1)It is best to take some time off and work inthe "real world"; and
2) it is best to go straight through, because once you leave school you'll
never go back.
Although I am somewhat burned out in terms of school, I do not want to get
out of the routine. What would you suggest?
Sincerely,
Academically Ambivalent
Graduate school can be a big step, and it is important to clarify what you want both personally and professionally. There are several reasons why graduate school is different from undergraduate study, perhaps one of the most significant being that you are taking classes in your chosen field of study only. Also graduate school is somewhat more focused, and several of the students in your program will likely be people who have taken time off to start families or pursue professional development in the "real world."
Most information that you request from prospective graduate schools will likely have a profile that includes demographics on the "average" student. It is important to select a program where you think you will be comfortable enough to devote a considerable amount of time and energy to your course work and working with your classmates. A helpful web site is www.petersons.com. It enables you to look at graduate schools based on field of study and/or geographic region. It also lists contact numbers and general demographics of the campus in question.
Taking time off is the second option you mentioned. If you have confidence in your ability to take a break and return to school after that break, and this is something you want to do, then it seems a perfectly acceptable course of action. Sometimes working in the field can change your perspective and clarify your professional goals. It also gives you some feel of what it is really like "out there." One factor you may want to consider is your financial resources (although some doctoral programs offer paid tuition for teaching and research assistants). Additional Financial Aid is available, but often comes in the form of loans. As a graduate student you are unable to receive federal Pell grants. Some programs offer a "part-time" route where you can take classes in the evenings and on the weekends, which allows you to work and go to school at the same time. While this option may seem attractive, the stress from school, work, and everyday life can build up and it is important to know your personal limits. Some students put unnecessary pressure on themselves with statements like "I have to have my Ph.D. by the age of 30." While it seems arbitrary, the expectations we set are certainly factors to consider.
All things considered, I would say the best course of action is to talk to someone you trust and respect in your field. Ask this person's advice and be honest with your feelings about school. If you still feel ambivalence about school, the staff at the Counseling Center may be of assistance in helping you sort through your goals and feelings. From there you can make plans about your future that will be conducive to your professional and personal aspirations.
Respectfully,
Dr. Cyberviser
Aimless
Dear Dr. Cyberviser,
I am a sophomore here at Oberlin, and I am feeling a remarkable amount of
pressure (from my parents, friends and relatives) about picking a major. Several
of my friends came to college knowing what they wanted to study, but I feel
like I came to college because I really had no other option. Now, I have to
make a decision that will impact the rest of my life, and I have no clue where
to turn. Could you please provide me with some direction?
Sincerely,
Aimless
Dear Aimless,
It sounds like you are having a really tough time choosing what to study.
In addition, there seems to be several external pressures that may be making
your life a little more stressful (not to mention trying to find time to study
and be a college student.) While you are bound by certain time constraints
in terms of choosing your major, it is important to realize that you can change
your mind. It is also important to remember that just because you are majoring
in a field does not mean you will spend the rest of your career in that field.
It is very likely (especially in today's society) that you will change jobs
at least once. Personally, Dr. Cyberviser knows art majors who went on to
become psychologists, philosophy majors who became lawyers, and education
majors who went into business. You should not feel stifled by your major.
Perhaps it would be best for you to review the classes that you have already
taken, and reflect on how the material felt for you. Did you enjoy the work?
Were you interested in the reading? Perhaps you could speak to the professor
and find out what "work" in that field looks like. If all else fails, or you
simply want some objective feedback, the Counseling Center has an interest
survey (The Campbell Interest and Skill Survey) available that may be helpful
in giving you some direction in your career search. Good luck.
Sincerely,
Dr. Cyberviser
Frustrated and Tired
Dr. Cyberviser,
This year I joined a new sports team because I wasn't interested in playing
the sports I played in high school. However, since joining this team, I have
found that I am the slowest. In high school, I was one of the better players.
How can I deal with the frustration that comes with being not as good as others
on the team?
Thanks,
Frustrated and Tired
Dear Frustrated and Tired,
I'm sorry to hear things haven't quite worked out the way you'd hoped they
would. Getting excited about participating in a new sport, only to find that
your skills don't quite measure up, is disappointing. I'm wondering how other
areas of your life are going relative to this specific disappointment. Sometimes
people overgeneralize from a specific shortcoming to feeling generally inadequate
or flawed as a person. It's bad enough to find we have limited abilities in
one area of our life, but when we overly focus our attention on this area
and ignore all other dimensions of our life, it can REALLY get us down.
With all the complexities of being a college student, it would be perfectly
understandable if this disappointment has become a challenge to your self-esteem.
My friends at the Counseling Center have lots of experience helping college
students explore these issues and gain new perspectives and self-acceptance.
I suspect that as other areas of your life reward you, your focus on this
disappointment will diminish. If things continue to feel frustrating, you
may want to contact the Center for support and further exploration.
Another thing you might consider is the fact that your enjoyment of participating
in sports may not need to come from the competition aspect of it. For example,
some people participate in sports for the sense of community and friendship
with teammates. Others play sports to find ways to exercise regularly. It
may be disappointing that your ability may not measure up to your teammates,
but there may be other reasons to stick with the team.
Hang in there and remember to pay attention to the areas of your life where
you are coping well and are being successful, as well as those areas that
continue to need improvement.
Good luck!
Dr. Cyberviser
No Longer a Procrastinator
Dear Dr. Cyberviser,
I'm just writing to thank you for your recommendations. I wrote to you way back in February (The Procrastinator), and found your advice about dealing with my procrastination helpful. I bought the books you recommended and they were a big help to me during this whole semester. I have to say this is one of the best semesters I have had academically, and a big part has been my efforts towards doing my work on time. Thanks again for the suggestions!
Sincerely,
No Longer A Procrastinator
Dear No Longer A Procrastinator,
Thank you for the update. It sounds like you have really done some things
to change your approach to your work this semester. You can take great pride
in knowing that your hard work has paid off. Be sure to find some time to
relax and enjoy your successes.
Continued good luck,
Dr. Cyberviser
Unmotivated
Dr. Cyberviser,
I used to be a relatively good student. Lately, however, I can not motivate
myself to even go to class. I am doing very poorly in my classes, and I don't
want to fail, but I just can't convince myself to go to class. I can't really
talk to my friends about this, because they always go to class, and are doing
well. I don't know what's wrong with me. Please give me some suggestions.
What can I do?
Signed,
Unmotivated
Dear Unmotivated:
I can tell that you are feeling distressed about not attending classes, but
it is encouraging that you do not want to fail. Your determination is the
best way to begin focusing on the situation. You say that you have been a
relatively good student up until now, so you may want to examine what is happening
in your life that may be troubling you and interfering with your motivation.
Likewise, consider all of your obligations this semester. Have you tackled
so much that you are overwhelmed by a sense that you can't get everything
done? If you are working at a job to help meet expenses, are you putting in
so many hours that you don't have the energy to deal with the classes because
of fatigue? Or have you become disenchanted with your major or career goals?
These are all factors that can affect motivation, so reflect on them as possible
contributors to your current situation.
There is not a ready-made remedy for a lack of motivation, but perseverance
and a positive outlook are critical--traits that need to be developed from
within. Though Dr. Cyberviser cannot instill in you the spark to rekindle
that motivational flame, there are some ideas that might contribute to turning
your dilemma around. They all involve staying focused, staying energized,
and staying on target. Motivated people are clear about what drives them,
what they want to do, where they want to go, etc. They have a clear purpose;
set high standards for themselves; work hard; take risks; and set-up rewards
for themselves.
Clear goals that can motivate you might include occupational plans and aspirations;
personal interests; and a clear understanding of your values and lifestyle.
Being clear about these areas will release energy and excitement about academics,
extracurricular activities, friends, and working relationships that can help
you remain focused and make progress.
Being adaptable to change is also important to keep motivation at a high level.
It means you are having experiences which raise useful questions and that
you are open to experiences and trying to profit from them.
In addition, self-confidence is a strong motivator--a sense that you can do
what you set out to do, influence others, and have an impact on events. If
you feel you lack confidence, it may mean you haven't learned to persist when
you run into roadblocks. This isn't laziness on your part--it's not having
learned to tolerate frustration.
Here are some concrete suggestions which might help you regain your motivation
for school:
Finally, it is important to keep in mind the various campus resources related
to the issues of academics and motivation. I would encourage you to make appointments
at either the Counseling Center (x8470) or Student Academic Services (X8464)
or both to see how these offices can help you with these issues.
Good luck to you,
Dr. Cyberviser
"V" Question
Dear Dr. Cyberviser:
I was wondering if you could tell me what the "V" in the DSM's V-Codes stands for or represents?
Thank you.
Dear "V" Question:
I can't find a definition for what the V in V-Codes stands for. I don't think it actually is an abbreviation for anything. It appears that all non-clinical conditions or "conditions not attributible to a mental disorder that are a focus of attention or treatment" are classified as "V" codes. If the letter is an abbreviation for something I don't know what it is .
You appear to have stumped Dr. Cyberviser!
Jittery
Dr. Cyberviser,
I wake up nearly every morning feeling a bit anxious and jittery. Once I am
up and get ready to go to class, I seem to be okay. Sometimes these jittery
feelings return at other times during the day. I can't figure out how to get
rid of them. My roommate and I have talked about this, and she tells me that
she gets these same feelings sometimes. We are both first year Oberlin students,
and were good students in high school. College has been a big change for us,
especially me. We both have computers, which we spend a lot of time with,
we both love to socialize (we keep our door open a lot), and we both try to
study in our room. It seems like everything is basically okay, yet I find
myself still feeling nervous in the mornings. I would like to get a sense
of peacefulness to start my day. How do I do that?
Signed,
Jittery
Dear Jittery,
Thank you for your question. It sounds like you have a good understanding
of your emotions, and that in most ways you are adjusting to college life.
It is true that your first year in college is full of new challenges. Perhaps
sharing a room or living in a hall with 30 or more students is a new experience
for you. Academic demands at the college level certainly can require more
study time, more scheduling, and greater attention to detail. Distractions
may also be more demanding and even more exciting. You might want to remember
that all of these changes can add up, and it might be that you need to do
some reassessing of your priorities to notice the impact your activities are
having on your physical and emotional systems.
