You ask a good, hard, and complex question--I'm going to answer back, in kind,
I hope, with the following suggestions about how you can help your friend.
Ask yourself, "What are the specific behaviors that I am concerned about?" Consult a professional if you are not sure there is an active eating disorder at issue here. At Oberlin, a good place to start is with one of the members of the Eating Concerns Resource Team, which include staff at the Counseling Center, Student Health Services, and Nutrition Services. The team's services are available to people with eating problems and those that care about them.
Plan how you will discuss your concerns. Pick a quiet place, free of distractions. Use "I" messages that express your concerns about specific behaviors or changes, such as, "I'm worried when I see you (exercising three times a day, criticizing your appearance, withdrawing into your room) and I would like to help." Make it clear that you are approaching your friend out of concern. Offer to support or accompany her to sources of help. Sometimes people find it easier to speak as frankly as necessary with someone else there. Show caring, support, and continued friendship by listening and attempting to understand your friend's perceptions about the situation, now and later. Refrain from judging, criticizing, analyzing, making light of the problem, making comments about weight or appearance, or giving advice like "You are thin enough!"
Expect your friend to deny that there is a problem. People often experience eating disorders as shameful, embarrassing, and hard to acknowledge. Simply state that you are still concerned about what you've observed. If your friend does not respond or seek adequate help immediately, you have still done your part. She may do so in the future.
Don't monitor your friend's eating/purging behaviors or exclude her from events involving eating. Express appreciation for your friend's inner qualities. Learn about eating disorders and the services available for treatment. Inform your friend where to go for help.
Get support for emotions that you experience (impatience, frustration, anger, helplessness, fear.) Take care of yourself. Don't try to change your friend's eating or exercising behavior or try to fix her problems. Eating disorders rarely have a "quick fix." Remember that the disordered eating is just one part of your friend's life and does not "explain" all of his or her behaviors. Also try to keep in mind that the symptoms of the eating problem will fluctuate over time. Worsening symptoms don't necessarily mean that the person's therapy isn't successful--it could actually indicate the opposite. But if your concern is that your friend's problem is worsening overall, do consider talking to her and getting some help and support for yourself. Helpers need help, too.
Yours truly,
Dr. Cyberviser
Dear Dr. Cyberviser,
I'm wondering if I have a sleep disorder. In high school I got drowsy to the
point where I would be almost dreaming in classes requiring quantitative skill.
I was never tired outside of these classes, but in them I would almost hallucinate
from drowsiness. I'm noticing it happening to me now in quantitative classes
as well. A friend of mine has suggested it may be a defense mechanism. I should
mention I don't like math. Does this sound like anything already documented?
Dear Sleepy,
Your friend may be on to something. Sleep can be a defense against being awake
and coping with undesirable demands. It may be the brain's way of helping
you survive an unpleasant situation. However, it can be caused by many factors.
If you truly find yourself sleepy only in classes with quantitative
subjects, then the problem seems more likely to be related to this issue.
You may want to come to the College Counseling Center to explore this further.
It's often helpful to discuss these complex issues with a caring listener.
You may also want to visit a few websites on the subject of sleep listed at the Student Counseling Virtual Pamphlet. You'll find a wealth of information on many topics related to college student issues.
Good luck,
Dr. Cyberviser
Dear Dr. Cyberviser,
If I wanted to get tested for ADD around here, where would I do that?
Thanks.
Dear ADD Questioner,
A preliminary and initial screening for ADD can be done by the staff in The
Counseling Center on campus, 247 West Lorain Street, Suite D. Call x58470
to schedule an appointment. I suggest contacting either Zev Golberg (440-960-3781)
or Ron Ringenbach (216-556-0417) for a more complete assessment of ADD.
Dr. Cyberviser
Stressful Relationship with Mother
Dear Dr. Cyberviser,
I am a second year student with a tearful and confusing relationship with
my mother. It has always been just her and me, and we are very close (though
not necessarily in healthy ways). I have always been trying to break away
from her, probably being overwhelmed by her intense focus on the importance
of how I live my life. Every time I have gone home to visit since I left for
college, I have been kicked out or have been given an ultimatum that made
it extremely uncomfortable for me to continue living there. Over winter term
I lived with friends and I believe had a nervous breakdown due to this, almost
not knowing how to come back to school. One of my mother's number one complaints
is that I am selfish and ungreatful for everything she has done for me, and
my solution to this (right or wrong) has been to try to take nothing from
her but still interact with her, showing her that I want her in my life even
though I am no longer taking. I am sure this problem sound s rather menial,
but as I grew up in a single daughter, single mother family, my mother is
incredibly important in my life and there is a lot of pain between her and
me.
I am now paying for college myself, and ask her for no assistance (since I have learned that she uses assistance as a tool and I cannot rely on it), making things RELATIVELY peaceful, but stressful for me financially. There are many things I cannot even ask her advice on because her solution would be for her to assume control over certain aspects of my life, and if I say "no thank you" she is hurt and painful issues come up again. Basically what I am trying to say is that I am currently very financially frightened, and also feel like I'm walking a tightrope to keep from hurting my mother even more. I feel unjustified in my desire for independence, even though I know that I cannot count on dependence from her. I feel that as she says, this is all my fault and I am imagining tension between us, and due to my silliness I deserve to struggle financially. I wish I had a parent so that if I make a mistake I am not out of college and on the streets, but since I don't have that I guess I am really looking for some support and some assistance in financial planning.