One recommendation I might offer, with respect to your search for "peacefulness,"
might be leaving yourself some alone time each day. Finding a quiet place
to be alone to study can be important, but finding time to just be alone and
relax inside yourself a bit more could be very helpful in achieving inner
peace. Many people suggest that starting your day with brief meditation, a
relaxation exercise, deep breathing, or simply sitting quietly will put you
in a proper frame of mind to start your day in a relaxed state. You might
even think of joining or starting a meditation/relaxation group on campus.
It sounds to me like you are on the right track and are becoming aware of
your changing needs. Keep looking at ways to tinker with your everyday life
choices, be aware of overload, and be willing to shift and sort what really
matters to you and your good health. It seems these changes might help provide
a sense of well-being, centeredness, and balance in your life.
Dr. Cyberviser
Ready to Scream
Dear Dr. Cyberviser,
I really like my roommate, but she is driving me crazy!
When we first moved in, things were great. Since then, she has been leaving her stuff all over, forgetting to give me my phone messages, and borrowing my cd's without asking. I've tried to not let it bother me, but after 2 months of this, I don't know what else to do. She's really nice, and I don't want to make her mad at me or to hurt her feelings.
Signed,
Ready to Scream
Dear Ready to Scream,
Your problem might be expected when 2 (or more) people are asked to live in
a small space, but there are ways to effectively deal with it. The problem
may lie in communication issues. Have you and your roommate discussed both
your expectations for common living space, borrowing each other's belongings,
etc? Another communication issue is being able to talk to your roommate using
"I" statements, such as, "I don't mind your using my cd's,
but would like you to ask me first," rather than saying, "You're
such a jerk for taking my cd's."
Communication issues such as the above may be all you need to resolve the problem. However, your fear about making her angry may be the central issue. One useful way to think about this is to imagine a continuum ranging from passive, assertive, and aggressive behaviors. You may have been reacting to your roommate in a passive way, i.e. not sharing your feelings with her and letting her decide how to treat you. One way to think about passive, assertive, and aggressive is that passive people let others decide, aggressive people decide for others, and assertive people decide for themselves and let others decide for themselves. A helpful book to read is by Alberti, called Your Perfect Right.
Best of luck to you in resolving the situation.
Dr. Cyberviser
Concerned and Cautious
Dr. Cyberviser,
I'm worried about my friend. She has started to be very picky about food and
overly concerned about her weight. She frequently skips meals and has started
working out like she's training for the Olympics. When I try to bring it up
she makes a joke or changes the subject. I know if she has an eating disorder
that it could be really serious. What do you think I should I do?
Signed,
Concerned and Cautious
Dear Concerned and Cautious,
Confronting a friend about behavior that you think might be unhealthy or unsafe
can be extremely difficult. There are a few things, though, that you can do
to help your friend and express your concerns to her. Initially, it is important
to plan how you will discuss your concerns. Pick a quiet place, free of distractions,
in an environment where your friend can feel safe to respond honestly. For
example, making comments to her when other friends are around is likely to
lead to her need to be defensive. This is not very useful and can start to
put strain on your friendship.
Secondly, always use "I" messages that express your concerns about specific
behaviors or changes such as, "I'm worried when I see you (exercising three
times a day, criticizing your appearance, withdrawing into your room), and
I would like to help." Make it clear that you are approaching her out of concern.
A third thing you can do is to show caring, support, and continued friendship
by listening and attempting to understand your friend's perceptions about
the situation, both now and later. Refrain from judging, criticizing, analyzing,
making light of the problem, making comments about weight or appearance, or
giving advice like, "you are thin enough!" You might offer to support or accompany
your friend in seeking professional assistance (such as The Counseling Center,
x8470) if she is willing to go. Many times calling to make an appointment
with a friend in the room or having someone go along to the first appointment
can make it easier for people who are feeling uncomfortable.
Finally, and possibly most importantly, Dr. Cyberviser would suggest that
you get support for the emotions that you experience (impatience, frustration,
anger, helplessness, fear.) Take care of yourself. Don't try to change your
friend's eating or exercising behavior ( like hiding certain foods), or try
to fix her problems. Eating disorders rarely have a "quick fix." Remember
that the disordered eating is just one part of your friend's life and does
not "explain" all of her behaviors. You can expect your friend might deny
that there is a problem. People often experience eating disorders as shameful,
embarrassing, and hard to acknowledge. Simply state that you are still concerned
about what you've observed. If your friend does not respond or seek help immediately,
you still have done your part. She may seek help in the future.
The staff at The Counseling Center tells me that you also can choose to use
the Center for consultation. You could call or schedule an appointment with
a counselor to discuss the best way to approach your friend. The Center is
also offering an Eating Disorders group this semester and your friend could
find excellent support in the group (if in fact she does have an eating disorder).
My last suggestion is to check out the Counseling Center's
web page section on eating disorders and related issues for more information.
Take care of yourself, and I hope you can find a way to speak with your friend.
Dr. Cyberviser
Concerned Friend
Dr. Cyberviser,
My best friend is a student at Oberlin. She really wants to talk with a professional
about the depression she is experiencing. However, she is very afraid and
embarrassed to take the first step towards getting help. What is the least
painful way for her to get started in some kind of counseling?
Signed,
Concerned Friend
Dear Concerned Friend,
I am heartened to hear that you are supportive of your best friend's willingness
to seek counseling and finding the least painful way for her take the first
step. In my experience I find that most students feel a little anxious the
first time they see a counselor. One of the most difficult steps in overcoming
emotional distress or a problem occurs before someone even sees a counselor
for the first time. Deciding to seek counseling is the first step in solving
difficulties. A lot of people would view this as courageous. My friends at
the Counseling Center tell me that in their experience they have found that
one big factor that adds to people's fears about counseling is a lack of knowledge
about what takes place during the first and subsequent sessions. Sharing with
your friend some basic information about what to expect may be extremely helpful
in lessening her fears about seeking counseling.
Here at the Counseling Center, we request that students call or stop by our
offices in 205 Peters Hall to make an appointment to talk with a counselor.
On a student's first visit they will be asked to fill out some paperwork and
will visit with a counselor for about 50 minutes. Students don't have to worry
about costs, as counseling and psychological services are paid for through
student tuition fees, and even though most student concerns require only a
few session, students may have up to 8 visits per academic year. In the beginning
stage of counseling, a counselor will ask your friend about her concerns to
gain a deeper understanding of her and her issues. Your friend can expect
that she will do most of the talking and that her counselor will be someone
who is interested in listening to your friend's concerns without judgment.
As counseling proceeds, trust between your friend and her counselor will build
and a working partnership will be developed. Using a variety of approaches,
your friend's counselor will help her to explore her feelings, make her own
decisions, and resolve her concerns. What your friend talks about with a counselor
is confidential. Her parents or professors will not be informed about what
she discusses during sessions or even about the fact that she's in counseling.
If your friend is still feeling afraid and embarrassed about meeting with
a counselor for the first time after you have shared this information with
her, you may want to offer her your willingness to be at her side when she
calls or stops by to arrange for her first appointment. Also, accompanying
your friend to her first visit may help reduce some of her nervousness. Some
students have felt great comfort when a supportive person sits in on a portion
of the first meeting with their counselor.
Dr. Cyberviser wishes you well in helping your friend transition into counseling.
Sincerely,
Dr. Cyberviser
Concerned Friend
II
Dear Dr. Cyberviser,
I have a question concerning what to do to help a friend of mine.
This person is extremely paranoid about what others think about him to the point that he will read all sorts of things that make no sense into just about any social situation he's in. This has caused him to completely isolate himself from all his friends. I have also just learned that he recently began engaging in extremely unhealthy behaviors that could pose a considerable risk to him. He has no common sense whatsoever and extremely poor judgement. I doubt if he sees the danger in what he's doing. Many of us have been worried about him for quite some time now (the past two years or so) and urged him to get help. He has been talking to a therapist, but being a psychology/neuroscience major here at the college, I don't believe he is getting the help he needs because his social functioning has continued to deteriorate. The problem is further confounded by the facts that 1) it's only in social situations that his problems fully reveal themselves, making it hard to assess and help them in a clinical setting, 2) he doesn't realize how badly he needs help and therefore would not tell any clinician everything he/she needs to know, 3) he can get extremely angry for no reason (part of the paranoia), so telling him these things could make him worse.
Because he has alienated all of his friends by assuming they all have alterior motives in what they say and that none of us like him, there is nobody very close to him. I have tried to be as supportive as I can, but I only see and talk to him very rarely anymore. I'm just wondering what I should do to help him. He is very bad about taking initiative and getting things done, and so I feel like the only way he is going to get the help he needs is if someone does it for him.
Sorry for the long question, and thanks for you help.
Dear Concerned Friend,
It sounds like your friend is in a great deal of distress. I can appreciate
your frustration and feelings of helplessness as you witness him going through
such a difficult time. I'm glad to hear that he is already in psychotherapy.
Although you have questions about whether or not his therapy is helping, it
is important to remember that psychotherapy is not a quick fix. Your friend
may be dealing with issues that will take an extended period of time and effort
before he realizes the full benefit from his work. If you have concerns that
your friend's behavior has deteriorated to a point where he is a danger to
himself, it is possible for you to contact his therapist and share this information
with him or her. His therapist cannot, of course, share any information about
your friend's treatment, (or even the fact that you friend is in treatment),
but if you know the name of his therapist you can contact that person and
pass on any information that you think might be helpful for his therapist
to know.
Dr. Cyberviser also suggests that you also take good care of yourself and get support as you move through your own feelings of frustration, helplessness and fear. Remember that you can use the Counseling Center to consult further on your questions. You can call and schedule an appointment with a counselor to discuss the best ways to deal with your concerns about your friend.
Sincerely,
Dr. Cyberviser
Another Concerned Friend
Dr. Cyberviser,
I have a friend who seems to be very depressed and I want to help her. I have
talked to her about going to the Counseling Center and talking to someone,
but she keeps on putting it off. What can I do to get her to go and talk to
a professional?
Signed,
Concerned Friend
Dear Concerned Friend,
It sounds like you are very concerned about your friend, and are very frustrated
that she isn't taking the steps to get the help she needs. Here are a few
suggestions for you:
One of the first things you can do is to express your concerns to your friend
and to let her know specifically what troubles you. For example, someone who
feels depressed often:
If you see these or other signs in your friend, communicating this to her
may be very supportive as you are affirming that you care for her and giving
her feedback on her behavior. It also opens up the possibility for her to
express her own feelings and concerns about how she is doing. Listen to what
she has to say about these signs of depression and let her know that you feel
concerned about these issues as well.
After your friend had some time to talk to you about her concerns, ask her
if she has thoughts about going to the Counseling Center. People sometimes
react negatively to this suggestion out of embarrassment, or feel scared that
they are "really crazy." Reassure her that you do not feel this way, but that
you feel concerned about her and would like to see her get some help. It is
all right to let your friend know how you are being affected by her pain.
You might be feeling scared for her, or you may be feeling sad that your friend
is hurting. It can sometimes be helpful to let your friend know that this
is the way that you are feeling and this is why you would like to see her
get some help. Support and encouragement are most important.
Sometimes people feel anxious about going to the Counseling Center. One thing
that can be very helpful is to offer to go with your friend. Let her know
that you would be willing to go with her to the Counseling Center and to wait
for her while she attends her first appointment. This can help your friend
to not feel so alone, and help her deal with the anxiety that she may be feeling
about the first appointment.
These are a few ideas that may be helpful in talking with your friend about
coming to the Counseling Center. Dr. Cyberviser would like you to know that
the Counseling Center is located on the 2nd floor of Peters Hall (205), and
the telephone number is 775-8470. The Counseling Center has staff on-call
during the day and they are available for consultation. If the suggestions
identified above do not work, Dr. Cyberviser would encourage you to call the
Counseling Center to consult with a staff member about how to address this
issue further.
Dr. Cyberviser can hear your concern and believes that your expression of
caring is what your friend will hear and respond to.
Good luck,
Dr. Cyberviser
Helper 1
Dr. Cyberviser,
I have a friend who is in a relationship, but he doesn't want to be in it
anymore. I have told him to break it off with her, but he said that he doesn't
want to hurt her. He is in love with someone else. The person he is in love
with is also in love with him. What advice could you give to me for both him
and the person he is in love with?
Signed,
Helper1
Dear Helper1,
Dr. Cyberviser believes that you are a good and thoughtful friend to be concerned
about the choices your friend is making in his love life. It is sometimes
hard to watch friends do things or make decisions that seem to cause them
pain and problems. I can understand why you want to help resolve this situation.
Often, people don't share their opinions or feelings for fear that they will
end up hurting another person. Unfortunately, many times the other person
ends up feeling more hurt than she or he would have if the person had been
up front from the beginning. While it is difficult to say something that you
know is not what someone wants to hear and will probably be hurtful, it is
also often an effective way of avoiding future hurt, betrayal and disappointment.
The truth often has a way of coming out one way or another. It would be better
for her to hear about his feelings from him rather than from someone else.
The woman your friend is dating may end up feeling foolish and betrayed when
she discovers that her partner has not been honest about his feelings.
My advice is that your friend try to talk to his girlfriend and tell her how
he feels. Try to do this in as kind and gentle a way as possible. It may also
be tempting to break up with her but not tell her about the other person.
One of the things most people want to know when a relationship breaks up is
to understand "why." Again even though this may seem hurtful, most people
appreciate honesty and truth over deceit and insincerity. Due to the stress
of the holidays, the end of the semester and finals approaching, this may
be a difficult time for your friend to talk to his girlfriend. If his girlfriend
has a supportive family or friends, hopefully she can gain some comfort from
them.
However, if your friend continues to not want to share his feelings with her,
Dr. Cyberviser suggests that you respect his decision and try to support him
as best you can. He will address this issue when he feels ready to do so and,
in the meantime, you can be a listening ear and a support for him. Sometimes
people only "think about" doing something in preparation for actually doing
it. He may need some more time to prepare for this difficult situation. Give
him the time that he needs.
I wish you and your friend well during this difficult process.
Dr. Cyberviser
Wake-up Caller
Dr. Cyberviser,
My friend is never able to wake up for classes anymore. She doesn't hear her
alarm or the phone when I call to wake her up. She lives too far away for
me to personally wake her up, but I'm afraid she'll fail her classes. What
can I do?
Dear Wake-up Caller,
Taking responsibility for meeting our day-to-day obligations is an important
maturation process. The college years often are the arena for testing out
important developmental tasks independent of parents and other adult figures
who often have looked out for our interests and well being in the past. Arthur
Chickering, in his book Education and Identity, speaks to the important
personal development which takes place during the college years. Developing
competence, managing emotions, developing autonomy, establishing identity,
interpersonal relationships, developing purpose and integrity are all-important
components required of a maturing adult.
Perhaps your friend would benefit from a close examination at bedtime of what she intends to happen at the appointed hour of waking up and getting out of bed. Sometimes people allow themselves to make a choice about getting up when they are at their most vulnerable state, i.e. when they are sleepy and only half awake. The decision to get up at a particular time often needs to be non-negotiable at wake up time.
The establishment of regular sleep and waking patterns is also an important aid in helping people awaken at a predetermined time. Diet and particularly alcohol, sugar, and caffeine consumption need to be reviewed since all these factors can effect sleep and wake cycles.
If your friend has an extensive history of not waking from sleep independently, then a medical consultation may be in order. In any case, while you're being a good friend to offer help, she will need to find a way of addressing this as an independent adult. In fact, if you assume the task of calling, you might unintentionally even be contributing to the problem. There will be a limit to how much responsibility others will be able to bear for her daily requirements. I hope she
takes action on this problem soon because missing classes and other events important to her may take an unwelcome toll on her goals in life. You or your friend is also welcome to come to the Counseling Center for a consultation as well. I hope things get resolved soon.
Dr. Cyberviser
Coming Out and
Nervous
Dr, Cyberviser,
I am a gay man. I have been thinking of coming out to my parents, but I'm
not sure I'm ready. How do I know if it's the right time to let my parents
know who I really am? It seems like an important thing for me to do, but I
am afraid of how they will react. Also, if I decide to go through with this,
do you have any advice on how to go about it?
Thanks,
Coming Out and Nervous
Dear Coming Out and Nervous,
Coming out to others is a big step, which comes for most people after they
have spent some time getting comfortable with their own feelings about being
gay. Usually it is a good idea to come out first to people who are most likely
to be accepting and affirming. I don't know if you have come out to other
gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender individuals, but it can be very helpful
to have a support system of other GLBT's to help decrease your feelings of
isolation. It is very important that you pay attention to your own timetable
in deciding to come out to others. I hope that you don't make the decision
to come out because you believe you should, but that you come out only when
you feel confident in your identity and have assessed the risks involved.
This is particularly important when coming out to parents, who may sometimes
resort to responding by cutting off emotional and financial support. If you
think this is a possibility in your case, you may want to make sure that you
are self-supporting and have a strong enough system of emotional support to
sustain you through this process. Of course, most families don't respond this
harshly, but it is important for you to assess your own situation, as you
are the person who can best predict your parents' reactions.
Once you have made the decision to come out, there are a few suggestions I would make to help the process go as smoothly as possible.
Remember that it is your decision who to come out to. You don't need to come out to everyoneÑonly the people who are an important enough part of your life that you want to share personal information with. Never use coming out as a weapon. Coming out is a gift you give to another person which communicates that you care enough to share a significant part of your life with them.
Hope all goes well, and keep in mind the supportive resource of the Counseling Center if you would like to discuss these issues with a staff member.
Dr. Cyberviser
Feeling the Pressure
Dr. Cyberviser,
I am the first person from my family to go to college. My parents are really
clueless about what I do here at Oberlin, and I am finding it very hard to
explain to them how tough it can be just being here sometimes. When I was
at home during the break in December, I was trying to explain how discouraged
I get sometimes with school, and their response was, "Maybe you don't have
the smarts to be at Oberlin." Is there a way to ask for support without getting
this kind of response?
Signed,
Feeling the Pressure
Dear Feeling the Pressure,
It's sometimes hard for parents of first generation college students to believe
that their son or daughter will actually be able to graduate from college.
This fear may be particularly true of the parents of students attending a
highly selective college like Oberlin. The fear that their child will suffer
the disappointment of striving for things beyond their grasp may be associated
with some powerful disappointments in their own lives, but may have very little
or no validity in yours.
It may be important to share more frequently your successes and accomplishments
here at school with your parents . These may be everyday events to you, but
these things could help them have more of a sense of balance for those times
when you are letting them see your frustrations and disappointments. It also
may be helpful to let them know that overall you have confidence that you
will get through college, but at times you need their support and understanding.
To prepare them for these inevitable times, you might add that you realize
there will be failures and "down times" in addition to the successes.
First generation college students will often have a unique set of issues related
to their college experience. Some of these issues might include financial
stressors, the need to work regularly during the school year and breaks, family
pressures regarding choice of academic major, expectations from family that
college students should graduate in four years, and guilt feelings about sacrifices
made by the family to send you to college. Dr. Cyberviser knows that talking
to people who have had similar experiences, and who understand some of these
frustrations, can be extremely helpful. I hear that my friends at the Counseling
Center (X8470) will be offering a support group for first generation college
students during the spring semester. This group will provide a great opportunity
to give and receive support from students with similar experiences to your
own . In addition to the Counseling Center, the staff in the Office of Student
Academic Services (X8542) provides an excellent resource and support for first
generation college students.
I hope you choose to access one of these support resources.
Dr. Cyberviser
Ungrateful Ingrate
Dr. Cyberviser,
My father recently had a procedure to correct a blockage in his heart. This
got me thinking about his death and my responsibility to my mother when he
is gone. I feel guilty because I feel as though I will be spending a lot of
time with her, and my other interests will go neglected. At the same time,
I know that my mother has done many generous things for me, and that she wouldn't
think twice about helping me if I needed it. How can I straighten out my thinking
so that I don't resent the time I spend with my mom?
Signed,
Ungrateful Ingrate
Dear Ungrateful Ingrate,
Dr. Cyberviser sympathizes with your fears and worries. You are afraid that
your father may die, that this will leave your mother alone and in need of
your support, and you worry that this may create a sense of resentment in
you towards your mother. While these fears are real and quite discomforting,
it seems you may be worried about a number of things that have not yet happened.