Sorry I am so long-winded; I have never tried to sit down and write out the
source of my stress and confusion.
Stressed and Confused
Dear Stressed and Confused,
Dr. Cyberviser is saddened to hear about your tearful and confusing relationship
with your mother and of all the negative effects that it is having on you.
It sounds as though your relationship with your mother means very much to
you, even though she has said and done many things that have hurt you deeply.
In exchange for "relative" peace you have taken full responsibility and made
many financial and emotional sacrifices that have caused an immense amount
of stress in your life.
In terms of financial assistance, I suggest contacting the Financial Aid Office by email at financial.aid@oberlin.edu, or by telephone x58142. At this office, you can arrange to meet with a financial counselor to advise you on money matters particular to your situation. Although being financially independent is one way of handling the situation, Dr. Cyberviser wonders if there are any other ways. You have tried different ways of communicating with your mother with little success. Dr. Cyberviser wonders whether the two of you might consider family therapy as a way to begin to talk about painful issues more constructively? If you and your mother are agreeable to therapy, it might provide you with an opportunity to voice your feelings and issues to each other. The therapist's role is to help you both feel heard and understood.
Dr. Cyberviser does not know your mother's past and current life issues. If your mother is not open to family therapy at this time, it may be due to her own hurt and pain (past and current) that she may not want to deal with. If your mother refuses to go to therapy with you or make changes in herself, individual therapy for you may help you cope with the hurt, pain, and stress. It can also provide you with support that your mother may not be willing or able to give at this time. Sometimes in relationships if one individual gets support in dealing with difficult feelings, communication patterns improve. The improvement occurs because at least one member of the party involved isn't stuck in communicating from a place of anger, hurt, and resentment. Therapy can also help you strengthen your boundaries with your mother so that even if the relationship does not change, it will no longer be so draining or distressing. Please call the Counseling Center (x58470) if you would like to set up an appointment.Also don't underestimate support from other resources such as---friends, professors, relatives etc.
All this talk of therapy and support is hoping that you might begin to heal the hurt and pain within yourself and in your relationship with or without your mother's involvement and support. It is also hoped that an improved relationship might open up a way to having your mother provide emotional and/or financial assistance from a place of support that feels good to you. In any event, your resilience and strength for taking full responsibility for your life and your relationship with your mother is admirable.
Dr. Cyberviser wishes you well in the hopes that you find the emotional and financial support that you need.
Best regards,
Dr. Cyberviser
Dear Dr. Cyberviser,
I feel like I'm going to be single forever. I would like to be in a relationship, but it seems like it's never going to happen. I'm not really unattractive or a boring person to be around, but I think it's because I'm afraid of reaching out to people. Although I'd like to be affectionate with people and flirtatious, there is something inside that stops me from doing it. I also feel like I just don't show a lot of emotion most of the time. I don't know why that is. I think it might be because I had a pretty hard childhood, and now it's difficult to show emotion to people. Or it might just be my personality. Either way I feel frustrated because I don't know if I can be that kind of person. I also feel like there's this societal pressure on girls to be flirtatious and giggly all the time, and because I'm not that kind of person, I'm always single. I'm kind of sick of this situation, I feel lonely, and I don't know how to start reaching out to people, or to have more guys be interested in me. I also feel like everyone already has a set idea of what kind of person I am, so if I suddenly changed and started being more outgoing and flirtatious, it would be weird.
What can I do?
Dear What can I do?,
You show that you have a lot of ideas and insights about what might be going on with you in this area of life, and certainly some understanding of the many difficulties that go into both being single and being in relationships with others. A lot of people feel lonely when single and struggle to connect with others in a romantic or intimate way. Even with some clues about what might be making it especially hard, though, it can still very often be tricky and seemingly unworkable. The practicalities are sometimes hard--meeting others with like interests and values--but how much more this process entails when we are filled with doubts about ourselves as interesting and attractive to others.
You're quite right when you suggest that childhood experiences can continue to have an influence over later life. Whether it's experiencing a problematic relationship between parents or with one or the other parent, oneself, or some other relational challenges that occurred in the past, it can be difficult, sometimes, to know how to be close to people in healthy, satisfying ways. Perhaps friendships work out well enough, but dating or more ongoing relationships remain frustratingly out of reach. It could also be, as you yourself wonder about, that there's an element of gender-based social pressure at play, here, as well as the strain of worrying that your emotional expression should be other than it is, and those things are contributing to making this hard. Whichever one or more of these things may be responsible for your struggle, it's certainly clear that it's a complex picture that deserves some time and attention.