You may wish to evaluate: how realistic are these fears, how serious is your
father's condition, and how much do you need to prepare for his death? Answers
to these questions will help you to determine where to go from here.
It is easy to become concerned about a loved one's health when they are experiencing
medical problems, which naturally leads to thinking about what it would be
like to lose them. This phenomenon, called anticipatory grief, can be painful
but it can also be helpful. At this time you seem to be experiencing the painful
part, filled with fears, worries, and sadness.
The other side of considering a loved ones death is that it gives us the opportunity
to talk to them, spend time with them, and resolve any old "unfinished business."
We can also talk with other members of the family and get their perceptions
of the situation. You may consider speaking with both of your parents together
and/or separately to talk about your feelings, as well as their thoughts,
feelings and plans. Many people find it quite a relief when another family
member says, "I am really worried about ..." All too often when someone is
seriously ill we do not speak directly and openly about our concerns, which
leads to confusion and unresolved feelings.
Your worries about your mother and your relationship with her are a bit too
far in the future for Dr. Cyberviser to address appropriately. It would be
difficult to predict how your mother might react to the death of your father,
how you will react to her, and how you might work that out. May I suggest
that you address the here- and-now issues of talking to them about what is
happening currently and work to resolve these issues first. This course of
action will open the door to talking with your mother about how she might
cope with your father's death, what you might do to help her, and give you
a chance to think about how to grieve his passing and maintain balance in
your own life . But of course, always remember that your father is living
and you might really profit from sensitively talking with him about what he
is experiencing and providing him with support.
As always, consider counseling if this situation is more complicated than
Dr. Cyberviser is making it sound, if you are confused about how to proceed,
or it seems to be getting worse instead of better.
Good luck,
Dr Cyberviser
Worried Niece
Dr. Cyberviser,
My aunt has been going blind for about a year now due to her diabetes. This
morning my mom called to let me know that she could only see black when she
woke up this morning. Mom says that she is completely distraught. I love my
aunt, as she has always been like another parent to me. I feel terrible. What
can I do to help her in this tough time? She's not a very emotional person
that likes hugs or even to be touched. I really would like to show concern
and help her, but I am not sure what will offend her. I'm sure she won't talk
about it because she isn't that kind of person. Should I follow her lead in
what to do?
Signed,
Worried Niece
Dear Worried Niece,
Your aunt is going through a tremendous adjustment to her life, and you are
right to approach her very respectfully at this time. Initially, there may
be denial as to the extent of the changes required or anger and depression
as she comprehends the reality of her loss, and other medical complications
that may accompany it. Since she has lost control of so much, allow her to
determine the pace at which she allows other people in to support and talk
with her. Also, allow her to determine the kind of help that she wants.
Your aunt appears to be talking to your mother about her situation. One possibility
would be to ask your mother to communicate that you would like to help, and
ask that your aunt inform one of you when she thinks it would be OK. When
this does occur, treat your aunt as normally as possible. Sometimes people
with medical problems become frustrated that others treat them as if they
are "walking on eggshells." Instead, take her lead; talk about whatever fits
the situation and ask her if you are uncertain whether she wants to discuss
a particular topic. By doing this she will feel supported and know that you
care.
Dr. Cyberviser applauds you for taking the time to assess how and when to
help, rather than simply rushing in to "fix" things.
Best Wishes,
Dr. Cyberviser
Sad and Confused
Dear Dr. Cyberviser,
I was wondering if you could help me decide if I need grief counseling. You
see, my grandfather recently died. Aside from a cousin who died almost ten
years ago, my grandfather is the first person who I was close to in my family
who died. I suppose I am doing okay with this, but I keep dwelling on his
death and how I wish I could have spent more time with him. Any help you could
give me would be greatly appreciated.
Signed,
Sad and Confused
Dear Sad and Confused,
Dr. Cyberviser is very sorry to hear about the recent death of your grandfather.
It sounds as if you were close to him which makes it especially difficult.
Dr. Cyberviser also understands that an individual's first experience with
a death of a close relative may be the hardest one of all. I hear you saying
that you are doing okay but at the same time find yourself dwelling on his
death. This experience is a very common reaction to the process of grief.
My friends at the Counseling Center have taught me a lot about the grieving
process and I would like to share with you some of this information with the
hope that it can be as helpful to you as it has been for me.
Grief is a process which involves a variety of feelings, thoughts, behaviors,
and physical sensations. Some of the possible reactions associated with grief
include feelings of sadness, anger, helplessness, shock, numbness, disbelief,
preoccupation, sleep disturbances, and social withdrawal. These are only a
small number of the many possible reactions associated with "normal" grieving.
My pals at the counseling center remind me that people in the grief process
experience some reactions which people might consider to be outside the range
of ordinary experience. They reassure me that this is part of the normal process
of grief and individuals who have experienced the death of a loved one should
be encouraged to think, feel, and act in the way they would like. Another
important piece of information relates to the cycle of grieving. Do not be
surprised if, at certain times, you feel as if you are handling your grandfather's
death very well and then suddenly begin to feel the return of intense feelings.
This again is the natural process of grieving which should not be resisted
or viewed as a "set-back" in the healing process.
All the information that I have presented here can be found in a handout entitled
"Coping With Grief and Loss" which is available in the Counseling Center (205
Peters Hall). In addition to the handout, I also recommend a book entitled
"The Grief Recovery Handbook" by James and Cherry. People can find great comfort
in educating themselves about the grief process. Most times education is only
part of the solution. The other important aspect involves talking to others
about your feelings and experiences. Sometimes this can be especially helpful
when talking to other relatives who knew your grandfather. Also, I want to
remind you that my friends at the Counseling Center would like to be helpful
to you by providing support through this difficult time in your life. Please
call them (x8470) if you would like to know more about some of the services
offered through the Center.
Signed,
Dr. Cyberviser
Afraid Forever?
Dear Dr. Cyberviser,
I recently found out that I got an STD from someone I slept with a few months
ago. I'm definitely going to be more careful from now on. However, now I know
I won't be able to tell a guy that I decide to sleep with that I have this
STD because I'm afraid it will scare him (which it should). This makes me
worry that I won't ever be able to have sex ever again, or at least until
I get married. Please help me figure this out because I'm really scared and
upset.
Signed,
Afraid Forever?
Dear Afraid Forever?
I am sorry to hear about the recent issues you have been struggling with.
Learning that you have acquired a sexually transmitted disease can be upsetting,
and has significant implications for your social relationships. I hear you
mention that you intend to be more careful in the future, which is certainly
a step in the right direction, but there are other issues to consider in addition.
I would like to know how well you are dealing with the news related to getting
an STD. How are you feeling about the issue, and have you found friends with
whom you feel you can talk about these issues and your feelings? Social support
is extremely important in these situations.
Also, it is important that you get as much information about the particular
STD as possible. There are many people who live full and sexually active lives
in the context of having an STD. It is critical that you get the facts about
protecting yourself and others, and learn that contracting an STD need not
mean living a life of sexual abstinence. A few resources that Dr. Cyberviser
can recommend in the area of education include the Sexual Information Center
(x8135) and Student Health (x8180). Also, you might consider making an appointment
to meet with Lori Morgan Flood (x8519), who is our campus health educator
and a very easy person to talk to about these concerns.
You express concerns about how, and if, you should tell new sexual partners
about your STD. These are certainly complicated issues. It is important that
you consider all aspects of the decision, including how your future sexual
partners might feel if they discovered later that you did not tell them about
your STD. Communication is an essential element to any relationship (sexual
or non-sexual). Honest communication can be difficult at times, but it certainly
seems that efforts to be honest are both self-rewarding (i.e. less guilt)
and rewarding to the relationship itself, providing an opportunity for increased
intimacy in the friendship/relationship.
Finally, you mention feeling "really scared and upset," and it is certainly
understandable how you might feel this way. The situation you describe is
complex and it is important for you to decide what is the best solution for
yourself and for future sexual partners. Please consider meeting with someone
in the Counseling Center (x8470), as I know my friends at the Center would
be glad to help you with your concerns.
Good luck and take care of yourself.
Dr. Cyberviser
Am I Crazy?
Dear Dr. Cyberviser,
I recently went to my doctor for several short episodes of difficulty breathing,
faintness, dizziness, sweaty palms, and racing heart. After tests, my doctor
told me that there was nothing physically wrong with me and that I might consider
going to a psychologist.
WhatÕs wrong with me?
Signed,
Am I Crazy?
Dear Am I Crazy?,
No, you are not crazy. It sounds like you might be having some trouble with
panic attacks. Sometimes these attacks are triggered by stress, and sometimes
they happen out of the blue. These attacks are scary, but not life threatening.
A psychologist can help you to deal with and limit the panic attacks. Some
basic skills you might learn are relaxation techniques, and finding possible
triggers of the attacks. Your therapist will help you decide on the best approach.
Sincerely,
Dr. Cyberviser
Boozin' But Not Losin'
Dear Dr. Cyberviser,
This seems to be a pretty different question than it seems you have gotten
in the past, but I have been thinking lately about how often and how much
I drink. I look at my friends and I don't think I drink any more or less than
them, so I don't think it's a problem but how can I know? I know drinking
is often a part of many people's Oberlin experience (parties, the 'Sco etc.)
and I do enjoy going out with my friends; but how do I know how much is too
much?
Sincerely,
Boozin' But Not Losin'
Dear Boozin' But Not Losin',
What you have asked is a very important question and I applaud your willingness
to look at your alcohol consumption to insure it has not started to begin
to be a problem in your life. As you say, many college students here at Oberlin
and at other schools see drinking alcohol as a common part of their social
experience. What is interesting and often not known is that there are a greater
number of students who choose to be alcohol and drug free than you might expect.
A report here at Oberlin by the Alcohol and Drug Task Force in March, 1997
indicated that the perceptions of the use of alcohol and drugs among Oberlin
students was substantially larger than the actual reported use. These results
challenge the notion that "Everybody's doing it." There have also been some
talks recently about the possibility for a substance -free floor or even an
entire substance-free residence hall in the future. These ideas have been
primarily student initiated, which again suggests the differences in the reality
and perceptions of alcohol and drug use at Oberlin.
How does someone decide if their alcohol use has become a problem? Initially,
it's helpful to look at how often drinking is part of your life. Do you drink
daily? Do you find that you drink more drinks than you have planned? Does
it feel impossible to go through a weekend or go to a party and not drink?
When you drink do you usually get drunk? How is your drinking behavior impacting
on other aspects of your life such as relationships and your schoolwork? Have
others made comments to you about your drinking or the ways you act while
drinking? All of these are important questions in the process of stepping
back and looking to see if your alcohol use is recreational or is becoming
a problem for you. I would also like to mention that my friends at the Counseling
Center are participating in the National Alcohol Awareness Screening Day on
Thursday April 8, 1999. This is a great time for all students to take a simple
test to learn more about their drinking habits, and help distinguish between
using alcohol as a recreational drug as opposed to problematic drinking. I
strongly encourage you to stop in during the program on April 8th between
3:30-5:30 in Wilder 101. This will be very helpful to you as you take a look
at your drinking behavior. Thanks again for the important question and be
healthy!
Best Wishes,
Dr. Cyberviser
Confused
Dear Dr. Cyberviser,
My roommate went to the Counseling Center and was told she should make an
appointment with a psychiatrist to discuss antidepressant medication. I thought
the Counseling Center was here to talk about problems - not push drugs. What
gives?
Sign me-
Confused
Dear Confused:
Sometimes students have the blues about life events, the weather, grades,
or interpersonal problems in relationships. These issues usually respond well
to discussion, problem solving, and insight. Counseling may facilitate the
process and be extremely helpful as well.
At times the problems experienced may indicate a clinical depression. Symptoms
of clinical depression include:
Counseling and "talk therapy" can be effective in the treatment of depression
but sometimes a combination of an antidepressant medication and psychotherapy
will produce the best results. This type of medication has few, if any, side
effects for most people, and is usually taken for several months to a year,
depending on the student's situation.
The staff at the Counseling Center supports healthy choices, lifestyle changes,
and changes in behavior as first line attempts to relieve depression. However,
antidepressant medications also may be indicated in certain situations, and
can be life saving in some cases. It is important to keep in mind that the
Counseling Center staff will rarely suggest antidepressant medication as the
complete solution for a student but will strongly suggest that the person
continue with therapy in addition to the medication.
Dr. Cyberviser
Confused About Consumption
Dear Dr. Cyberviser,
I have a friend who has been drinking 2-3 beers a night for the past 3 months.
I am really concerned that she may be becoming an alcoholic as both her dad
and grandmother were alcoholics. She only talks about drinking anymore and
she doesn't seem interested in much else. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Confused About Consumption
Dear Confused About Consumption,
It sounds as though your friend's drinking habits really have you concerned.
Although alcoholism is known to run in families, the mechanism for transmission
of the disease is unknown. In other words, having a family member who is an
alcoholic doesn't make a person an alcoholic. Your friend's preoccupation
with alcohol seems a little troubling though. You may want to try to find
out if she knows why she is drinking so much. Very often it is boredom, as
people say there is nothing else to do. If that is the case, you can suggest
a host of other activities that do not involve alcohol.
One doesn't need to be an alcoholic to get into trouble with alcohol, as it
is possible to abuse alcohol without being addicted to it. Alcohol abuse could
be considered as drinking in any situation where there is some risk involved.
It may be helpful to be aware of the dangerous behavior patterns that often
accompany drinking to excess. These include, but are not limited to inhibited
judgment, increased promiscuity, impaired motor reflexes. These could lead
to sexual assault, unwanted pregnancy, and traffic accidents. The list is
both long and tragic. You may want to evaluate your relationship with your
friend, as you may begin to feel a lot more like her baby-sitter and a lot
less like a friend.
There are a number of resources available if you have additional concerns.
The Counseling Center has a number of informational brochures on substance
abuse, and you or your friend could meet with a counselor. You may also want
to talk to your RC about your concerns. I guess the place to start is to talk
with your friend. Let her know that you have noticed this change and you are
a little worried. Then take it from there. It is important to be there for
your friend, but you also need to be aware of your own needs and the resources
available to you both.
Good luck.
Dr. Cyberviser
Considering an
Appointment
Dear Dr. Cyberviser,
Could you tell me how long it takes to schedule an intake appointment, and
is one allowed any choice in who one sees for counseling?
Signed,
Considering an Appointment
Dear Considering,
Thank you for your question regarding scheduling an intake appointment.
A first appointment at the Counseling Center can be made by either stopping by the Center itself (located in 205 Peters Hall) during the hours of 8:30 a.m. -12:00 noon and 1:00-4:30 p.m., Monday through Friday, or by calling the Counseling Center at x8470 and setting up an appointment time. This can be done quickly and every effort is made to get you in as soon as possible. Depending on the time of year and demand for services, the availability of intake times will vary. Walk in hours (Mondays and Tuesdays from 11:00 Ð 12:00 noon, and Wednesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays from 1:30-2:30 p.m.) are always available if a student would like to meet with a therapist more immediately.
Regarding the second part of your second question about choosing a therapist, you are free to schedule with whomever you want. The Counseling Center's web page provides biographical information and professional interests of all the staff members to help you make your decision.
Good luck to you and I hope, if interested, that you will decide to schedule an intake appointment.
Sincerely,
Dr. Cyberviser
Considering Counseling
Dear Dr. Cyberviser,
Lately I have been considering going to the Counseling Center because I have
been feeling anxious and moody basically since fall semester started. Usually
I am too busy to pay attention to how I'm feeling (partly on purpose) so when
I do get a break I sometimes almost collapse. At those times I feel pretty
isolated; there are people I could probably talk to in my dorm, but I don't
feel like I'm that close to anyone. It would be nice to find a good listener
who was not judgmental. Here's my problem: I understand the benefits of counseling,
(both my parents are psychiatrists!) but am kind of stubborn about sharing
my true feelings and making myself vulnerable. I am scared of sharing too
much of what I'm feeling because I feel like I might lose control. At the
same time, I really want to talk. What should I do?
Considering Counseling
Dear Considering Counseling,
It's not at all unusual to be hesitant about coming for counseling, even when
you have some well thought-out reasons for doing it. Starting any new relationship
can be daunting, and the one you'll have with a counselor is no exception.
You might wonder things like: What will happen when I first go to counseling?
What will the counselor ask me--will I have to talk about things that I don't
want to think about? What if I don't like my counselor? You sound like someone
who is used to working things through on your own, or maybe even just toughing
it out when there seems there might be no immediate resolution to a situation.
This could be contributing to your concern that through sharing feelings,
and thus making yourself vulnerable in the counseling setting, you'll be compromising
your own sense of independence, and possibly even your sense of control. Dr.
Cyberviser has had years of experience talking with students who share your
feelings and worries, and very much wants to help you feel more at ease in
making a decision about whether or not to go to the Counseling Center.
You named some excellent reasons for thinking about seeing a therapist--anxiety
and moodiness, isolation, and getting to the point where things seem overwhelming.
While you might go to friends or others in the dorm, it doesn't feel comfortable
to do that when you don't feel close to these folks. Dr. Cyberviser is very
glad you named "a good listener who was not judgmental" as qualities you imagined
finding in a therapist. This IS what you can expect. In addition, your counselor
should be able to help you further clarify the issues you are grappling with,
so that you have a clearer idea of what kind of work you want to do in counseling,
and what kind of help you want from the counselor. Central to this is the
idea that, in the vast majority of cases, your counselor will work collaboratively
with you to work through your counseling concerns. The staff in the Counseling
Center generally agrees that their role is to help students work things out,
not to work them out for them, and certainly not to take control away from
them. Should something more severe be going on with a student, where he or
she fears or seems to be losing control, it would be the counselor's goal
to help that student regain a sense of autonomy, agency, and independence
as quickly as possible.
Since Dr. Cyberviser brought it up, here are other things you can expect from
your first visit to the Counseling Center. The administrative assistant will
have you fill out some paperwork--mostly demographics and a very brief indication
of your counseling concerns. You'll then meet with your counselor, who will
have you talk about what brought you in, and also likely gather some background
information and ask about anything else that seems relevant. Everyone has
things that make them uncomfortable to talk about. This would be good feedback
for the counselor, and no one will force you to talk about anything you say
is off-limits. Now, for concerns about liking your counselor--this is of course
pretty key to the therapeutic relationship. All of Dr. Cyberviser's colleagues
in the Counseling Center are good therapists and nice people. It can take
time to become comfortable with a new therapist and it may be that you don't
begin to like someone until you've had a chance to settle in. Still, on rare
occasions, students feel that they would work better with someone else, and
in those instances, the Counseling Center staff respects students' requests
to change therapists.
Dr. Cyberviser hopes this advice will help you to make the decision about
counseling that is best for you. If that means going to the Counseling Center,
the thoughtfulness and insights you've shared here should also serve you in
your relationship with your counselor.
I hope you have a good experience in counseling should you decide to try it.
Dr. Cyberviser
Depression & Anxiety Disorder?
Dear Dr Cyberviser,
I think I have a depression and anxiety disorder. I am currently taking St.
John's Wort , but should I be taking something stronger like prozac?
Dear Student,
It's difficult to recommend a course of treatment for you without first meeting
with you and gaining an understanding of your circumstances. St. Johns Wort
is used by many for treatment of the symptoms of depression. Since it is not
a regulated medication in the United States, its effectiveness when compared
to other medications is unclear. It is also a good idea to speak with a counselor
or mental health professional to explore non-medication options for relief
from feelings of anxiety and depression. Many times these feelings result
from the ways in which we relate to difficult events or circumstances in our
lives. Increased awareness and insight may relieve distress without the use
of medication. In other cases, a combination of psychotherapy and medication
is most effective.
A consultation with a staff member in the Counseling Center, or a psychologist,
psychiatrist, or psychiatric social worker in private practice could be very
helpful in helping you sort this out.
Dr. Cyberviser
Medication Question
Dr,
Cyberviser,
I have been on Wellbutrin, 150 mg 2X a day, for almost two years now. While it helped me a lot when I first started it, within the past six months, it seems to be less and less helpful. Do you currently have a psychiatrist whom I can talk to about this, or should I just try increasing the dosage on my own?
Dear Student,
It's always a good idea to consult with a physician before increasing or decreasing
the dosage of your medication. Your doctor may be aware of other medications
that are more effective in treating your particular condition.