As you demonstrate, getting from the one place to the other in this process can be really hard, even with some idea of what might be contributing to the problem. When a situation is at all complex, it can be a good idea to talk it out with someone else, particularly a counselor. That person is trained to help you look at the big picture and small details at the same time, to serve as a consultant to you in figuring out how to work through this issue and move ahead with your goals, and to be a source of support, information, and resources through the process. If you're an Oberlin student, the Counseling Center is a place to start. If you're a student at another college, check out the counseling center at your school. And bravo for reaching out for help. Sometimes half the battle in dealing with a problem is knowing when you've done all you can on your own and then finding what more you need out in the world.
Best,
Dr. Cyberviser
Dear Dr. Cyberviser,
I'm just starting my sophomore year here, and I'm having some serious anxiety problems. I'm hoping they may pass in time (at the start of my first year, I was quite depressed for the first 2-3 weeks here, but it improved after that) but I'm worried about how to cope in the mean time. I have a single room, which I like but I fear it may be adding to my anxiety since it allows me to avoid interaction, letting my mind exaggerate how stressful talking to anyone at all really is.
The anxiety is bad enough that it interferes with my life - I am a dining-only
member of a co-op, but they are so informal that I'm told I should "just
show up." I walk over around mealtimes, but I get so nervous that
even if I had the courage to go inside, which I don't, I would feel too sick
to eat. Instead I just walk by and go back to my room.
I've never had many friends, and I've often been lonely throughout my life. But
I always at least had pseudofriends, people I could sit with at meals and so
forth, plus I am very close to my family which makes up for a lot. Here
I am apart from my family, apart from my boyfriend, and I have no friends here. I
made only one friend last year, and that didn't end up so well - we hardly
spoke for the whole spring semester (his choice, not mine).
It's been suggested before that I may have a relatively mild case of social
anxiety disorder. I've never been on medication for it, and I prefer
it that way, but I know that this is ridiculous and I can't live like this. Even
if this does pass in time, what can I do in the meantime? I have no
friends here, and I feel terrible telling my parents how unhappy I am at
a place they spend so much to send me. My brother and my boyfriend
listen patiently, but can't really offer anything but ineffective reassurances
(I know THEY like me, it's everyone ELSE that's the problem).
I know I need to learn to manage, but how?
Signed,
Nobody Likes Me
Dear Nobody Likes Me,
It sounds like this loneliness has been a part of your life for some time and
I can appreciate how unhappy you may be. I encourage you to do what
you can to push yourself out of your single room and attempt to interact
with at least one other person daily. You've stated that last year things
improved after a few weeks and that's something to review. How did that change
occur? Did you do anything differently? Was it all the result of external
circumstances? You would likely benefit from a thorough exploration of how
you feel about yourself in relation to others. While this could happen
with friends and family participating in this process, with a therapist may
be most helpful. I suggest you give my friends at the Counseling Center a
call and schedule a meeting to discuss some of these concerns. They
are familiar with these types of issues and are a good resource for exploring
ways to overcome these anxieties.
Good Luck.
Dr Cyberviser
Dear Dr. Cyberviser,
I am a sophomore here at Oberlin College, and although I tried to come back with a more positive outlook on life and I tried to come back here more motivated than last year, I am having problems meeting the demands of daily college life. I suffer from depression, but it has gone untreated for a long time because my family has no money. I am worried because I doubt I will be able to make it through the rest of the year, let alone the rest of college without some help. I fear that I may never get it because of my financial situation, thus I fear for my education and future.
Signed,
Struggling
Dear Struggling,
It sounds as if you're ready to explore some of the blocks
to enjoying success at college, but are worried about the expense. The Oberlin
College Counseling Center has some excellent psychologists with whom you
can meet at no charge. They are employed by the college for the purpose of
helping with the very type of conditions you have described in your e-mail.
You can meet with one of them in confidence and discuss whatever you feel
may be important in figuring out solutions to your problems. Please give
their office a call (775-8470) and the secretary will schedule an appointment
for you. They can help you figure out some ways to get back on track and
enjoy your work and life again. If needed, they can also connect you with
other resources to help get things sorted out so that you can become successsful
in your goals. You can find out more about the Counseling Center on their
web page at http://www.oberlin.edu/counsel
Good Luck.
Dr Cyberviser
Dear Dr. Cyberviser,
I'm a freshman here and have had some really depressive moods that are on and off this whole semester... feels bipolar because for a couple of weeks I'm SO happy then other weeks I'm the most depressed I've ever been. I was wondering if there was somebody I could come into and talk to... or is there an appointment I need to make since there's no emergency? And it looks like I would have to pay for that? What would the fee be?
Signed,
Depressed Freshman
Dear Depressed Freshman,
I'm sorry to hear that you have been struggling with erratic moods. There could be any number of reasons why you're experiencing depression, and whether or not you are suffering from Bipolar Mood Disorder is something that should be discussed with a professional.
My friends at the Counseling Center can provide a good place for you to start exploring your concerns. Making an appointment is as easy as picking up the telephone. Office hours are Monday through Friday, 8:30 a.m. to 4:30 p.m., with the exception of the lunch hour. Their friendly office staff will work to find a time that accommodates your class schedule. Additionally, Counseling Center services are available to you at no charge. Call 775-8470 today to get your spring semester off on a good start.
Dr Cyberviser