Dr. David Deckert, an independent psychiatrist meets with students by appointment in the Counseling Center (Peters Hall 205) on Wednesday afternoons. All appointments and billings are handled through his private office. You can schedule an appointment by calling Dr. Deckert's office at 1-330-665-4488.
Thank you for your question. I would also like to suggest that if you are not currently involved in therapy at the present time, you might consider calling the Counseling Center or seeing a private therapist in Oberlin in addition to your meeting with a psychiatrist.
Best of luck,
Dr. Cyberviser
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder?
Dear Doctor,
I think I have obsesive compulsive disorder, and I don't know what to do about
it. I have been picking at my face for at least 5 years. Everytime I try to
stop, I am overcome by the urge to begin picking again. It's so frequent that
it's like a reflex; I just do it automatically. I am starting to feel hopeless
now and that it is impossible to even fathom a life without picking.
Can you help me?
-anon
Dear -anon,
Often when we develop repetitive undesirable habits like the one you describe,
they can become quite resistant to change. Once we realize that the behavior
has become a problem for us, the typical response is to attempt to stop the
behavior. Paradoxically, when we focus attention upon a repetitive thought
or habit that's become sort of " automatic," with the intention of stopping
it, we often reinforce its occurrence. Try not to think of "pink elephants"
as an example--it's pretty difficult to get them out of one's mind! However,
if we focus our attention on something else instead, we may have more success.
If you practice relaxation techniques at times you have the urge to pick, this might help you focus your attention on the enjoyable state of calm and serenity that the relaxation response provides. Adding some imagery of being at the beach or some other relaxing place, where you have felt safe and calm, may enhance your ability to focus on being relaxed. Trying NOT to think about picking your face will likely prove unsuccessful. Focusing instead on something else is a more promising strategy. My friends at the Counseling Center have developed a relaxation tape, which you can borrow or purchase if you are interested. You might find it very helpful as you attempt to make changes.
You also state that you have been picking at your face for about five years. This would likely develop a strong habit, which may require some professional support to alleviate. If you are not successful with your independent attempts to get rid of this problem, please feel free to consult with my friends at the Counseling Center. By the way, it might be the case that a habit such as yours might suggest an Obessessive Compulsive style (as you mention in your question) but it also may not. It is very important to meet with a professional before assuming such a diagnosis.
Best of luck.
Dr. Cyberviser
Question Concerning Depression
Dr. Cyberviser,
I feel like I may have some sort of depression. Over the last semester, I've
felt this bleakness and apathy. It's not like I want to kill myself, or am
severely depressed- I'm sure it's not at all noticeable to most people I know.
But despite everything I do, nothing seems to make me feel genuinely happy,
I just feel kind of empty and bored. I wasn't like this before, and I can't
think of anything that could have caused it. I've never believed in taking
prescription drugs too much, but I feel like this must be the only solution,
as I really don't think it's being caused by anything that I can be counseled
for. But I'm not sure, because it's not an acute depression, just persistent.
Does that mean it won't be taken seriously if I go to a therapist? What should
I do?
Thanks,
A Sophomore
Dear Sophomore,
First of all, it is important to realize that it is certainly not necessary
to always take medication as part of a treatment plan for depression. You
might find that talking with a therapist is sufficient to make the changes
that you desire. Also, there are many alternative approaches (herbal approaches,
full spectrum light therapy, exercise, meditation, etc.) to medication that
might also be suggested by your therapist. It is not uncommon for people who
are experiencing symptoms of depression to be unable to pinpoint a specific
reason for their depression. Many students find the support they need in a
therapy relationship without having a clear sense of the source of their depression.
I must tell you, with confidence, that you would most certainly be "taken seriously," as would any concern being expressed. I would recommend that you come to the Counseling Center and see how even one appointment may help you get a better understanding of your depression, and some of the symptoms you have been experiencing recently.
Good luck to you,
Dr. Cyberviser
Dear Dr. Cyberviser,
I have been going to counseling most of this semester and was recently diagnosed
as clinically depressed. I was prescribed medication to help with it, but
I am afraid to take it. Is it possible to overcome this without medication?
Signed,
Scared
Dear Scared,
I sense that you are feeling very uncertain and frightened. The experience
of depression is very confusing and difficult, and often causes very strong
emotional pain. Often, loved ones don't understand why you don't just "snap
out of it" and get frustrated when you don't respond to their help. Schoolwork
and friendships can suffer. But as bad as depression can feel, you are also
frightened and worried about the prospect of taking a medication that might
have side effects and might label you as someone with a problem. I think it
is a very positive thing that you are asking important questions before taking
the medication. It suggests that you are not looking for an easy answer, and
don't want medication to solve all of your problems for you. These are very
positive attitudes to have in overcoming depression.
Part of the answer about whether you can feel better with only counseling
depends upon how severe your depression is. For persons who have mild to moderate
levels of depression, counseling is often sufficient. Mild to moderate depression
occurs when you are still able to attend classes, perform adequately on tests,
maintain contact with your friends, and any suicidal thoughts are not overwhelming.
However, if your depression is more severe, many research studies suggest
that a combination of counseling and medication is best. Your depression might
be considered severe if your schoolwork is going very badly, you have extreme
difficulty with your sleep or appetite, have broken off contact with friends
and family, and have frequent thoughts about committing suicide. It is important
to remember that counseling is an important part of treating depression, rather
than just relying on medication alone. It is important to learn new ways of
coping and to understand the implications of depression for yourself and your
lifestyle in order to make the necessary changes.
Your question about the necessity of medication is a very good question, and
one that is frequently asked. Many people are reluctant to take antidepressant
medication for depression or other psychological disorders, fearing that they
will become addicted to it and will need to take it for the rest of their
lives. Or they are worried about the stigma of joining so many other people
who look to physicians for help with their problems. The decision to try medication
should only be made after careful consideration and evaluation of the pros
and cons. It is encouraging that you are seeking to gather information about
medication before starting to take it.
Many people have misconceptions about antidepressants that cause unnecessary
fear. Antidepressants are not addictive. Antidepressants alleviate negative
moods and related symptoms, but do not create elevated mood. If a person who
was not depressed took an antidepressant, s/he would feel no positive effects,
only the side effects associated with the medication. There is no tolerance
or withdrawal associated with taking an antidepressant, even if it were taken
over a long period of time. People usually take an antidepressant for 6 to
9 months. It takes about 4-6 weeks to experience the full benefit of the antidepressant.
Studies have shown that if an individual discontinues taking this medication
abruptly, the symptoms of depression might reappear, and so it is important
to gradually taper the dosage over a 4-6 week period. The newer antidepressants
have been developed to produce very few side effects and are tolerated well
by most people.
Dr. Cyberviser encourages you to discuss your concerns with your counselor
and receive answers to all of your questions. You might find more information
about antidepressants on the following mental health web pages:
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/
http://cmhc.com
http://www.mentalhealth.com
The final decision should be your own, based on a careful weighing of the
pros and cons. Remember that depression is a very treatable, and 8 out of
10 people find relief with counseling and/or medication. Dr. Cyberviser is
glad to know that you are seeking out help for your problems.
Good luck,
Dr. Cyberviser
Dear Dr. Cyberviser,
I am severely bulimic and have been for several months now. I feel stranded
and lost. I need help and support, but I don't know where to turn.
Dear Stranded and Lost,
I'm glad you wrote. If you are severely bulimic, Dr. Cyberviser also imagines
that you may feel isolated and hard-pressed to cope with life stressors, in
general. You may have kept the developing eating problem a secret from family
and friends, to a greater or lesser degree. People with bulimia often feel
shame about their problems, but the resulting separation from others, can
leave you feeling worse--lost and desperate about what to do. Learning more
may be a good first step.
Dr. Cyberviser recommends the Oberlin College Counseling Center's web page on eating disorders as a good place to start. There is some good information here, as well as links to interactive pages and other resources. Dr. Cyberviser also strongly recommends talking to others who can help. You're right that you need help and support. Dealing with an eating problem alone is too much to ask of yourself, and there are many professional resources to turn to for help.
If you are an Oberlin College student, the Counseling Center at 247 West Lorain Street, x 8470, is another good place to start. Other college and university counseling centers are excellent resources for their students. Most counseling center staff members are therapists who are strong generalists with knowledge of assessment and treatment of eating disorders. Staff members can also help students connect with other needed resources, like medical and dietary guidance. School counselors, community mental health centers, and family doctors or nurse practitioners might also make suggestions to you about counselors and therapists in your community. Whichever one you choose, you are making a positive, self-caring choice about seeing that you get the help you need.
Yours truly,
Dr. Cyberviser
Hey, doctor,
I think I am depressed. I have noticed a great change in my attitudes and
behaviors. I no longer care about stuff that was once important to me, and
I can't seem to focus on school work. It's like a have a blanket of sadness
lying over me and I can't seem to move the blanket. Anytime I toss it aside,
it seems to cover me again. I feel isolated and just don't feel like I'm in
a normal state of mind. I want to know if I am depressed and where I can go
for help???
Dear Think You're Depressed,
From your letter it sounds like you are having a very difficult time. The
symptoms that you described are consistent with depression. It is, however,
important that you consult with a professional who can talk with you more
in depth, and assess whether depression is the source of your sadness.
Help is available from a number of places.
I hope the information provided will help you make an informed decision about your concerns.
Dr. Cyberviser
Dear Dr. Cyberviser,
This is pretty basic I guess, but what's the best way to get rid of this nasty cold? It seems like every time the weather changes I start sneezing and getting a runny nose. Any ideas on STAYing healthy?
Signed,
Tired of Being Sick
Dear Tired,
Dr. Cyberviser specializes is psychological-based questions, but we are happy that you asked your question regarding colds and physical health. For this particular question, Dr Cyberviser has requested the help of a friend (Laura Hieronymous, the director of Student Health Services) to help with your question. Take it away LauraÉÉ..
Thank you, Dr. Cyberviser. There are several approaches to taking care of a cold. First of all, make sure you are doing the things that you need to do to stay healthy to begin with, such as regular and enough sleep, three meals a day with lots of fruits, grains, and vegetables, manage your stress (have fun, have friends, take time to relax), also your mom was right--wash your hands ALOT.
If you get a cold (low fever, sore throat, runny nose, maybe a cough) there are two approaches. The one I prefer is the alternative approach, zinc lozenges, Echinacea, lots of fluids, and rest. The more traditional approach includes Tylenol or ibuprofen for aches and fever, and a decongestant such as Sudafed. These medications will not make you well, but will help you be more comfortable until you body's immune system gets to work. Antibiotics are not a good choice for at least the first 10-14 days of cold symptoms. Another consideration is that allergies may be playing a role in your symptoms. Sooooo, if you have a cold that won't go away, or your nose is constantly running, or if you have a cold that comes and goes and comes and goes, you may need to be evaluated for allergies.
Hope this helps.
Be well-
Laura, from Student Health
Question:
I feel like the odd man out on this campus. Most people I have met dress
boldly and talk about activism and smoke weed. They say that I should not
have to conform to the ways of society. Yet I am content being in this same
body structure without the need to dye my hair purple, dress in vintage clothing,
do drugs and not shave my legs. Am I a conformist because I refuse to conform?
-Confused
Dear Confused,
We usually speak of "culture shock" when referring to experiences that involve
traveling to different countries or living within the communities of unfamiliar
racial and ethnic and religious groups. However, Dr. Cyberviser believes that
the term is applicable to your current situation. Moving to and finding your
way in a new cultural environment is no small task. This is a fact that you
have clearly discovered. I am, of course, using the term culture here in its
very broadest sense to include differences in both culture and subculture.
Every region of this nation can be seen to have its own culture. More relevant
to your letter, however is that fact that every college and university (just
as every organization and work environment) has itÕs own culture. One of the
great challenges of cross-cultural interactions lies in the human tendency
to see "my way of doing things as natural and making perfect sense, and your
way of doing things as obviously a little screwy." This tendency creates
particular tension and stress for persons who find themselves in the minority,
persons who are therefore under subtle, and sometimes not so subtle, pressure
to conform. My guess is that you are not the only one out there feeling as
you do, and that there are sources of support for you from other like-minded
students.
For those in the minority, it is particularly important to identify and ask for support from other people who share your interests and values. Bumping up against differences in values, world view and lifestyle can be, despite its annoying aspects, a great opportunity to learn. Encountering differences often helps us become clearer about our own values and priorities. Such experiences also give us an opportunity to learn about and explore other possibilities. This can only happen, however, in relationships with others who are open to acknowledging and exploring differences and are not set on making us clones of themselves.
Oberlin is like most other places in the world, in that you will find some people who are very open to interacting with people different from themselves and others who are not. Effective cross-cultural interactions require a good deal of curiosity, compassion and patience on both sides. Although it may take some time, I believe that it is very possible to find others on this campus who are willing to accept you for who you are.
Hang in there.
Dr. Cyberviser
Crisis of Faith
Dear Dr. Cyberviser,
I am freshman who is currently a biology major. I was raised in a strict religious
town in the south where our school downplayed the importance of evolution.
For the first time in my life, I am questioning my faith in God (as I was
raised Lutheran) and I don't know what to do or who to turn to, as I know
my family will question the strength of my faith if I try to talk to them.
Other than dropping out of biology (which I really love) what can I do?
Sincerely,
Crisis of Faith
Dear Crisis of Faith,
Wow. It sounds like you are really going through a lot in terms of your faith
and your course of study. In know that beginning (and experienced) college
students can often experience a crisis of faith during college, as this is
the first time they have been exposed to such a vast amount of new and different
information in such a small period of time. Regarding this question, there
are no easy answers. Science and Religion have debated since the Enlightenment,
and unfortunately, scholars, theologians and poets have never found a single
universal answer that is applicable to all people all the time. It is very
likely that this answer will never come.
On the "bright side," scholars, theologians and poets have never found a single
universal answer that is applicable to all people all the time. What they
have found is the notion of personal truth. The formation of this personal
truth is something that takes a long time and a great deal of thought, reading
and effort. It often changes for people as they are introduced to something
new that they never considered before. It is important to clarify your own
beliefs and reconcile them with the information that you are learning. You
may find that some of the old beliefs may need to be discarded or modified
to accommodate your changing understanding of how things work. You may disagree
with the new information and seek disconfirming evidence. One modern philosopher,
Ken Wilber, (who wrote The Marriage of Sense and Soul: Integrating Science
and Religion) suggests that there is more than one kind of truth, and what
we feel is not always congruent with what we can see and prove empirically.
There is objective truth (which everyone can see,) but there is also personal
truth, which is known only to you. Both are equally "valid." This is just
one example of one person's understanding. Parts of his model may work for
you, parts may not. The challenge for you is to formulate your own. There
are a number of people who could help--a minister, a trusted friend, or perhaps
someone who practices another religion could bring you to a new way of looking
at things. It is important to keep an open mind on your spiritual journey.
If you are still feeling confused, my friends at the Counseling Center who
are particularly interested in spirituality may be helpful in terms of helping
you sort through your feelings. They can also suggest a number of books from
various spiritual perspectives that may be helpful to you.
Keep searching,
Dr. Cyberviser
Directionless
Dear Dr. Cyberviser,
I am a sophomore English major and am unclear on what kind of career is right
for me. My parents and friends have suggested that I go into teaching, but
I don't think I have the type of personality or interest that fits well with
this vocation. Beyond this, I'm clueless on what other careers are suitable
for my major. What advice do you have for me?
Sincerely,
Directionless
Dear Directionless,
Thanks for your question. While I have no particular suggestions on what careers
you should pursue, I do have a four-step career planning process that can
help you gain some clarity. The first step is self exploration. Self exploration
involves gathering information about yourself to help you with the career
planning process. By developing an understanding of your interests, skills,
and work related values, you will become aware of how career options match
your personal desires. Interests refer to what you like and dislike, and are
an important part of every career decision you make. People who do not develop
or use their interests in their career might find their work boring. Abilities
are strengths, competencies, or talents that you have developed. Often, we
have difficulty talking about our abilities because we don't want to boast,
we don't have the vocabulary to describe our abilities, or we just don't understand
what abilities exist. However, for both career exploration and job hunting,
we need to learn to assess and verbalize our abilities. One activity that
you can pursue to help you explore careers that match your interests and abilities
is to take the Campbell Interest and Skills Survey. This test is a self-report
measure that takes about 45 minutes to complete, and is available at the Counseling
Center and Career Services. After your responses are scored, a staff member
will meet with you to provide you with an interpretation of your results.
Understanding work-related values is also an important part of self exploration.
Values are important stable ideas that you use to guide your choices and behavior.
In particular, work-related values are those rewards that are found in work
such as status, income, autonomy, using skills, and getting along with co-workers.
These values may make your work more meaningful. People are usually satisfied
at work if they are in an occupation that matches their work-related values.
The second step in the career exploration process is to explore the world
of work in greater depth, including researching career choices that fit the
interests, skills, and work-related values you have identified in the self-exploration
step. The "world of work" refers to all possible occupations and the different
factors that relate to occupations. Awareness of the world of work includes
information such as job descriptions, salaries, job outlooks, job requirements,
and educational or training requirements. Some good ways to gather information
are by reading books (e.g., Occupational Outlook Handbook), visiting Career
Services (x8140), by talking with faculty and advisers, and by talking with
people who are employed in occupations in which you are initially interested.
The third step in the career exploration process is decision-making. During
the decision-making process you will be evaluating various career choices
and begin to narrow your career options. You may also benefit from considering
potential barriers that may interfere with successful career planning. My
friends who work at the Counseling Center are available for students who want
both personal and career counseling. The Counseling Center can help you integrate
your learning from the career exploration activities, and will help you develop
a plan for the next steps of your career decision making process.
The final step is active planning. The active planning aspect of career planning
involves learning skills specific to searching for career opportunities and
applying for positions that match your career goals. By participating in the
services offered by Career Services, you will learn how to move from the academic
environment into the world of work.
I hope you find this information helpful, and I wish you well on finding and
charting your career path.
Sincerely,
Dr. Cyberviser
Special Talent Seeker
Dear Dr. Cyberviser,
So many people I know have accomplished so much in their lives already. Students
here have started their own community organizations and on-campus clubs. In
the Con there are many people who have won international awards and played
at prestigious music festivals. When I look at some of the actaul student
resumes the Career Center offers as examples, it makes me want to cry. I am
doing very well in school, but I feel like all I have done in life is sit
around and do homework. I feel like I don't have any special talents or revolutionary
ideas to offer society. How can I catch up to those overachievers? What can
I do to make a valuable contribution to society? How can I find lasting success
and meaning in my life?
Dear Special Talent Seeker,
Sometimes it seems that "everyone" at Oberlin speaks multiple languages, has
traveled extensively in Asia and Europe, plays at least 2 musical instruments,
can relate effectively to all ethnic and racial groups, possesses amazing
public speaking skills, and has participated in numerous enlightening internships
and summer jobs. In addition, they are "all" handsome or beautiful, have great
personal confidence, are involved in meaningful relationships, have excellent
grades, and know exactly where they're headed after graduation. It is not
unusual for college students to compare themselves to a "fantasy student,"
who has all the collective positive attributes we find among the student
body.
When you, as a "real" student compare yourself to this "fantasy student,"
it's not surprising that you may feel a little bit inadequate.
Fortunately, the reality is a good deal more reassuring. While there are some
students at Oberlin who may resemble a portion of this fantasy, most college
students, including Oberlin students, fall far short of the fantasized version.
And for good reasons! Developmentally, college students are in the process
of exploring and crystallizing their beliefs, values, interests, and identities.
They are also human, with all the wonderful flaws, foibles, extraordinary
talents, and plan middle-of-the-road characteristics we all share.
While it's helpful to participate in opportunities that present themselves,
the vast majority of college students do not have revolutionary ideas or receive
international awards. Most major contributions to our world come through hard
work, commitment, and perseverance. In his very popular book entitled The
7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey states that the "character
ethic" is the foundation of success. This includes such things as integrity,
humility, fidelity, temperance, courage, justice, patience, industry, simplicity,
modesty, and the Golden Rule. He goes on to say that true success and enduring
happiness can only be experienced as we learn and integrate these principles
into our lives.
It sounds as if you may be ready to move outside the classroom a bit more
to explore what other activities you may find interesting. Sometimes the discomfort
this may require is helpful in getting involved in areas of life that take
a little extra courage. It also sounds like you may benefit from taking a
more respectful, nurturing view of your current life-with less attention to
what you do, and more appreciation for who you are and who you wish
to become.
The questions you are asking of yourself can lead to important self-discovery
and a deeper appreciation of yourself. I encourage you to keep looking, and
feel free to stop in to see one of the staff at the Counseling Center for
further exploration. In addition, some of your professors and friends may
have an interesting perspective on this that they'd be happy to share.
Dr. Cyberviser
Who is Dr. Cyberviser?
Dear Dr. Cyberviser,
I am a therapist and would like to know who answers the questions. Do you
rotate turns?
Thanks,
Wondering
Dear Wondering,
Dr. Cyberviser is an interactive, on-line, advice service supported by the
Oberlin College Counseling Center. Questions are, in fact, rotated among our
regular full-time staff members (Diane Britt, Harry Pepper, Charlie Ross,
and Barbara Thomas) as well as interns temporarily working in our office.
Answers are read and revised by at least one additional staff member before
they are put onto the web page.
Thank you for your question and your interest in Dr. Cyberviser. We welcome
future questions from you and any others who seek the ever so helpful wisdom
of Dr. Cyberviser :-). Please keep tuning in each week for a new question.
Sincerely,
Dr. Cyberviser
A.K.A. Diane, Harry, Charlie, and Barbara
Wondering
Dear Dr. Cyberviser,
What drives people to become homophobic? Is it completely an environmental
influence such as societal pressure, or can it be internal fears of being
homosexual?
Signed,
Wondering
Dear Wondering:
It sounds as though you would like some specific reasons to understand why
people become homophobic. I am guessing that you are trying to make sense
of some individual's actions or feelings that may appear irrational to you.
This is a very complex question. In attempting to address it, I want to begin
by introducing three concepts.
"Homophobia" can be thought of as a form of prejudice, characterized
by a lack of acceptance, the belief in stereotypes and discriminatory behavior
directed toward GLBT individuals. A related concept, "heterosexism," has
been defined as the result of homophobic prejudice plus cultural and institutional
power to enforce these prejudicial attitudes. "Internalized homophobia"
refers to homophobia experienced and/or expressed by individuals who are themselves
gay/lesbian/bisexual or transgender. Since gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender
individuals are socialized in the same homophobic culture as heterosexuals,
these negative messages are often internalized, causing many to develop some
level of internalized homophobia, which may include elements of denial or
self-hatred.
Manifestations of homophobia and heterosexism occur on three levels: the cultural,
the institutional, and the individual. In order to understand homophobia and
heterosexism, it is important to see how they function on all of these levels.
At the cultural level, homophobia and heterosexism are manifested through
a belief system that produces norms and values which perpetuate negative stereotypes
and myths about gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender individuals.
As children, many of us were reared to believe that romantic and sexual relationships
should exist exclusively in male and female partnerships. We were taught that
anything outside this experience was considered abnormal or weird. The idea
that heterosexuality is the only legitimate form of intimate relationship
is communicated to us by our families, through the media, and by religious
and other cultural organizations. So, homophobia strikes first on our need
to "fit in" and not be different, and at our fear of being alone and an outcast
from the larger society.
At the institutional level, homophobia and heterosexism is manifest through
our social institutions including the legal system, government, health care
systems, and educational institutions. For example, same gender couples are
denied many of the basic rights granted to heterosexual couples including:
legal recognition of marriage vows, benefits derived from health insurance
plans, tax codes, social security, tuition waivers, bereavement leave policies,
and inheritance laws.
At the individual level people who are gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender
are often rejected by their families, or pressured to hide important aspects
of themselves and their lives. GLBT individuals fear for their acceptance,
their livelihoods and their safety. GLBT individuals are often victims of
verbal harassment, intimidation, physical assault, rape and murder.
This response may not completely address your question about the "causes"
of homophobia. My hope is that I have at least identified some of the forces
which create a climate in which homophobia continues as the norm. If you are
interested in learning more I might suggest a book entitled Beyond Tolerance:
Gays, Lesbians, and Bisexuals on Campus by N.J. Evans and V.A. Wall (1991).
There is an excellent chapter in the book about homophobia.
Best Wishes in Your Path of Understanding,
Dr. Cyberviser
An Eccentric
Dear Dr. Cyberviser,
Hello. I am a first year here at Oberlin College. I have never been very good
at making friends or socializing. Either I come across as negative, stuck-up,
or boring to people (or at least that's what I think others think of me).
Most of the time I'm okay with being alone, but sometimes I'd like someone
to talk to that doesn't require a phone. I think I've already driven away
everybody in my dorm, so that is out of the picture. Sometimes I think my
appearance is intimidating, but I don't ask others to change their appearance,
so why should I have to? I have a lot of strange interests, and I think that
scares others away also. I don't know. Any words of wisdom/advice?
Signed,
An Eccentric
Dear Eccentric,
I understand that you are struggling with some very important issues including;
individuality, conformity, and, perhaps, self esteem. It sounds like you really
want to be "yourself," but then you often feel misunderstood and isolated.
You are asking yourself several tough questions. Do I have to be like everyone
else to have friends? What is it about me that others seem to misunderstand?
Am I willing or able to change some things about myself to make more friends?
How can I find people who will be more likely to accept me as I am? While
Dr. Cyberviser cannot answer all of these questions, a few suggestions and
a different perspective may help you to clarify your situation and take action.
I understand it is difficult for some people to make new friends. Some individuals
may be shy, lack confidence, or have under-developed skills in this area.
Many first-year college students haven't had much experience in making new
friends because they haven't had to do so since elementary school. In many
ways, the first year of college can be the most difficult because you are
adjusting to a new environment without the support of family and friends from
home as you try to develop new friends at College. Difficulty making new friends
can cause students to feel lonely, isolated, and depressed. In this situation,
it is easy to begin questioning your worth and make assumptions about why
others are not responding to you as you would like.
Dr. Cyberviser wonders what you meant when you said you have "driven everyone
away" in your residence hall. Also, why you think you come across as "negative,
stuck-up or boring"? Have friends told you this or could you be making incorrect
assumptions that then prevent you from reaching out and making friends? Your
perspective about how others are responding to you could be a result of misinterpretation
or low self-esteem. It may be important for you to check out how you come
across to others by asking someone you trust and respect for feedback. Then
you can decide whether or not you want to make some adjustments in that behavior.
You may want to reflect upon whether you tend to initiate conversation with
others or do you typically wait for people to approach you? If your appearance
is intimidating, as you suggest, it is unfair that people judge or avoid getting
to know you. However, if you want to have friends it may mean that you'll
have to put forth extra effort for people to get to know the "real you" and
not be intimidated. I see from your letter that beneath your "intimidating"
exterior is a person with gentle feelings who wants to be liked and understood.
There are many things we can not control (or even not want to change) about
our appearance, but there are some we can change that sends the message that
we are friendly, approachable and interested in communicating (i.e., smiles,
appropriate eye contact, open body language). There are several self-help
books that offer suggestions about how to interact more effectively with others
and a number of these books can be read on loan from the Counseling Center.
This does not mean that you need to "sell-out" your fundamental personality.
It simply means that you can modify your approach to people in order to open
channels of communication.
I certainly am not aware of your specific interests, but do know that Oberlin
College is a diverse campus with students who have a variety of perspectives.
I might recommend that you consider joining a campus organization or get involved
with a service project in the community. A great resource for getting involved
is the Center for Service and Learning (x8055) which you will find helpful
in finding a project of interest to you. These activities might provide you
with opportunities to get to know other students in a more in-depth, and often
less intimidating, situation. There are also many informal opportunities to
start relationships. It may be helpful for you to begin conversations with
people in your classes, organize a study group, or ask someone to go get a
cup of coffee.
Finally, Dr. Cyberviser hears the hurt and loneliness in your letter that
students facing difficulty getting connected can face. It might be helpful
to talk with a counselor about your relationships and identity. A knowledgeable
and caring, but emotionally unentangled perspective, might help you to clarify
areas that you may consider changing, strategies for meeting new people, and
tactics for engaging new acquaintances. I would encourage you to keep up your
efforts to be who you are and to find ways to connect with others.
Best wishes from one eccentric to another,
Dr. Cyberviser
Doormat
Dear Dr. Cyberviser,
I have spent my entire life doing what I've been told to do by my parents,
my teachers, and my friends. I have always hoped this would make these people
care for me, but they seem to use me for a doormat instead. I have started
to resent them all-- because no one ever seems to care for me the way I care
for them. I have always done everything I can for the people I love, but when
I need emotional support they are never there for me. I am beginning to think
I am boring or uninteresting because no one seems to care what happens to
me. Am I doing something to drive these people from me emotionally? I can't
deal with this loneliness that I am feeling much longer. I feel like a freak.
Signed,
The Doormat
Dear Doormat:
You sound as though you are in a lot of pain and are in need of support and
care. You have worked hard to have people love you and you are wondering who
is there for you. Perhaps you have been too giving and too other-focused,
sacrificing your needs for the interests of others. Your experience is a common
one, in which the one who is constantly giving ends up feeling used and taken
for granted. Somehow, it seems that it should work that if you take care of
others, they will take care of you, but unfortunately that isn't typically
what happens. In addition, it is impossible to please everyone and when people
try to do this, they usually end up not pleasing others and not pleasing themselves.
The answer isn't, "never give to others and only think of yourself," any more
than it is to continue to do what everyone else wants you to do.
There are several things you can do. Dr Cyberviser suggests that you find
the middle ground between giving to others and taking care of yourself. Start
by doing nice things for yourself every day. Ask yourself, "What do I need
to take care of myself?" Give yourself permission to put yourself first sometimes
and say "no" to others. Are you letting others know what you want, or do you
think that they should know? Use assertive language in asking for what you
want--"I feel _____ when you ______ and I want ____". Also, there is an excellent
book written on assertiveness that you might find helpful. It is called The
Assertive Option by Patricia Jakubowski, and you are welcome to borrow it
from the Counseling Center's library.
Sometimes people find counseling can be helpful in overcoming fairly longstanding
patterns like the one you describe. This pattern of always taking care of
others may have been learned during childhood for a variety of reasons, and
it may speed-up your progress if you have someone to listen and support you
in your process of change. You may consider talking to the folks a
